As Frank J. briefly mentioned, Australia was actually Britain’s first attempt at a penal colony. What he didn’t mention was that they stopped using it once they discovered that it was a lot cheaper to ship people off to Ireland and just steal their potatoes until they got so depressed that they emigrated to America and became crooked cops. Frank also forgot to mention these other:

• Australia is sometimes referred to as the “island continent”. This is not exactly true, as it is actually connected to Asia by a series of underwater tunnels constructed by Aquaman prior to starting his so-called crime-fighting “career”.
• Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.
• Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.
• The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.
• Australia is known for its vast, wooly herds of opals.
• It’s also known for its many sheep mining operations.
• The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.
• Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.
• The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an “Air America” broadcast day.
• The Prime Minister of Australia is John Howard, and not, as most Americans assume, Steve Irwin. The confusion IS understandable, since Howard keeps a pair of crocodiles chained to the throne of terrorist skulls upon which he sits.
• Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.
• Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn’t be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair, and more cream filling.
• Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don’t make any sudden moves – just give him your wallet and hope he doesn’t hurt you.
• Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don’t own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.
• A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.
• Ayers’ Rock is an incredibly huge rock that… well… it… um… that is… er… uh… anyway, it’s really big, so don’t make it angry.
• But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they’ll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!

Completely off-topic, does anyone know how to extract a giant can of beer from your sinus cavity?

In honor of today (August 6th) being the 60th anniversary of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, I thought I’d celebrate by posting some completely useless – and probably untrue – bits of trivia about the delightful element that makes pretty mushroom clouds possible. So here are some:

Natural uranium ore isn’t concentrated enough to use in weapons, and must first be enriched – usually by stealing from minorities and the working poor.
The original motto of the United States was “E Pluribus Uranium”, a Latin phrase meaning, “We will nuke you many times”.
Uranium was discovered by French scientists Pierre and Marie Curie in 1898, who immediately surrendered in the face of its radioactive might.
John Bolton’s moustache is made of uranium – just another reason to FEAR THE STACHE!
Saddam Hussein’s moustache is NOT made of uranium – reports by Joe Wilson to the contrary notwithstanding.
Uranium is highly unstable and will decay rapidly if it doesn’t brush its teeth twice daily.
Since 1945, uranium has consistently voted Republican to avoid being drafted to fight in another foreign war.
Due to its unique atomic structure, uranium possesses the power of flight when placed at the tip of a missile.
Using complex laboratory procedures, uranium can be taught to obey simple commands like “speak” and “roll over”.
The word “uranium” comes from the Japanese word “Yu-hae-te-wum” which means “BOOM!”
Although poisonous in large doses, small amounts of uranium are actually nutritious, and can be found in such popular cereals as “Count Atomica” and “Nuke-lee-O’s”
The chemical symbol for uranium is “U”, which may explain why Joe Wilson was recently spotted sneaking around the set of Sesame Street.
“Uranium” is the only word in the English language which – if used in a Google Images search – will NOT return pictures of naked women.
“SarahK” won’t either, but that’s not technically a word.
Admit it. You just Google Image searched “SarahK” to see if I was right, didn’t you?
You are SO going to hell for that.
In a battle between Aquaman and uranium, Aquaman would explode like a hamster in a microwave.
If uranium bites you, you will develop super powers. Use these only for good, lest you explode like Aquaman.
Despite uranium being hunted to near extinction, PeTA refuses to fight for uranium protection legislation.
This may be because uranium is bright and shiny instead of cute and furry, but this doesn’t explain why PeTA annually slaughters thousands of innocent dogs.
Unless Glenn Reynolds secretly works for PeTA…
Contrary to popular myth, President Bush does NOT pronounce the word “uranium” as “u-nar-i-um”.

HAPPY BOOM DAY, EVERYONE!

George W. Bush is visiting Europe & Russia this week as part of the “See? I Told You So!” Victory Tour, although the official excuse is to mark the 60th anniversary of VE Day (or “Don’t Make Us Come Over There Again Day”, as it’s known in the US). Naturally, Bush’s visit caused thousands of smelly Euro-hippies to take to the streets in The Netherlands.
No, I’ve never heard of that country either.
So I did some Googling so I could present (in the extended entry) these:

Continue reading ‘Totally True Tidbits About The Netherlands’ »

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
A couple weeks ago, a man spit tobacco juice at Jane Fonda during a book signing. As you can imagine, I was quite upset about this, because that’s really no way to treat tobacco juice.
So I was thinking… what would I like to see happen at a Jane Fonda book signing that’s not quite so abusive towards spit? Since Jane made a name for herself by lying about Vietnam veterans, maybe I should go to her next book signing and sell a book containing:

