Welcome readers to IMAO!
I’m RightWingDuck with today’s monologue on the world and what’s happening.
Before I begin, I’d like to offer an apology to IMAO readers.
Last week, I made a comparison of the National Hockey League to the Democratic National Committee. This was inappropriate and I’m sorry if people were offended by this unfair comparison.
One is an organization filled with gap toothed goons who whack each other in the head when their backs are turned — the other is a professional sports league.
The good news is that so far, not a single Democrat has blamed the NHL cancellation on global warming.
Again, my apologies, I just haven’t been myself lately with all this rain!!!!
Here in Southern California we have had a record amount of rainfall.
It’s so wet — if it keeps up at this pace my wife and I might relocate to someplace warm and dry — like Seattle.
Authorities here rushed to the Los Angeles River to investigate reports that some unknown substance had been spotted. Turns out it was just WATER! (Sorry, that’s an LA joke — funny mostly to locals)
The top news story today –it was revealed that author Doug Wead secretly taped George Bush during an interview for his book. On the tape Dubya states, “Do you want your little kid, to say, ‘Hey daddy, President Bush tried marijuana; I think I will?'” said Bush on the tapes. “That’s the message we’ve been sending out. I wouldn’t answer the marijuana question.”
Folks, I believe we have found the real reason that schools nationwide are canceling their spelling bees. Bush is making education seem unnecessary.
“Son, you won’t succeed in life without good spelling!”
“Not true, dad, you’re always misunderestimating me.”
I’m concerned about this news report, of course. I hope this doesn’t affect his chance at reelection!
Bwu-ha-ha-ha. Bwuhahahahahahaha. Oh, sorry
Today was President’s Day!
Hopefully, some of you celebrated with a day off, a nice family gathering, and a trip to see your local Pride Parade.
An organization came out today insisting Lincoln was not gay, as a soon-to-be-released book alleges..
The organization protesting this accusation is made up of descendants of Lincoln’s closest friends: A construction worker, an Indian chief, a police man, and a biker dressed in leather chaps.
CIA Chief Porter Goss announced the other day that Al Queda just might sneak across the Mexican border.
Might?
That’s like saying that Paris Hilton might like being in front of the camera.
Paris Hilton had her cell phone hacked and a complete list of all her celebrity friends and their phone numbers was published for the entire world to be able to call.
Police report that some of her friends have received as many as sixteen phone calls.
So the question has to be asked — what made these celebrities think that Paris can keep anything private?
Anyway, the Bush team took a close look at the Porter Goss statements and then came out with a memo emphasizing the need to add private accounts to Social Security.
So the big question is this; Are these smuggled Al Queda taking jobs from honest American terrorists?
Man, I’m so glad we have a border patrol.
On a personal note, I used to worry that terrorists would smuggle a nuclear warhead and detonate it in Los Angeles. Then I realized — this is where all of their allies live and work. Hollywood is like the Al Queda Green Zone.
But I do worry about the rest of you.
George Bush is embarking on a trip to meet with our allies. He wants to mend fences and convince countries to help us rebuild Iraq. He’ll be meeting with France very soon. If all goes well, they’ll sign on to help us restore order.
No really. Stop laughing. In actuality, it’s really a good idea.
The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents.
We’d have them licked in no time.
Philadelphia has announced its plans to create one of the country’s largest Wi-Fi spots.
This will provide a tremendous amount of convenience. If you wanted to protest homosexuality you could protest, pray, and get arrested — all from the comfort of your own home.
Man, this could really help Philadelphia move into the twentieth century.
Great slogan idea: “Philly: the City of Brotherly love — no not you.”
A teacher is in trouble for teaching his students how to make bombs.
When told of this news Ted Kennedy was livid. Are our tax dollars paying for this Madrasa?
What’s education coming to?
As Mary Kay Latourneau would say, “Make love, not war.”
Of course, the teacher is in trouble. A shame too, his next idea showed so much promise – a METH lab!
A woman sold her pregnant belly for use as ad space to the highest Ebay bidder.
True, the woman is pregnant and sold her belly space for the highest bidder to use as advertising.
I wonder if that kind of advertising works at all.
“Quick, Doctor. I need help. My wife is in labor”
“Just one minute, I have this sudden urge for a Pepsi!”
“D’oh. Darn advertisement.”
So this is a growing trend.
One day, a guy will drop his pants to moon the crowd — and he’ll be ticketed – for spam!
A bit of controversy though. She decided to sell her space to the second place bidder. The winner says they may now sue. They mean it too. They got the name of a good lawyer from a guy’s forehead.
You know what would have been great? A tourist ad!
“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas- most of the time.”
New York has dropped the moniker — the Big Apple.
Now the new slogan is “The World’s Second Home.”
Today John Kerry commented, “Not a bad second home, but it’s a bit cramped.”
I liked the other proposed slogans:
“Come home again and get mugged all over.”
“Every 12th visitor gets a contract with the Yankees.”
“Just like home, but with hookers on your sofa.”
Former ball player, Mike Greenwell of the Boston Red Sox came in second in the 1988 MVP race. He says that he deserves to have the MVP because he played clean that year.
No offense to Mr. Green, but that’s ancient history. Besides, how do you track advantages and disadvantages?
“Sure he hit 38 home runs, but 10 of were off pitchers that were hung over!”
I don’t know about this.
If you find out the Playmate of the Month has breast implants — does Playboy owe you a refund?
Or does it owe you a refund if you find out she doesn’t?
That would change the way young men look at magazines.
“Wow, she’s hot. What’s that on her breast?”
“I don’t know, dude. But I need a Pepsi.”
**
That’s it folks. Have a good evening.
One last request. I’m sure at least ONE of these jokes made you chuckle. Please post your favorite one in comments. Remember, I can’t hear you laugh.
