Welcome readers to IMAO!
I’m RightWingDuck with today’s monologue on the world and what’s happening.
Before I begin, I’d like to offer an apology to IMAO readers.
Last week, I made a comparison of the National Hockey League to the Democratic National Committee. This was inappropriate and I’m sorry if people were offended by this unfair comparison.
One is an organization filled with gap toothed goons who whack each other in the head when their backs are turned — the other is a professional sports league.
The good news is that so far, not a single Democrat has blamed the NHL cancellation on global warming.
Again, my apologies, I just haven’t been myself lately with all this rain!!!!
Here in Southern California we have had a record amount of rainfall.
It’s so wet — if it keeps up at this pace my wife and I might relocate to someplace warm and dry — like Seattle.
Authorities here rushed to the Los Angeles River to investigate reports that some unknown substance had been spotted. Turns out it was just WATER! (Sorry, that’s an LA joke — funny mostly to locals)
The top news story today –it was revealed that author Doug Wead secretly taped George Bush during an interview for his book. On the tape Dubya states, “Do you want your little kid, to say, ‘Hey daddy, President Bush tried marijuana; I think I will?'” said Bush on the tapes. “That’s the message we’ve been sending out. I wouldn’t answer the marijuana question.”
Folks, I believe we have found the real reason that schools nationwide are canceling their spelling bees. Bush is making education seem unnecessary.
“Son, you won’t succeed in life without good spelling!”
“Not true, dad, you’re always misunderestimating me.”
I’m concerned about this news report, of course. I hope this doesn’t affect his chance at reelection!
Bwu-ha-ha-ha. Bwuhahahahahahaha. Oh, sorry
Today was President’s Day!
Hopefully, some of you celebrated with a day off, a nice family gathering, and a trip to see your local Pride Parade.
An organization came out today insisting Lincoln was not gay, as a soon-to-be-released book alleges..
The organization protesting this accusation is made up of descendants of Lincoln’s closest friends: A construction worker, an Indian chief, a police man, and a biker dressed in leather chaps.
CIA Chief Porter Goss announced the other day that Al Queda just might sneak across the Mexican border.
Might?
That’s like saying that Paris Hilton might like being in front of the camera.
Paris Hilton had her cell phone hacked and a complete list of all her celebrity friends and their phone numbers was published for the entire world to be able to call.
Police report that some of her friends have received as many as sixteen phone calls.
So the question has to be asked — what made these celebrities think that Paris can keep anything private?
Anyway, the Bush team took a close look at the Porter Goss statements and then came out with a memo emphasizing the need to add private accounts to Social Security.
So the big question is this; Are these smuggled Al Queda taking jobs from honest American terrorists?
Man, I’m so glad we have a border patrol.
On a personal note, I used to worry that terrorists would smuggle a nuclear warhead and detonate it in Los Angeles. Then I realized — this is where all of their allies live and work. Hollywood is like the Al Queda Green Zone.
But I do worry about the rest of you.
George Bush is embarking on a trip to meet with our allies. He wants to mend fences and convince countries to help us rebuild Iraq. He’ll be meeting with France very soon. If all goes well, they’ll sign on to help us restore order.
No really. Stop laughing. In actuality, it’s really a good idea.
The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents.
We’d have them licked in no time.
Philadelphia has announced its plans to create one of the country’s largest Wi-Fi spots.
This will provide a tremendous amount of convenience. If you wanted to protest homosexuality you could protest, pray, and get arrested — all from the comfort of your own home.
Man, this could really help Philadelphia move into the twentieth century.
Great slogan idea: “Philly: the City of Brotherly love — no not you.”
A teacher is in trouble for teaching his students how to make bombs.
When told of this news Ted Kennedy was livid. Are our tax dollars paying for this Madrasa?
What’s education coming to?
As Mary Kay Latourneau would say, “Make love, not war.”
Of course, the teacher is in trouble. A shame too, his next idea showed so much promise – a METH lab!
A woman sold her pregnant belly for use as ad space to the highest Ebay bidder.
True, the woman is pregnant and sold her belly space for the highest bidder to use as advertising.
I wonder if that kind of advertising works at all.
“Quick, Doctor. I need help. My wife is in labor”
“Just one minute, I have this sudden urge for a Pepsi!”
“D’oh. Darn advertisement.”
So this is a growing trend.
One day, a guy will drop his pants to moon the crowd — and he’ll be ticketed – for spam!
A bit of controversy though. She decided to sell her space to the second place bidder. The winner says they may now sue. They mean it too. They got the name of a good lawyer from a guy’s forehead.
You know what would have been great? A tourist ad!
“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas- most of the time.”
New York has dropped the moniker — the Big Apple.
Now the new slogan is “The World’s Second Home.”
Today John Kerry commented, “Not a bad second home, but it’s a bit cramped.”
I liked the other proposed slogans:

“Come home again and get mugged all over.”
“Every 12th visitor gets a contract with the Yankees.”
“Just like home, but with hookers on your sofa.”
Former ball player, Mike Greenwell of the Boston Red Sox came in second in the 1988 MVP race. He says that he deserves to have the MVP because he played clean that year.
No offense to Mr. Green, but that’s ancient history. Besides, how do you track advantages and disadvantages?
“Sure he hit 38 home runs, but 10 of were off pitchers that were hung over!”
I don’t know about this.
If you find out the Playmate of the Month has breast implants — does Playboy owe you a refund?
Or does it owe you a refund if you find out she doesn’t?
That would change the way young men look at magazines.
“Wow, she’s hot. What’s that on her breast?”
“I don’t know, dude. But I need a Pepsi.”
**
That’s it folks. Have a good evening.
One last request. I’m sure at least ONE of these jokes made you chuckle. Please post your favorite one in comments. Remember, I can’t hear you laugh.