Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Man, there is just so much happening out there.
Sad news. A young man in Minnesota killed his family, then drove to his school and started shooting people at random.
I get upset over this for two reasons (besides the victims). One — it’s always some kid who was a loner and had troubles. And two, the gun lobby works itself into a frenzy.
Why does this always seem to happen in some tiny town — why not here in Los Angeles?
Here in LA, at least the kids are packin’. That whack job would have gotten some serious return fire.
“I am the angel of Death. I am here to kill all of yo..(bam, bam bam) aaaieee. Stop, no, stop.Aah. I was just kid…”
Maybe if we get rid of guns, students can find a more humane way to knock each other off — like starvation!!
Terri Schiavo is running out of time. I’ll be writing more about this later on so I’ll just say this.. wouldn’t it be funny if somebody tried to kill Michael Schiavo — but they missed his vital organs, but he was mostly brain dead — and his family said, “Well, we know he wouldn’t want to live this way.” So they pulled the plug.
Sometimes, I just hate that life isn’t like a Hollywood movie.
In real life, Terri dies, Michael sues everyone, and the Left blames President Bush.
You need cheering up? Just open a paper and read what’s happening at Harvard. It’s all good.
Archive of posts filed under the News Round-Up category.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Monday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Unless, you live in Dallas. Then the news is bad. Have you read this?
Dallas is the top city for crime.
This explains the newest trend in street slang — “gimme your money, partner.”
Crime is so bad, the only safe place for visitors in Dallas is on the football field.
Dallas has drive by shooting just like all the other cities. Finding the criminals can be tough – all the cows look so much alike.
Do you know what criminals really want? A North Face jacket!
True. Police are noticing that the expensive jackets are often the target of street crime.
Now this can make for a very interesting mugging.
“That’s right man. This jacket is mine, punk. Ha. Mine, mine, mine!!!(Pause) Say, man, do you have this in an Extra large?”
RWD’s News Round-up, Thursday
Hello all,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news!!
Well, everybody’s talking about it. Robert Blake has been found “Not Guilty”.
Blake was surprised but happy. Outside the courthouse, Blake was so overcome by emotion that he almost dropped his gun.
He’s so excited he’s going to throw a party. He’s going to invite family, friends, and people who refused to kill his wife.
In fact, you’re all invited!! Remember, Los Angeles is a great place to visit. Come on out, get a tan, and knock off your wife.
In other big trials, Scott Peterson was sentenced to death.
So, if you’re going to kill your wife — remember these three secrets: Location, location, location.
Scott Peterson’s lawyer is seeking a new trial.
And why wouldn’t he – the first one didn’t end too well, did it?
So now he’s gotten the death penalty. Or as Scott would call it — “Gone Fishin'”
RWD’s News Round-up, Tuesday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Robert Iger has been chosen to replace Eisner as the Disney CEO. He’ll be stepping into the position in October.
Hmmm. He needs a catchy nickname. What rhymes with Iger?
Iger. Iger.. I know–
How about “Iger the Lion”?
Disney is getting desperate for real leadership.
It’s was so bad; Disney was interviewing people who came in wearing Mickey Costumes.
Executive: So, Mr. Um. Oh, yes. Mickey. Are you ready for this job?
Mickey: Mimes a thumbs up gestures, Jumps up and down like cheerleader..
Executive: The competition is intense. We need to rediscover our Disney roots and make more hits. Can you do that?
Mickey: Gets up and silently waltzes around the room and then sits back down.
Executive: We need to stick it to the competition. Do you think you could stick it to them?
Mickey: Gets up, performs a series of hip thrusts.
Executive: That’s the spirit that we need. How reasonable are your pay requirements?
Mickey: Gets up. Hip thrusts.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Monday
Hello Everyone,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Michael Schiavo rejected it.
Of course, I don’t blame the guys. He has a much better offer. He has 1.6 million dollars plus a wife to be named later.
Sorry, that was harsh. She’s been named. She’s just waiting for a slot in the rotation.
That businessman didn’t do anybody any favors. That offer only makes Mr. Schiavo look good. “Look at me, I’m not about the money.”
Of course it’s a bad deal all around. If he accepted the million bucks Michael would have to turn around and buy Terry’s silence.
BTW, a better proposition: Offer him the money for allowing 90 days of rehab for Terry. Think it through.
Jose Canseco is going up before Congress to give testimony on the use of Steroids in baseball. He’s also going there to plug his new book, “Getting rich and famous with steroids (foreword by Arnold Schwarzenegger).
