Archive of entries posted on 27th April 2005

New Weapons for the Troops

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
The best part about starting unprovoked wars of aggression in the Middle East – besides getting to steal all that sweet, sweet oil – is that is leads to the development of fun new weaponry. For example, the enchanting and addictive new XM8 Assault Rifle (see the video here, featuring R. Lee Ermey).
Using my secret Pentagon connections, I’ve discovered more cool things we can expect to see in the near future, and I’ve listed them in the extended entry:

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“The Castle Doctrine” Would Be a Great Name for a Gun

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Hey! It’s your favorite Frank J. – The Frank J. – the unquestioned overlord of the blogododecahedron, here to talk about firearms, so listen up.
Now, as you may have heard, a new bill has been signed in my state by Jeb Bush (we have our own Bush in Florida) that changes self-defense laws so that a citizen no longer has to attempt to flee from an attacker before using lethal force. Also, the castle doctrine has been expanded so that you can pretty much blow away any mo’fo’ who breaks into you house – no questions asked (info on bill here; will come into effect October 1st).
Now, the critics, of course, are saying this is going to turn Florida into the “Wild West” as they do about every self-defense. Since there are plenty of states that already have similar laws and don’t have any problems, the critics might as well be arguing the earth is flat. Still, they think that now, anytime someone feels threatened, he’s going to start shooting and we’ll get this:

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Tips for smearing an American Idol judge

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Disgraced former American Idol contestant Corey Clark (he was the tall semi-guy from a couple of years ago with frizzy hair, a weirdly high Michael Jackson voice, and a penchant for beating up little girls) is peddling a book detailing how AI‘s Pollyanna-ish judge Paula Abdul “paid his expenses and promised to pay $2 million towards his pop career if he kept their romance secret.”
I don’t know who Corey’s ghost writer is, but Corey’s agent shouldn’t have let him write his own book proposal…
C’mon, who here thinks Paula Abdul has two million bucks to throw around? She hasn’t had a hit in over fifteen years, she is just a cast member rather than “producer” of AI(meaning she doesn’t have profit sharing when the show does well), and obviously has to drive her own car rather than have a limo driver.
I know Paula’s a has-been but what kind of idiot never-was would publicly claim: “Paula Abdul said she pay me $2 million if I didn’t tell anyone we had sex”?
Dude, have the sex and take the $2 million… Unless the publisher gave you a $3 million advance on your book, you ain’t gonna get a better deal than that.