Archive of entries posted on 19th April 2005

Monkey Joins AZ SWAT Team, FrankJ Outraged

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DATELINE MESA, ARIZONA (9:25 A.M. MOUNTAIN TIME)
The Mesa, AZ Police Department has a lot of explaining to do to Blogger Overlord FrankJ because the Mesa PD has hired a capuchin monkey as the newest member of their elite SWAT team.

The Associated Press heaped praise on the varmint, noting that “dressed in a Kevlar vest, video camera, and two-way radio, the small monkey would be able to get into places no officer or robot could go.”
FrankJ immediately responded to the story with: “Notice that they didn’t give it a gun? The dumbest thing anyone could do is give a monkey a gun. Give a monkey a gun and who’s gonna stop Earth from turning into Planet of the Apes? I mean, Chuck Heston just isn’t at 100% anymore…”
Most leftist news services around the world have been largely supportive of the SWAT team monkey, but in a surprising break from the pack, the Hollywood trade mag Variety slammed the Mesa, AZ PD’s choice in monkeys noting that the capuchin “got Marion Ravenwood captured by the Nazis, almost got Indiana Jones killed, and was a real pain in the neck for the entire overpaid and overrated cast of Friends.”

Save Mars NOW!

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It has been known for years that Mars, the planet not the candy bar, has carbon dioxide in its atmosphere.
Now there is evidence that methane also exists in the martian atmosphere.
As any good little tree hugger will tell you about carbon dioxide and methane,’THOSE ARE GREEN HOUSE GASES!’ The all caps simulate the pain caused by being crushed by a bulldozer or logging machine.
I want to be the first to say we must act to order to SAVE MARS NOW. Those green house gases must be reduced. Else all the coastal cities on Mars could be flooded with frozen seawater caused by colliding meltingglaciertsunamicaines.
SAVE MARS NOW! The danger is real. All liberals, heed the call and tie yourselves to a rocket today so we can SAVE MARS NOW!
It doesn’t have to be a rocket on the way to Mars either. Because we can meet up in orbit at the International House of Planetsavers and all carpool aboard a Mars-bound rocket, so we can all SAVE MARS NOW!
SAVE MARS NOW, because if we wait till the day after tomorrow IT MAY BE TOO LATE!
SAVE MARS NOW!

RWD’s News Round-Up, Tuesday

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Woohoo! I’m back.
I’m done with doing taxes. Things got a little “iffy” there at the end. I’m not saying I was desperate for deductions, but if anyone asks, Harvey and Spacemonkey are my dependants.
Okay. So let’s see what’s been happening.
Personally, I was shocked at the latest developments in the Michael Jackson trial. The accuser’s mother took the stand and yelled, ‘Michael Jackson has fooled the world.”
Then I thought about it long and hard. She might be right. I’ve never really notice it, but now that I stop to think about it — it’s all very clear.
I think Michael Jackson has had some sort of plastic surgery.
Man, he had me fooled. It just looked so natural. I always assumed that as you got older — your face melted.
You know what I thought about the other day? I was watching MJ walk into court. He’s got a melted face — he dresses flamboyantly, and he talks funny. I don’t think he’s a child molester. He’s a super villain looking for a midget sidekick!!!
MJ: To the laboratory, McCauley! Our plan is almost ready!
McCauley : (Playing video game) Huh?
MJ: I said, my plan is almost ready. Soon, the whole world will think I had to sell my Beetles catalogue.
McCauley: (Playing video game) Huh?
MJ: But now, when they hear it, my subliminal suggestions will guide them to buy even more Michael Jackson records!! Bwu hahahahah.
McCauley: (Playing video game) Huh?
MJ: Screw this! Do you have a brother?

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