Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck, and I’m here to share the news.
Two reporters were dismissed by their paper for drinking on the job. Really, they were doing an article on drinking on college campuses. They covered the parties. They covered the Beer-Pong tournaments. They didn’t cover that they themselves joined in on the drinking.
Which makes sense. When a reporter covers a baseball game, I expect him to give me the score. I don’t expect him to get an ‘at-bat’.
Editors just know these things. Besides, the reporters left behind too many clues. The bad spelling. The run on sentences. The accurate facts.
These are signs that an editor looks for.
So the guys are sad to be fired — but excited to be in the semifinals of Beer-pong.
Russian President Vladimir Putin is making headlines. He was quoted as saying that the collapse of the Soviet Union was a “genuine tragedy”. This really shocked the people in the audience.
He then went on to discuss other sad tragedies — such as running water, electricity and the discovery of the Polio vaccine.
You know things are bad when you’re missing the old day. The days when your power was absolute. The spreading of your message to neighboring states everywhere, the leading of people through false propaganda — the rule with an iron fist. Now you know how the Democrats feel.
Archive of posts filed under the News Round-Up category.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Thursday
Hello,
Yo Soy RightWingDuck, y vengo a compartir las noticias.
Merry Christmas … Oops. I meant good afternoon. Curse my horrible English as a Second Language!!
Arnold Schwarzenegger today apologized for a remark he made where he said that California should close the borders to Mexico because it was creating a big mess.
He apologized to an offended state congressman saying that “English is my second language and I meant SECURE not CLOSE the borders, you bitch – I mean -sir.”
Arnold is so spineless when it comes to taking a position. How pathetic.
Oh, sorry. My English is not so good. It’s a second language for me, too.
What I meant to say is that the governor is doing a great job and he should just keep it up.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Tuesday
Woohoo! I’m back.
I’m done with doing taxes. Things got a little “iffy” there at the end. I’m not saying I was desperate for deductions, but if anyone asks, Harvey and Spacemonkey are my dependants.
Okay. So let’s see what’s been happening.
Personally, I was shocked at the latest developments in the Michael Jackson trial. The accuser’s mother took the stand and yelled, ‘Michael Jackson has fooled the world.”
Then I thought about it long and hard. She might be right. I’ve never really notice it, but now that I stop to think about it — it’s all very clear.
I think Michael Jackson has had some sort of plastic surgery.
Man, he had me fooled. It just looked so natural. I always assumed that as you got older — your face melted.
You know what I thought about the other day? I was watching MJ walk into court. He’s got a melted face — he dresses flamboyantly, and he talks funny. I don’t think he’s a child molester. He’s a super villain looking for a midget sidekick!!!
MJ: To the laboratory, McCauley! Our plan is almost ready!
McCauley : (Playing video game) Huh?
MJ: I said, my plan is almost ready. Soon, the whole world will think I had to sell my Beetles catalogue.
McCauley: (Playing video game) Huh?
MJ: But now, when they hear it, my subliminal suggestions will guide them to buy even more Michael Jackson records!! Bwu hahahahah.
McCauley: (Playing video game) Huh?
MJ: Screw this! Do you have a brother?
RWD’s News Round-Up, Wednesday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Sorry for the late posting today. I got home late last night and never had the chance to catch up. You know, it’s tough juggling all these responsibilities. I struggle to be a good dad, a loving husband, and a hard working “little Eichmann.”
I’m working later hours just so I can afford the essentials of life- gasoline!!
Gas is getting expensive and it’s starting to hurt an already aching airline industry. I’m lucky. I recently bagged a bargain airfare.
Of course, there was a catch. Half of us had to distract the neighboring American Airlines plane by doing the “chicken dance” on the tarmac, while the other half siphoned out its jet fuel.
In all fairness, we were given extra mints. Distracting is hard work.
Some students from Purdue have scored a major prize for the third year in a row. The Rube Goldberg contest this year had a goal: to create a device that changes the batteries in a flashlight and do it in as many steps as possible. Their winning project had 125 steps to it!!
