Archive of entries posted on 23rd February 2005

Who the [Creme Brulee] Do I Think I Am? – SarahK

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Frank J said we all have to answer these questions if we want to prove ourselves to be real bloggers. So…
1. Who the [creme brulee] do you think you are?
do i have to capitalize? ok, fine. I’m the lovely and talented SarahK. Sweetest and bestest T-Shirt Babe in the blogosphere, ALIAS freak, blogger.

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Iraq’s To-Do List

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
After 30 years of brutal oppression, the Iraqi people are finally free to build a decent society based on the principles of freedom, liberty, democracy, and nickel-beer nights. It’s a daunting task, and there’s a lot to get done.
Fortunately, the Iraqi government has published this handy to-do list so that everyone can be on the same page during the nation’s reconstruction:

  • Institute “T-shirts for terrorists” program. Turn in a terrorist and a get a free “Nuke the Moon T-shirt”.
  • [subliminal message]T-shirt good! You buy now![/subliminal message]
  • Send “Thank-You” cards to America, Britain, Australia, and Poland.
  • Send “F***-You” cards to France, Germany, and Russia
  • Invite the human-shield hippy dirtbags to hang out by the Iraqi police stations.
  • Invade and conquer Syria and Iran.
  • Wait… that was from America’s to-do list. My bad.
  • Have Saddam appear on TV and issue a formal apology to the Iraqi people by doing the Happy Dance at the end of a rope.
  • Change the name of the country to “Irack”, because that final “q” just looks freaky without a “u” after it.
  • Release a new x-rated video.
  • Oops… that’s Paris Hilton’s list. Nevermind.
  • Revamp Iraqi currency. Replace camel with camel-toe.
  • Be careful Googling that one.
  • Legalize wet burkha contests.
  • Free lap-dances for all Coalition troops!
  • Wait… I promised I wouldn’t make any more lap-dance posts, didn’t I? Scratch that one.
  • Shut down “T-shirts for journalists” program, since America has already bagged its limit.
  • Rename the Tigris & Euphrates rivers the “Mc” and “Donald’s” – if the price is right.
  • Buy more “Nuke the Moon” T-shirts. Did I mention they were 100% preshrunk heavyweight cotton?
  • 20% of net sales revenue, why?
  • More tax cuts and dead terrorists.
  • Yeah, they stole that one from America’s list, but we’ll let it go this time 😉

That’s everything from the official list. If you’ve got more suggestions, leave them in the comments and I’ll pass them along.
…If you buy a Nuke the Moon T-shirt.

