Davids Medienkritik organized a rally in support of the America-Germany relationship.
Cathy Seipp has humble opinions on why the blogosphere is more male than female. i personally think it’s because we women agree that nagging just doesn’t come across as well in cyberspace. right, Frank?
my all-time favorite Calvin & Hobbes cartoon is the one where Calvin is really concentrating hard on trying to blow his nose; he says, “i hate it when my boogers freeze.” that makes me giggle to this day. anyway, Kevin of Eckernet has a link to the Calvin & Hobbes archives. first ronin to find the one i described… uh… gets to read it first.
finally, Pauly D outlines reason #474747 why i will never ever no never live in California.
Archive of entries posted on 24th February 2005
ignis fatuous
RWD’s News Round Up – Thursday
Hello Everyone,
I’m RightWingDuck with today’s news roundup.
President Bush has just finished his trip meeting with foreign leaders.
Not the way John Kerry meets with foreign leaders; these people weren’t imaginary.
The president met with European Union leaders asking them not to sell weapons to China.
Jacques Chirac smirked, “What harm could they possibly do with such a small purchase of Taiwan Busters?”
Meeting with Vladimir Putin, they agreed that Iran shouldn’t develop nuclear weapons. No mention of the word PURCHASE! But it’s a step in the right direction.
Vladimir said that Russia would do Democracy their way. A new Democracy, where each gives according to his abilities, and all receive according to their needs.
A Virginia man has been charged in a plot to assassinate President Bush.
The young man is a Valedictorian graduate from a Saudi School here in the United States.
Are we surprised by this?
It was probably on his college application!!
“You have a very impressive application.”
“Yes, my goal is to assassinate President Bush.”
“Very impressive. Can we help you with anything? Scholarship? Transportation? Bullets?”
“No, I just need to a different job.”
(Picking up the phone) That much hatred for Bush – I know just the person to hire you- Hello, Eason?”
President Bush insisted there was nothing to worry about. As a gesture of goodwill, he even signed the young mans book, “How to Assassinate The President — for dummies.”
I think it’s important that we take our security seriously.
We should start by renaming stuff.
Representative Charles Rangel Tuesday that it was an act of discrimination to label groups like Hezbollah “Islamic terrorists.”
Here’s my favorite part– “When we had the Ku Klux Klan we didn’t call them Baptist terrorists. When Hitler was killing Jews, we didn’t call it Christian terrorists.”
I love it! Hitler was a Christian? I guess it’s all relative..
I mean, somewhere in America there’s a 900 pound man that looks at Michael Moore and says, “How does Michael keep such a trim figure?”
I can understand how ultra-liberals could confuse Hitler with a Christian. Sure, he murdered 6 million Jews, but he buried the bodies. “What a Christian”, they say.
When they pull the feeding tube on Terri Schiavo, and let her starve, I’m sure they’ll roll her carcass onto the street for street cleaning day.
I’m sure Rangel would admire this Christian act.
BTW, we still have the KKK, and we don’t call them Baptists — we call them Senator.
Time is running out for Terri Schiavo.
You know, I actually thought of a great solution!
Maybe the best answer is to accuse her of a crime and then have her arrested.
Sounds cruel, I know. But at least this way, she might get some healthcare — and at least a minimal amount of therapy — how else could she answer the charges?
Now, the ‘victim’ would have to be a black person. This way we’d have Al Sharpton there saying that a black person’s rights were violated by this woman pretending to be vega-tose. He’d be careful not to call her a Vegatose Christian.
Hurray, maybe finally there would be a liberal organization that gave a crap!!
Oh, man. I’m doing it again.
Think about puppies. Think about puppies.
In India, two little boys and two girls were each married off — not to each other — but to puppies. It was a special ceremony to ward off evil.
They were all happy with their puppies except for one boy who cried because – “My puppy is coyote ugly.”
Besides, how often do you hear a toddler ask, “How did I get stuck with this bitch?”
According to the Daily News of Pakistan, “neighbors and relatives of the four children danced to music performed by the band before the marriages were solemnized with puppies of the opposite sex.”
What song do you play for something like this? “Who let the dogs out?”
“I need to ward off evil. How much is that puppy in the window?”
Reports are showing that a chemical found in rocket fuel is being detected in breast milk.
Yes, it is being found in quantities that are not considered safe.
Evidently, they had always suspected something was wrong.
“Sweetheart, do you have to go potty?”
“Yes, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. ooops. Blasting off!”
Of course there were other hints as well.
“Is everything coming out okay?”
“Uh, Houston, we have a problem.”
This is wild. We have a chemical from rocket fuel in a mother’s breast milk!!
Authorities are stressing that this doesn’t mean that a mother should automatically turn to baby formula. Yep, that’s right. Baby formula normally has too much diesel!
Wild, huh? Hopefully we can get those rocket fuel chemicals down to a healthy level. Man, you never know what can get you sick.
Careful out there. There is a new cell phone virus going around.
If you have a phone with BlueTooth wireless technology, you can get it if you walk within 100 feet of an infected phone. Basically, the virus puts weird messages on your screen.
Be careful, if you get the virus twice, you end up with pictures of Paris Hilton.
Authorities are worried. They’re concerned that the virus might mutate and affect the population of IPODS!
Well, why isn’t congress doing something? We need Nationalized Phone Healthcare!
**
Folks, I have a special request. My time schedule doesn’t allow for to much web surfing. So- it’s IMAO reader involvement time. If you read a newsblurb out there that might interest people – pass it on to me. It doesn’t have to be funny to be newsworthy. Anything can be made funny. If you’re a blogger, make sure you include your blog address for proper linkage.