He’s asking for immunity and some clean needles.
He doesn’t want a lot of immunity – just 65 cc’s.
Ball players are getting nervous over this whole issue. I say just embrace steroids. It’s the perfect solution.
The pharma companies can sponsor new stadium construction.
The tax payers don’ have to pay for it.
And if the stadium is built on the wrong spot – the ball players can get together and PUSH!
RWD’s News Round-up, Friday
Hello Everyone, I’m RightWingDuck here to share some news.
There are so many interesting characters in the news lately.
Embattled professor Ward Churchill is now being accused of plagiarism.
Amazing. And the man seemed so genuine.
Let’s see.
He faked his Indian credentials–
Inquiry Board: Are you sure you’re Indian?
Churchill: Of course I am, look at my long hair.
He faked his writing–
Interviewer: Are you sure you’re an author?
Ward: Of course, here’s my book — Das Kapital.
And he faked his humanity–
Co-worker: 3,000 dead at the World Trade Center
Ward: They had it coming.
So, students, remember – it’s okay to write vile, hateful statements about the death of innocents – but the writing must be original.
RWD’s News Round-up, Thursday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Dan Rather is off the air. Awwwww.
He signed off with the word –“Courage”.
Which is better than what he had originally planned- “Gotcha!! See you guy’s tomorrow.”
Now CBS News faces a major challenge.
Seriously, it’s going to be very difficult to find somebody willing to sit and read from a TelePrompTer while getting paid millions of dollars.
Best of luck to CBS.Courage!
In a funny note, CBS is now getting sued!
It was an odd moment — when the subpoena was served — the executives sniffed, “Yeah, official documents. Like we’re gonna fall for THAT one again.”
RWD’s News Round-Up, Tuesday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
USA Today reports that most small cars miserably fail side impact crash tests.
Let me make sure I understand this experiment. You ram this big vehicle into the side of a small vehicle — and then you’re shocked that it sustained so much damage?
In other news, Consumer Reports details which cars can’t handle being hurled off a bridge.
The only car that passed the test was the Mini-Cooper which bounced off a passing turtle and skipped to shore.
I also just discovered that my Hanes t-shirts aren’t bullet proof!! Curse you Michael Jordan!!
What is up with that?
I assume that if you buy a small car, you’re aware of the fact that it might not be as safe as a big car? I personally enjoy driving my Hyundai Death Casket GT.
RWD’s News Roundup -Wednesday
Hello Everyone,
I’m RightWingDuck, here to share the news.
The Supreme Court is hearing arguments regarding the display of the Ten Commandments.
The court is reviewing the commandments? If all goes well, the court might just go ahead and approve 4 of them.
Of course, the separation of church and state is something they take very seriously. If you want to display the commandments, you’ll have to follow the constitution, and display them in a jar of urine.
Lots of celebrity trials going on right now.
It’s always said to see a talented black pop star might be going to prison. Not Michael — I’m talking about Lil’ Kim.
RWD’s News Round-up – Friday
Hello Readers,
I’m RightWingDuck, here to share the news.
A few days ago, I talked about the poll that said America was ready for a female president. I told you not to take it too seriously because the other question was, “Would you vote for somebody whose name rhymed with nillary hinton?”
I hate being right. I think it’s one of the signs of the end times.
There’s an article that shows that the poll in question was taken at
the First Woman President symposium
So, in other words, at a female president symposium, 63 percent said they were ready to see a woman in the Oval office.
63 Percent!!
What about the other 37 percent of attendees? Were they only there for the food?
Man, don’t you hate it when the polling is tainted?
In other news, 4 out of 5 Jackson’s feel Michael is innocent.
RWD’s News Round Up – Thursday
Hello Everyone,
I’m RightWingDuck with today’s news roundup.
President Bush has just finished his trip meeting with foreign leaders.
Not the way John Kerry meets with foreign leaders; these people weren’t imaginary.
The president met with European Union leaders asking them not to sell weapons to China.
Jacques Chirac smirked, “What harm could they possibly do with such a small purchase of Taiwan Busters?”
Meeting with Vladimir Putin, they agreed that Iran shouldn’t develop nuclear weapons. No mention of the word PURCHASE! But it’s a step in the right direction.
Vladimir said that Russia would do Democracy their way. A new Democracy, where each gives according to his abilities, and all receive according to their needs.
A Virginia man has been charged in a plot to assassinate President Bush.
The young man is a Valedictorian graduate from a Saudi School here in the United States.
Are we surprised by this?
It was probably on his college application!!
