Ryan Seacrest is wearing a slinky on his shirt. And that’s okay, because he’s supposed to look like a goofball.
Scott 01 – “The Impossible Dream” – oh, either the sound is awful again tonight or Scott’s not caressing the mic enough. Ok, he looks good tonight, I like him in the suit. I love that song, so I’m not put off by him tonight. But that last note. Whew. Glad that’s over. And there she goes again, Paula with her refusal to allow Simon, the only person with an opinion, to actually voice his. I wonder if she’ll be all over him again tonight, and will she dance dance dance for us? One can only dread.
Even before we finished fast-forwarding through the commercials, Frank predicted that Constantine would pick the gayest song. Yep, well-predicted, my love.
Constantine 02 – “My Funny Valentine” – I despise this song, ever since we sang it in a Richard Rodgers night in chorale a couple of years ago. Tonight, Constantine’s display of affection for America includes a knee-bend, come-to-bed gesture, and oh, I can’t be farther from thinking that, dear me. I actually thought he sang quite well tonight, even after picking such a ridiculous and yawnful song. I didn’t hate it, and vocally it was probably his best. I’m not sure what he said in his blah-blah session with Ryan after his performance, but there was more come-to-daddy behavior.
Carrie 03 – “Hello Young Lovers” – The dress is hideous, the earrings are cute, the hair is 80s awful. The song was so boring until the end, and oh wow, the big finish was done in fabulous i’m-the-best fashion . She’s awesome, but I stayed up really late the last two nights, and I would ask that she refrain from finishing me off in future episodes. I’m trying to stay awake to kick Frank’s butt in Puzzle Kombat!!
Vonzell 04 – “People” – I cringed when I heard what she was going to sing. See above, I do not have the caffeinitude to stay awake for this tonight. Ok, her voice is amazing, she doesn’t get near the credit she deserves, and let me just tell you that that was better than anything I’ve ever heard come out of Barbra Streisand’s trap. I do love her look tonight, she is beautiful. And Paula looks close to the edge. I don’t know, collagen? Salt? Something medicinal?
Anthony 05 – “Climb Every Mountain” – I actually disagree with Simon. Yes, the beginning was like watching two sloths playing the mating dance, but later on, once he started to build and blah blah, I thought it was pretty good. I go back and forth on him every week. Kill me before you make me listen to him again v. nobody speak or move while he’s singing lest I miss a single note. Tonight, one of his better ones. Last note = great.
Nikko 06 – “One Hand One Heart” – He kinda cheated by having that lady sing along like it was a duet. Now that the criticism is out of the way, and we know I’m not a Nikko fan, I actually thought that was his best performance. It was the first time he wasn’t singing about all the things he’d like to do to me in the privacy of his bedroom. Actually didn’t make me feel dirty.
Anwar 07 – “If Ever I Would Leave You” – Please please please be good tonight. Lemme tell ya, that chamber music piano riff during any song makes my eyes glaze over and my mind wander. Oh, he’s back. Sigh I clapped for real.
I think Simon’s in a mood tonight.
Bo 08 – “some song from Pippin” LOL, I love how he picked his song. Close your eyes and cross your fingers. giggle I’m such a sucker. He could say “I chose the song that seemed the most liberal of all the songs” and I would giggle, get excited, and defend him vigorously for his pick. I’m hoping for a Hank Williams Jr. or Toby Keith song next week; seriously, if I heard him sing about Uncle Sam, I might just skip around the room. And would somebody please pour the vodka out of Paula’s Coca-Cola cup and give her some coffee? That woman is ailing.
Nadia 09 – “If Ever He Needs Me” – She looks fabulous tonight, I love the coiled hair, the dress, all of it. She was great.
I agree, if you’re going to go with a musicals theme, at least please sir, don’t allow the boring let’s-walk-through-the-park-together-in-the-moonlight-and-talk-about-butterflies songs into the repertoire.
My order tonight:
Bo – because he’s my favorite
Nadia
Constantine – and tomorrow I get my head examined
Anwar
Vonzell
Carrie
Anthony
Nikko
Scott