It was touch and go at the beginning; when they realized their kit didn’t include the batteries.
So they went to neighboring MIT team and started doing the “chicken dance”….
Amazing. 125 steps to complete a single task, or as the IRS would call it — the Short Form.
Interestingly enough, that is not the world record. The all time record is held by John Kerry who took 759 steps to explain if he supported the Iraq War.
Well, 760 if you count yesterday, but he’s on crutches — so that might call for an asterisk or something.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Tuesday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck, and I’m here to share the news.
I continue to be awed by the power of science.
Scientists have figured out how to control a fly by remote control.
http://asia.news.yahoo.com/050411/ap/d89dbiro2.html
That is so cool. They can use lasers and other stuff to actually control the fly’s brain.
Now. You’re probably wondering what value there could be in being able to do this.
You probably would imagine two researchers controlling a fly around the room.
“Man, this is so cool.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Oooh! Why don’t we make it crash into the garbage cans?”
However, they hope that by studying the brain impulses, they can figure out the brain process of people, in particular those who commit acts of violence and those who overeat.
“Look at that guy over there. That’s his third trip to the buffet.”
“What a pig.”
“Yeah, I know. Why don’t we make him crash into those garbage cans?”
Operating the brain of a fly? Those scientists have an inspirational project.
They got the idea from watching the New York Times guide the Democrats on social issues.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Monday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck, and I’m here to share the news.
In Virginia, a man was sentenced to 9 years in prison for sending unsolicited Spam.
It was really a very weak case. That’s what he gets for hiring a lawyer from a pop up ad.
So NINE years. The worst part is the guy won’t have any access to a computer. The good news is he’ll still get pop ups. Every day huge men will pop up out of nowhere saying, “Hello, would you like to have hot steamy sex?”
In other news, its being reported that Martha Stewart made $1.2 million dollars in 2004 despite being locked up for part of the year.
Of course, you hav to factor in that a lot of that was paid out in Marlboros.
In other news, Martha has announced her newest book: Cooking With Cigarettes.
So you go to prison and you just make more money? It’s just not fair.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Friday
Hurray! You came back for another day of round-ups!!
I just know we’re going to lose readers once the new Britney/Kevin show gets going.
Are you excited? Britney Spears and her husband, Kevin, have penned a deal to make a reality show based on their daily lives.
Hooray. I was worried about that. We just don’t see enough of this woman.
She’s really excited. If all goes well, she could become the next Jessica Simpson, or Paris Hilton.
He’s excited too. If all goes well, people might stop seeing him as a freeloader.
Personally, I think we have too many celebrity shows. I miss the old celebrity reality videos — Security Cameras.
I’m not sure Britney is too familiar with this type of performing. She’s secretly mentioned to friends that she’s worried about having to coordinate 22 minutes of lip synching.
They’ve signed on for six episodes, or the length of the marriage — whichever comes first.
The United States is looking at requiring passports for Americans traveling back and forth between Mexico — Canada too.
In fact, they say if you go to Mexico and you don’t have your passport, you won’t be able to get back in. You know what this could lead to? That’s right — Illegal AMERICANS.
I say make them run across the border at midnight. This way we find out who REALLY loves this country.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Thursday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
I’d like to start today by doing a rewrite of a joke and offering an apology to anyone who was offended. Typically, I don’t care about offending people, especially if they’re liberal- but when it’s another Army dude, and a faithful reader — then a correction is in order. (Full Disclosure, Duck is a veteran of the US Army)
Old Joke: Army Sgt. First Class Paul Ray Smith died defending his men and saved many lives. His 11 year old son was honored to accept the award on his dad’s behalf.
And following the long standing Army tradition, the young boy then stepped out to celebrate by getting stewed, screwed, and tattooed [The intended humor was in the age. I like the idea of the young boy stepping in to do his dad’s celebrating]
New Joke: President Bush today awarded the first Congressional Medal of Honor of the Iraq war. It is only the third such award given since Vietnam.
