Cake provided by Les at Nuking Politics

It’s that time of year: National Hippie Punching Day! Also known as Frank J’s birthday!

He’s what, 16? No, he’s older than that. I think. Yeah. I’m sure he is. Whatever the number is, I know it’s a prime number.

Well, age ain’t nothin’ but a number. And however young or old Frank J is, it’s still appropriate to punch a hippie in his honor. So, get to it. Punch a hippie. Or two. Or 37. Whatever feels right.

But, you know what? There are more ways to celebrate Frank J’s birthday than punching hippies. You can read a book. Or two. That’s what I’m going to do.

But what about you?

Yesterday, you told us what you thought Frank J would be doing for his birthday. Today, you get to tell us what you’re doing.

Go!

I know what I’M getting for him.

Well, I’m not really GETTING it for him, since it’s kinda spendy.

But I have good intentions, and intentions are thoughts, and it’s the thought that counts, so technically, I’m getting it for him.

As for the rest of you, you can probably get him something from this list:
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Lil’ Mad Scientist Dino-DNA Kit (Rocket Launcher Not Included)

1) Jar-Jar Binks’ head on a pike.

2) A “get out of jury duty free” card.

3) Official Richard Castle “Writer” kevlar vest.

4) Patchouli-proof hippy-punchin’ gloves.

5) His very own bacon-bot.

6) An “Engineers know it’s not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force” t-shirt.

7) A left-handed monkey-wrench (for beating up left-handed monkeys).

8) Have Adam and Jamie test the “Mexi-Cannon” (they’ve only tested the Mexi-Pult), so that when it fails, they’ll keep building larger and larger versions until they finally get it to work.

9) Is there an app to make Siri say “Klaatu barada nikto”? Because I don’t think Frank’s going to able to get the Necronomicon without a little help.

10) A shrubbery. Yes, I know he already has a shrubbery, but he wants to be able to put another one next to is, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle.
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But seriously folks, can we all agree we need to chip in and have the XKCD guy give Frank some stick figure art lessons?

[via Regretsy]

Imagine how happy Frank would be to get this for his birthday.

I remember in my second grade class learning about dinosaurs in science class. “Dinosaurs were giant lizards who ruled the earth,” the science teacher said. “But they are all dead now — killed by a comet or some other science thing.”

I looked at the picture of a T-Rex in my science text book (people used physical books back then). It has fearsome teeth and looked quite formidable. It’s back was smooth, though, and it seemed like that could be more intimidating by having spikes on it. Or perhaps some weaponry, I thought. “Maybe in the future,” I told my science teacher, “we could put weaponry on dinosaurs and use them in the military.”

“Didn’t you hear me?” the science teacher yelled. “Dinosaurs are all dead, and nothing is bringing them back! Plus, science has already determined what the future of warfare will look like. It will involve tiny robots that climb in people’s noses, go into their brains, and then blow up.”

“Won’t people just wear nose plugs to defeat that?” I asked.

“Fool! Eventually the enemy will have to smell something and then they will be vulnerable.”

“But…”

“Quiet! I am a science teacher — the mightiest of teachers — and I shall not be questioned! I am subtracting you a letter grade for DEFIANCE OF SCIENCE!”

But my science teacher was wrong, and the nose crawling, brain exploding robot program stalled because of advances in nose plugs that allow people to both smell things and block out tiny robots. But my idea of putting weaponry on dinosaurs is still alive and well. In fact, I think I’ll make a Kickstarter project for it soon.

I remember as a child my dad taking me out to the barn where he set up a scarecrow, but it had a weird colorful shirts and long hair. “I’m going to teach you how to punch hippies, son,” my father told me. “When they talk, you punch them really, really hard in the face — really put your body into it.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

My father slapped me. “That was a stupid question. So what did you just learn?”

I rubbed my sore cheek. “Not to ask it again.”

“Exactly. Hippies say stupid things, but if someone doesn’t punch them in the face after they say it, they might get the idea it isn’t stupid. And then hippie idiocy could spread. That’s why we all have to be diligent and punch every hippie we see. To keep that from spreading.”

