Here we’ll take a balanced look at social security with all sides weighing in on the matter.
Social Security Question and Answer Session
What is wrong with Social Security?
Left Side – Nothing. Ok well, we’ll tweak it a little. Really the only thing that would improve it is putting it in the U.S. Constitution or the U.N. Charter.
Right Side – A whole freakin’ lot. In fact, just short of everything. We don’t even really like the name all that much.
Off Side (me) – Everything. Well, it’s my money, why can’t I freaking keep it/lose it/buy a Play Station Portable with it or groceries or plastic yard bunnies or whatever? But NOOOOOO, instead I have to take it out of every single freakin’ paycheck and put it into an account I’ll probably never see a red cent of unless we start euthanizing more inconvenient people pretty soon.
When will Social Security run out of money if nothing is changed?
Left Side – Never, if money ever gets low, we’ll just institute a tax on Bibles, Bible reading and any other Bible related activilties, up to and including thumping.
Righ Side – 2017 or 2041 depending on what you mean by run out.
Off Side – 1954, Right now it takes on average 3 people’s pay in to match 1 person’s payout. At 3:1 it sounds like it’s already out of money to me.
Who will use personal accounts?
Left Side – Everyone will be forced to. Your money will be taken from you by jack booted thugs at gun point. We don’t have a problem with this in principle since that’s how we’d like to see taxes taken. Our real concern is that it will then all be given to evil rich Republicans. Oh and the dead will all have to be dug up to see if they were buried with loose change in their pockets. The dead people change will also given to the evil rich Republicans for them to spend on having their gold-plated everything turned into platinum-plated everythings.
Right Side – Only those who desire to participate will. Those who chose not to participate can keep their account the way it is. People over 50 will not have the option.
Off Side – Only the people who brought me really cool presents for my 13th birthday will be allowed to participate. This is the 22nd year I’ve continued to accept these presents. Hint: I like things with the initials PSP. Oh and that blogger Phil. he can use them too.
Describe Social Security in 25 words or less.
Left Side – A great big ol’ warm bear hug from our nanny, the government. Good for us who are too dumb/lazy to plan for our own retirement. [long sigh]
Right Side – Social Security, an idea whose time has come and GONE. Social? I dunno,maybe. Secure? HAH! HAH! HAHHHAHHAHHAHA HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAH!. HAHAHAHHAHAHH! [deep breath] AHAHAHAHA HAHHHAHAH! [COUGH] HAH!
Off Side – I say its time to pull the feeding tube and let it die a dignified painless death. And somebody please get the ‘Right Side’ guy some water, he’s turning red.
Thanks for tuning in.
MONKEY!!!
Watch your tags. I checked on my site and thought it had been highjacked when the whole screen was red with some text about SS.
Sorry. converted it from a table to not-a-table and a few stray table tags tanked everyting. Preview looked fine.
:: shakes fist ::
I’ll preview you!
I LOLed. That was great S.Monkey.
I liked the “it died in 1954” bit the best. And also the “that’s how we’d like to see taxes taken” part.
Can I just make the point that Platinum-Plated everything is much more tasteful than gold-plated everything.
Let’s make it happen!
That about sums it up. That post was FULL of great one liners. Good job spacemonkey.
Good job spacemonkey! Pretty much the way I see it! I agree with you, especially the “Well, it’s my money, why can’t I freaking keep it/lose it/buy a Play Station Portable with it or groceries or plastic yard bunnies or whatever?” line. Keep up the good work.
PS – After all, it is our money.
Indeed.
Does anyone else notice that the ad bar on the left side are all linking to either “nursing bras” or “Kittens”?
Ok, that was entertaining, but what does moving before the ball is snapped have to do with your political views?
Or maybe crossing the line before the puck?
One of the best Spacemonkey. Maybe it was so funny because it is so true?
So if the lefties get in power again* and they go ahead and implement this Bible tax, will Frank J. have to start a paid side of IMAO for “Frank Reads the Bible” entries?
* I know, I know. I’m talking about some alternate universe.
spacemonkeyYou are, if you’ll pardon the expression, the man (or is it the monkey?).
Damn Shep, you beat me to it. I was thinking the same thing as I was reading the post.
http://www.homestead.com/undauntedcoalition/Antisocial.html
Social Security has been providing a steadily increasing surplus for a long time, meaning the program has not only been taking in more than it spends, but also the surplus has been increasing. That surplus has been funding the steady growth of other government spending, much of which has automatic increases built in. The year when Social Security’s surplus stops increasing, and starts decreasing, is not 2041 or 2018, but 2009. Starting only FOUR YEARS FROM NOW, the government’s appetite for continually increased spending is no longer going to be able to count on raiding more and more from the nation’s pension fund. So in 2009, they’re going to have to either raise other taxes — or increase the deficit — or cut spending. Every option will be painful. The longer we put off fixing it the more painful it will be. The crisis is here, NOW.
Do your part to save Social Security:
1) start smoking
2) ride motorcycle without a helmet
3) if you don’t have a motorcycle, get one (and remember, no helmet).
4) run with chainsaw.
Muahahhaaa!! I’m 50 now! I get my money no matter what you tadpoles say!
(Just keep paying in a while longer please. Remember, I’ve already paid your Grandmother).
Do your part to save Social Security…
OCBill – that reminds me of the roadsigns we see around here in Pittsburgh: “Slow Down, Save a Life”. All I can think when I see them is “Speed Up, Save Social Security”.
I have a PSP, its so awesome
Do Right Side/Left Side/Off Side discussions about more issues, please. 🙂
John, you must surrender your PSP to me. Sorry I don’t make the rules I just enforce them.
Ok I made up THAT rule, but I’m still enforcing it.
Amber, OK will do.