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March 31, 2004
Caption Contest Winner and Other Announcements
I thought the entries for the caption contest were a little weak this go around. I guess cats at gunpoint or holding guns bring out the creative juices better. I liked my own entry pretty well; I can't believe no one else thought of the South Park episode where Cartman introduced the concept of "RoShamBo". Still, simplicity won the day, the one that produced the biggest chuckle being an old one from the schoolyard:
Welcome to Bangkok
Congratulation to Neo. I don't have any prize idea for him, but everyone congratulate him the comments section.
I've gotten a lot of e-mails about the military, and they’re mainly jokes bashing different branches. That's cool, though, and I think I might want to do a regular feature of it as I love learning more about military culture and I’m sure a lot of others do. I'll put up more tomorrow, and keep e-mailing me more jokes or your descriptions of a military branch (and make the subject "Military" to help me organize). And, I haven’t gotten to many jokes at the expense of the Marines so far (and I know there is a ton). Remember, even though a military joke may have been old back when George Washington said it, it's probably new to us civilians.
Finally, I'll have an update over the weekend on the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. I'm leaning back towards not needing an IMAO t-shirt to qualify (but wear something; this is a family site).
The Limey - Episode VII: Lime Another Day
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
* * * *
In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. As always, swears as a noun have been replaced with "ronin", as has the word "redneck." F'ing, when an adjective, has been replaced with "dishonorable". When it's an adverb, it has been replaced with "crazy-cool". F'd up has been replaced with "wacky-smacky". The f-word as a verb has been replaced with "I challenge". The s-word has been replaced with "diddly-doo". Also, Rage Against the Machine lyrics have been edited to make them less ragey.
It's been weeks since The Limey tried to crack the ignorant, redneck, American Frank, and he spent that time in thoughtful silence, contemplating exactly how to attack his nemesis as he ate his crumpets and drank his tea. Finally, he decided the time was right, and went to his keyboard to give his venom substance:
Well ronin it's been over two weeks since I last emailed you to challenge the cancer that is capitalism. I bet you thought I wasn't going to reply didn't you, ronin! Yeah, well here I am you ronin I'm good at surprising people. It's not difficult to surprise a right-wing lunatic like you - you're so stupid! Do you think I'm going to fall for those emails you've been sending me about Swiss bank accounts? I'm too moral to fall for that, ronin. You wanted to see if I'm a hypocrite didn't you. Well I'm not!
American Frank carefully reads the long e-mail, constantly losing attention and staring at shiny things. Finally, he slowly pecks out a response. Has the limey finally broken the ignorant backwoodsman into full rage? Only his response will answer that question:
Limey! Man, I missed you! I'm so surprised! I had just finished the knot on my noose, and then here comes the limey to brighten my day!
Will The Limey continue undaunted, or will American Frank's carefully chosen music lyrics show him the light. Will American Frank finally break down and become a Rage Against the Machine fan? Find out in the next episode of...
I'm the answer to part of Derbyshire's brainteaser today (sort of, I'll be x for part of x^2 and then turn x+1 in June of x^2). What year was I born? (ahh, anyone paying attention already knows that)
Can anyone find a positive to the third part of his brainteaser? I couldn't on a quick scan through.
BTW, I also like his engineer joke today. There's been a debate in The Corner on whether engineers are generally liberal, and I sent an e-mail to Jonah Goldbeg telling him that not only am I an engineer and a conservative, I'm going to steal his job.
In My World: Campaign Preparations
On a sunny morning, hundreds of people surrounded Karl Rove's house. "Karl Rove doesn't have a soul!" they started to chant, but then the sky darkened.
"That's not a rain cloud," one of the protestors slowly observed, "It's... LOCUSTS!"
The protestors screamed in terror as the bugs swarmed them.
"Ahh! Boils!" yelled another.
The front door to Rove's abode swung open. At the entryway stood the cloaked figure of Karl Rove.
"Are you coming out to listen to us?" asked one of the protestors hopefully as he ducked the insects.
"Die!" Rove shouted as he shot lightning from his fingertips.
* * * *
"How was you morning, Rover?" Bush asked as Karl Rove sat down at the meeting table.
"Our concern is the campaign," Rove answered.
"Right-o," Bush answered, "I'm making sure we have things together to fight that stupid John Kerry. You should see his new commercial."
Bush turned on the T.V., and on screen was John Kerry. "Hi, I'm Senator Kerry," he said in a very haughty, French-like way, "and I'm a man of the people. Isn't that true, Jeeves?"
"Whatever you say, sir," Kerry's butler answered.
"Some may not like how I keep mentioning how I was active in the unpopular war in Vietnam, but I would like you to know that I served in Vietnam... before I served against it."