You can reach me at rightwingduckatyahoocom. Include the word “Roundup” in the subject line.
As always, please post your favorite joke in comments. I’ll try to tone it down, hopefully with other news stories I can get away from being too political.
The Next Way To Space
Warning!!!! (Mostly) Non-Political Humor Ahead.
What will be the next way to space?
Rockets? We’re using those now so ‘next’ doesn’t exactly apply. But since I brought them up, they are too expensive and too dangerous. And they are inconvenient, you have to endure all those gut-wrenching G forces,
“Hello lunch. Its… been a while.”
Then there’s the [sigh] fire. All these years have passed and humans are still using FIRE to get to space? Fire is something you yell for fun in a crowded theater, its not for exploring the final frontier.
Space Elevator? Electric, better than fire. But listening to elevator music for over 6 hours is enough to make just about anybody completely Dean out.
“Hmmm, was that the 23rd or the 24th time I’ve heard ‘New York, New York?”
“Do I care?”
“Why do I keep asking myself questions?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ack! Now I’m answering!”
duh duh dada dada DUH – Start spreading….the news…..-
“Yeaarrrrgh!”
And everybody dies.
And can you imagine standing, waiting, watching the floor indicator for that long either? No amount of small talk can fill a 6 hour elevator ride.
“Nice weather we’re having.”
“Yeah.”
“I wonder if the weather will be nice up at the space station.”
“Umm, There’s no weather in space.”
“But what about solar flares and coronal mass ejections?”
“Listen PSYCHO, I’ve got MACE and you are FOUR hours from a drinking fountain. Back off and keep any…mass ejections… to yourself!”
And somebody dies.
People go insane having to wait like that. For many of us, in an enclosed room, insane arrives in MUCH less than six hours. So the unbuilt, scary, space elevator is out.
The next way to space and you heard it here first or possibly elsewhere, is the….
Aquaman’s Safety Tips – Car Accidents
Frank J. in “The Accident”
So, yesterday on my way back from working, I was going ninety through a school zone when suddenly, out of whimsy, I slammed on the brakes and stopped in the middle of an intersection after running a red light.
That was my mistake.
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o’ the Day
this is from the original I-Wanna-Be-a-T-Shirt-Babe photo shoot, and by this point, i was stinkin’ tired and had been through many wardrobe changes…
Who the Hell They Are
If you want to know who the hell all these “blogger” people think they are, here is your one stop shop. I posted my questions yesterday (and some people answered in the comments; hello! Is following instructions no longer cool?), and here are the answers I received. If you think I missed you, e-mail the link to your answer.
Now your job is to read through these and decide who has the right to have opinions about news and journalism.
One Week of Group Blogging
Sorry to be late posting; was in a car accident last night. I’m fine though (they have plenty of new livers for those who need them, right?). I’ll put up the details soon.
Anyhoo, today marks one week of being a group blog. Last Thursday, Site Meter had our daily average of unique visitors for the previous week was about 6,200. Today, it is 9,722. That’s a 157% increase an increase of multiplying by 1.57 a 57% increase! That proves beyond any doubt that IMAO becoming a group blog was the best idea in the history of the universe.
Some work still needs to be done. The sidebar needs to be fixed up to be less Frank-centric plus give you information on the other bloggers so you can bother them. Also, I need to get trackbacks fixed so it stops looking like no one loves us. I’m also thinking we should use the “Read More” option more so it’s easier to see all the new posts in one day.
Anyhoo, I’ll be putting up links to different bloggers answering my questions later today. Be honorable, ronin.
Who the Hell Do I Think I Am – Harvey
Answers to Frank’s questions.
1. Who the hell do you think you are?
I am Arthur! King of the Britons!… at least until my meds kick in.
2. So, other than blogging, what’s your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
I work at a bank where I make sure that women and minorities don’t borrow our precious money. And if I worked at a fast food joint, I’d dry my armpits with your napkins and spit in your fries. But only if your name were Ted Rall.
3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
I used to deliver newspapers. Cheered up a few lonely housewives while I was doing it, too. I think one was Ted Rall’s mom.
4. Do you even read newspapers?
I don’t, but my parrot does. If by “read”, you mean “crap on”.
5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
Does the Playboy Channel count?
6. I bet you’re some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
“Moron Talk Radio”? OH! Air America! Yeah, I listen to that on occasion. Say, does Al Franken’s little sidekick Katherine Lanpher remind anyone else of Salcious Crumb, with her constant shrieks of sycophantic laughter? “EEEE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE! Al make funny!”
7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
My parrot reads newspapers, not faxes. See item #4
8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
Because they interrupt me while I’m watching the Playboy Channel.
9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
I know a LOT about Belgium, and my passport was a 90,000 ton aircraft carrier.
10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
Yes. Mostly to support the local international fornication establishments, but still, yes.
11. If you’re so keen on the war, why haven’t you signed up, chickenhawk?
Been there. Done that. Got the National Defense Service Medal.
12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face?
Sorry, I was a Sailor, so I didn’t see many goo-piles. However I did once reach into a shark’s mouth to retrieve the leg he’d just bitten off of me. Then I beat him to death with it. Teach HIM to interrupt my Playboy Channel watching.
13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
Yes. See item #10.
14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!
I’m strong to the finish
‘cuz I eats me spinach
Don’t F*** with the sailor man!
TOOT! TOOT!
Fun Trivia
Who were the winners of the recently posted all-leftist 2004 Koufax Awards?