“You have a very impressive application.”
“Yes, my goal is to assassinate President Bush.”
“Very impressive. Can we help you with anything? Scholarship? Transportation? Bullets?”
“No, I just need to a different job.”
(Picking up the phone) That much hatred for Bush – I know just the person to hire you- Hello, Eason?”
President Bush insisted there was nothing to worry about. As a gesture of goodwill, he even signed the young mans book, “How to Assassinate The President — for dummies.”
I think it’s important that we take our security seriously.
We should start by renaming stuff.
Representative Charles Rangel Tuesday that it was an act of discrimination to label groups like Hezbollah “Islamic terrorists.”
Here’s my favorite part– “When we had the Ku Klux Klan we didn’t call them Baptist terrorists. When Hitler was killing Jews, we didn’t call it Christian terrorists.”
I love it! Hitler was a Christian? I guess it’s all relative..
I mean, somewhere in America there’s a 900 pound man that looks at Michael Moore and says, “How does Michael keep such a trim figure?”
I can understand how ultra-liberals could confuse Hitler with a Christian. Sure, he murdered 6 million Jews, but he buried the bodies. “What a Christian”, they say.
When they pull the feeding tube on Terri Schiavo, and let her starve, I’m sure they’ll roll her carcass onto the street for street cleaning day.
I’m sure Rangel would admire this Christian act.
BTW, we still have the KKK, and we don’t call them Baptists — we call them Senator.
Time is running out for Terri Schiavo.
You know, I actually thought of a great solution!
Maybe the best answer is to accuse her of a crime and then have her arrested.
Sounds cruel, I know. But at least this way, she might get some healthcare — and at least a minimal amount of therapy — how else could she answer the charges?
Now, the ‘victim’ would have to be a black person. This way we’d have Al Sharpton there saying that a black person’s rights were violated by this woman pretending to be vega-tose. He’d be careful not to call her a Vegatose Christian.
Hurray, maybe finally there would be a liberal organization that gave a crap!!
Oh, man. I’m doing it again.
Think about puppies. Think about puppies.
In India, two little boys and two girls were each married off — not to each other — but to puppies. It was a special ceremony to ward off evil.
They were all happy with their puppies except for one boy who cried because – “My puppy is coyote ugly.”
Besides, how often do you hear a toddler ask, “How did I get stuck with this bitch?”
According to the Daily News of Pakistan, “neighbors and relatives of the four children danced to music performed by the band before the marriages were solemnized with puppies of the opposite sex.”
What song do you play for something like this? “Who let the dogs out?”
“I need to ward off evil. How much is that puppy in the window?”
Reports are showing that a chemical found in rocket fuel is being detected in breast milk.
Yes, it is being found in quantities that are not considered safe.
Evidently, they had always suspected something was wrong.
“Sweetheart, do you have to go potty?”
“Yes, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. ooops. Blasting off!”
Of course there were other hints as well.
“Is everything coming out okay?”
“Uh, Houston, we have a problem.”
This is wild. We have a chemical from rocket fuel in a mother’s breast milk!!
Authorities are stressing that this doesn’t mean that a mother should automatically turn to baby formula. Yep, that’s right. Baby formula normally has too much diesel!
Wild, huh? Hopefully we can get those rocket fuel chemicals down to a healthy level. Man, you never know what can get you sick.
Careful out there. There is a new cell phone virus going around.
If you have a phone with BlueTooth wireless technology, you can get it if you walk within 100 feet of an infected phone. Basically, the virus puts weird messages on your screen.
Be careful, if you get the virus twice, you end up with pictures of Paris Hilton.
Authorities are worried. They’re concerned that the virus might mutate and affect the population of IPODS!
Well, why isn’t congress doing something? We need Nationalized Phone Healthcare!
**
Folks, I have a special request. My time schedule doesn’t allow for to much web surfing. So- it’s IMAO reader involvement time. If you read a newsblurb out there that might interest people – pass it on to me. It doesn’t have to be funny to be newsworthy. Anything can be made funny. If you’re a blogger, make sure you include your blog address for proper linkage.
You can reach me at rightwingduckatyahoocom. Include the word “Roundup” in the subject line.
As always, please post your favorite joke in comments. I’ll try to tone it down, hopefully with other news stories I can get away from being too political.
RWD’s News Roundup – Wednesday
Hello, I’m RightWingDuck
Let’s talk about the news and what is going on in this happy little world.
A judge ordered an extension of the stay in the Terry Schiavo Right-To-Die case. He is considering ordering tests to see just how damaged her brain really is. At stake is whether or not they will pull her feeding tube.
