“Gen. William Boykin, do you take back your statements about God and the current fight with terrorists?” asked a reporter.
“No. America is a Christian nation, and God has helped us all the way by putting Bush in office and giving us victory against the terrorists who worship a false god,” Gen. Boykin answered.
“And how can you be sure of that?”
“Because I say so!” answered a booming voice.
Everyone turned to see the giant figure of God, wearing a duster and a kickass cowboy hat. “America is truly a nation under Me,” the Lord continued, “and I’m tired of dealing with all others.”
“Can you prove you’re really God,” asked a skeptical reporter.
“Sure I can… SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!”
Reporters started dropping dead.
“I thought You were supposed to be benevolent!” exclaimed a panicked reporter.
“You’re thinking of Jesus,” God chuckled, “Now I’m going to get Old Testament on all the enemies of America!”
“God has gone on a total rampage against terrorists,” the anchorwoman reported, “His first action was to lift up the entire nation of Syria and then beat Saudi Arabia with it. We go now to a videotaped statement from Osama bin Laden.”
“I thought Allah was on our side,” said a frightened Osama, “but He’s totally killing us all! He’s even worse than America and the Joooos!” Osama looked behind him. “Oh s**t! Here He comes!”
The videotape ended and the anchorwoman came back on screen. “France has come out to condemn the unilateral action of the U.S., Britain, and the Lord Almighty. France was subsequently swallowed by the earth. The earth soon got very sick and spit France back out.”
“Oh no!” Buck the Marine exclaimed, “I’m outta bullets and there are still more terrorists to kill!”
“Hey, what’s that falling from the sky,” said another Marine, “Is it manna from heaven?”
“Better,” Buck answered, “It’s ammo! And hollow points too! I guess God doesn’t follow the Geneva Convention. Ooh-rah!”
“I think at this debate today, we Democrats should focus on policy issues instead of Bush hatred,” Sen. Liberman said very slowly and boringly.
The crowd started booing and throwing things at Liberman. “We want mindless Bush hatred!” shouted one of the crowd.
Suddenly a giant figure crashed through the roof. “Oh no!” Gephardt squealed, “It’s God and He looks wrathful!”
“Bush will be president for I have said so!” God announced, “and thus Democrats must be smoten!” Lightning and fireballs flew at all the Democrats. “Kill! Maim! Destroy! Make alive no longer!” God shouted while laughing maniacally.
“Religious extremist!” shouted a Democrat just before exploding into flames.
“Do you condone God’s partisan attacks?” a reporter asked.
“Well, I never planned to slaughter all the Democrat candidates,” Bush answered, chuckling a bit, “but you’re not going to get me to publicly disagree with God.”
“Don’t you think God is being a little harsh?” asked another reporter, “When terrorists pleaded to Him for mercy, said He didn’t understand their language and then crushed them under foot.”
“The glory of God is a mystery to all,” Bush explained, “and thus he can be both omniscient and only speak and understand English.” Bush thought for a moment. “Wow! I pronounced ‘omniscient’ correctly. That must mean…”
“Wake up!” Condi commanded harshly.
“What?” Bush asked groggily.
“At important meetings about national security,” Condi said angrily, “It’s traditional to STAY AWAKE!”
Bush laid his head back down. “I’m following the Reagan tradition.”
If only we lived in your world FrankJ….
He is a just God.
The Smitings shall continue until morale improves.
The videotape ended and the anchorwoman came back on screen. “France has come out to condemn the unilateral action of the U.S., Britain, and the Lord Almighty. France was subsequently swallowed by the earth. The earth soon got very sick and spit France back out.”
hahahahahaha
Absolutely fantastic way to start the day.
“Can you prove you’re really God,” asked a skeptical reporter.
“Sure I can… SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!”
“Can you prove you’re really God,” asked a skeptical reporter.
“Sure I can… SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!”
Reporters started dropping dead.
and
“God has gone on a total rampage against terrorists,” the anchorwoman reported, “His first action was to lift up the entire nation of Syria and then beat Saudi Arabia with it.”
BAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAA
giggle
snort
JUST what I needed after the day’s work. A thousand blessings upon your funnybone, Frank J.
One of my favorite lyrics of late is from the David Bowie song I’m afraid of Americans:
God is an americian
If it wasn’t sung by a foriegner it wouldn’t be so good
“Kill! Maim! Destroy! Make alive no longer!”
[insert copious laughing sounds here]
Frank, you made my day.
Frank…please stop…cant breathe…laughin too hard…sides hurt….romm going dark…no oxygen..
It’s good to see Buck the Marine once again, being blessed for his faithful service with ammo from heaven!
“His first action was to lift up the entire nation of Syria and then beat Saudi Arabia with it.”
Thank you for choosing Wednesdays to post your “In My World”s. Just what the demented doctor ordered…
If this post doesn’t mean your leading the entire readership of IMAO straight to hell…well, there just ain’t no hell (and not only doesn’t God follow the geneva convention, He has a sense of humor too).
If he’s going Old Testament, shouldn’t he be a Jewish God?
God – The ultimate religious extremist. I love it!
D—, there goes another monitor.
