Just when you thought there was nothing worse than a puppy blender, look what a reader found while in Iraq:
Who is Ron Paul, and why are his Ronulans so fervent even though IMAO’s scientific polling shows Ron Paul losing the presidency in a landslide to a dancing monkey? I already showed that FredThompsonForum.com is a Ron Paul supporter front meant to defame Fred Thompson, but I’ve recently discovered that the conspiracy is much wider and much more disturbing.
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First off, there is at least one Ron Paul supporter coordinating a slander campaign against Fred Thompson. William Beutler at Blog P.I. noted the perp, and checking IMAO comments I found two instance of a “Jim Robinson” talking down Fred Thompson, one here and the other here. Each was under a different IP address, and searching for more comments under those IP addresses I found Ron Paul 2008 here (same post one of the Jim Robinson comments were in) and RepublicanWomenAgainstFredThompson here (which you’ll note I immediately pegged as a Ron Paul stooge, eagle-eyed blogger that I am). As you see, this person is an obvious Ron Paul supporter, but he has posed as a Rudy supporter when trashing Fred Thompson — that’s how weird and twisted this conspiracy is.
This isn’t just one slanderer, though; this is a coordinated campaign. abrown28 of fredheadsusa.org alerted me to how the Fred Thompson Forum being a Ron Paul front is not just an isolated incident. Some checks on whois information shows the same person who owns RonPaulForum.com, owns the MittRomneyForum.com and RudyGiulianiForum.com URLs so he can defame them too if fortunes change for Fred Thompson (interestingly, he didn’t bother to buy JohnMcCainForum.com; I guess getting that would be like buying special insurance in case you’re hit by a meteor — technically it’s possible, what are the odds?). The whois information used to match for the FredThompsonForum.com, but now that information is made private, so you’ll have to trust me on that (interesting how the only person who knows this is me — someone extremely untrustworthy; they planned this conspiracy well). If you look at the Fred Thompson Forum and compare it to the Ron Paul Forum, though, you’ll notice they were set up exactly the same.
There is a big difference between those forums, though. While there are public areas on the Ron Paul forum where they point out polls to spam and curse how they all have cellphones and that’s why Gallup never finds Ron Paul support, they also have some sections hidden to all but registered users.
Sounds like a job for an undercover investigation.
I made a fake ID and attempted access to the hidden areas, but first they interrogated me to make sure I was a real Ron Paul supporter. They asked me three questions which I had to get right to be accepted by them. Luckily, I had done enough Ron Paul research that they didn’t stump me. The questions were:
1. Ron Paul is the what of our day? (Answer: Thomas Jefferson)
2. How do you respond to people mocking Ron Paul and his supporters: (Answer: “First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win.”)
3. Who is the last hope for America? (Answer: Ron Paul)
I was then given access to what they talk about in the private area of their forum, and it’s worse than we all feared…
Continue reading ‘An IMAO Investigative Report: The Vast Ron Paul Conspiracy’ »
Due to my numerous contacts, I’ve received the FAQ the White House is going to soon put out to answer people’s concerns about the immigration bill. It was written with help from the editorial staff at the Wall Street Journal. Here it is:
IMMIGRATION BILL FAQ
Q. I’m concerned that the immigration bill focuses more on giving illegal immigrants amnesty than border protection. Does the President share these concerns?
A. The President doesn’t hate brown people.
Q. This isn’t a racial issue. Many people think this bill will only encourage more illegal immigration and leave our borders open and dangerous. What are the answer to these charges?
A. To answer your underlying question, I’m afraid the the President is against your proposal to commit genocide against Hispanics.
Q. This isn’t about Hispanics! This is about our laws being respected and our national security!
A. Unfortunately, America has had a long history of closed-minded bigots like you who hate all immigrants and want to keep the nation white and pure. To answer what we can only assume will be your next question, no, jackboots aren’t tax deductible, but have fun in your neo-Nazi march anyway.
Q. I’m not against immigrants! Why can’t you people understand there is a difference between legal and illegal immigration?! I’m only objecting to the illegal ones!
A. Calm down. It’s this frothing at the mouth anger that causes your irrational views on immigration. To answer your other concerns, Hispanics actually have excellent hygiene, are not lazy, and aren’t all criminals. Also, there has been no genetic evidence that Hispanics are inferior to the white man. I’d be careful about believing just any pamphlet handed out at your KKK meetings.