A right-to-die case? Calling the Schiavo case “A right-to-die case” is like calling the Scott Peterson trial a ‘domestic dispute’.
The husband, Michael, won a court settlement and said he would use the money to take care of his wife. I guess we misunderstood the phrase “take care of.”
The only thing he’s done with the money is pay for lawyers to let her starve. I’m reminded of that great Simpsons’ line. “I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of options.”
The media insists on calling this woman brain dead, except for her ability to recognize people and smile at her loved ones – she’s a total vegetable.
Not that we see that too much because her parents aren’t allowed to see her, she’s not allowed to have pictures on the wall, or even flowers.
Ironic, if she were at Guantanomo – being starved would be considered cruel.
Hollywood should make a movie about this!!!
Oh, wait, they did. And it’s up for an Oscar.
Michael Schiavo will star in “Sugar Baby II, I Finally Killed My Wife – and Married My Lover”.
Of course, the Oscars are coming up and Hollywood is getting ready to address all of the important social issues — like Bush Bashing!
The LA Weekly is reporting that comedian Chris Rock will be going after Bush. Wow, how original. The report also shows a strong repertoire of Mother-in-Law jokes.
Oh, Hollywood. You kill me! Or you would if I was on a feeding tube!
Okay. Enough about that.
Los Angeles has been devastated by the rainstorms. City officials are seeking to have Los Angeles declared a disaster area.
See, growing up, my mother would always say, “This room is a disaster area!”
I didn’t know you could get money because of it. Man, I wish I could go back!
“This room is a disaster area! Do you know what that means young man?”
“That I qualify for low or no interest federally subsidized loans?”
The rains have flooded freeways everywhere. The other day, Governor Schwarzenegger toured the devastation — in his yacht — the I Hate Girlie Men.
In the Michael Jackson case, the jury selection is now complete. Funny. No black people on the jury: 4 men, 8 women, 7 whites, 4 Hispanics, and 1 Asian.
I forget — is Michael white or Asian?
I have to ask: Is that a good sign from your lawyer?
“No blacks? Why are we doing that?”
“When we lose, Michael– we want to blame racism.”
“What do you mean- WHEN we lose?”
“Did I say when? I meant IF. IF we lose. By the way, can you pay me in advance?”
Michael faces Child Molestation charges Or as the media calls it — A Freedom-of-expression case!!
In lighter news, Miss America has no network sponsor.
AWWWWW.
It seems that they might try their hand at making Miss America into a reality show.
Fake boobs, capped teeth, packaged answers.– yep,your either watching a reality show -or the Oscars.
They already have two sponsors lined up: Duct tape and Vaseline.
I could just see it now: Reality TV rules with Beauty Pageant basics:
“Miss North Carolina, what would you do to promote world peace?”
“What? Screw you, that’s a stupid question. I won the immunity challenge!!”
“Uh, no. That was Miss South Carolina.”
“Really? Oh, I mean, I would make sure all the orphanages had warm milk.”
Jessica Simpson was hospitalized briefly with a stomach virus.
Doctors speculate she may have contracted the virus after listening to her own music.
Just kidding.
I love Jessica Simpson — very pretty lady. She may not be a great singer, but I am looking forward to her duet with William Hung.
Thank you, Jessica. “Take My Breath Away” was one of my favorite songs before she ‘catterwalled’ it – or as they say, gave it a right-to-die.
In Florida, a boy was suspended from school over a rubber band incident. According to the boys mother, a teacher demanded the boy turn over a rubber band, which he had been wearing on his wrist. He disagreed, but tossed the rubber band onto the teacher’s desk.
They said if he would have aimed it a little more and he would have gotten it closer to her face he would have hit her in the eye,” mother Jenette Rojas said.
Does that mean she can sue the school for sexual assault? Sure, all they do is hand out condoms, but if used in the wrong way – you never know what could happen!!
**
I know you’ve heard about this one.. A teacher has apologized for having students send hate mail to GI’s overseas.
Can you imagine that? You’re in South Korea, you get this packet of mail with these cute little crayon drawings and you open the first one–
“Dear Soldier, my name is Billy. I’m six years old. Will you be over there long? I’d like to live to be seven! Don’t come back.”
“Dear Baby Killer. You kill babies. That makes me sad. Do you like apples?”
“What the heck is this?!!”
To make up for it, the class will now be sending letters of apology.
“Oh, look! Apology letters.”
Dear Soldier, I’m sorry you’re a baby killer.