• Jane Fonda is the daughter of famous actor Henry Fonda, who is best known for his role in not giving Jane enough spankings as a child.
• Despite the similarity of the name, Jane Fonda is not a tasty cheese sauce for dipping pieces of bread in.
• Like the beaver, Jane Fonda must constantly gnaw down trees, lest her front teeth grow too long and puncture her lower jaw.
• There are no other beaver-related tidbits about Jane Fonda
• Don’t even go there.
• Although the word “traitor” is often tossed around lightly when talking about anti-war protestors, in Jane Fonda’s case, it should be hurled with great force after being written on a rock.
• In a battle between Aquaman and Jane Fonda, Aquaman would tell lies about Jane and encourage his aquatic friends to spit on her at airports.
• In the 80’s, Jane Fonda produced a popular workout tape along with a best-selling diet book, “Puke Yourself Pretty”.
• Jane Fonda currently lives in a small house in the woods that’s made out of gingerbread, where she survives by cooking and eating lost children.
• Some people say that Jane Fonda only married Ted Turner for his money, but the truth is that she just has a thing for powerful men with cheesy moustaches.
• This may explain all those “secret admirer” notes that John Bolton’s been getting lately.
• In 1990, Jane Fonda retired from movie-making because she was weary of assuming human form in public.
• She had modest success writing children’s books such as “Green Eggs and Communism” and “Horton Hears a Mao”.
• Her groundbreaking work for the advancement of feminism includes being the only woman ever to win a John Kerry Look-Alike award.
• Jane Fonda is the owner of Fonda Farms, a California ranch that raises deformed frogs which are planted in swamps across the country so that crazed hippies can claim Bush’s environmental policies are destroying the planet.
• Jane Fonda’s current horrific appearance is NOT the result of botched plastic surgery, but rather it was caused by being dropped into a vat of chemicals by Batman.
• During the last election, Jane Fonda missed becoming Pope by 3 votes.
• Apparently some of the Cardinals hated Barbarella because it didn’t feature enough pointy hats.
• Other Cardinals were more appreciative of what pointiness it DID offer.
• When listening to a Jane Fonda political speech, do not attempt make sense out of anything she says or operate heavy equipment.
• When carefully considering their respective life stories, it becomes obvious that Jane Fonda is actually the Bizarro World version of Arnold Schwarzeneggar.

If there’s anything else that belongs in my upcoming best-selling novel “Jane’s World”, let me know in the comments.

President Bush met with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia in Texas yesterday where they discussed important things like the price of oil and how Saudi Arabia might become our newest nuclear weapons testing ground if they don’t get on board the anti-terror train in a big hurry.
WOOOOOO! WOOOOOO!
But the sad fact is that most Americans don’t really know all that much about our partner in the Middle East. Except that they’re only a “partner” in the sense that – in the war on terror – they provide the terrorists and we provide the kill’n. So to make us all a little wiser, I Googled my little heart out and present (in the extended entry) the following

Continue reading ‘Totally True Tidbits About Saudi Arabia’ »

April 10-16 is National Library Week, which is being celebrated across America despite the fact that it blatantly discriminates against illiterates & LiveJournal bloggers.
However, I believe that this is an important event, because without it, I wouldn’t have an excuse to make up (in the extended entry) these:

Continue reading ‘Totally True Tidbits About Libraries’ »

US forces are doing another sweep for stupid terrorists in Baghdad.
I call them “stupid” because you’d think they’d have learned by now that if you’re in a place where you can see an American flag surrounded by American soldiers, you shouldn’t be a terrorist there because you’ll be dead soon.
I mean, isn’t that one of the more obvious things represented by the American flag?
In the extended entry, there’s some more

Continue reading ‘Totally True Tidbits About The American Flag’ »

The US Senate recently voted to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration. Hearing this made made me so happy that I celebrated by beating up a hippy. While washing the blood off my hands, it occurred to me that I don’t actually know anything about ANWR. After extensive Googling however, I still didn’t know anything, so (in the extended entry) I made up these

Continue reading ‘Totally True Tidbits About ANWR’ »

Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars
Honda is piddling themselves with joy over the pending release of their latest hybrid version of the Accord. Unfortunately, the new Accord does NOT run on piddle, so it’s not as good of a deal as you might think.
What IS a “hybrid” car, exactly? Well, it’s a car that runs partly on gas, partly on electricity, and mostly on the weed-fevered fantasies of filthy hippies who think that spending $5000 to get an extra 2 mpg is actually a bargain because it enhances the self-esteem of spotted owls.
Or something.
Anyway, I assume that everyone else is as ignorant of this whole “hybrid” craze as I am, and I want to keep it that way by presenting (in the extended entry) these:

Continue reading ‘Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars’ »

For reasons that give new meaning to the word “inexplicable”, U2 front man Bono is having his name kicked around as possibly being the next president of the World Bank.
I guess it’s not completely insane, though, since nothing says “fiscal responsibility” like wrap-around shades and beard stubble.
However, before handing this man the keys to the kingdom of international graft, bribery, and kickbacks, it would be helpful to know a little more about him. So, with a little help from my friend, “making stuff up as I go along”, I present (in the extended entry) these:

Continue reading ‘Totally True Tidbits About Bono’ »

Last week Bill Gates was awarded an honorary knighthood by England’s Queen Elizabeth. I can’t believe she actually thinks that sucking up to America’s billionaires by letting them put “Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire” on their resume is going to make up for burning down the White House.
Some of us haven’t forgotten 1812, Queenie.
That aside, it seems there are a lot of misconceptions about knighthood and knights in general. Which is a good thing, because that means that Americans still realize that royalty and nobility are stupid ideas, and the only good use for a Queen is playing her on top of an opposite-colored King.
Monarchy – BOO! HISS!
However, if you’re planning a trip to Englandia, it might make you look like less of a retard if you understood some of the local cultural traditions, like the proper way for peasants to wallow in mud, and (in the extended entry) these:

Continue reading ‘Totally True Tidbits About Knights’ »

It was recently announced that Russia will be selling nuclear fuel to the Iranians for use in the Bushehr nuclear power plant. This is making a lot of folks uneasy, since – given Iran’s track record – many fear that this will lead to a sudden release of radioactive material after 444 days and a failed rescue attempt.
Personally, I consider these fears overblown, and I think they’re merely the result of the general level of appalling ignorance regarding nuclear power in general. People simply fear what they don’t understand. Fortunately for IMAO readers, I served for 4 years on board a nuclear powered aircraft carrier (USS Enterprise – CVN 65), which makes me eminently qualified to shed some much-needed light on the topic (in the extended entry) by pulling out of my magic ass the following:

Continue reading ‘Totally True Tidbits About Nuclear Power’ »