Q. With President Bush already having shaky support, do you think it’s wise to label people with legitimate concerns about illegal immigration “racists”?
A. Did anyone ever tell you have many blatantly homosexual tendencies?
Q. That’s it. I’m leaving the Republican Party.
A. And go where? The Green Party? Yeah, you have fun with that you brown-people hating, Nazi homo. Thanks for the questions!
As you know, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a letter to America. What you probably didn’t know is that he has been writing letter to Canada for some time. A Canadian reader recently sent us a copy of the latest and you can see it for the first time exclusively here on IMAO:
Dear Canada,
How has your November been? Mine has been lots of fun. I just wrote America a letter for the first time, and I worked very hard on it. I doubt America will write me back, though, since they are so arrogant. You already know that being so close to them. That must suck. At least you’re not near Israel as they can be even more mean sometimes. They try to bake our children’s blood into matzo which is a lot like a cracker.
I saw this neat documentary about America the other day by this man named Borat who is from Kazakhstan. He and I are very much alike as we are both very concernced with the threat of Jews. Also, I often wrestle men naked when I get mad. I hope Borat will come to Iran and do a film as he should like it much better here than in America. I also saw a film with pirates that was lots of fun. You should make some pirate movies as I would definitely go see them.
Have you tried blogging? I love blogging. Writing whatever you feel like can be very fun. I just wish I could get more visitors to my blog. I hope to one day get the DailyKos to link to me. That’s one of the few blogs out there that really gets me as the people there support me and my great vision for Iran and the Middle East. And I think they’re American. Who would have thunk? I guess not all Americans are bad. Are there any Americans you like? I am just happy that some are not ignorant and know that Iran is a very sophisticated country that should be looked up to as an example to the world.
Today we’re hanging more gay people which should be festive. I know you are against the death penalty, but you must realize that the American government is even worse as they execute many people who aren’t even gay. Also, our death penalty is much less sexist as we also execute many women such as sluts who trick men into raping them. Stoning them to death is just part of the Islamic respect for women, and smart people understand that. We have many less reports of rape than Western nations because of this respect.
A monkey climbed through my window and bit me the other day. That makes me worried about our security. If a monkey can get to me, then surely the offspring of monkeys, the Jews, could get to me as well. I’m afraid they will blow up all our work on nuclear energy. Would you be willing to hide some of our nuclear material if needed? I’d understand if you say no, but it would be really cool of you to do it.
Do you ever feel ignored being next to that big, pushy America? I used to feel ignored because I’m short, but now I’m president. Things will get better for you. Did you know a gorilla only has a two-inch penis? That sort of puts things into perspective.
I’m less worried about America invading us now that they elected the Democrats. The Democrats may even be nice to me as many seem to listen to the DailyKos. I’m much more worried about China since I watched some movies with ninjas in them. I couldn’t get to sleep because all night I thought there was a ninja on the ceiling. If China got angry at me, then there could be a ninja for real. I thought I saw a ninja the other day, but it was just a Sunni woman in a burka. If she tried to flip around and throw sharp things at me, I’m sure her husband would beat her.
Isn’t it mean how many people in America make fun of my name for being long and complex? It’s not like I make fun of their names for being short and overly simple. “Bush” to me seems a lot like a sound you make when you burp. How is that a name? Do you ever get made fun of for your long names like Saskatchewan?
Do you ever get stressed out? When I get stressed out, I like to lead people in a chant of “Death to America” and “Death to Israel.” Of course, that’s only an expressions of our disagreement with their Crusader and Zionist policies and not to be taken literally. Still, if I could get rid of one, I wonder who I would choose? America is the Great Satan, but it’s all the way on the other side of the world. Israel is much closer and those Jews are wily. I guess the decision would be much easier for you, but do not underestimate the Jew threat.
Want to know a secret? Everyone actually hates the Palestinians. They’re a bunch of morons. I hope when we one day push the Jews into the sea the Palestinians don’t actually think we will want to be their friends. If so, I’m going to push them right into the sea with the Jews. I’d stay out of the sea after that if I were you.
People keep saying I’m crazy, but I’m not. Still, all the talk has made me question myself sometimes. The other weekend, I masturbated to some documentaries about the Holocaust. Is that weird? I asked an imam, and he told me it was okay but I should keep it to myself. It’s nice to have imams to ask questions to. Who do you ask questions to when you’re worried about things? New Zealand?