Awww. How sweet. How can you be angry with that? Don’t you just love little kids?
News reports show that that little Aiko, the three year old princess from Japan, could in fact one day become queen.
Well, it wasn’t an official statement, but it came through informal channels.
Her grandma and her grandpa were sitting by the fire.
Her grandpa said to her grandma —
hey now, hey now
It could be Aiko, Aiko one day!!
Jackomo fino anane
Hahahahhahahahahaha.
Sorry. It was funny at three o’clock this morning!!
Patience please.
The Queen of England will not be attending Prince Charles’ wedding.
This made the front page of all the British papers.
Everything has been smoothed over. Turns out, she thought Camilla Parker Bowles was really a man!
She still won’t attend the civil wedding. In her defense, do you know how HARD it is to get that hair appointment with Andre?
Is that how we see weddings?
“I’m sorry to miss it, son. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll catch the next one.”
**
Thanks
As always, I appreciate your time. Please take a moment and list your favorite joke in comments. Remember, I can’t hear you laugh.
RWD’s News Roundup – Monday
Welcome readers to IMAO!
I’m RightWingDuck with today’s monologue on the world and what’s happening.
Before I begin, I’d like to offer an apology to IMAO readers.
Last week, I made a comparison of the National Hockey League to the Democratic National Committee. This was inappropriate and I’m sorry if people were offended by this unfair comparison.
One is an organization filled with gap toothed goons who whack each other in the head when their backs are turned — the other is a professional sports league.
The good news is that so far, not a single Democrat has blamed the NHL cancellation on global warming.
Again, my apologies, I just haven’t been myself lately with all this rain!!!!
Here in Southern California we have had a record amount of rainfall.
It’s so wet — if it keeps up at this pace my wife and I might relocate to someplace warm and dry — like Seattle.
Authorities here rushed to the Los Angeles River to investigate reports that some unknown substance had been spotted. Turns out it was just WATER! (Sorry, that’s an LA joke — funny mostly to locals)
The top news story today –it was revealed that author Doug Wead secretly taped George Bush during an interview for his book. On the tape Dubya states, “Do you want your little kid, to say, ‘Hey daddy, President Bush tried marijuana; I think I will?'” said Bush on the tapes. “That’s the message we’ve been sending out. I wouldn’t answer the marijuana question.”
Folks, I believe we have found the real reason that schools nationwide are canceling their spelling bees. Bush is making education seem unnecessary.
“Son, you won’t succeed in life without good spelling!”
“Not true, dad, you’re always misunderestimating me.”
I’m concerned about this news report, of course. I hope this doesn’t affect his chance at reelection!
Bwu-ha-ha-ha. Bwuhahahahahahaha. Oh, sorry
Today was President’s Day!
Hopefully, some of you celebrated with a day off, a nice family gathering, and a trip to see your local Pride Parade.
An organization came out today insisting Lincoln was not gay, as a soon-to-be-released book alleges..
The organization protesting this accusation is made up of descendants of Lincoln’s closest friends: A construction worker, an Indian chief, a police man, and a biker dressed in leather chaps.
CIA Chief Porter Goss announced the other day that Al Queda just might sneak across the Mexican border.
Might?
That’s like saying that Paris Hilton might like being in front of the camera.
Paris Hilton had her cell phone hacked and a complete list of all her celebrity friends and their phone numbers was published for the entire world to be able to call.
Police report that some of her friends have received as many as sixteen phone calls.
So the question has to be asked — what made these celebrities think that Paris can keep anything private?
Anyway, the Bush team took a close look at the Porter Goss statements and then came out with a memo emphasizing the need to add private accounts to Social Security.
So the big question is this; Are these smuggled Al Queda taking jobs from honest American terrorists?
Man, I’m so glad we have a border patrol.
On a personal note, I used to worry that terrorists would smuggle a nuclear warhead and detonate it in Los Angeles. Then I realized — this is where all of their allies live and work. Hollywood is like the Al Queda Green Zone.
But I do worry about the rest of you.
George Bush is embarking on a trip to meet with our allies. He wants to mend fences and convince countries to help us rebuild Iraq. He’ll be meeting with France very soon. If all goes well, they’ll sign on to help us restore order.
No really. Stop laughing. In actuality, it’s really a good idea.
The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents.
We’d have them licked in no time.
Philadelphia has announced its plans to create one of the country’s largest Wi-Fi spots.
This will provide a tremendous amount of convenience. If you wanted to protest homosexuality you could protest, pray, and get arrested — all from the comfort of your own home.
