Archive of entries posted on November 2019

IMAO Time Machine: IMAO Podcast #9 7-25-05

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The 9th podcast from 2005. — The Editors


Refresher link: Karl Rove accused of outing Valerie Plame

  1. George Bush recruits the IMAO crew for a spy mission
  2. Introduction & sponsors
  3. “World of Knowledge” w/ host Frank J: Adam and Eve
  4. Laurence Simon: The World Zionist Conspiracy [reference link]
  5. SarahK & Frank: Wedding band engraving
  6. Spacemonkey’s Secret Agent career
  7. SarahK & Frank: Wedding cake
  8. Harvey: Fun Facts about Florida Part 1
  9. Frank: Why I’m not a spy
  10. Harvey: Fun Facts about Florida Part 2
  11. SarahK & Frank: Post-wedding celebration
  12. Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: The Billy Goats Gruff
  13. Harvey: Why I’d be a good spy
  14. SarahK reviews “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”
  15. “Ask Ducky” with Right Wing Duck
  16. Frank: Conclusion
  17. SarahK: Why I’d be a good spy

This Day in Python: Nov. 30

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1979:

Collect Terry and Maggie and we drive out in the Citroen to George H[arrison]’s for a Python dinner. George scuttles around putting records on the juke-box, playing silly pieces on the piano and generally trying to make everyone feel at home — …

Cleese and I decide that the house would make a superb set . . . “Ripping Towers” . . .

. . .

George confesses to feeling uncomfortable with a “posh” evening like this, which I find reassuring — all the glitter and glamour that money can buy, all the success and adulation, have only affected our George very superficially.

Love That Chicken!

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Everybody knows that the United States bought Louisiana from France, right? But did you know that France didn’t own it? Spain did. But it’s okay.

For complicated reasons, Spain actually owned the territory of Louisiana — that whole big tract of land, not just the part that makes up the current state — when the U.S. was negotiating with France. Okay, they didn’t exactly own it, but … it’s complicated.

Here’s a pretty good summary of it all.

[The YouTube]

The part about where Spain officially transferred the property back to France on November 30, 1803 is what prompted this. So, was it a good idea? I think so. If not for it, would we even have a Popeye’s Chicken?

IMAO Time Machine: Obama Fortune Cookies

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Harvey posted this in 2009. — The Editors

[conceptual hat tip: Dylan]
I know Obama prefers burgers, but I’m guessing that he ate a lot of Chinese food on his recent trip.

I also assume that Chinese Chinese food comes with a fortune cookie, just like American Chinese food.

Which leads to the obvious speculative query: what fortunes did Obama get in his fortune cookies?

I speculate thusly:

  • You do good job! Take a bow!
  • If you have bad news to break, leave town and let Holder guy do it.
  • You look better wearing Mao jacket. Everyone look better wearing Mao jacket. Whole world wear Mao jacket soon!
  • You will try something new – a terrorist in New York City.
  • China cold like Chicago. Bring heavy coat.
  • Save lives. Make Biden walk.
  • Prosperity is coming. Just tax it until it go away.
  • Why you let wife go out in public dressed like that?
  • Today you meet friend from long ago. Tomorrow you throw him under bus.
  • Seriously, where birth certificate?

If you’ve gone through Obama’s trash recently and found any of his old fortune cookie fortunes, feel free to share in the comments.

1

Phonograph

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On November 29, 1877, Thomas Edison demonstrated his phonograph for the first time. It was a very crude device, but it was the first thing that recorded and played back sound. And it didn’t look anything like what you normally think of when you hear someone mention a “phonograph.”

[The YouTube]

Now you know who to blame for all the noise you hear on the radio today.

IMAO Time Machine: “Our Filtering Software is So Effective that Three People are Dead!”

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Frank J posted this in 2002. — The Editors

Just because we got Iraq, North Korea, and assorted t’rists to kick around, we can’t forget the big Commie evil still out there: China. Amnesty International took a break from protesting the execution of child murderers so they could actually expose some real injustice, finding that thirty-three people have been imprisoned in China for doing nothing more than expressing their opinions online. Two have died in custody. That’s murder in my book, but we can’t just storm in there and rightfully execute all the government officials involved because of a little thing called “diplomacy.” G*****n diplomacy.

What we can do is not help the Commie bastards. According the report, technologies from such companies as Websense, Sun Microsystems, Cisco Systems, Nortel Networks, and Microsoft were used to filter content and track down dissidents. Now, I’m all for capitalism (I’ll beat the crap out of anyone who doubts it) but there are some moral responsibilities American companies need to follow. They know if they sell software to evil Commies, those Commies are going to turn around and use that software for Commie evil – the sort of evil that leaves people dead. I know if I had a software company, and the Chi-Coms came to me for software, I’d just kick them square in the nuts, say, “Screw you, you Commie bastards,” and toss them right out of the building. Real American companies should shun business that helps Commies, and instead work on software that fights filtering and helps dissidents remain anonymous. If your company can’t make a product that actually kills Commies, then at least make stuff that frustrates them.

Thanksgiving (2019)

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Thanksgiving Proclamation

Issued by President George Washington, at the request of Congress, on October 3, 1789

By the President of the United States of America, a Proclamation.