That was brilliant,Harvey!
I can’t stand it. I just can’t stand it.
Harvey?
RWD, it was good, long, but long isn’t always a bad thing.. Now, where are all the dirty jokes we were promised??
Oops,sorry Duck.I got some vodka in my eyes and got discombobulated and confusified. 😉
Brilliant stuff,RWD!
Liked the what stays in Vegas line.
I know, I know, it wasn’t part of the news summary, but it made me gaffaw the most. Great post, Harvey!
Do’h! RightWingDuck! Moe through me off. Mo-o-o-o! shakes fist
I mean, Mo-o-o-o-e!
Just call me Harvey, ‘kay?
LOL @ Tuning spork mooooing!
Some of those were funny, RWD, but don’t you think the daily news roundup is a bit too long when it takes longer to read it than watching the local news at night?
I liked the one with the L.A. River and water. It is so true. But I think it applies even more to those channels-cut-by-aliens-that-for-some-reason-have-water-in-them in AZ.
By the way, just a suggestion in the form of a question: could you separate the news items somehow; like with a dash or dot or something?
It took a long time to read? Try not moving your lips.. hahahahhaha. Just kidding.
Point taken.
Yes, it was a bit long, but the jokes were in danger of becoming stale.
And I can’t give you jokes that are old AND lame.
Lame, yes. I’ll happily give you lame.
Separating the jokes… not a bad idea. I’ll try that next time.
BTW, I’ve noticed nobody actually sharing which ones were funny. Tough crowd.
I don’t know about this.
I spewed my buttermilk at that one.
Just kidding, I really liked this one
“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas- most of the time.”
And I don’t drink buttermilk.
I think what made me laugh the loudest was:
I hope this doesn’t affect his chance at reelection!
I liked that one. The bits about Al Qaeda and Mexico were funny too.
“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas- most of the time.”
-Nice one
I am a Philly native (been gone for 20 years, but still…), so this was my favorite:
Man, this could really help Philadelphia move into the twentieth century.
Great slogan idea: “Philly: the City of Brotherly love — no not you.”
George Bush is embarking on a trip to meet with our allies. He wants to mend fences and convince countries to help us rebuild Iraq. He’ll be meeting with France very soon. If all goes well, they’ll sign on to help us restore order.
No really. Stop laughing. In actuality, it’s really a good idea.
The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents.
We’d have them licked in no time.
I’ll be cleaning my screen for hours. Great job Ducky!
Okay, okay. That was pretty funny… 🙂
“The organization protesting this accusation is made up of descendants of Lincoln’s closest friends: A construction worker, an Indian chief, a police man, and a biker dressed in leather chaps.”
Can’t you just let us be evil for a while?
George Bush is embarking on a trip to meet with our allies. He wants to mend fences and convince countries to help us rebuild Iraq. He’ll be meeting with France very soon. If all goes well, they’ll sign on to help us restore order.
No really. Stop laughing. In actuality, it’s really a good idea.
The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents.
We’d have them licked in no time.
This made me laugh quite a bit. Then I thought to myself, where’s the fun in the insurgents surrendering?
“Sure he hit 38 home runs, but 10 of were off pitchers that were hung over!”
One thing though; I’m afraid you’re mistaken about L.A. being safe; terrorists will try to smuggle a nuke into the most populous, least protected parts of the country – it’s got to be either California or New York. They don’t care about whether any non-muslims are on their side, they just want to kill us all.
Kind of refreshing to have enemies who are just cowards, not weasels(often)…
akk of that was really funny… but my favorite was clearly the line about Bush’s reelection!
New York: The Third World’s Second Home
Dunno, overlord…
If it took you THAT long to read, it was because you kept laughing. Give the duck some credit in your gripe.
Police report that some of her friends have received as many as sixteen phone calls.
Probably all from me lol. But persistence paid off when I was called by non other than Paris Hilton herself. She asked me where I was getting the numbers from. I know nobody will believe it, but what the hell I’ll put it out there.
I have been in LA now for a total of 8 days. I can say 2 things about the rain. First, it doesn’t compare to South Florida – not even close. Then again, it is quite a bit of rain for a DESERT. 2nd (and thankfully last) in all the visits to this overcrowded sprawl over the last 30 years or so, I can say without exception that the AIR is so clean you can’t even see it. THAT is so unusual. . .
“Just like home, but with hookers on your sofa.”
Funny stuff!
To help you out, I kept reading it all over and over and over. By the fourteenth read, though, nothing made me laugh. Sorry.
An organization came out today insisting Lincoln was not gay…
The organization protesting this accusation is made up of descendants of Lincoln’s closest friends: A construction worker, an Indian chief, a police man, and a biker dressed in leather chaps.
good stuff!!
The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents.
On a personal note, I used to worry that terrorists would smuggle a nuclear warhead and detonate it in Los Angeles. Then I realized — this is where all of their allies live and work. Hollywood is like the Al Queda Green Zone.
Now that’s good stuff. The LA River joke was pretty good too.
“Every 12th visitor gets a contract with the Yankees.”
Classic!
”They got the name of a good lawyer from a guy’s forehead” caught me off guard—like a laugh ambush. The Pepsi references were good too… it was all good! Sorry my comment is a little late, it just took me this long to read it. Seriously, it wasn’t too long at all. IMAO sure has a bunch of whiners: It’s too long, it’s too lowbrow, it’s too crass, waah, waah.
Ja – perhaps I should clarify. I thought it was very funny stuff, much better than my local news. Not too many others think it took too long to read, so I am going to go ahead and attribute that to the fact that I am originally from Alabama, and thus a bit “slow” (its a great excuse to use in college).
I for one, welcome HumanOverlord.
Thanks for laughing.
Hurray. Somebody liked the forehead joke. That one was my favorite.