I keep hearing all this discussion about what the Democrats have to do to make a come back and I’m like, “Hello! Who cares? They suck!”
The real question is what the Republicans have to do to keep their status as the majority party. They spent most of last century in the minority, and they’re still adjusting to what it’s like to be king of the roost. They need to say to the country, “Hey, we own this place, and that ain’t gonna change.”
So what to do? Murder, espionage, voter-fraud, appealing to the electorate – these are all old, tired ideas; we need new, 21st century ideas. And guess who has them?
Yeah, that’s right – me! And here they are:
* REMEMBER THAT YOU OWN THE PLACE: When you walk around D.C., keep in mind that you’re the majority. You own the place. You see a Democrat, you knock him down and shout, “Outta my way, biatch!” You see some store selling pro-Democrat or anti-Republican items, you smash the place up with bats. You don’t have to worry about the police; you’re the majority, and they know that. The police want to keep their pensions. Also, if reporters get in your face, punch them out. Soon press reports will be saying, “Whether you agree with Republican policies or not, you have to admit they’re badass mo’fo’s.”
* TIME TO BE EXCLUSIVE: Okay, you already are the majority, so that means you can do with less people – or at least that should be your attitude. First off, kick a prominent Republican out of the party – I say Hagel. Just announce, “We decided he isn’t good enough to be Republican, so we told him to scram.” Then people will think Republicans are this exclusive group and not just anybody can be one. To further increase that perception, no longer let people just check on their voter registration that they are a Republican; instead, administer a test where someone has to prove he or she is kickass enough to be called a Republican. Now, the Democrats will try to capitalize on this by saying, “Hey, we don’t exclude people.” But then everyone will be like, “Yeah, ’cause you suck!”
* NO MORE POLITICAL TALK SHOWS: You’re the majority party; you don’t have to explain yourself. Thus, stop appearing on political shows. Instead, make them say, “We tried to invite a Republican to get the other side of the story, but we were sent a statement that we can ‘go @#$% ourselves’ and that only a ‘@#$% ‘tard’ would disagree with them anyway.” Now people will be like, “Wow. I don’t want to be a ‘tard! I better agree with Republicans and not listen to these dumbass Democrats!” Every once in a while, a Republican can go on one of these shows, and then people will shout, “Wow! An actual Republican!” but, when it comes time for the Republican to speak, he should just say, “@#$% this,” and walk off the set.
* REPUBLICANS ONLY: Have clubs and restaurants where only people who can prove he or she is a Republican are allowed in. Now, Democrats may do the same thing, but, if you’re doing my other tips, people will just assume those other places suck.
* USE THE INTERNET: I heard about these things called the internets, and it seems like Republicans should dominate them too. I don’t know much about all that, but there’s this thing called ‘spam’ which is like messages that everyone gets. Republicans should spam people about how @#$% cool they are.
Get b1gger pen1s n0w!!!! V0t3 R3pub1c4n!!! Free pr0n!!!
- SUPPORT SPACE PROGRAMS: We have to make sure we support the space programs, because, if sentient life is found elsewhere, we need to make sure they become Republicans too. Dominating America is awesome, but ruling the entire universe is totally sweet!
- EVENTUALLY DITCH THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT: The Christian Right is useful right now because they’re friends with God, and God is like totally powerful and angry. You want that guy on your side. But, since He’s so powerful, He could turn on us at any time and there would be nothing we could do. Thus, we should start plotting with Lucifer to overthrow God. Now, Lucifer will of course turn on us, and he’ll know we know he’ll betray us, so this is tricky. But, if we can get Karl Rove established as the new supreme being, then anyone who even thinks tax cuts are bad is going to get struck by a bolt of lightning.
And that will be so cool.
When your political party has to be worshipped, you don’t have to ever worry about getting voted out. That’s the endgame, man. Republicans forever!
aaaaaahhhhhh. Classic Frank. Very, very good…
(second)
all excellent ideas–eg, why are we still trying to play nice with the Establishment Media, when we all know they are biased (bleep)s that won’t give us a break in any case? if they won’t even try (I mean, TRY) to tell the truth about Terry Schiavo, what makes anyone think they will ever bes straight about anything at all? but I do disagree with the last statement re; dropping the Christian Right. the CR {that is, people like me, 8-)} help provide a much-needed conscience and moral foundation (capitalism is good, but laissez-faire ubercapitalism ends up like Waterworld), not to mention 30-50 million voters. and the track record of political orginazations that has rejected God–Commieism, Nazism, Euroweenie Socialism, the Democrats–speaks for itself.
