Based on The Beach Boys’ “California Girls”

♫  ♫

Well, the East Coast girls are sick
(Don’t really dig those masks they wear)
And the Southern girls with coronavirus
Knock me out when I’m “down there”. . .

The Midwest farmer’s daughters really keep six feet away at sight
And the Northern girls, outside of the Walmart,
They keep their boyfriends warned at night

♫  ♫

I wish they all could be telephoning
I wish they all could be telephoning
I wish they all could be telephoning-girls

♫  ♫

The West Coast has Pelosi
And the girls all get so scammed;
I dig a French bikini on Hawaiian mafiosi:
And the stay-in-house on her command

It’s been all around this great big world
And they’ve screened all kinds of girls
Yeah, but I couldn’t wait to get back to the States
Back to the therapeutics of the world

♫  ♫

I wish they all could be teleporting
I wish they all could be teleporting
I wish they all could be teleporting girls

Yeah,
I wish they all could be telephoning
(Not like the flu)
I wish they all could be telephoning
(Or the bird flu, and)
I wish they all could be telephoning
(Or the swine flu)
I wish they all could be California
(Or like Ebola, yeah . . . )

♫  ♫

♫ ♫
(Month Two – Three – Four!)

Well, she was just quarantined
And you know what I mean
And the way we hooked up was way beyond pressing “Share”
A long-distance dance with another?
Well, I saw her stranded there.

Well, she’d looked up me
On Skype, I could see,
And before too long I fell in love with her

Now, she’s Wuhan-free, like her mother
(Whew!)
But I saw her stranded there.

♫ ♫

Well, Sweetheart used Zoom
From that sweet little room
I beheld her video box in mine…

Whoah,
We romanced through the night
Through the monitor’s lonely light . . .
And before too long I fell in love with her

Now I’ll never “Follow” any other
(Or few)
Since I saw her stranded there.

♫ ♫

Well, I saw her hits [PG]
And it gave me fits:
Then I beheld her friends online…

Whoah!
This chance of delight
Had turned into fright
And before too long I started getting spammed ~ ~ ~

Now I’ll never “Allow” any other
(Save a few)
Since I saw her scamming there.

♫ ♫

♩♩♪

I’m sitting in the railway station

Not getting to my destination
Mmmmmmm


Amateur at six-foot stance
My soap and my Purell in hand
At every stop I take my chance
Forfeiting all, because it’s banned

Home-bound
:
I washed and I was

Home-bound.

Home
Thoughts of escaping

Home
Where my music’s playing

Home
But the whole world’s waiting

Virulently for me

♩♩♪

Keeping with the song parodies.

“It Only Takes A Minute”
[Apologies to Tavares]

Ah, ha
Yeah, yeah
Ah, ha, yeah

Now for 24 hours of the day
We have to put our fun away
Not walk the streets, we live in fear
Until we get the word we’re in the clear

Now with this Wuhan flu attack
For 30 days we’re in the “Hack”
Through the night we want to dance
But baby we can’t take the chance

It only takes a minute, girl
to get infected, get infected
It only takes a minute, girl
to get infected, to get infected

Ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh

Now we got unemployment lines
We spend our life readin’ Covid signs
Hoping to prevent an intubation
They keep us all day in isolation

Now winter’s turning into spring
And our economy’s a broken thing.
[The economy’s a broken thing]
So baby, 6 feet apart we gotta stand
‘Cause we never know what’s on our hands, yeah

It only takes a minute, girl
to get infected, get infected
It only takes a minute, girl
to get infected, we’ll get infected

Bom, bom, bom, bom, get infected
Bom, bom, bom, bom, get infected
Bom, bom, bom, bom, get infected
Bom, bom, bom, bom, get infected
Bom, bom, bom, bom, get infected
Bom, bom, bom, bom, get infected

It only takes a minute, girl
to get infected, get infected
It only takes a minute, girl
to get infected, to get infected

(To the tune of the Beatles’ “Glass Onion”)

Surpassed Onion

♩♩♪

I told you about extraordinary flu, man
(You know that “novel” means that it’s news, man)
Now here’s another place you can’t go
‘Cause everyone knows —

Talking to someone can kill them!
Let’s all see how the Third World lives:
Let’s live as though we’re in The Onion.

They told you about the virus on TV, man:
You know you’re standing too close to me, man
Well here’s another clue for you scribes —
A virus subsides.

Looking through a facemask, oh yeah
Lately Madonna’s trying to make a scene, yeah
(As many layers as an onion)
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah . . .
Looks as though we’ve surpassed The Onion.

♩♩♪

I told you about the folks on the Hill
I tell you, if there’s a way there’s a will,
Well here’s another place we might be:
The Babylon Bee

Fixing a hole in the ozone
Suddenly doesn’t seem to have much point
As poignant as today’s Onion.

♩♩♪

(To the tune of the Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”)

Loosely on the Side of Biden

♩♩♪

Picture yourself in the boat of the liberals
With damage control for manifest lies:
Certainly galls you to answer to Pelosi
And Schiff with his gyroscope eyes

Sell out the followers of Bern and the Greens
Now you’re in over your head!
Look for the girls who were all Warren teens
And they’re gone.

Loosely on the Side of Biden
Loosely on the Side of Biden
Loosely on the Side of Biden

Ah

Try to discount all the things Joe is spouting
Like “Rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies!”
Everyone smiles as he drifts and his followers
Get so incredibly high.

Newspaper lackies appear by the score
Waiting to fake it away
But Joe’s in the back, with his head in their hair,
And they’re gone.

Loosely on the Side of Biden
Loosely on the Side of Biden
Loosely indecisive, like Biden

Ah

Picture for yourself all the strange dedication
For plastic reporters with Harvard class ties
Suddenly something is said by their idol
A whole new moronic surprise

Loosely on the Side of Biden
Loosely on the Side of Biden
Loosely on the Side of Biden

Ah

♩♩♪

Twice Brillo’ed was his nacho plate

A microcosm, yet somehow . . . 

