Part I
Part II

“So what countries are Bush bringing to the multilateral talks with North Korea?”
“Uh… other ones,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan answered.
“Why does Bush want to kill Iraqi children?” Helen Thomas screeched, “Why is he planning to attack Iraq and kill Iraqi children? What did they ever do to him?”
“The main attack on Iraq has been over for quite some time, Helen,” Scott answered, “Have you been taking your pills?”
“Don’t avoid the questions, Ari!” she shot back.
“Someone please watch that woman,” Scott pleaded. “Any more questions?”
“Why is Attorney General Alberto Gonzales running around in a poncho and sombrero tasering people until they admit to being terrorists?”
“Every Attorney General has to find his own style,” Scott responded.
“And why does he have a thick Mexican accent now when he didn’t before?”
“That was Bush’s idea, actually. I’ll take one more question.”
“New tapes revealed that Bush did use marijuana. Does he not never use no marijuana now?”
“No,” Scott answered firmly, then looked a little confused, “Or yes… or… uh… could you repeat that? Actually, let me just make this statement: The President of the United States does not use drugs.”

Bush held out a joint to President Joseph Urusemal of Micronesia. “Want to get high? All the cool presidents do it.”
“Uh… no thanks.”
“Good,” Bush said as he put it away, “because then I’d have to strangle you. We need to set a good example to the kids.”
“That’s so right, President Bush. You are very smart!”
“Could you stop sucking up for a second, Joey? It’s getting tiresome.”
A stewardess walked by. “Please put your seats into their upright and locked position in preparation for landing.”
“I don’t have to do jack! I’m the president!” Bush shouted.
The stewardess huffed off.
“You see that, Joey? That’s power,” Bush said smugly as he lay back in his seat.

“Ow! My neck!” Bush exclaimed as he stumbled off the plane, “If only I had put my seat in that locked, upright position.”
“Maybe I can give you neck rub,” Urusemal suggested.
“Get away from me, Joey. Let’s just get into town and talk to that poofy-haired dork.”
As they got further into town, Bush took in the surroundings. “Certainly not like I expected North Korea. A lot more Muslims. A lot less Asians. And then there is that ‘Unwelcome to Iran’ sign.” Bush slapped his forehead. “Dagnabbit! I should have never have taken Air Force Four just to save money.”
As Bush and Urusemal walked into the center of town, they found themselves surrounded by angry looking Muslim clerics.
“Hey I’m sorry I didn’t veil myself or whatever it is you need me to do to go with the belief system of you freaks,” Bush said.
“We are the mad mullahs,” one announced, “We had your flight diverted so we can kill the friend of yours.” He pointed to Urusemal.
“Wow!” Urusemal exclaimed excitedly, “No president of Micronesia has been so important before to be targeted for assassination.”
“Don’t worry, Joey,” Bush told him, “These jackasses couldn’t kill a fly.”
“On the contrary, infidel,” one shouted as they all raised their staffs which began to glow, “We were given dark powers by Allah himself!”
“What did Allah look like?” Bush asked curiously.
“He’s red, has horns, a forked tail, and the legs of a goat,” answered one mullah.
“Sounds like Karl Rove.”
The mullah sent a dark blast of power at the feet of Bush and Urusemal, sending them flying back. Bush grabbed the Micronesian and ran into a building for cover.
“Am I going to die?” Urusemal asked, “and, if I do, how will that affect relations between our two countries?”
“I’m not going to let you die,” Bush said as he took out a radio, “If I let a head of state die on my watch, they won’t ever let me have another.” He fiddled with the radio. “If I could only get contact with Iraq, I could get some troops to help us… or more terrorists to kill us.”

“There’s nothing left to target ‘cept journalists,” Buck the Marine said, moping about the base in Iraq.
“The President is under attack in Iran,” Buck’s commanding officer announced, “Let’ see… Gomez still has paint on him from helping build that school, Johnson is on KP duty, so it’s up to you Buck.”
“How many Iranians do I need to be fighting, sir?” Buck asked.
“As many as needed! Now get going!”

“Do you think it’s odd we haven’t heard from the president in so long?” Condoleezza Rice asked.
“I think I don’t care,” Rumsfeld answered.
“How long does he have to be missing until I get to be president?” Cheney asked.
“We can give him another hour or two,” Rumsfeld said.
“Let’s have a street fighting tournament until then!” Condi suggested.
Laura Bush burst into the room excitedly. “Did someone say street fighting?”

“We will destroy you with our dark, Allah powers!” one mad mullah yelled.
“Just stay quiet, Joey,” Bush warned Urusemal, “They’ll eventually get distracted by some silly little thing they think is blasphemous. Then we can run for Korea from here.”
Suddenly there was some shouting and gunfire followed by silence. The door to the building Bush and Urusemal were hiding in was kicked open, and there stood Buck the Marine.
“Wow!” Bush exclaimed, “How did you get past their evil superpowers?”
“I done shot them,” Buck answered, “Ooh-rah!”
“Cool. Let’s get out of here,” Bush said as he stood up.
“Yeaaaaagh!” came a scream as Howard Dean crashed through the wall and plowed right into Bush. Both came crashing out another wall into the streets.
“Not you again!” Bush yelled as he tried to struggle away.
Dean grabbed Bush’s leg. “Hate Republicans! Yeaaaagh!”
“Shoot him, Buck!” Bush called out.
“Alrighty,” Buck said as he aimed his rifle and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. “Whoops, got a jam.”
Dean threw Bush against another building. “Yeaaaaagh!”
“Help me, Joey!” Bush pleaded.
Urusemal backed away. “I don’t want to be a part of your partisan squabbling; I need to have good relations no matter who is in office.”
“Does someone have some keys to help me fish out this stuck casing?” Buck asked.
“Kill Republicans! Yeaaaagh!” Dean yelled as Bush was tossed. He hit the ground rolling. Dean charged Bush once again, but Bush stayed on the ground and used his legs to send Dean flying over him into a well.
“Grenade!” Bush yelled. Buck tossed him one, and Bush pulled the pin and dropped it down the well. He ducked and covered his ears as it exploded, collapsing the well in on itself.
“Hopefully that killed Dean for good,” Bush said, dusting himself off. “Now, on to Korea!”

“The American President is on his way,” a North Korean intelligence agent said.
“Good!” Kim Jong Il said as he looked at a large metal suitcase and a picture of Bush’s briefcase. “Paint it black!” he ordered.
“Won’t the American President notice that his briefcase will have increased in size and now weighs over 45 pounds?” one worker asked.
“No! He stupid!” Jong shouted, “That why I need talks with only America. Any other countries come, they may notice switch. But not dummy Bush! Do you not see my hair? I cut it, and it is no longer poofy! I know what I talk of! Bush will take back suitcase nuke and blow up own country. Then he poofy-haired one! Muh hee hee hee!”
TO BE CONCLUDED…