Honestly, Rand Paul (the eye doctor) should've waited for the next election. The RAND PAUL 2020 VISION campaign would've written itself.

— Bill Kuchman (@billkuchman) April 7, 2015

[Adam and eve first date] Adam: I like your leaves. Where did you get them? Eve: Thank you. I got them here in Eden. Adam: That makes sense

— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) April 7, 2015

I know I'm going to take some heat for this, but I scored an Apple Watch! I opted for the pocketwatch version, which has a bigger screen.

— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) April 8, 2015

*Man walks up to a dumpster fire, throws a match into it* NARRATOR: Twitter dot com. Join the conversation.

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) April 8, 2015

in english the polite way to say a haircut is bad is to say "you got a haircut" then wait a split second too long before u say it looks nice

— TROMNEYOBLY PIACKLES (@Tormny_Pickeals) April 8, 2015

The difficult moment a young 90s actress realized she was auditioning to be a George girlfriend, not a Jerry girlfriend.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 9, 2015