Archive of entries posted on 6th November 2019

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: New Jersey

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This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it’s time to thrill to the intoxicating aroma of inadequately-maintained industrial landfills as we visit New Jersey. So let’s get started…

New Jersey state flag
The state flag of New Jersey showcases some of the state’s many spray-tan color options.
  • New Jersey became the 3rd state on December 18, 1787 after cutting off the head of Old Jersey and shouting “There can be only ONE!”
  • The state song of New Jersey is “I’m From New Jersey,” the only state song which is perfectly adaptable to any state or city with a 3-syllable name. Think of it as “witness protection program friendly.”
  • At over 1,000 people per square mile, New Jersey has a population density 13 times the U.S. average, the subject of numerous protests by KFCeTP (Kentucky Fried Chickens for the Ethical Treatment of People).
  • Newark, New Jersey is the car-theft capital of the world, although the Newark Chamber of Commerce prefers to refer to it as “pre-emptive recycling.”
  • Cape May, New Jersey, is the oldest seaside resort in the US and brags that it has “the best fed sharks north of Amity.”
  • The state flower of New Jersey is the violet. And before you ask: no, I didn’t accidentally leave out the “n.”
  • The state’s name, however, WAS originally a typographical error, when an inattentive clerk mistakenly typed an “s” instead of a “k” on the colony’s application for statehood.
  • One exceptionally capitalistic area of New Jersey contains 7 shopping malls in a 25 square mile area and frequently exceeds the EPA limits on perfume particulates.
  • New Jersey is America’s second largest producer of industrial chemicals. First, if you include the stuff that’s burning on the rivers.
  • Thomas Edison invented the light bulb in his Menlo Park, New Jersey, laboratory, which soon replaced kerosene, whale oil, and natural gas lamps as the “good idea” symbol.
  • The first Miss America pageant took place in Atlantic City, New Jersey, in 1921, helping to end the dark chapter in American history where beautiful, large-breasted women were routinely shunned and ignored.
  • The streets in the game Monopoly are all named for actual streets in Atlantic City, New Jersey, which are frequently clogged with shoes and top hats.
  • New Jersey’s Fort Dix was named for Major General John Adams Dix, and NOT for the fact that it was the last all-male Army base in the U.S.
  • Atlantic City, New Jersey has the longest boardwalk in the world. Enough trees were used in its construction to make 10,000 hippies weep in anguish.
  • The first Indian reservation in the U.S. was created in New Jersey, which – surprisingly – did NOT trigger a case involving the 8th Amendment’s “cruel and unusual punishment” clause.
  • Union, New Jersey is home to the world’s tallest water tower. At 212 feet tall, it contains enough water to completely clean out three of Michael Moore’s belly-folds.
  • New Jersey is the only state in the nation that offers child abuse prevention workshops in every public school. Although you’d think that if they REALLY cared about the kids, they’d just move them out of the state.
  • The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, New Jersey, one of the few times in the state’s history where the use of a baseball bat wasn’t immediately followed by a homicide investigation.
  • The first drive-in movie theater was opened Camden, New Jersey, in 1933, less than one year before Camden set the record for “most illegitimate births.”
  • Tourism is New Jersey’s second-largest industry, just behind discreet body-disposal.
  • The knobbed whelk is the state seashell, not a nickname for New York tourists.
  • The first dinosaur skeleton found in the U.S. was discovered in Haddonfield, New Jersey. Paleontologists theorize that the cause of its death was incorrectly answering the question “What do you mean funny, funny how?”
  • Dioxin is New Jersey’s state toxic waste
  • Good luck guessing whether that one’s true or not.
  • Comedians Bud Abbot and Lou Costello were both born in New Jersey. Their famous comedy routine “Who Do Youse Want Me to Whack First” was later re-written slightly to appeal to a broader audience.
  • Singer Whitney Houston was born in Newark, New Jersey, where she first discovered her amazing talent for making dogs howl across three counties.
  • Singer Bruce Springsteen was born in Freehold, New Jersey. The city’s residents are the only people who know what he’s actually singing in “Blinded By The Light.”
  • “Washing with a loofah in the corner to the right”? “Dressed up in a tutu like the mother of my wife”? What the HELL is he singing?
  • “The Chairman of the Board” Frank Sinatra was born in Hoboken, New Jersey. He… I’ve just been handed a note… apparently if I value my kneecaps, I should be keepin’ by yap shut about Mr. Sinatra.
  • Never mind.
  • In New Jersey, “Wawa” refers to a particular chain of convenience stores, NOT to the last sound the guy in your trunk makes before you throw him in the dumpster behind the convenience store.
  • The reason people always ask folks from New Jersey “What exit?” is that it’s the only phrase that can’t be mistaken for a criticism of Mr. Sinatra.

