Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck, and I’m here to share the news.
In Virginia, a man was sentenced to 9 years in prison for sending unsolicited Spam.
It was really a very weak case. That’s what he gets for hiring a lawyer from a pop up ad.
So NINE years. The worst part is the guy won’t have any access to a computer. The good news is he’ll still get pop ups. Every day huge men will pop up out of nowhere saying, “Hello, would you like to have hot steamy sex?”
In other news, its being reported that Martha Stewart made $1.2 million dollars in 2004 despite being locked up for part of the year.
Of course, you hav to factor in that a lot of that was paid out in Marlboros.
In other news, Martha has announced her newest book: Cooking With Cigarettes.
So you go to prison and you just make more money? It’s just not fair.
Prince Charles finally got married.
I know. I know, “Why buy the cow, when the milk has dried up” but he seems to be happy now.
As part of the wedding ceremony, the priest made the Prince and his bride admit they were wicked sinners for having cheated on their spouses.
It was appropriate. However, I do feel the priest went overboard when he made them admit they were ugly.
Hey, not everybody can be pretty. But it helps.
Seriously. The Federal Reserve did a study and found out that pretty people make more money.
Researchers spend countless hours, staying up late, talking to workers, and counting the dollar bills in g-strings.
They may need to go back and do more research.
Hmm. Maybe one day companies will brag about all of their ugly workers.
I can see the commercials now.
We have the best insurance rates because we save money on overhead!! Just look at all of our ugly people!!!
“I’m Jim. I haven’t had a date in 3 years. I’m good with numbers.”
The good hands people. Because we have to be.
Here’s a really cool article. There are now some public schools wooing home schooled students to get them to attend public schools.
In fact, they’re experimenting with some new advertising slogans such as–
Our teachers are prettier than your mom and friendlier. Much friendlier.
Get out of the house.
And.
It’s been 23 days since our last shooting.
THE FDA is evaluating lifting the ban on silicone breast implant.
Reasons cited are health improvements, safety upgrades, and an excessive number of women with flat chests.
A Detroit Reporter is in trouble for faking details of a story.
The story had to be filed on Friday. Although the game happened on Saturday.
Hmm. Maybe newspapers should report on stories AFTER THEY HAPPEN.
The author also wrote Tuesdays with Morrie — which was later turned into a TV movie.
Preliminary investigations show he wrote the book on Saturdays!!!
His report was fake, but clairvoyant!!
General Motors has pulled their ads from the Los Angeles Times citing frustration with their left wing bent.
Said an LA Editor. “They sure are missing out. Just next Wednesday we’re running a new series. The Top Ten cars for Fascists.”
Is it accurate? I don’t think a real Fascist would drive a Toyota Prius.
The Smuckers company was dealt a bad blow. They had filed a patent on their peanut butter and jelly crustless sandwiches.
The patent was denied. Said a lawyer, ‘With a name like Smuckers, we thought our patent would be good.”
John Kerry was recently in Rome for the Pope”s funeral.
No, not for political purposes. What’s wrong with you people? He was there for the Veterans of Vietnam Mourning the Loss of the Pope Meeting.
Having had knee surgery recently, he was actually on crutches. Physical crutches, not the “I was cheated out of Ohio” crutch.
In typical Kerry fashion, he’s put himself in for another Purple Heart.
This isn’t like the other times he’s applied for a medal. This time the injury appears real.
I’ll keep you informed of this step by step.
Here’s a great rumor. If it’s true, it’s hilarious.
It turns out that Madonna’s kids primarily speak French. She spends to little time with them that now when she visits, they can barely communicate.
Now it all makes sense. This is why the Liberal Elite love the United Nations — the Interpreters!!
Madonna’s child: Le Blah, le blah, le blah blah blah.
UN Interpreter: Your son wishes to express his happiness at your return from America and asks if you brought him back anything.
I love it!!
**
That’s all. Remeber, I can’t hear you laugh. So use the comments to tell us which jokes got a laugh out of you.
As the L.A. Times would say: Enjoy your day, you fascist pigs.
I liked “The good hands people. Because we have to be.”
I groaned in appreciation.
Kerry’s purple heart
oh and “le blah” ha ha that was funny.
I know. I know, “Why buy the cow, when the milk has dried up” but he seems to be
happy now.
As part of the wedding ceremony, the priest made the Prince and his bride admit
they were wicked sinners for having cheated on their spouses.
It was appropriate. However, I do feel the priest went overboard when he made
them admit they were ugly.
Hey, not everybody can be pretty. But it helps.
This is good, in a bad way (-8
We got another of those “public school teacher has sex with male students” cases going on in mid-Michigan right now …… they showed a picture of the teacher ….. I didn’t envy the boys … I think her name should be changed to Ug Lee or something of the sort …. man, I thought excessive homework was cruel … but this stuff could scar these guys for life …. hmmmm ….. is THIS where the surplus of non-heterosexuals is coming from …. ???
pete
“However, I do feel the priest went overboard when he made them admit they were ugly” LOL!!
Great stuff Mr. Duck. My favorites were:
-Every day huge men will pop up out of nowhere saying, “Hello, would you like to have hot steamy sex?”
-The good hands people. Because we have to be.
-‘With a name like Smuckers, we thought our patent would be good.”
-Physical crutches, not the “I was cheated out of Ohio” crutch.
-why the Liberal Elite love the United Nations — the Interpreters!!
Now that is some good funny 🙂
My favorite…
Our teachers are prettier than your mom and friendlier. Much friendlier.
Very topical, rather disturbing. Good funny. 🙂
le blah, le blah
That’s a hot one, RWD.
Here in Arizona we’ve had a rash of “extra-friendly” teachers the past few years (one even impregnated a girl). I’m glad the home-schoolers are putting the hurt on the public school system (and I homeschool all 4 of my kids for about 600.00 a year as opposed to the 5000.00+ per student the schools get from taxpayers).
Truly the ancient societies of latin america were most enlightened. That is what were supposed to believe anyway.
Here is a little tidbit that you most likely have not seen yet
http://barometer.orst.edu/vnews/display.v/ART/2005/04/11/425a9b2d9b2ac
Sorry, that is not response to your news round-up. But I didn’t know how else to send it to ya.
your pop up joke made me spurt water out my nose at work…
Physical crutches, not the “I was cheated out of Ohio” crutch.
🙂 🙂
The worst part is the guy won’t have any access to a computer. The good news is he’ll still get pop ups. Every day huge men will pop up out of nowhere saying, “Hello, would you like to have hot steamy sex?”
Thanks a lot Ducky I pictured it!
I’d file this entire Round-Up under the Best of Duck! Also, Mitch Albom is a little guy with a very large head that is only dwarfed by his own ego (personal experience).
Make that a very large cranium (in case Harvey is reading).
Liked the Pop Ad Attorney joke best. I always look forward to reading RWD’s News Round Up. One of the first things I ALWAYS look for when reading IMAO. Intellect and a sense of humor last forever. Thanks for sharing.
“Madonna’s child: Le Blah, le blah, le blah blah blah.
UN Interpreter: Your son wishes to express his happiness at your return from America and asks if you brought him back anything. ”
LOL
I read the link to that story. I was particularly amused by this bit at the end: “Madonna’s rep tells us the kids are teaching her French…”
Oh, the possibilities!!!