Man, this could really help Philadelphia move into the twentieth century.
Great slogan idea: “Philly: the City of Brotherly love — no not you.”
A teacher is in trouble for teaching his students how to make bombs.
When told of this news Ted Kennedy was livid. Are our tax dollars paying for this Madrasa?
What’s education coming to?
As Mary Kay Latourneau would say, “Make love, not war.”
Of course, the teacher is in trouble. A shame too, his next idea showed so much promise – a METH lab!
A woman sold her pregnant belly for use as ad space to the highest Ebay bidder.
True, the woman is pregnant and sold her belly space for the highest bidder to use as advertising.
I wonder if that kind of advertising works at all.
“Quick, Doctor. I need help. My wife is in labor”
“Just one minute, I have this sudden urge for a Pepsi!”
“D’oh. Darn advertisement.”
So this is a growing trend.
One day, a guy will drop his pants to moon the crowd — and he’ll be ticketed – for spam!
A bit of controversy though. She decided to sell her space to the second place bidder. The winner says they may now sue. They mean it too. They got the name of a good lawyer from a guy’s forehead.
You know what would have been great? A tourist ad!
“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas- most of the time.”
New York has dropped the moniker — the Big Apple.
Now the new slogan is “The World’s Second Home.”
Today John Kerry commented, “Not a bad second home, but it’s a bit cramped.”
I liked the other proposed slogans:
“Come home again and get mugged all over.”
“Every 12th visitor gets a contract with the Yankees.”
“Just like home, but with hookers on your sofa.”
Former ball player, Mike Greenwell of the Boston Red Sox came in second in the 1988 MVP race. He says that he deserves to have the MVP because he played clean that year.
No offense to Mr. Green, but that’s ancient history. Besides, how do you track advantages and disadvantages?
“Sure he hit 38 home runs, but 10 of were off pitchers that were hung over!”
I don’t know about this.
If you find out the Playmate of the Month has breast implants — does Playboy owe you a refund?
Or does it owe you a refund if you find out she doesn’t?
That would change the way young men look at magazines.
“Wow, she’s hot. What’s that on her breast?”
“I don’t know, dude. But I need a Pepsi.”
**
That’s it folks. Have a good evening.
One last request. I’m sure at least ONE of these jokes made you chuckle. Please post your favorite one in comments. Remember, I can’t hear you laugh.
RWD’s News Roundup – Friday
Hello Everyone,
I’m RightWingDuck and it’s time to talk about the news and what’s been going on!
In politics…
Hillary Clinton is proposing that felons be allowed to vote. It is estimated that 4.7 million Americans are barred from voting.
This can’t be good for Republicans. Studies show that for every 3 felons — the Democrats get 4 votes!
Might not be all bad, though. If you show up at the polls and the lines are long — you can always find a good game of Three Card Monte.
“How did it go at the polls today, honey?”
“Not bad. The lines were long, but I won $40 and picked up a new car stereo.”
“Best Buy? Circuit City?”
“Better: This guy was holding an Election Day sale, right from his trunk!”
The good news to this legislation?
They want to make election day a holiday! That would be awesome. The way Republicans are winning elections, we need a day to celebrate. Dancing in the streets would also be allowed and encouraged. Maybe even legal fireworks day!!!
Even though Kerry lost the election by 3 million votes (and by 118,000 votes in Ohio), they’re saying it’s not an attempt to gain an edge in the next election.
In other news, John Kerry introduced legislation encouraging minorities to relocate to Ohio.
“If we can get another 120,000 people to discover the joy of living in Ohio — well that would be good for America too.”
Congress is starting to talk about reviving the Fairness Doctrine for broadcasters.
If this is passed, broadcasts of all kinds would have to air both points of view. The downside is that the media isn’t always clear on how to represent both sides.
“On today’s show we’ll talk about an important topic: Is President Bush much worse than Hitler, or only a little worse than Hilter? We’ll talk to people from both sides of the issue.”
“Plus, tune in later for our closing comments — is the Media too Conservative and what can we do about it once and for all?”
Some legislators in California are floating the idea of taxing automobiles by the mile.
This might not be a bad idea. Ladies, you know how you could tell if your date is low on cash? Everywhere you guys go – he’s driving backwards.
Lindsay Lohan, now has a doll made in her image! Wow a Lindsay Lohan doll! What little girl wouldn’t enjoy something like that?
“Sweetheart. I hadn’t seen you with your Lindsay doll in a while. Where was it?
“I put it in the dolly hospital for exhaustion.”