A whimsy on the current state
Of our united states right now:

“Beware the job and work, my son!

The law that bites, the cause that frights!

Beware the media and shun

Those covetous of your rights!”

He took puerile Purell in hand –
Longtime the maximum germophobe –
So rested he ’til quarter to three,

And Skyped in his bathrobe.

He had stand-offish thoughts, and yet,

The job and work, through isolation,

Came whisking through the internet.

He burbled in frustration!

“Achoo! Achoo! It’s true!! It’s true!!”

A viral cascade on his snacks!
He left his bed, went to the head,

And came harrumphing back.

“And hast thou slaved at job and work?

Come to me, non-essential boy!

O hazard pay! Oil of Olay!”

He chortled, still employed.

Twice Brillo’ed was his nacho plate

A micro-chasm, and yet somehow

A whimsy on the current state
Of our united states just now.

Self-Quarantine Forever

♩♩♪

Should we let it take Hugh Downs?
‘Cause it’s going to.
That’s how it feels:
Nothing is real.
And nothing but Wuhan about.
Self-quarantine feels forever.

Living is queasy, as we know,
Misunderstanding Wikipedia.
It’s letting them hoard T.P., Ah yes,
But it all works out:
It doesn’t matter much to the media.

Will it take Hugh Downs?
You know it’s going to.
That’s how it feels:
Nothing is real.
And nothing but Wuhan about
Self-quarantine feels forever.

No one I know has high fever
I mean, it must be high or low.
That is, what won’t do them in
Is all right
That is, I think, it’s not too bad.

Let us take Hugh Downs —
‘Cause it’s going to.
That’s how it feels.
“Statistics are real.”
And nothing but Wuhan’s about
Self-quarantine feels forever.

Always know sometimes
What you know is just in Dems’ dreams:
“Trump thinks … er, no, I mean, — er, yes …
But it’s all wrong —
That is, I think I disagree.”

So it’ll take Hugh Downs?
Yes, it’s going to.
That’s how it feels:
Nothing is real.
And nothing but Wuhan about.

So:

Self-quarantine forever.
Self-quarantine forever.
Self-quarantine forever.

♩♩♪

(Sung to the tune of the Rolling Stones’ “19th Nervous Breakdown” — but I hope it wasn’t necessary to say that.)

Covid-19 Nervous Breakdown

♩♩♪

You’re the kind of person you meet at certain ten-or-less affairs
Avoiding taters and elevators, greeting only empty stairs
Well, it seems to me too much TV will fill you up with fear
And you’ve been advised not to wipe your eyes, even though they’re full of tears

You better stop, look around
Here it comes,
Here it comes,
Here it comes,
Here it comes:
Here comes your Covid-19 Nervous Breakdown

When you were a child you were immunized
But never for this strain
And given pills for fever and chills but never those in your brain
Your mother who neglected the flu owes a million explanations
And your father’s still protecting you from waves of immigration

You better stop, look around
Here it comes,
Here it comes,
Here it comes,
Here it comes:
Here comes your Covid-19 Nervous Breakdown

Oh, who’s to blame? The world’s just insane
Well nothing they do don’t seem to work
It only seems to make matters worse, oh please

When you were still in school you were just a tool and they really messed your mind
They were so concerned that all you learned were words like “peoplekind”
And your first job I always hoped would rearrange your mind
But after a while I realized it was a disease of its own kind

You better stop, look around
Here it comes,
Here it comes,
Here it comes,
Here it comes:
Here comes your Covid-19 Nervous Breakdown

Oh, who’s to blame? The world’s just insane
Well nothing they do don’t seem to work
It only seems to make matters worse, oh please

♩♩♪

(To the tune of Billy Joel’s “For The Longest Time”)

Social Distance Time

♩♩♪

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Social Distance Crime (“Time”)
Oh, oh, oh
Doing Social Distance time . . .

If you said “gesund” to my “heit”
Panic would ensue from left to right
But what can I do?
Sit by the fire by you?
That hasn’t happened for the longest time.

Once I thought that common sense was gone
While this weary wariness goes on
That’s when you found me
And you put your arms around me:
They haven’t been there for the longest time.

Oh, oh, oh, oh
They say it’s wrong this time
Oh, oh, oh
They say it’s wrong but . . .

I’m that guy who’s sipping from a straw
In the greatest bending of the law
But you were so sweet
And now you’re within six feet
That hasn’t happened for the longest time!

Maybe I’ve been cooped up too long
You look so light-headed
I could be wrong.
Maybe we’ve been coping too much
We’ve gone too long;
I long for your touch.

Who knows how much farther we must spread?
I’d get closer contact when I’m dead.
I’ll take my chances
I can’t forget those nice slow dances
We haven’t done that for the longest time.

I had secondary symptoms at the start
I said to myself
“A cold; stay apart.”
But I can’t ignore the woman that you are —
Too wonderful, too far —
And that’s more they can ask for.

I don’t care what consequence it brings
I have run afoul of greater things
I know it’s so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time!

♩♩♪

♫

I look at you, Wall, see the numbers there leaping
While my catarrh gently weeps
I wipe down the door, and I’m feverishly sweeping,
While my catarrh gently weeps

I don’t know why we weren’t protected
They were expected to
I don’t know how much you suspected
When they neglected you

I look at the world’s virtue-signal condemnings
While my catarrh gently weeps
With all these missed steaks we must surely be lemmings
While my catarrh gently weeps

I don’t know why nobody told you
What the controlled should do:
I just know how much they tried to blindfold you,
And let Greta scold you . . .

♫