Amid shouts of “We got nukie!” and “OO! Round-eye! You kung-fu no good! We hit chop-chop on you head!”, the North Korean delegation stepped away from the negotiating table last week, breaking off the amusing, yet ineffectual, 6-way talks that had been going on since 2003.
Despite their bluster, we know the North Koreans will be back eventually, since it’s their only shot at grazing a buffet containing something besides gravel and anorexic kittens. However, it would certainly be nice if we could hustle the North Koreans back to the table a little sooner, if only because I, as a patriotic American, am sick of having my kung-fu disparaged.
So as a personal favor to Secretary of Sexy, Condi Rice, I offer these:
* Offer them copies of Don King’s “Hair Poofing for Dummies”.
* Karaoke! Free Rail Drinks! and Girls! Girls! Girls!
* Threaten to hack the official North Korea web site and turn it into a group humor blog.
* No lap-dance posts, though – that would be a violation of international law.
* Promise them all the puppies they can eat. Reynolds can probably spare a few.
* Give in to Kim Jong Il’s demands and let him play the Mayor of Munchkin City in the new “Wizard of Oz” remake.
* Send the USS Jimmah Cahtah over to rabbit-blast them into submission.
* Have Frank J. issue an official apology for all those poofy hair remarks while doing the Happy Dance.
* Stop making them sit at the little folding card table with all the diplomats’ bratty kids.
* Keep repeating “apoofyhaireddictatorsayswhat?” Nothing says “negotiate” like a good Wayne’s World reference.
* Heh. “Babe-raham Lincoln”.
* Ya know, they’re just mad because we forgot to buy them roses on Valentine’s Day. North Koreans are such women.
* Yeah, I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight for that one.
* Offer them free “YEAAAAGH!” lessons from Howard Dean.
* Empty America’s nuclear arsenal into their crappy little country and then yell “First!”
How do you like our kung-fu NOW, poofy-head?