…administer a test where someone has to prove he or she is kickass enough to be called a Republican. Now, the Democrats will try to capitalize on this by saying, “Hey, we don’t exclude people.” But then everyone will be like, “Yeah, ’cause you suck!”
COFFEE… NOSE… PAIN!
Man, funny. I’m glad I’m a Republican (and can indeed prove that I am kickass enough).
Last June, Dick Cheney got the ball rolling when he told Leahy to “go @$#^%” himself on the Senate floor. I’ve been trying to emulate ‘the Master’ ever since.
F*** Lucifer, he can stand in line to kiss my ass on the county square.
The democrats suck because this is their present gameplan, Frank. I thought the obvious was … obvious.
One week without JP the Great and you’re on the hot rails to hell already.
I don’t see why we don’t start rounding up all the people the liberals say we are going to. And put them in camp. We can say, hey it was the liberals’ idea!
I walk the streets of DC myself on occasion. At least if I take the subway into town. It would be great to strut around as an open Republican, kicking Democrats and muggers in the nads. Sadly, only the muggers seem to have nads. And guns.
Hmmm… good thing the Democrats hate guns, on second thought.
Funny Frank.
You tip-toed along a line and played it nicely.
We get free pron!? Sweet!
Frank, you’ve got to make the “How Kickass Are You: Republican Test” for another post. Like multiple choice or something. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!
Or, wait, better yet: make a multiple choice section, a true/false section, a fill in the blank section (with or without a wordbank), and a couple of essay questions.
Frank, I agree with you on almost everything and I’m considering adopting you and Sarah. My only point of contention is your use of the expression “‘tard”. My daughter is developmentally challenged(mentally retarded) and even she’s not stupid enough to vote for a Democrat, provided that she could. (I’m sure she has more common sense than most Democrats in party leadership positions.) I’m lobbying that instead of saying “Chuck Hagel/John McCain/Chris Shays/Barney Frank, etc. is a freakin’ ‘tard, we change it to “…..is such a ‘crat.”
Just a suggestion….
Only one problem Frank, as a Christian, I am telling God on you. Now yer gonna get it!!!
“I don’t see why we don’t start rounding up all the people the liberals say we are going to. And put them in camp. We can say, hey it was the liberals’ idea!”
HA! brilliant, spacemonkey!
…First off, kick a prominent Republican out of the party – I say Hagel….
Please. Oh, Please. Oh, Pretty Please. Let it be McCain first.
I’ve been voting against the guy (libertarians only) for so long, it makes my head spin. Why can’t Arizona have a libertarian-Republican like Barry Goldwater rather than the douche-bag we have now?
It has to be Hagel. C’mon, AZ at least has the grand canyon. Nebraska has miles and miles of corn, cattle, and wheat. Oh, and a replica of stonehenge made of cars painted gray. We are good people, but we look bad. Our Democratic senator looks more conservative than our Republican. Hagel must go!!!!
McCain, Snow, Chafee … and especially than uber-RINO from PA!!!
It was good, it went far enough, and then it went too far.
From the CUG
http://www.theconservativeuawguy.blogspot.com
Reasons America Kicks-Ass
1. Because God, and his kid ol’ what’s-his-name are on our side (no thanks to liberals)
(Sorry, Jesus! Just kidding!) Thunder rumbles…..
2. We created Elvis. Top that Canada; and no, Bryan Adams doesn’t count.
3. We invented cruise missles and nukes, and have more than anyone else. Yee-Haw!
4. Discovered electricity to run computers and keep beer cold.
5. Guns, guns, guns!!!
6. Perfected the art of saving the world. You’re welcome, World! 🙂
7. We have Ann Coulter.
8. We’re the only Super-Power! (Shouldn’t we have a cape or something?)
9. We’re not France.
10. We’re not France. (Sorry, that one just really tickles me.)
11. We’re not France. (Sorry… last time. I just don’t get tired of hearing that!)
12. France hates us. Hooray!!
13. Tax cuts, tax cuts, tax cuts!!!
14. I’ve got one word for you – Ronald Wilson Reagan
Hard to argue with #7, or even #s 9 thru 12. But there at the bottom of the current list is the key to the kingdom, i.e., Ronald Wilson Reagan: “How about this” We win, and they lose.” Take that, SunTzu! Liebfraumilch, Herr Clauswitz! ‘Hay un hacha en me cabesa!’, Senor Pancho Villa!