“Sweetie. Your dolly’s boobs have really gotten much bigger.”
“Well. Hmm. Maybe that’s why she was so exhausted — from holding them in so long. Take a look.”
“Wow, you can barely see the scars.”
The doll will come with a fur coat and a director’s chair. That’s all well and good, but not really accurate. I mean, what has she directed?
Wouldn’t it be better if it came with a drink, a cigarette, and a daddy doll being hauled off to jail?
The NBA has come out with new policies limiting beer sales
All of this came from that huge fight between the fans and players. It started when a fan threw a beer at one of the Pacers. So now they want to regulate beer sales.
Isn’t that like controlling sex assaults by restricting room service!!
New rule. The fans will no longer be able to order beers after the third quarter!
Oh, and the players get cut off after the first half!
I’m glad the NBA is so in touch with modern medicine.
“Dad, it’s the end of the third quarter and you’re drunk!”
“I’ll be fine, son. Just give me that 15 minutes and I’ll be okay.”
Restricting beer sales is unfair. What if your team really sucks?
Yes, in Miami you can enjoy the game and have fun. Alcohol would be nice but you don’t really need it.
But here in Los Angeles — man — we need an open bar! That would enhance the fan’s experience!
“How’s Kobe doing?”
“Is he the one with the pom-poms?”
“No, idiot. He’s on the court!”
“I don’t see anything!”
“Well, get off the floor!”
Jose Canseco is still in the news. His book is selling well. Why wouldn’t it — the book states clearly that George Dubya knew about Jose’s use of Anabolic Steroids. I don’t think that Dubya will catch heat for it. The book is very specific:
“Did you know Jose’s powerful swing came from anabolics?”
“No, you mean like the Six Million Dollar man? Wow, are BOTH arms anabolic?”
In other news–
The district attorney has decided that no charges will be pressed against Bill Cosby for the alleged groping incident.
Asked about how he’ll celebrate he sang, “I’m going to go hoooooome, get some frieeeeeends, and celebrate with some jellooooooooo gelatin — wrestling.”
A dog made the news when he was playing Frisbee in the park. The cops came by and the retriever -having nothing to do — went and fetched the owner’s bag of marijuana.
What do you say when that happens. Is there a way to play it off?
“Rover, you can’t keep doing this. It’s time for an intervention! You have a problem!”
Or how about…
“Ha. Citizens arrest. Officer, I’ve been watching this dog for two weeks now. I knew he was up to no good.”
Wow. Your own dog gets you busted by the police. What would that conversation sound like?
“Sorry officer. It’s for medicinal purposes. It helps me with my ADD.”
“How long have you had ADD?”
“What ADD?”
Microsoft has announced that it will recall many of the X-box power cords. Turns out that many of these cords are defective and have been known to shock people and start small fires.
I can just picture two teenagers playing the Xbox.
“Man, you’re doing great. Oh no. Fire!”
“I AM firing”
“No, fire extinguisher!”
“Which button is that?. Which button is that? X, Y, A?”
Bill gates recently had announced that Microsoft will focus on better security.
Today, he also announced the new company motto: Stop, drop, and roll!
**
That’s all for today gang. Keep tuning in to IMAO where the fun never stops.
RWD’s News Roundup – Thursday
Hello everyone.
Welcome to IMAO the group humor blog.
I’m RightWingDuck and I’d like to take a few minutes and talk about what’s happening in the news lately.
The BBC is reporting that use of the Pill can change a woman’s taste in men.
Hmm. How long does this take? Could this change the dating scene for ugly men?
“Lisa, we’ve been working together for a year now. Would you like to go out with me?
“No, I’m sorry. I’m just not attracted to you. Can’t we just be friends?
“Sure thing. Here, taste this pill for me. How do I look now?”
“Better”
“Try this one.”
“Better yet”
“And this one.”
“Hey, you look a little bit like Russell Crowe. Would you like to go out to dinner?”
Now THAT would be a great invention. Not for me — but for you ugly guys- heck yes.
In other news, the Geneva Motor Show will be displaying a car that can sense your mood.
I don’t know if this is a good idea. Some guys are already having a hard time accepting GPS. Now we have something that senses our mood?
GPS System: “Driver, you should have turned left back there.”
Mood System: “He’s not listening. He’s in a bad mood.”
Driver: “I’m not in a bad mood, leave me alone. I meant to miss that turn.”
Mood System: “See, I told you he was in a bad mood. I just know these things. Let me shut down the car.”
Driver: “Hey, you shut down the car. What the heck is wrong with you?”