Please write me back soon.
Hugs and Kisses,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
P.S. If you think you see the Twelfth Imam, e-mail me right away. Thanks!
We have just found out that John Kerry has recently testified before Congress about alleged troop stupidity. Here’s part of his statement from the transcript:
I would like to talk, representing all those veterans, and say that several months ago in Detroit, we had an investigation at which over 150 honorably discharged and many very highly decorated veterans testified to stupidity committed in the Middle East, not isolated incidents but misadventures committed on a day-to-day basis with the full awareness of officers at all levels of command.
They told the stories at times they had personally ran with scissors, put on shoes before socks, put on pants before underwear, connected positive to negative between two car batteries and then turned up the power, licked frozen telephone poles, blown their salaries on lottery tickets, drank expired milk, shouted “Shazam!” in fashion reminiscent of Jomer Pyle, set action figures on fire for fun, fed bears, and generally mooned the countryside of Iraq in addition to the normal mooning in war, and the normal and very particular mooning which is done by the applied stupidity of this country.
IMAO has accidentally intercepted an email detailing the plans for the new U.S. Border Fence. Since the email is confidential and important to national security, and since IMAO believes IMAO to be an alcoholic and therefore has no control over our actions, we are printing the confidential email anyway. In the interest of … um … something or other.
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!!
MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!
Reportedly, Ayman al-Zawahiri will soon release a new message. Before, it was unknown whether it would be video, audio, or text, but IMAO can now tell you that it will be a video. Through an anonymous source, we were sent all the pieces of the video that ended up on the cutting room floor. While we are unable to show them to you per our agreement never to scoop Aljazeera, we are able to transcribe parts of the video that were cut.
LINES CUT FROM THE UPCOMING AL-ZAWAHIRI VIDEO
* “Just to prove the pope wrong, we’re never going to use violence again!”
* “Be honest: Does this beard make me look gay?”
* “I was thinking: If we turn the whole world into one Islamic state, then who will we murder for fun?”
* “I regretfully decline your invitation to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.”
* “I find your questions about whether I have a Jewish heritage to be inappropriate.”
* “Okay. Now cut to the next scene with a star wipe.”
* “Osama bin Laden isn’t dead. He’s just resting… and I don’t feel like waking him.”
* “How about you guys just send us a fresh batch of corn muffins and we’ll forget this whole jihad thing.”
* “It’s not the slander of Islam that makes us so mad as much as that Oprah and Gayle just won’t admit that they’re lesbians.”
* “But don’t start putting rumors that Osama and I are an item. In our culture, it’s perfectly normal for guys to spoon each other.”
* “You may laugh at some Islamic beliefs, but I bet you’d have a much more stable culture if you’d just cover your women in Hefty bags like we do.”
* “We will allow for a short moratorium on attacks while we all mourn Steve Irwin.”
* “We better end this here because The View is coming on.”
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!
MUST CREDIT IMAO!
Former President Bill Clinton, while getting angry at Chris Wallace for being a monkey, claimed that he “left a comprehensive anti-terror strategy” for the Bush Administration. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice disputes this. Despite the denial, IMAO has obtained a copy of the plan:
This plan was mentioned in the 9/11 Commission Report, so it’s hard to believe the Bush Administration never heard of it.
IMAO EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT IMAO!
We’ve just obtained a portion of the script to The Path to 9/11 that contains one of the controversial scenes. See for yourself what the hubbub is over:
BILL CLINTON: Hey, Madeline, you think we should do something about this Osama guy?
MADELINE ALBRIGHT: I don’t have time to worry about that; it’s almost bikini season and I need to prepare!
CLINTON: Whatever. You want a hit off my joint?
ALBRIGHT: Is it okay to mix that with cocaine?
CLINTON: I dunno. I need some munchies.
[Clinton looks around the empty burger wrappers and drug paraphernalia that cover the floor of the Oval Office. Eventually, he finds an empty Cheetos bag]
CLINTON: Huh? Sandy! Did you shove all the Cheetos down your pants again?
SANDY BERGER: Maybe.
CLINTON: You’re going to get powdered cheese all over the classified documents in there! If I keep returning that stuff with unusual stains on them, the CIA says they’re going to revoke my clearance!
[Phone rings. Berger answers his cell phone.]
