I have to apologize, I realized (after SarahK spit in my dinner) that I was a bit harsh with my post yesterday. Christianity is important to me, and I got overtaken in my passion and became too dismissive of beliefs I don’t happen to share. The word “asinine” was particularly inappropriate. I have my own views that I have formed through my own thinking, but I shouldn’t be so arrogant as to act like my own opinions are scripture or I risk wandering off the reservation. I should read with an open mind – for I have much to learn – balanced by my skepticism. Thus, I will follow the example of Jesus – who apologized every time he was wrong – and say I’m sorry for my tone yesterday.
That said, today’s secret word is “begot.” Remember to scream real loud whenever you see it.
Moses really could have used an editor. There is a whole chapter devoted to “this guy had these sons, and those sons had these sons.” Sorry, but my eyes just glaze over at those parts. Only thing notable is some of the names. Gomer, Tubal, Cush, Put, Lud, Uz, and Hul. Why don’t we see these names in more baby books?
“Dude, where’d you get a cool gangsta nickname like Tubal?”
“Actually, it’s my given Christian name; it’s biblical, you know. Anyway, let’s get back to busting caps in people’s asses.”
Then, of course, there is Nimrod, son, of Cush, son of Ham who done saw his dad neckid. Gen. 10:9 –

He was a mighty hunter before the LORD; therefore it is said, “Like Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD.”

Funny, don’t they say today, “Like Nimrod, the idiot.” Maybe I’m missing something.
About this chapter I notice an item of concern: No woman has been mentioned by name since Eve, and she was only worth mentioning because she screwed up paradise. The next woman to be named is Sarai at the end of Chapter 11, noted for being barren. That’s pretty phaleocentric… or something.
Just thought I’d put that out there.
Anyway, onto the tower of Babel and confusion… and I mean my confusion. Now, as a kid, I thought the story was that God punished man’s hubris of trying to build a tower to reach Heaven by making them all speak funny, but the language in this Bible translation doesn’t make that so clear.
So, everyone speaks one language at this point, and they’re like, “Let’s get together and build a tower.” Sounds logical so far. So then read this (Gen. 11:6-7):

And the LORD said, “Indeed the people are one and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them. Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech.”

Couple of questions here. Since many Bibles put Jesus’s words in red, why doesn’t God speaking get any special treatment? Shouldn’t He be in like giant font in bold?
And what is God’s reasoning here? Is He saying that these people have too much ability and He’s decided to mess things up, like someone who got bored with an ant farm and decides to shake it like an Etch-a-Sketch?
And who is this “Us”? Is that a divine Us, or he is like speaking to his mafia-like angels?
“We’re going to go down there and smack these people around ’till they don’t even know their own language no more.”
So everyone gets their languages messed up and God scatters them good. That leaves a few more questions, such as what was the one original language? Esperanto?
And what were the heinous crimes of those made to speak French? Did they see both their father and mother neckid?
Well, the Babel story is followed by more begattery which I’m just getting plain tired of. We learn that people are now living only like two hundred to four hundred years instead of nine hundred – which I guess is of interest. Anyway, we finally get from Shem to Abram and his wife, the aforementioned Sarai, and their wacky adventures.
So God tells Abram to get a moving since He’ll lead him to a land in which he’ll form a great nation. Thus, people understanding its a good idea to do what God tells you in this time, Abram heads off with Sarai and his nephew Lot. Soon, they get to Egypt and Abram says to Sarai, “Damn, woman, you fine! But let’s just say I’m your brother so no one kills me to steal you away.”
Wuss.
And what’s he so worried about? They’re only a few generations down from Noah; shouldn’t all these people still be meeting together at family reunions?
Anyhoo, in a plot right out of a sitcom, the Pharaoh tries to put the moves on Sarai and then gets plagued by God. Then the Pharaoh finds out the reason he is getting plagued is because Sarai is actually Abram’s wife and it ends with them all having a laugh over the wacky misunderstanding… or something.
And who’s the Pharaoh? I spent five hours reading about 80 billion different sons, so why not tell me who the Pharaoh is and who he’s related to? Or did I miss that when my eyes glazed over?
Moving on, Abram is pretty rich in livestock and what not, and so is Lot. They’re running our of grazing room, so Abram tries to settle things by saying Lot pick one way and he’ll go the other way. Lot, being a ripe bastard, picks the well-watered areas towards Sodom and Gomorrah (which the Book tells us are going to be destroyed – totally ruining the surprise).
So Abram head into Cannan, and the Lord promises all the land to him, and Abram builds an altar (as he seems to like doing that). The wording was interesting (Gen. 13:14-17):

And the LORD said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him: “Lift your eyes now and look from the place where you are northward, southward, eastward, and westward; for all the land which you see I give to you and your descendants forever. And I will make your descendants as the dust of the earth; so that if a man could number the dust of the earth, then your descendants also could be numbered. Arise, walk in the land through its length and its width, for I give it to you.”

I’m making a jump here, but, going by this text, if we could number the dust on the earth, could we then figure how many people had to live before Armageddon occurs?
Then again, it’ll be just like the hanging chad thing as we get into argument about what technically is dust or not.
So what’s the moral of these four chapters?
No frick’n clue. Maybe it’s don’t build large towers. Actually, the whole Babel idea seemed pretty bad as they were just using bricks and didn’t have any steel supports. Come to think of it, if God hadn’t scattered those people, it would have fallen and hurt someone and there would be lawsuits until the Israelis reached the Promised Land.
Well, we’ll continue our adventure through the Old Testament later. Hopefully I’m past all the begetting, and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah are coming up which should be fun. See you then, thumpers.