RWD’s News Roundup – Wednesday

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Hello, I’m RightWingDuck
Let’s talk about the news and what is going on in this happy little world.
A judge ordered an extension of the stay in the Terry Schiavo Right-To-Die case. He is considering ordering tests to see just how damaged her brain really is. At stake is whether or not they will pull her feeding tube.
A right-to-die case? Calling the Schiavo case “A right-to-die case” is like calling the Scott Peterson trial a ‘domestic dispute’.
The husband, Michael, won a court settlement and said he would use the money to take care of his wife. I guess we misunderstood the phrase “take care of.”
The only thing he’s done with the money is pay for lawyers to let her starve. I’m reminded of that great Simpsons’ line. “I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of options.”
The media insists on calling this woman brain dead, except for her ability to recognize people and smile at her loved ones – she’s a total vegetable.
Not that we see that too much because her parents aren’t allowed to see her, she’s not allowed to have pictures on the wall, or even flowers.
Ironic, if she were at Guantanomo – being starved would be considered cruel.
Hollywood should make a movie about this!!!
Oh, wait, they did. And it’s up for an Oscar.
Michael Schiavo will star in “Sugar Baby II, I Finally Killed My Wife – and Married My Lover”.
Of course, the Oscars are coming up and Hollywood is getting ready to address all of the important social issues — like Bush Bashing!
The LA Weekly is reporting that comedian Chris Rock will be going after Bush. Wow, how original. The report also shows a strong repertoire of Mother-in-Law jokes.
Oh, Hollywood. You kill me! Or you would if I was on a feeding tube!
Okay. Enough about that.
Los Angeles has been devastated by the rainstorms. City officials are seeking to have Los Angeles declared a disaster area.
See, growing up, my mother would always say, “This room is a disaster area!”
I didn’t know you could get money because of it. Man, I wish I could go back!
“This room is a disaster area! Do you know what that means young man?”
“That I qualify for low or no interest federally subsidized loans?”
The rains have flooded freeways everywhere. The other day, Governor Schwarzenegger toured the devastation — in his yacht — the I Hate Girlie Men.
In the Michael Jackson case, the jury selection is now complete. Funny. No black people on the jury: 4 men, 8 women, 7 whites, 4 Hispanics, and 1 Asian.
I forget — is Michael white or Asian?
I have to ask: Is that a good sign from your lawyer?
“No blacks? Why are we doing that?”
“When we lose, Michael– we want to blame racism.”
“What do you mean- WHEN we lose?”
“Did I say when? I meant IF. IF we lose. By the way, can you pay me in advance?”
Michael faces Child Molestation charges Or as the media calls it — A Freedom-of-expression case!!
In lighter news, Miss America has no network sponsor.
AWWWWW.
It seems that they might try their hand at making Miss America into a reality show.
Fake boobs, capped teeth, packaged answers.– yep,your either watching a reality show -or the Oscars.
They already have two sponsors lined up: Duct tape and Vaseline.
I could just see it now: Reality TV rules with Beauty Pageant basics:
“Miss North Carolina, what would you do to promote world peace?”
“What? Screw you, that’s a stupid question. I won the immunity challenge!!”
“Uh, no. That was Miss South Carolina.”
“Really? Oh, I mean, I would make sure all the orphanages had warm milk.”
Jessica Simpson was hospitalized briefly with a stomach virus.
Doctors speculate she may have contracted the virus after listening to her own music.
Just kidding.
I love Jessica Simpson — very pretty lady. She may not be a great singer, but I am looking forward to her duet with William Hung.
Thank you, Jessica. “Take My Breath Away” was one of my favorite songs before she ‘catterwalled’ it – or as they say, gave it a right-to-die.
In Florida, a boy was suspended from school over a rubber band incident. According to the boys mother, a teacher demanded the boy turn over a rubber band, which he had been wearing on his wrist. He disagreed, but tossed the rubber band onto the teacher’s desk.
They said if he would have aimed it a little more and he would have gotten it closer to her face he would have hit her in the eye,” mother Jenette Rojas said.
Does that mean she can sue the school for sexual assault? Sure, all they do is hand out condoms, but if used in the wrong way – you never know what could happen!!
**
I know you’ve heard about this one.. A teacher has apologized for having students send hate mail to GI’s overseas.
Can you imagine that? You’re in South Korea, you get this packet of mail with these cute little crayon drawings and you open the first one–
“Dear Soldier, my name is Billy. I’m six years old. Will you be over there long? I’d like to live to be seven! Don’t come back.”
“Dear Baby Killer. You kill babies. That makes me sad. Do you like apples?”
“What the heck is this?!!”
To make up for it, the class will now be sending letters of apology.
“Oh, look! Apology letters.”
Dear Soldier, I’m sorry you’re a baby killer.
Awww. How sweet. How can you be angry with that? Don’t you just love little kids?
News reports show that that little Aiko, the three year old princess from Japan, could in fact one day become queen.
Well, it wasn’t an official statement, but it came through informal channels.
Her grandma and her grandpa were sitting by the fire.
Her grandpa said to her grandma —
hey now, hey now
It could be Aiko, Aiko one day!!
Jackomo fino anane
Hahahahhahahahahaha.
Sorry. It was funny at three o’clock this morning!!
Patience please.
The Queen of England will not be attending Prince Charles’ wedding.
This made the front page of all the British papers.
Everything has been smoothed over. Turns out, she thought Camilla Parker Bowles was really a man!
She still won’t attend the civil wedding. In her defense, do you know how HARD it is to get that hair appointment with Andre?
Is that how we see weddings?
“I’m sorry to miss it, son. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll catch the next one.”
**
Thanks
As always, I appreciate your time. Please take a moment and list your favorite joke in comments. Remember, I can’t hear you laugh.

RWD – Who The Hell Am I?