Whereas it is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favor; and—Whereas both Houses of Congress have, by their joint committee, requested me “to recommend to the people of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer, to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness:”

Now, therefore, I do recommend and assign Thursday, the 26th day of November next, to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be; that we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our sincere and humble thanks for His kind care and protection of the people of this country previous to their becoming a nation; for the signal and manifold mercies and the favor, able interpositions of His providence in the course and conclusion of the late war; for the great degree of tranquillity, union, and plenty which we have since enjoyed; for the peaceable and rational manner in which we have been enabled to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national one now lately instituted; for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed, and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge; and, in general, for all the great and various favors which He has been pleased to confer upon us.

And also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations, and beseech Him to pardon our national and other trangressions; to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually; to render our National Government a blessing to all the people by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed; to protect and guide all sovereigns and nations (especially such as have shown kindness to us), and to bless them with good governments, peace, and concord; to promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among them and us; and, generally, to grant unto all mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as He alone knows to be best.

Given under my hand at the City of New York the third day of October in the year of our Lord 1789.

Go. Washington

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Massachusetts

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This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it’s time to pass out on the floor of the Kennedy compound in Massachusetts, so let’s get started…

Massachusetts state flag
In 2009, this design replaced the old state flag of Massachusetts, which consisted of a white field emblazoned with a fat senator waving a gin bottle while driving off a bridge.
  • Massachusetts became the 6th state on February 6th 1788, thereby stripping Pennsylvania of its coveted “hardest state name to spell correctly” title.
  • The state motto of Massachusetts is “The Yankees Suck!”
  • The state flower of Massachusetts is the gin blossom, which made Ted Kennedy’s face a protected state wilderness area.
  • The highest point in Massachusetts is Mt. Greylock at 3,500 feet. It was recently re-named “Mt. Whitelock” after it successfully defeated a Balrog.
  • Massachusetts was nicknamed the Bay State because its large native population of werewolves spend a lot of time howling at the moon.
  • The word Massachusetts is a Narraganset Indian word meaning “Tribal elders say ok. Squaw can marry squaw.”
  • Massachusetts has a population of 6 million people, all of whom have a harder time pronouncing the letter “R” than a busload of Japanese tourists.
  • The state song of Massachusetts is “The Theme From Brokeback Mountain.”
  • Actor Jack Albertson was born in Malden, Massachusetts, and was best known for playing Grandpa Joe in the original version of “Teddy and the Whiskey Factory.”
  • Salem, Massachusetts was the site of the infamous witch trials of 1692, where over 50 women were burned at the stake for weighing the same as a duck.
  • The first subway system was built in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1897. The subway cars were originally propelled by lashing an Irishman to the front and dangling a potato in front of him.
  • The town of Franklin, Massachusetts was NOT named in honor of Benjamin Franklin, as most people think, but rather for the token black kid in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special.
  • The city of Rockport, Massachusetts contains a house that’s built entirely out of old newspapers. Visitors are requested not to jump to any hasty conclusions regarding why the toilet is made out of the New York Times.
  • The birth control pill was invented in Worcester, Massachusetts, and proved to be even more effective at preventing conception than attending a Star Trek Convention dressed as a Klingon.
  • Boston, Massachusetts takes its name from an Irish word meaning “crime-ridden cesspool.”
  • The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 after the sword Excalibur was pulled from Plymouth Rock by Arthur, King of the Pilgrims.
  • Why, yes, I was watching “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” while researching these fun facts.
  • All the Founding Fathers threw tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party on December 16th, 1773, except for John Hancock, who was busy writing his name in the snow in letters large enough for King George to read without his glasses.
  • Massachusetts was originally settled by the cast of the British TV show, “Survivor: Plymouth.”
  • Massachusetts is currently engulfed in a brutal civil war between Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme over which is the “One True Donut.”
  • The Massachusetts tourism slogan is, “Man, woman, goat – whatever – if you can fit it into a wedding dress, you can marry it here.”
  • On this day in 1985, Ted Kennedy successfully drove over a bridge without killing anyone.
  • Well, technically he ran over a homeless guy, but that doesn’t really count.
  • Soldiers from Massachusetts are the most feared of all American fighting men, since – being true Patriots – they always defeat their enemies with a last-second field goal.

Well, that wraps up the Massachusetts edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I’ll be taking a swing through the land of new cars and breakfast cereals as I visit Michigan.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish getting this goat into a wedding dress.

[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

IMAO Behind the Scenes: Thanksgiving

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Oppo
What are these “thanks” of which you speak, Sirrah?

Basil
I’m thankful for the time spent with loved ones.

Oppo
You intrigue me.  You are actuallly thankful to fall behind in your work?

Basil
I’ve pre-scheduled posts.

Oppo
“Pre-scheduled”??

Basil
Yes. . . . And if you’re going to repeat everything I say in the form of a question, this conversation could go on . . .

Oppo
Yes-yes-yes; keep it short. Will you be thankful for FrankJ’s humor?

Basil
Sure.

Oppo
Very well. Now, pray tell me, what are these “loved ones” of which you speak?