After trying to sleep in and being woken up multiple times by my kitten climbing up the headboard, sticking her paw between the slats, and clawing the top of my head, I’ve decided the only way to properly discipline her is to throw her into a bog.
Anyone know of a good, out of the way bog?
Archive of entries posted on 8th February 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 4
So I Google searched “New King James Bible” and found a bunch of sites that pretty much said it was written by Satan himself. Ends up, there’s like a group out there that hates every Bible other than the King James Version.
What a bunch of spazzes.
Oh, and for the concerned Catholics, I have a regular Catholic Bible too; it’s just soft-cover and getting kinda ratty. I’ll get a new one later. Can never have too many Bibles (except for that Living Bible I have… ugh). Ends up that the Catholics were slow to having an English Bible because many didn’t think that the laymen should try to interpret scripture by themselves. That’s crazy.
Now my interpretation of scripture:
Anyhoo, chapter 4 of Genesis is all about the famous story of Cain and Abel and I found enough in it to do one post devoted to the subject. At first glance, there’s nothing special to it: an older brother gets jealous of a younger sibling and tries to kill him (my older brother tried to kill me the first time I got straight A’s). It has my all time favorite Bible quote, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” I use that all the time. Like if SarahK ask where the big mixing bowl is, I’ll reply, “Am I the mixing bowl’s keeper?” I love that.
But it makes a horrible defense. If you ever saw anyone use that line on a police drama, you’d be like, “That guy it totally guilty! …And he needs to update his prose.” Using that lame a defense against God, Who is smarter than that average Joe, is particularly short-sighted. Maybe Cain couldn’t think of any other defense; he certainly couldn’t claim an alibi since the only other people in the world are Adam and Eve who know very well not to get on God’s bad side. Being a defiant punk still didn’t help, though.
Here’s what he should have done:
GOD: “Where is your brother Abel.”
CAIN: (very nonchalantly) “I bashed in his head. Why? Is that bad or something?”
GOD: “You committed murder!”
CAIN: “Is that what it’s called? I didn’t know. If You’re upset, you should have put out a commandment out or something not to do that.”
GOD: “Well… uh… yeah, I guess so. Then, for future reference, don’t murder people. Now run along, you little scamp.”
Instead, Cain pisses off God and gets banished. Then Cain worries that others will kill him on sight.
What “others”? I thought it was just him and Adam and Eve now?
Anyway, God gives Cain a mark so no one will kill him (what’s that look like, and can I get it as a cool tat?), and Cain heads into the land of Nod and finds a wife.
Hello? Where are these other people coming from? I thought it was just Adam and Eve, or did God suddenly populate the world (meaning not everyone is traced back to Adam and Eve)? That sounds like that needs an explanation, but, the author, Moses, seems to have neglected it. I know it’s a little late for criticism, but it would nice if Moses’ best friend (what was his name? Ed, I think) had pointed out this seeming plot hole.
ED: “Uh, Mo, this just doesn’t make any sense.”
MOSES: “It’s God’s word!”
ED: “Well, yeah, but maybe you should ask God for a few more words for the point of clarification.”
Back to the story, the next part is a bunch of begatting going on, if you know what I mean (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more). Finally, Adam and Eve have another child, Seth, and you can bet Eve is secretly thinking, “I really wanted a girl – a non-murderous one.”
Anyway, I guess the point of this chapter is, if God accuses you of murder, you better have a really well thought out defense. If not, you get a cool tat, though.
Fun Trivia
Eason Jordan of CNN has charged that are troops are targeting journalists. Is this true?
Responsible Education Reform Means Having All Liberal College Professors Executed by the State
An Editorial by Frank J.
Higher education is important to this country. Without good colleges, we would…
Ah, screw the lede. Let’s get to the main point: liberal college professors should be rounded up and executed by the state. If you don’t know why, then you haven’t been to college or paid much attention to the news.
” These people are spreading lies to our children at their most vulnerable age – their early twenties .”
I know; a lot of you are probably squeamish at the phrase “rounded up and executed by the state,” but let’s look at this logically. Liberal college professors are annoying. When I was in college, I just wanted to learn about digital circuits, but they made me take classes about literature and other crap where the professor would spout about how horrible the white man is and how bad America is. I’d then start to charge him to strangle him, but then I realized that might cost me a letter grade.
See? Students can’t handle this themselves. These people are spreading lies to our children at their most vulnerable age – their early twenties – about how America is evil. This gives comfort to terrorists… or it would if anyone took them seriously. In the least, it’s irritating.
“But why execution?” you might ask. Because just shutting them up would be abridging their freedom of speech which is unconstitutional. Execution, on the other hand, is perfectly constitutional. And before you say we’re executing them for their speech, I remind you that we’ll be executing them for their speech and for being college professors. They sought out these positions as evil propagandists, and now it’s time for the chickens to come home to roost. And you know what that means…
Eggs!
…or something. Anyway, it’ll be funny, because, when we round then up, they’ll be like, “See! You’re just as evil and fascist as our fevered minds imagined!”
And we can answer, “Actually, we weren’t. But then we got the idea from you!”
There will probably be some protest from other countries such as France saying, “First they round up and kill their intellectuals! Who will the vile Americans kill next?”
We should have our ambassador answer, “Maybe the Europeans.” That’ll shut ’em up.
Now you might be asking who will teach in place of the now condemned professors. Well, most of those weren’t doing much teaching anyway… at least in any subject that is useful. If we need to replace them, though, I’d say use good ‘ole American grizzled Marine drill instructors.
“By the end of this class, you will either love America or fear it as an angry god!”
So let’s get to this. It’s for The Children™.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Proper Handgun Usage While Parasailing” and “Frank’s Bible Study Guide – Now Condemned by Most Religious Authorities!”.