BERGER: Speaking of the devil, the CIA is calling. [listens to the phone for a moment] They say they’ve surrounded the terrorists and want the go ahead order from you.
CLINTON: I don’t want to deal with this now. Let’s pretend we’re not here.
BERGER: [into phone] Dave’s not here, man. [Berger drops the phone] I heard gunshots and it was scary so I hung up.
CLINTON: Good. I know what we should do now.
[Huge orgy begins involving Clinton, Albright, Berger, and many chubby interns.]
If you read the 9/11 Commission Report, all of that’s in there. Seems pretty accurate to me.
The International Astronomical Union is currently working on a final definition of what a planet is so that the debate over whether Pluto is a planet or not will finally end and astronomers can finally tilt their telescopes back at the open bathroom window of their hot next door neighbor.
Thanks to some skillful detective work involving one of our contributors disguising himself as a janitor, IMAO has received a patrial list of the IAU’s list of planets and non-planets… (EDITORS: MARK AS EXLUSIVE TO IMAO)
Earth: Planet
Mars: Planet
Mars (the candy bar): Not A Planet
Planet Hollywood: Not A Planet
Jupiter: Planet
Venus: Planet
Public Enemy’s “Fear Of A Black Planet” album: Not A Planet
Venus Williams: Not A Planet
Pluto: Planet
Animal Planet Channel: Not A Planet
Saturn: Planet
Saturn (the car company): Not A Planet
Mercury: (see Saturn)
The Daily Planet: Not A Planet (or a real newspaper)
Neptune: Planet
EEE-WOO! EEE-WOO!
IMAO EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT IMAO!
It has been announced the Fidel Castro is recovering, and Cuba has released some recent photos of Castro to show that he is alive. Some doubt their authenticity and even suggest the photos were manipulated with photo editing software. To counter this, intrepid IMAO fauxto journalist Cadet Happy present these exclusive images that prove once and for all the Fidel Castro is alive.
Fidel Castro at mass today with an unidentified priest carrying today’s edition of the South Bend Tribune.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)
Fidel Castro at a rally today with an unidentified supporter. He’s talking on his new Blackberry 8600g and carrying today’s edition of the L.A. Times.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)
Fidel Castro with an unidentified foreign official. He’s listening to Christina Aguilera’s hit single “Ain’t No Other Man” on his iPod.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)
Fidel Castro at a parade. It’s clear from his watch that it is today.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)
Fidel Castro comforts a Lebanese woman who lost her home(s) to Israeli bombing. She’s clearly holding up today’s Miami Herald and Fargo Forum.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)
Fidel Castro relaxing as he reads today’s edition of Granma, the Communist Party newspaper.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)
The photo of Disney World being bombed that was issued over the weekend has been revealed to have been manipulated with photo-editing software. We are thus asking all blogs to cease and desist from using the aforementioned photo.
We are sorry for the inconvenience and hope to prevent this from happening again in the future. Preliminary investigations have revealed that I had a blood-alcohol level of 0.12 at the time the photo was posted. Since it’s common for people to photoshop pictures to further anti-Semitic ends when legally drunk, there are no plans to fire myself… despite this being yet another incident in a long series of ethical lapses.
IMAO EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT IMAO!
The Israeli campaign against Hezbollah has gotten out of control, and IMAO is here to show you what the Zionist-controlled media is trying to cover-up. You’ve seen the devestation done to Beirut (here and here), but what you don’t know is that today Israel got so zealous with it bombing of Hezbollah that they overshot Lebanon and hit Orlando, Florida, smack in the center of the Magic Kingdom at Disney World. SarahK and I happened to be there today, and SarahK snapped this photo of me in front of the carnage:
You may wonder how I can remain so calm in the face of a small world becoming even smaller. Well, it’s simple: it’s because of my steely resolve to bring you the truth.
You may also wonder why I waited until now to post this photo. Well, it’s just you have to connect the camera to the computer, upload the photo to the blog, and write the post… and I just wanted to play video games this weekend, ya know? Plus, SarahK kept making me clean. What did she think I got a wife for?
I’ll post more information as I get it… or until the Zionists shut me down.
UPDATE:
Cadet Happy says this picture is a fake and has an animated GIF as “proof”; well, maybe I touched the photo up a bit… but that’s all!
His claims of the “original source photo” is a complete lie, though.
UPDATE 2:
A picture kill has been issued.