The other two were awarded last year to John F. Kerry (with a combat “V”)
Sergeant First Class Paul Ray Smith died defending the lives of his men. His courage is an inspiration to all who have worn, and will wear a United States Military Uniform.
His 11 year old son accepted the award on his behalf. It was a bittersweet moment as they missed their loved one — yet were very proud of what he did.
It was also an odd moment — Dubya kinda lost track of what he was doing and urged all 11-year olds to go out and join the Army.
The young man will be going out to tell the nation his dad’s story. In fact, he’s been so inspired by his dad’s bravery, that he’s telling his story in some very dangerous places: Chicago, Philadelphia, and Neverland.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Wednesday
Hello,
Welcome. Welcome.
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
President Bush will be attending the Popes funeral along with Bill Clinton and George Sr.
Why no Jimmy Carter on this visit?
There was no room on the plane, even considering that he offered to bring his own peanuts.
That’s sad. Was Jimmy snubbed?
“Hi Jimmy. It’s Dubya. No, I’m not calling to invite you to the funeral. We already have a token Democrat. Hey, the Oval Office needs some new sheetrock. Can you help us out?”
Some speculate that Carter was snubbed, but really -it was for security reasons. Jimmy is 2,478th in the line of succession.
They didn’t want to take any chances.
In New Jersey, the government held a massive Terror Training exercise.
It was totally realistic.
Rescue people practiced removing people from rubble, paramedics trained on emergency procedures, and the press practiced blaming President Bush.
It was so realistic, Osama made another video claiming credit.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Tuesday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck, and I’m here to share the news.
The passing of the Pope has touched millions worldwide. Now, the funeral preparations are getting underway as they prepare to receive leaders from around the world.
President Bush will be attending, because he’s President. Bill Clinton might attend because he met the Pope several times, and John Kerry wants to attend because he served in Vietnam.
The interesting part is that the College of Cardinals will be voting for a new Pope. It should go smoothly, provided things don’t get screwed up by the Cardinal from Ohio.
Thankfully, Jimmy Carter will be there to ensure that no funny business takes place.
There are no leading candidates at this point.
However, Zogby Polling stated that in order to win the office, the winning candidate must poll well among Cardinals who are Catholic.
Normally, the voting is done by secret ballot. This election, they’ll be using voting machines from America. So I guess if the machines really are rigged, our next Pope could be George Bush!! (With 1% for Ralph Nader)
RWD’s News Round-Up, Monday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck, and I’m here to share the news.
Some sad news. Pope John Paul II died this weekend.
Catholics around the world mourn the loss of this religous leader.
I’m not Catholic anymore, but I respect any person who dedicates his life to serving the Lord.
I was watching Spanish TV when they broadcast the announcement. The man on the street interviews had people saying things such as, “He made a difference”, “He served God his whole life” and “I hope he’s in a better place now.
I thought – You HOPE he’s in a better place?
Man, if he can’t get in, I am so royally screwed….
Seriously…He was a leader who made an impact and I hope his soul is at rest.
Inother news, a man assaulted Pat Buchanan by throwing salad dressing all over him at arecent speech
The young man was arrested on a minor charge as Pat refused to press assault charges.
Man, that is so stressful. In fact, to help ease the stress, Pat will be going away on a vacation… to the Thousand Islands.
Just kidding, I mean to his RANCH DRESSING hahahahahaha.
Ahem. anyway…
RWD’s News Round-Up, Thursday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck. And I’m here to share the news.
I’ll start today’s Round-Up with some sad news.
Terri Schiavo passed away this morning. There was a lot of controversy over this case. Her parents stated that Terri wanted to live. Her husband, Michael, said that she really wanted to die.
Rest in peace, Terri.
In other news, the Pope is getting nutrition through a feeding tube placed in his nose.
Michael Schiavo today announced that the Pope once told him he wouldn’t want to be kept alive through artificial means.
The ACLU is filing suit at the Vatican to ensure religious extremists do not get involved.
The Minuteman project is almost underway in Arizona.