That wraps up the New Jersey edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be nervously drumming our fingers on the dashboard while awaiting the arrival of our drug mule near the southern border of New Mexico.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go discuss loan repayment terms with a couple burly gentlemen behind the Wawa.

[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

Do They Really Have Room For All Of Us To Move There?

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Elections 2019: Texas Voters Approve Constitutional Ban On State Income Tax
National Review | 11/06/2019 | Zachary Evans

Texas voters on Tuesday approved an amendment to the state’s constitution banning an income tax.

While Texas is already one of seven states that does not have an income tax, the amendment will make it extremely difficult to impose the tax in the future.

“Today’s passage of Prop 4 is a victory for taxpayers across the Lone Star State,” said Republican Governor Greg Abbot. “I am grateful to Rep. Jeff Leach for his bold leadership on this issue, and for the overwhelming majority of Texans who voted to ensure that our great state will always be free of a state income tax.

“This ban on such a disastrous tax will keep our economy prosperous, protect taxpayers, and ensure that Texas remains the best state to live, work, and raise a family,” Abbot continued.

The Texas government currently derives most of its revenue from sales and property taxes.

Leach, who authored the amendment, said his initiative will make it “virtually impossible” to impose an income tax. The amendment requires two thirds of the state House and Senate to repeal the amendment and call a statewide election in order to approve the tax.

Finally! A Politician We Can All Trust

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Schumer: “No One Knows” Who Whistleblower Is, “If You Do, You Should Let Me Know”
Breitbart | 05 November 2019 | Ian Hanchett

During a press conference on Tuesday, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) denounced calls to publicize the identity of the whistleblower and stated that “no one knows who he is, or if you do, you should let me know.”

Sure has had a lot of meetings with Schiff’s staff and correspondence with the Inspector General for someone that nobody can identify. Look for the guy walking around Washington with a bag over his head.

Straight Line of the Day: Tulsi Gabbard Has Posted a Workout Video on Twitter. Other Candidate Strategies Include…

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Straight Line of the Day: Tulsi Gabbard has posted a workout video on Twitter. Other candidate strategies include…

Tulsi Gabbard Posts Intense Workout Video on Twitter
Fox News | Nov 5 2019 | Fox News

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard, D-Hawaii, took to Twitter Monday to show her intense workout regime while on the campaign trail.

Random Thoughts: Brave Ollie Possum and Cooking

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I cannot recommend Ethan Nicolle’s new kids book, Brave Ollie Possum, enough. It’s kind of like IT, but for kids and not adult weirdo creeps. I had so much fun reading it out loud to my kids. You can buy a premium edition straight from Ethan.
When I was reading it to my daughter, she had been coming into our bed every night. The book actually helped convince her to try being brave and stay in her own bed, and she stopped coming into our bed soon after.
Anyway, Brave Ollie Possum is a great chapter book filled with illustrations and I think aimed at early readers (like 8 and up). If you have kids, definitely get a copy. It’s just the right amount of spooky to keep them hooked to the story.

“It wasn’t until I heard of a group called the ninja turtles that I began to question and assert and recognize my inherent value as a human being—which is a very separate thing from a mutant turtle.” -Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

backing minivan out of driveway at night
“Everyone ready?”
4yo: “I’m Not Buckled.”
wife turns ceiling light on in a panic and see my daughter is strapped in just fine
4yo: “‘Not Buckled’ is my name.”
She did a reverse “Nice to meet you, hungry” on us!

I had a great discussion with Jazz Shaw. He had an interesting question on which Democratic presidential candidate would be the best for satire, and I think I picked the right one.

$52 trillion? No one can wrap their brains around that. You might as well just say it costs a gajillion dollars.

The best way to reduce costs is capitalism. Going with some other method is like trying to win a race by picking a tricycle over a Ferrari.

If Netflix gets that 2x feature, The Irishman will be only an hour and 45 minutes long. I prefer a lean, 90 minute movie, but maybe I’ll check it out.