Mood System: (Long pause) “Well, if you don’t know — I’m not going to tell you.”
Driver: “You’re shutting me off? In the middle of nowhere?”
GPS System: “Well you wouldn’t be ‘nowhere’ if you had listened to me. He never listens.”
Driver: “I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD!”
Mood System: “He’s yelling. I told you he was in a bad mood. You want me to take over?”
I think that’s what John Kerry’s role will be in the next 4 years: The irritating back seat driver.
Try this one. Mr. Kerry is now saying that Dubya is finally implementing the Kerry plan. I don’t know what to say about this. Some things just fry the brain. I can imagine what those conversations are like.
Kerry: You should tell the Iraqis that our goal is to leave as soon as we can.
Dubya: I told them that already.
Kerry: Good, you’re following my plan.
Dubya: What do you mean, YOUR plan? This has been the plan from day one!
Kerry: Ooh, you’re in a bad mood. You want me to take over?
In Other Kerry News, Teresa Heinz Kerry dropped the Kerry part of her name. It was a silly idea to begin with. It was disrespectful of the man she truly loves — Mr. Heinz himself.
I guess it’s only fair. After all, now that the election is over, John no longer has to hold her hand in public.
A lot is happening in the art world.
At a recent auction, a bidder paid over $500,000 for a painting of dogs playing poker. The auction house is really excited. Next week they’ll be auctioning off: Elvis on Black Velvet. And the pottery people thing that the Shrek Chia Pet should fetch a pretty sum.
Ashley Olsen is suing the National Enquirer for $40 million dollars. In her suit, she contends that the Enquirer ran a false story about her involvement in a drug scandal.
The Enquirer is standing by its story and has said, “We’ll see you in court.”
Oh, man. Do you know what this means?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
The Enquirer has more guts than CNN!
No retraction. No resignation. No accusations of a mob rule by salivating celebrities. They stand by their story.
Ashley contends that the tabloid is trying to ruin her career.
Poor thing. It might get to the point where she won’t be able to make any more of those crappy movies.
With $40 million dollars, she could finally make “New York Minute, Part II”. That should be good for another $5 million dollars in revenue.
The Enquirer has also hired Anna Nicole Smith to write a weekly column. What about? I don’t know. I guess what she knows best: nudity, weight loss, and how to marry a rich guy.
She beat out the other contestant — John F. Kerry.
Said Kerry, “She’s following my outlines. I outlined a plan a long time ago. If she follows my plans she’ll be fine.”
J-Lo is has cancelled her latest tour because of illness.
Wow, you know it must be really bad when you don’t even have enough strength to lip-synch.
J-Lo is developing a new fashion line. It is conceivable that her next movie review would be a clean sweep.
I would love to see that movie review. “This movie was awful. The soundtrack was pathetic, and the costumes they wore were gaudy and tasteless. The good news, J-Lo found the man of her dreams while filming. She’ll be getting married right after divorcing her current husband and breaking up with her last fiancé.”
No concerts? I hate when good entertainment gets cancelled.
Which I guess why I’m not so affected by the loss of the National Hockey season this year.
No more body slamming? No more swearing? No more vicious brute force? Thankfully, NHL fans can get a special Cable TV subscription to Howard Dean and the DNC meetings.
The NHL reminds me of the DNC – nothing really there to see, but still quite a few fans.
Have you heard the latest?
Howard had requested a media blackout for a meeting with a top Pentagon advisor. He wanted no reporting, no recording, no record of anything.
Hey, who does this guy think he is — Eason Jordan?
Thankfully, he changed his mind.
Meanwhile Wednesday, ‘Dean called on the head of New York’s Republican Party to apologize or resign over remarks linking the Democrats to a civil rights lawyer convicted of aiding terrorists.’
Yes. I agree. That remark was very offensive. Amazing, Dean is already becoming a good influence on the DNC. Under his leadership, they just might become the party of the guys with Confederate flags on their pickup trucks.
I’d like to close out today’s roundup with a bit of sad news.
Sad news really. Pop Singer George Michael has said “Good bye” to the pop music world. Yes, he’s done. He’s said, “Good bye.”
The pop music world responded, “George who?”
He’s leaving the music industry!?
Oh no! Who’s next? Bobby Brown?
**
That’s it for today. Remember, I post from the West Coast (hey that rhymed) so check in late each evening where I should be posting the monologue for the day.
It’s an honor to be one of the IMAO bloggers. My site at www.rightwingduck.net will still be up and running with a couple of fresh humor posts each week.