“If he’s going Old Testament, shouldn’t he be a Jewish God?”
I think it’s Charleton Heston (the ammo thing tipped it). You’re a funny man, Frank.
Frank, I and the UN hate you and wish to kill you. And Joseph J. Finn, even I, a murdering Muslim, know that he is a Jewish God. Why do you think we hate the Jews?
OF COURSE God has a sense of humor. Why else would raindrops be shaped like little water baloons? Great job once again, Frank (you cute and loveable thing, you).
Although to be honest, I just can’t see God in a cowboy hat and duster.
Minstrel,
That was supposed to be the first hint it was Bush’s dream; God was dressed like Walker Texas Ranger.
Oh this was just way too funny, Frank. This is just beat out “Career Day” as the funniest “In My World” ever.
So stop now. There is no way you can top this. Never! I will come back next Monday to make sure too.
Frank, there was too Merde in France, that’s why it was spit out.
Guess what’s the ammo ?
Yes, definitely one of your best. 😀
Brilliant. One of your best ever.
To the cute and loveable Frank J.: I figured as much. I’m just having a hard time imagining it, is all.
BTW, I emailed you last week begging you to blogroll me, and you haven’t replied. What gives? Are you just that far behind on answering your mail? I blogrolled you, so the least you could do is return the favor.
Oh! E-mail! I forgot to check that this month.
Perfect.
“At important meetings about national security,” Condi said angrily, “It’s traditional to STAY AWAKE!”
Bush laid his head back down. “I’m following the Reagan tradition.”
Yet again, you outdo yourself. They just keep getting better and better!
“His first action was to lift up the entire nation of Syria and then beat Saudi Arabia with it.”
“France has come out to condemn the unilateral action of the U.S., Britain, and the Lord Almighty. France was subsequently swallowed by the earth. The earth soon got very sick and spit France back out.”
“Religious extremist!” shouted a Democrat just before exploding into flames.”
ROFLMAO! LOLLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! THE BEST EVER!
Yep!
This was the best one since the early Rumsfeld press conferences, the ones with Ari Fleisher were priceless too!
TRULY!
“I guess God doesn’t follow the Geneva Convention” is the greatest quote ever.
I protest this unilateral action taken by God 🙂
-Vic
Lovely to read your wistful dreams of blood shed Frank, I bet Bush really has had this dream. Also I’m intrigued by your army of loyal sicophants who worship your every move. It has always fasinated me how Jesus was a pretty hardcore revolutionary socialist (you know how he fought the corruption of the church, encouraged people to give ALL their wealth to the poor, turn the other cheek etc) but most of his followers are conservative.
If a vengeful Bush loving god did come to Earth, man, I’d become a Satanist!!!
I often write satire and express an extreme view but that is usually in the name or irony. Your extremist writings I almost let through because they’re kinda funny but then I think about it. You really DO want this to happen! A racist joke isn’t just funny; there is genuine hatred in it. Everybody should read your site so they can see the true values of a Republican and not be fooled by their moderate rhetric.
Yeah I, know what your thinking “bloody political correctness” but you know what? I love our new politically correct society!
France must be commended for standing up against the bully boy tactics of Bush. It looks like they were right too; where’s all these weapons of mass destruction? It looks like your good fiscally “responsible” Rebublican has chalked up the biggest foreign debt ever and is stuck in shithole Iraq that is probably now gonna become a another Islamic state (seeing as the majority of Iraqi’s are shi’ites.) So good work Bush, thanks for saving the f***ing world, you have plunged your economy into debt and slashed essential services. I used to think that the Democrats were just as bad, but there is a world of difference.
I gota go free Nelson Mendela (take a shit)
Yeesh, Wakefield, you must be fun at parties.
You drop by a humor site and leave a political screed. Aren’t there enough appropriate venues in which you could do this? Is Democraticunderground slow today?
“I blogrolled you, so the least you could do is return the favor.”
– – -Don’t hold your breath, Minstrel. Hasn’t blogrolled me, either.
He’s got Instapundit blogrolled twice, though.
Hm……
Hah! Frank, you’ve outdone yourself! The James Wakefield character is one of your funniest yet!
You got me, lyle. I’ve been writing all his comments just to egg people on.
France must be commended? I’m sorry, I do not understand. This is some form of jest, correct?
Yes! I love this line…”You’re thinking of Jesus,” God chuckled, “Now I’m going to get Old Testament on all the enemies of America!”
Thanks for helping me start my day with laughter
TO: Host
RE: What On EARTH…
…were you drinking when you did this?
Regards,
Chuck(le)
[God is alive…and airborne-ranger qualified.]
TO: the_brick
RE: Just God
“He is a just God.” — the_brick
And His judgements are righteous, altogether. — Abraham Lincoln, and some other wag thousands of years before.
Regards,
Chuck(le)
No, the funniest on of all time has to be the Ari press conference in In My World: Stupid People No Like War
Frank, I imagine God wiping snot of laughter off his monitor…and that’s one hell of a job ( pardon the pun) cuz’ I guess God has like a zillion inch flat screen LCD display !
(really Frank- recent death of a brother, this one really made my day- thanks…..)
Gee Frank, I was just getting into it and you quit….