Here we’ll take a balanced look at social security with all sides weighing in on the matter.
Social Security Question and Answer Session
What is wrong with Social Security?
Left Side – Nothing. Ok well, we’ll tweak it a little. Really the only thing that would improve it is putting it in the U.S. Constitution or the U.N. Charter.
Right Side – A whole freakin’ lot. In fact, just short of everything. We don’t even really like the name all that much.
Off Side (me) – Everything. Well, it’s my money, why can’t I freaking keep it/lose it/buy a Play Station Portable with it or groceries or plastic yard bunnies or whatever? But NOOOOOO, instead I have to take it out of every single freakin’ paycheck and put it into an account I’ll probably never see a red cent of unless we start euthanizing more inconvenient people pretty soon.
When will Social Security run out of money if nothing is changed?
Left Side – Never, if money ever gets low, we’ll just institute a tax on Bibles, Bible reading and any other Bible related activilties, up to and including thumping.
Righ Side – 2017 or 2041 depending on what you mean by run out.
Off Side – 1954, Right now it takes on average 3 people’s pay in to match 1 person’s payout. At 3:1 it sounds like it’s already out of money to me.
Who will use personal accounts?
Left Side – Everyone will be forced to. Your money will be taken from you by jack booted thugs at gun point. We don’t have a problem with this in principle since that’s how we’d like to see taxes taken. Our real concern is that it will then all be given to evil rich Republicans. Oh and the dead will all have to be dug up to see if they were buried with loose change in their pockets. The dead people change will also given to the evil rich Republicans for them to spend on having their gold-plated everything turned into platinum-plated everythings.
Right Side – Only those who desire to participate will. Those who chose not to participate can keep their account the way it is. People over 50 will not have the option.
Off Side – Only the people who brought me really cool presents for my 13th birthday will be allowed to participate. This is the 22nd year I’ve continued to accept these presents. Hint: I like things with the initials PSP. Oh and that blogger Phil. he can use them too.
Describe Social Security in 25 words or less.
Left Side – A great big ol’ warm bear hug from our nanny, the government. Good for us who are too dumb/lazy to plan for our own retirement. [long sigh]
Right Side – Social Security, an idea whose time has come and GONE. Social? I dunno,maybe. Secure? HAH! HAH! HAHHHAHHAHHAHA HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAH!. HAHAHAHHAHAHH! [deep breath] AHAHAHAHA HAHHHAHAH! [COUGH] HAH!
Off Side – I say its time to pull the feeding tube and let it die a dignified painless death. And somebody please get the ‘Right Side’ guy some water, he’s turning red.
Thanks for tuning in.

Sorry I haven’t said anything about the pope since he died; I guess I’m going by the maxim that, if you don’t have anything profound to say, don’t say anything at all. But not saying anything at all isn’t an option, so here I am.
As we speak my little kitten is locked in master bathroom with a plastic cone around her head so she doesn’t chew on her stitches and neither does SarahK’s cat, Calico Fats. She’s about as pathetic looking as possible (I’ll put pictures up later), but I gave her a little piece of plastic to play with all day. Still, I worry. Also, I was drinking from my travel mug and then looked down to find my blue shirt all covered in yellow coffee stains. Stupid travel mug malfunction. Now I’m going to look like an idiot all day.
You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all this.

Continue reading ‘I Don’t Want a New Pope’ »

In Arizona, a group of over 400 well-armed, patriotic citizens – mostly retired men – have taken it upon themselves to patrol the Mexican border to help the Border Patrol stem the tide of illegal immigrants.
Which is fine by me.
But what if their project succeeds and the border becomes secure? What will they do then? Just go home, sit on the couch, and ogle Baywatch reruns?
‘Twould be tragic.
Surely there are other projects available for a heat-packin’ mob of American Patriots. Projects like the ones in the extended entry:

Continue reading ‘Minutemen on the Job!’ »