A group of 1,000 or so volunteers will sit across a stretch of the Arizona Mexico border and watch for illegal alien crossings. They will be there with radios, cell phones, and their vehicles.
Think about it: Over 600 cars, in a line, for over a month.
So it’s just like the LA commute, only faster.
The ACLU is fiercely opposed to all of this activity. They feel it is not fair to turn anyone away, unless they’re wearing a a t-shirt with the Ten Commandments.
The Minutemen insist that they are only there to observe. They will call for Border Patrol to come pick them up. In the meantime, they’ll report and track all those crossing into the US.
“Yep, I see one crossing. Yep, I’m following him.”
Later–(on the phone)
“Okay. He found a job and is staying with friends.”
Later–(on the phone)
“Yep, he found his own place. Hurry.”
Later–(on the phone)
“He’s getting married. She’s illegal too. We’ve got ’em both. Hurry up and grab ’em.”
Later–(on the phone)
“I’m still watching. Hurry up, she’s going into labor.”
Later–(on the phone)
“I’m passing this one off. I’ve been arrested for stalking. They say I violated their rights. No, I can’t escape to Mexico. I don’t have a visa.”
RWD’s News Round-Up, Wedesday
Hello,
I’m RightWngDuck. I’m here to share the news.
The report is out on the UN Oil For Food Scandal, and Koffi Annan is faulted but not blamed for the actions of his son.
Makes perfect sense.
President Bush gets blamed for the actions of our Abu Grahib soldiers, but that doesn’t mean that Kofi should be blamed for the actions for his own son!!
They should blame his parents. Oh.
Kofi’s son, Kojo, was paid thousands of dollars by Cotecna to help mismanage the Oil for Food program. Of course, trouble quickly followed.
Kofi should give him a job that keeps young Kojo out of trouble. Like, working with the UN troops. He should visit the Congo.
The Congo. Where the UN helps makes every night, ladies night.
“Although Tuesday’s report found no wrongdoing by Kofi Annan, it clearly faulted the secretary-general’s management of the world body and his oversight of the oil-for-food program.”
So, he’s not officially blamed. But that’s just a Cotecna-cality.
BTW, I do believe it’s the first UN Report to have 10 pages of Annan family pictures.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Tuesday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
I have some sad Easter news, unfortunately.
A boy may face charges for smacking the Easter Bunny in the face.
This is what happens when kids are allowed to smack elves around. It just escalates, people!!
Give the man in the bunny costume some credit, he felt it was not right for the Easter bunny to hit back.. Funny though, it’s the first time kids heard a bunny squeal like a stuck pig.
But watch yourself kid, the Easter Bunny knows people, if you know what I mean.
This will lead to father-son conversations such as:
“Daddy, what’s that Elf doing out here at this time of year?”
“Well son, it appears to be a half-nelson.”
A Wendy’s restaurant in Northern California, served a customer a special surprise!!
(hat tip to reader Gaskar — who had this to me long before Drudge posted it)
Yep. A customer found a part of a severed finger in her bowl of chili.
Worst part? They advertise it as TWO finger chili!!
She was robbed man. She was robbed.
Sales of chili were down. Way down.
It’s sad to see chile in single digits. And vice versa.
Police are looking for the owner of the severed finger – but as of yesterday, they hadn’t fingered anyone.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Thursday
Hello, I’m RightWingDuck,
I’m here to share the news.
Good stuff going on.
A Catholic school in South Australia has suspended one of several teachers who, believe it or not, attended an LSD party.
At first, Catholic officials were furious. Then they realized they misread the invitation – they thought it had said, LDS party.
They were returned to duty and were ordered to drink lots of Coca Cola.
LSD is fine. Especially when the flashback comes in the official school colors.
In Boston, a man who escaped prison twenty years ago was captured by police. The man was a poet of the month, and spent a lot of time in front of microphones reciting his poetry.
Police suspected something was wrong when he won a prize for his last poem, “I can’t believe it’s been twenty years since I escaped prison.”
Beatniks thought it was a metaphor for marriage!