Old songs are the best. This holiday classic was actually a number one hit for 11 weeks from October 1942 to January 1943.
What’s been on your mind? Got something you’d like to share? A topic to discuss? It’s Tuesday Night Open Thread.
Who wants to start?
Laurence Simon posted this in 2005. Yes, we know Hanukkah started a couple of days ago. We know it’s late, but seriously, what do you expect? — The Editors
In honor of this being the first day of Hanukkah, I – the Token Jew of IMAO™ – have decided to post the FAQ that I use for when people ask me all sorts of stupid Hanukkah questions:
How is Hanukkah spelled?
Just like it’s pronounced.
Why doesn’t Hanukkah start on the same day every year?
It does. You’re just using the wrong calendar, a-hole.
What Channukkah music is there to play?
Don’t bother. Not even Apple would charge for it on iTunes.
Is (X) Jewish?
What am I, the Tel Aviv White Pages?
Why is the menorah lit at night?
Because it’s dark at night, stupid. What, you’re going to waste such nice candles to light the day? Are you Catholic or something?
Why are Hanukkah candles sold in boxes of 44?
Because Jews are good at math.
What’s the song that people sing while lighting the candles?
It’s called “Baruch Adutoy Adenoi.” It roughly translates to “Don’t burn your fingers, Dummy.”
How do you size a yamulke?
Your bald spot plus one inch.
What foods are eaten during a Hanukkah celebration?
Whatever your mother puts in front of you. Don’t complain!
Is it true that versions of Clue in Israel use a menorah instead of a candlestick?
No, but Monopoly race car token has been replaced by a sensible four-door sedan that gets good gas mileage.
Is it okay to gamble on which candle goes out first?
No. Shame on you.
Eight reindeer pull Santa’s sleigh. What pulls Hanukkah Harry’s cart?
A tow truck. I told him not to park there, but he never listens.
What if you blow out the candles before they are done?
You die.
Are you supposed to abstain from any particular activities during Hanukkah?
Don’t be such a putz.
What if the smoke alarm goes off?
Don’t buy cheap candles next time, you goniff.
In a fight between Aquaman and Hanukkah Harry, who would win?
Nobody. This is a season for peace, not fighting.
Why can’t I get Hanukah off when my friends get Christmas off?
Wait… you have Christian friends? What’s wrong with you?
I’ve seen electric menorahs. Are they okay to use?
No. People will think you’re gay.
What’s the meaning of the Hannukkah bush?
Some imbecile tried to assimilate. We kicked him out of the congregation years ago. Maybe you’ve heard of him? David Duke?
People who celebrate Kwanza also light candles. Is this related to the Hanukkah menorah?
Some black person broke into a Jew’s house, and stole the menorah. But he broke off two candles in the process. He also got the stereo and the silverware, but those were fenced before they could be incorporated into the ceremony.
What is the meaning of the four symbols on the dreidel?
Oy! Is this dreidel safe for kids? Player must examine dreidel for sharp edges before next player takes turn.
Huh? – Meaning of symbol lost in Shoah. All players weep profusely in shame.
Nu? – Player must clean the dreidel because they’re playing on such a dirty floor.
Feh! – Player determines that spinning a top is a stupid game and goes off to play some X-Box.
What goes “Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns!” ?
A blind guy on the eighth day of Hannukah.
What if you live in a neighborhood that prohibits the burning of candles in a menorah?
Burn your neighbors’ houses down instead.
Why are gifts given on every one of the eight nights of Chanukah?
It helps the economy.
If Christians have Santa Claus bring gifts, what do Jews have for Chanukkah?
The decency not to fill their kids’ heads with fairy tales and lies.
Taking a break from Teh Funneh — you knew that when you saw my name attached, right — to put in one more request regarding Harvey.
We’ve not said much about Harvey since his retirement. Well, not much about the circumstances. What I can share is that he’s alive, as I get a brief note from him every few weeks. Not much in them, no details to share. He is alive. Or whoever is manning his email account is. Let’s not go too dark and let’s just say it’s Harvey, okay? He’s alive.
He’s not able to blog. It’s a priority thing. He’s focused on work to support the household. With all that, he’s had to cut back on blogging. Check that. Cut out blogging. If he had time, he would. He doesn’t, and he don’t.
One other thing. I’m not going to ask you to do something I wouldn’t do myself.
Before I do the “ask” that you know is coming, I do certainly understand that you, like Harvey, need to focus on your family first. Take care of them. Support them. Be there for them. And, after all that, if you have time, money, and the inclination, throw some change Harvey’s way. It would certainly help a deserving person.
If you are able to assist Harvey during this time, it would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for considering. We’ll have some funny stuff, new stuff and a blast from the Holiday past, in a little bit, so stick around.
It’s Christmastime. A time of hope. A time of cheer. A time of peace. A time to think of others.
But, and this is just you and me talking now, it’s okay to think of yourself, too. I mean, when you were a kid, you thought about what you wanted for Christmas, didn’t you? Even if you didn’t celebrate Christmas, you thought about presents you’d like to get for birthdays, or for other occasions. And that was okay.
Well, it’s still okay. Here at IMAO, it’s okay to want things for Christmas. You might not get them, but you can still want them, right?
So, what is it you’d like to get for Christmas. I’ll start. And, no, I’m not going to wish for silly things like world peace or anything silly like that. We all know that ain’t happening. Instead, I’m gonna tell you what I’d like. Selfish stuff, you know. Here goes.
I’d like to win the lottery. Nothing big. Maybe around $1.6-billion or so. That would be nice.
I’d like for all the Democrats in Congress to resign in disgrace. They are a disgrace already, so they’re halfway there.
I’d like for all the Republicans in Congress to resign in disgrace. See above.
I’d like for all the liberals heads to keep exploding. Not for just the next year or five, but on and on and on. Which does mean we’ll have to have another Donald Trump type in the White House. But that’s okay. We’ve had worse. See 20 January 2009 – 20 January 2017.
That’s enough for me for now. Of course, we got better odds of world peace happening than all of those things, so I’ll settle for world peace.
What about you? What’s on your Christmas wish list?
If you are able to assist Harvey during this time, it would be greatly appreciated.