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Hello Readers,
RightWingDuck here. Having read Frank J’s answers below, I felt compelled to answer the questions as well. That and he emailed us asking us to answer. Sheesh, you think he owns this blog or somethi– oh, yeah.
THE “WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” BLOGGER QUIZ
1. Who the hell do you think you are?
I am RightWingDuck. Defender of all that is good. Mocker of all that is stupid.
2. So, other than blogging, what’s your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
Here in LA we don’t call it a job, we call it ‘trabajo’. Why? Are you hiring? My goal is to work as a professional dumbass. So, I’m well on the way.
3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
I read the Playboy Women of Journalism issue 33 times. I would have read it more but the pages got stuck together — for some odd reason.
4. Do you even read newspapers?
Do I ‘even read’ them? I use them for bird cage liners, for paper hats, and for making Pinatas. Whacking piñatas is like whacking liberals except that you get candy instead of all this red goo.
5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
Fox told me you would ask that. Boy is there anything those newsbabes don’t know? I live in Los Angeles — I prefer to watch the shows that have the biggest boobs. So yes, that means I watch Dan Rather.
6. I bet you’re some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
My radio is stuck on the traffic channel you five lane pile-up. D’oh. See, what happens when you buy a stereo made in the Ukraine?
7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
I don’t know what to say to that. My fax is broken. Can I answer that once my GOP talking points memo arrives?
8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
We don’t MEAN to silence them. That’s just what happens when we ask them to offer facts instead of accusations. The silence is deafening. The joy – never ending.
9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
I love other countries. I’m hoping we can collect the whole set.
10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
This is Los Angeles. I’ve been to Koreatown, Japantown, Chinatown.. we have it all here. Not to mention Pizza Hut, Jacques in the Box, and my favorite Irish place, McDonalds.
11. If you’re so keen on the war, why haven’t you signed up, chickenhawk?
Four years United States Army — hooowah.I knew a chicken hawk once; he kept bringing Foghorn Leghorn over for dinner.
BTW, if you believe in the Insurgents so much why don’t you join them? – I believe they are accepting applications. What size suicide vest do you wear?
12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face?
Funny, they just announced that they are no longer identifying bodies from the 9/11 tower’s collapse. Most relatives would have been happy to have some ‘goo’ to bury.
But to answer the question directly, my best friend in the Army had the worst acne. His face was a huge pile of goo all the time. One time, he was accidentally shot on the range, and his complexion cleared up. Mostly because he died. Those funeral guys did a great job.
13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
Are we still talking about whether or not I read newspapers?
14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!
I am RightWingDuck. Defender of the downtrodden, fighter against all that is stupid. Would you like fries with that?

Who the Hell Do I Think I Am – Frank J.

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Answers to my questions.
1. Who the hell do you think you are?
I am the great Frank J., master of all I see!
2. So, other than blogging, what’s your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
I’m an engineer. I make electricity do happy things.
3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
I wrote editorials for my college newspaper which were rated from “crappy” to “not quite as crappy.”
4. Do you even read newspapers?
Can’t risk getting ink smudged on my fingers and clothes.
5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
No. The people on other news networks are ugly and smell.
6. I bet you’re some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
I get all my opinions from Rush Limbaugh. I’m also hooked on Oxycotin.
7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
I never figured out how to set up my home printer as a fax.
8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
I don’t want them fired; I want them DEAD!
9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
I own a passport I stole from a French tourist.
10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
I’ve been to Canada, but it felt weird there and I didn’t like it. I kissed the soil when I crossed the border back to the good ‘ole U.S. of A.
11. If you’re so keen on the war, why haven’t you signed up, chickenhawk?
’cause I don’t wanna.
12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face?
I don’t have any friends.
13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
I once reached into a container filled with a non-conductive liquid used for cooling super-computers. It felt weird.
I still fantasize about it to this day.
14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!
I am Frank J., master of humor and the blogosphere. Cross me and pay dearly!

Who the Hell Do You Think You Bloggers Are?

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The mainstream media is pretty convinced we bloggers are an unruly, vicious sort. Why, as spacemonkey pointed out, even Ted Rall is questioning whether we’re informed enough to have opinions of our own. And, when a piss-poor cartoonist is questioning your qualification to have opinions on political matters, you know you’re in trouble.
I think it’s time for all us bloggers to prove whether we really are qualified to have opinions. That’s why I made…

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Congratulations – You Pissed Me Off