“Okay! That sounds like fun!”

My father slapped me again.

“What was that for?” I asked, rubbing my cheek again.

“There’s just something about you I don’t like. But anyway, let’s get to practicing.” He put a tape recorder behind the scarecrow and turned it on. The tape recorded said, “We can’t hug our children with nuclear arms!” and then in response I punched the hippie scarecrow as hard as I could, knocking some of the straw loose. It felt good, and I knew I was learning a valuable skill.

Back in the day, we were all diligent about punching hippies. But at some point — I assume some time after Reagan left office — people got lazy. And then one day somewhere in our country, a hippie said something stupid and wasn’t punched in his face. And then he kept saying and others did too and now you can see where the country is. I will have to train Buttercup from an even earlier age to recognize and punch hippies, for she has much punching ahead of her if one is ever to turn this country around.

As part of Frank J Birthday Week here at IMAO, the regularly-scheduled lolterizt! round-up will be postponed until next week in order to bring you this special edition of lolfrank!

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Arik:

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From Arik:

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From Arik:

From Arik:

[The reference is at 1:52, but the whole video’s worth a watch]

From Arik:

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From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

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From Arik:

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From Arik:

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From Arik:

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From Arik:

From Les of Brick Moon:

From Mark:

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From Mxymaster:

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From Travelwise42:

Bonus video from Storm1911, who thinks the driver/pilot looks like Frank J. (before the rhinoplasty):

[YouTube direct link]

Once again, the uncaptioned lolterizt! picture for you to play with for next week:

And an uncaptioned lolbama for 2 weeks hence [High Praise! to silaS marreD]:

Toss-up between Arik for knowing way too many Weird Al songs, and Mxymaster for watching too much Saturday morning TV in the 70’s.

What say you?

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

I remember as a child looking up at the night sky with my father beside me. I pointed up at the moon and said, “Look at that? Why does it mock us so?”

“No one knows,” my father answered, “We planted a flag upon it, but it still shows no obedience.”

I looked up at the terrible glowing rock. “I think it’s threatening us.”

“Perhaps so.”

“Then why don’t we do anything about it?”

My father thought a moment. “Because of the Democrats. They want us to appease the moon. And appease the Soviets. And they will use that weakness against us. Perhaps the moon and the Soviets might team up and attack us together. I don’t know if we’re prepared for lunar Commies.”

“Well, I won’t appease them or the moon.” I glared up at our natural satellite. “One day I will do something to the moon to show that we dominate it and that we fear nothing!”

My father patted me on the head. “Ha. You are stupid and a child. Now let us do our nightly preparation for a Commie invasion and then watch Family Ties.”

Today, the moon still mocks us. Every night, Buttercup points up at the sky and says, “Moon!”

And I say to her, “Yes, I know. It frightens me too. But one day… one day we will show it.” No matter how dark things get in our nation’s problems, we must never forget the threat of the moon. And one day still we will do something about it.

So, today is my 33rd birthday. Wow, thirty-three years is kind of a long time. Back when I was born, Carter was president and people thought it was the worst time ever because no one had heard of Obama yet. But by the time I was old enough to know what a president was, Ronald Reagan was in charge. I even remember seeing him on the TV, warning us all that the Commies were trying to parachute troops into the Midwest so keep watching the skies. He’d end every speech with, “Remember: If you see a Commie, kill a Commie.” Everyday we’d turn on the TV to see the news (people watched news on the TV back then), and along with the weather forecast we’d get chance of there being an invasion (“40% chance of Commies today, so be on the alert.”). And if we saw anything up in the sky, we’d run out and start shooting at it; the last thing you’d ever want was Commies to successfully touch ground in the Midwest because it’s a big place and it would take forever to find them. I think a few of them that did make are still there, probably as college professors.

It sucks to think that Buttercup’s first memories of a president will be of either Obama or Romney. It will be up to me to warn her to shoot at things in the sky that might be Commies. And I will tell her of great fearsome things of the past that are now long gone, like the Tyrannosaurus rex and Ronald Reagan.