I dunno. Just seems like there could be some problems from turning over more of health care to the dumbest, most dishonest people on the planet.

When an irresponsible sociopath says she wants $52 trillion in spending power, I’m always a little hesitant.

Death Stranding seems pretty divisive. I’ve seen some perfect reviews for it and some bad reviews (IGN gave it a 6.8). Game reviews don’t tend to vary as much as movie reviews, especially for AAA games.
I remember one lone review for Breath of the Wild that gave it a 6. I would not listen to that person’s opinion on any other game ever. Or anything else.

Democrats argue about health care like Obama’s greatest political victory never happened.

Back when I was a kid, we had to read comic books ourselves since we didn’t have movie producers to do it for us.

Maybe they’ve matured with age and it will be Rage Against Cancel Culture.
“By the way, we’ve analyzed the data and capitalism is — by far — the greatest force against poverty that has ever existed. So if you don’t like capitalism, just leave this concert right now. No refunds.”

This morning, the kids were playing Monopoly at the table and the wife was feeding the baby in his high chair while I was cooking pancakes and bacon in the kitchen, and for a moment that place I’ve been searching for my whole life, I was there.

We catch but glimpses of the other world in this one, but it’s a powerful thing.

I don’t cook much, because I have a wife. And before I had a wife, all I usually ate for dinner was Campbell’s chunky soup.
Still, there’s a couple things I cook. One is “daddy breakfast” which is pancakes, bacon, and fried eggs (like my dad used to do on Saturdays). The other is rib-eyes, as my wife made it pretty clear she would think less of me as a man if didn’t insist on cooking the steaks.
Now, my dad did teach my how to cook steaks before he passed away, but it amounted to five minutes on each side when on a grill. I want something more exact than that to get more like a good steak at a restaurant. So I looked into skillet recipes.
First one I tried sounded neat because it like butter and fresh garlic, but it relied on a meat thermometer to get it right, and I found out mine was no good. Man, was it disheartening when I cut into it and it was well done. I couldn’t meet my wife’s eyes after that.
Found this recipe, though, from Alton Brown which is nice and simple and gives you the times to go by. Worked out perfectly. Nice, seared, medium-rare steak. I earned my wife’s respect (though she eats hers medium, which I don’t respect).
Trying again tonight. We’ll see how consistently it works for me. Anyway, the point is, my wife bought more steaks. Yum!

I want to thank again everyone who bought and enjoyed Hellbender. I love writing stories and funny things, and it’s a real blessing to have an audience to share it with.
I am writing a sequel to Hellbender as I have a ton more idea for that world and characters. First though, I’ll be putting out some long overdue sequels to Superego.
If you like my writing, make sure to sign up for my newsletter at http://frankjfleming.com… though you probably won’t miss things if you just follow me on Twitter.

I eat gluten free along with my wife and daughter, so I don’t have any opinion on Chick-fil-A versus Popeye’s fried chicken. I like Chick-fil-A’s grilled chicken, though.
I remember first trying a Chick-fil-A fried chicken sandwich a long time ago, though. I was like “This doesn’t have much breading. It doesn’t look very good.” I was wrong. It was good.

The polling doesn’t look great for Warren, but if the Democrats really want to get an unlikable woman president, their best bet is against Trump.

I’ve been working from home for nearly three years, and now that we’ve rearranged the kids’ bedrooms, I just finally got my own office (I had been working at a desk in the corner of our master bedroom). It’s sweet!
Things have been going so well for me lately it’s starting to feel like the first act to some horror movie or thriller where I have to go rescue my family.

As people argue which are worse, the Boomers or the Millennials, it’s important to remember that GenX are blameless and have done nothing wrong and are but victims of both of them.

Remember when PCs were going on this rant about “Bad command or file name” and Radiohead was all like “OK Computer.”

Yay! Red Dead Redemption loaded and ready to play on two different gaming PCs!
Now I just need to find that fabled time to play. Maybe sometime around Christmas… as long as I’m where I want to be on all my projects.

Ending the War

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So, when did our Most Uncivil War actually end? With the surrender of Lee? With the Battle of Columbus/Girard? That post-Confederacy Battle of Palmito Ranch?

Officially, it’s the Battle of Columbus/Girard. But, if you include post-Conferderacy actions, you might want to skip over that Texas dustup and look to the seas and November 6, 1865.

[The YouTube]

Of course, with some people, the war still isn’t over. I’m not naming names. You know who you are.