Ted Kennedy Jokes

Frank J., despite having a wicked sense of humor, has class. Or as close to what passes for class when it comes to bloggers.

He was no fan of the Edward Moore Kennedy, late of Massachusetts. But, when he got word of Kennedy’s death, he wrote a post where he encouraged his readers to “try to have good memories about (Kennedy) right now. … And try and think of something nice to say about Ted for the comments (no joke).”

While Frank J. decided to allow for kind words about the late Senator, I have no such class.

I heard many say “let’s think about his family.” Well, how far do you go with that? Do you offer condolences to the family of Baitullah Mehsud? Of course not.

And, no, I’m not saying Kennedy was as bad as a Taliban leader. But I think we agree there’s a line. On one side of the line, you put things aside and offer condolences to the family. On the other side of the line, you wonder why they lived as long as they did. Kennedy’s on the “lived too long” side of the line.

But I didn’t intend this to be a rant about how bad of a person Ted Kennedy was. Instead, I offer the other side of Frank’s post: He asked for kind words. I’m asking for Ted Kennedy jokes.

And I’ll start.

But first, here’s the background on this Ted Kennedy joke. I heard it in either July or August, 1969. I had just turned 11, and this was one of the first “naughty” limericks I heard. Shortly after the Chappaquiddick incident, someone shared this with me:

There once was a Senator from Mass.
Who wanted a new piece of a**
He lucked up and found her
He f**ked up and drowned her
Now his chance to be president has passed

If you have a joke about Ted Kennedy, let’s hear it. If it has any naughty words, do clean them up, if possible, or censor them, as I did above.

Bring ’em on.

Trading Politicians


It won’t be long.


Just a few hours now, Mortimer.


The wager is not to be settled until the inauguration, Randolph.


Mortimer, you’ve resisted paying up for 11 weeks. Admit it: we were able to have a completely unqualified person elected President of the United States.


The wager was for an unqualified person to actually become president. And, until the actual inauguration, he hasn’t become president.


It’s a done deal, Mortimer. I cannot believe you are being so petty and are continuing to refuse your obligation.


Randolph, I have always been a man who said exactly what he means, and means exactly what he says. The wager was for someone with no qualifications to become the president, and when he becomes the president — if he becomes the president — I will pay the assumed debt gladly.


Two and a half months of your stubborness have taken the fun out of all this, Mortimer.


Well, then, Randolph, let’s make it interesting. What say we place another wager … and make it double or nothing?


That’s most irregular, Mortimer. But, I must admit: I am intrigued.


There is the Senate seat in New York that needs to be filled.


I beg your pardon, Mortimer, but Mrs. Clinton is still a Senator.


But we lined it up for her to be Secretary of State.


We actually planned on her being McCain’s Secretary of State. It was to be another one of his gracious concessions to the left.


Yes, we were fortunate that Biden picked Vice-President. However, everything we lined up for Hillary worked out despite Obama’s election.


Still, she isn’t Secretary of State. Not yet. And still may not be. We can’t let up now, Mortimer.


We’ve been successful in nearly every endeavor so far, Randolph. That one bit of unpleasantness with Winthorpe and Valentine, but overall, we have a very high success rate.


So, Mortimer, what is your wager?


That within one month … by February 20th … Caroline Kennedy will be a United States Senator.


What? You must be joking, Mortimer. There is no way that someone with no qualifications, with no political experience, would ever become a United States Senator!


Randolph, your memory is failing. We managed to have Hillary Clinton, who had no qualifications whatsoever, elected Senator.


We had to force Rudy Giuliani out of the race for it to happen.


We also had Barack Obama elected Senator.


He had served in the State Legislature, though. True, he had no accomplishments, other than some shady property deals. But we forced Jack Ryan out of the race, paving the way for Obama.


Don’t forget that Obama, with no qualifications, won the presidency. So, what makes you think that qualifications mean anything?


I see your point. The bet’s off.