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A few things are making me mad, so I thought I’d sound off:
* Pick on Someone Your Own Size: Sixth-graders in Brooklyn wrote a soldier in Korea a number of letters of hate-filled screeds. Who knows if they wrote these on their own or were coached by their teacher or parents (well, I guess someone could “ask” or “investigate,” but what do you expect?). Anyway, I have a solution. Our troops should organize all the good sixth-graders they know to converge on those Brooklyn sixth-graders and give them a free lesson in “civics.”
“You got a message for our soldiers? Well, I got a message for you RIGHT HERE ON THIS BAT!”
* If You’re Going to Kill Someone, Then Kill Someone: I dunno if you know about the Terry Schiavo case; it’s of course big news here in Florida (the local rock station was spending the morning talking about it instead of jokes about smoking weed). There is a link in the Links of the Day™ a few posts down, but lemme sum it up for you. Terry Schiavo is brain-dead or comatose or something (it really doesn’t matter for the point I’m making) and her husband wants to cut off her life-support while her parents want her to continue living. Now, the husband, despite the efforts of the parents and governor Jeb, has almost finally secured the rights to kill Schiavo. So here is what he plans to do; cut off her feeding tube so she starves and dehydrates to death.
What the @#$%?
You wouldn’t even starve a dog to death, so why is it considered humane to do it to a human? If Michael Schiavo is willing to take an action – cutting off her life support – to kill her, why doesn’t he really just be a man and @#$% kill her. Take her out back the hospital and put a bullet in her head, for God’s sake. I know I’d rather have my brains blown out than starve and dehydrate to death (you try either, though, it’s you going down!).
* Who Is More Foolish: the Fool, or the Fool Who Follows Him?: Rep. Maurice Hinchey is a freak’n ‘tard. He should be wearing a tinfoil hat and posting on Democratic Underground, not voting in Congress. He lays out this conspiracy theory that Karl Rove gave the fake documents in Rathergate to make CBS News look (more) like idiots, but admits he has no proof. It’s just his “belief.” And he thinks these charges with no evidence behind them are so important they need investigating.
Is this guy even dumber than Cynthia McKinney?
But this is a Republic, so the real blame lies on those who vote for that idiot. I say that, after our roving band of sixth-graders are done “educating” the kids in Brooklyn, they should head on over to Hinchey’s district and do some more “teaching.”
“You like voting for Hinchey, huh? Well, let’s see how you vote for him next time WHEN YOU AIN’T GOT NO KNEECAPS!”
Is there anything a roving band of violent sixth-graders can’t solve?
…I mean other than an algebra problem.

Totally True Tidbits About Belgium

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President Bush finished up his trip to Belgium, where he spent the last several days doing the diplomatic equivalent of Frank J’s Happy Dance and making the Europeans look like the terrorist-coddling schmucks that they are.
Sadly, though, in a recent survey of American adults, 90% of respondents could NOT find Belgium on a map of Europe (50% selected France, and 40% chose Rand-McNally).
Even worse, when asked “What is Belgium?”, 75% picked “The University of Wisconsin – Madison football team“.
Here at IMAO, we believe that the only way to fight such appalling ignorance is with MORE appalling ignorance, and thus present these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT BELGIUM

  • Belgium is a small European country whose main exports include chocolate, waffles, and socialism.
  • Belgium is one of the oldest countries in Europe, richly steeped in culture and tradition which has hardly changed from its quaint, 14th century beginnings. Mostly because all the innovators left for America centuries ago, leaving nothing behind but “short bus” people.
  • Not all Belgians are socialists, but all socialists are Belgians.
  • Wait… I was thinking of rectangles and squares. Nevermind.
    #5 The official language of Belgium is German, which was adopted in 1939 on the theory that it’s always best to embrace the inevitable.
  • On a related note, no one in Belgium has ever bothered to learn French.
  • But you Belgiuminians might want to start learning English (see tidbit #5)
  • Get some oil for us to steal, first, though.
  • Heh. I said “first”.
  • The capital of Belgium is Brussels, which was named after the brussel sprout because – like the vegetable – the city is disgusting and smells like urine.
  • Belgium covers approximately 30,000 square miles – about the size of Michael Moore’s breakfast spread.
    *Belgians are normally friendly, good-natured creatures, but have been known to savagely attack humans if provoked by, for example, making sudden movements or invading Iraq.
  • The headquarters of the European Union is in Brussels because socialists are disgusting and enjoy the smell of urine.
  • The national pasttime of Belgium is “Commie-Ball”, a game where each team tries to steal the other team’s equipment and re-distribute it to the spectators.
  • In America, this game is known as “Congress-Ball”.
  • In Texas, they play a version called “Get-Offa-My-Land-Afore-I-Blows-Yer-Head-Off-Ball”
  • Here in Wisconsin, we just drink beer & eat cheese, but we’d watch Commie-Ball if one of the players were named Favre.
  • Despite being traitorous, back-stabbing terrorist-coddlers, Belgium is NOT part of the Axis of Weasels. However it may get tapped to fill the opening once we nuke France.
  • Oh yeah, Froggie, you’re on the list.

I hope you found that as enlightening as I did. I didn’t know HALF this stuff until I just now made it up. If you have any appalling ignorance you’d like to add, please feel free to do so in the comments.
IMAO – Fighting ignorance, one fact(ish) at a time.