A picture of Kerry the Vietnam protestor appeared on screen.
"That's just how nuanced I am, and nuance is a good thing. If you're smart, you'd know that."
The end graphic then appeared saying, "John Kerry 2004: His positions on issues are whatever you think they are."
"I just got a great new ad out today, though, in response," Bush said as he hit a button on the remote.
On screen was Governor Schwarzenegger seated at a desk. "I am Arnold!" he screamed. "John Kerry is puny! Bush will crush him! You will vote for Bush or you are puny! I will crush you!" He then knocked over his desk. "I am Arnold!"
The end graphic then appeared saying, "George W. Bush 2004: I am Arnold!"
"I liked his enthusiasm," Dick Cheney remarked, "but we might want to rethink that a little."
"What about my ad idea?" Rumsfeld asked.
"The one where you threaten that after the election you’ll bomb any state that hadn't given its electoral votes to Bush?" Condoleezza Rice asked.
"I don't think that's such a good idea," Rove uttered.
"We could bomb Massachusetts now to show we're serious," Rumsfeld suggested.
"That's not really the issue, Rummy," Bush told him softly, "See, you come off as a little harsh."
"Who thinks that?" Rumsfeld demanded, "I'll kill them!"
"See, that the problem," Bush continued, "You need to tone the violence down... and no more strangling."
"Hey, sometimes I squeeze my hands together," Rumsfeld said defensively, "If someone happens to put his neck between them at the time, that's his problem."
"We really need to make you appear kindler and gentler," Bush asserted, "I know I just joked about it at the Radio and Television Correspondents Association Dinner, but would you consider appearing on an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?"
The Secret Service was able to grab Rumsfeld just in time before he completely leaped across the table and got his hands around Bush's neck. After he was dragged out, the meeting continued. "It is important for everyone to be on their best behavior," Rove intoned, "That especially goes for John Ashcroft."
"Yeah, whatcha been up ta, Ash?" Bush asked.
"Well, golly gosh, let me think," Ashcroft said, "Today we found two suspicious looking people - yep, quite suspicious they were - and then we declared them enemy combatants and threw them down a dark hole, we did. Then we forgot where that hole was, by golly."
"Be careful with stuff like that," Bush said, "We don't want people saying we're abusing civil rights before the election. And make sure you keep the ATF under control."
"Jeepers, I've been doing my best on that," Ashcroft responded, "I even have the head of the ATF, Psycho Stan, here to tell us how relaxed he's been."
"I ain't killed no one in three hours," Psycho Stan said, "I don't like this. I liked that other Attorney General, Reno, better; now there was a man who let us kill and burn stuff."
"No excessive violence," Bush commanded.
Psycho Stan growled and then stood up. "I need to get going."
"Not to kill people and burn down buildings, right?" Bush asked.
"Always asking me questions," Psycho Stan grumbled as he walked out of the room while chambering a round in his handgun.
"So what's next?" Bush mused aloud.
"There is the impending testimony of the one known as Condoleezza," Rove answered.
"Yeah, Condi, you have to do a good job with your testimony before the 9/11 commission," Bush told her, "They didn't appreciate your videotaped testimony."
"Why?" Condi asked innocently.
* * * *
"Yeah, that pretty much confirms it; it's just five minutes of her giving us the finger."
* * * *
"They said it was 'disrespectful'," Bush answered, "and we'll need you to do some commercials for the campaign because it will really help to have a minority woman in some."
"Uh, hello," Elaine Chao interrupted.
"What?" Bush asked.
"I'm also a minority woman."
Bush laughed and rolled his eyes. "Asian isn't a minority." He then whispered to Laura was seated next to him, "Who is she?"
"She's your Secretary of Labor, dear."
"Oh, I thought she was my dry cleaner," Bush chuckled.
"I heard that, you racist bastard!" Chao shouted.
Bush put his hands in front of his face protectively. "It was an honest mistake! Don't use your ninjitsu on me!"
"Argh!" Chao shouted before storming out of the room.
"Is it possible we can have Bush not talk anymore before the election?" Cheney asked Rove.
"Unfortunately, there are the debates," Rove answered.
"And, if the questions are too hard, I can't just fake a heart attack like you," Bush said derisively to Cheney.
"I don't need to fake one," Cheney answered indignantly.
"Let's see," Bush mused aloud, "Who else could do commercials."
"Could I do one?" Scott McClellan asked.
"If you're good, I'll let you get coffee for the stagehands," Bush answered. He then looked to Colin Powell. "Some of the left like you because you're a wuss. Maybe you could do some commercials, but Condi will hurt you if you step too far out of line."
"It's not that I step out of line," Powell said, "so much as I add multiple facets to... AHHH!"
Condi twisted Powell's arm behind his back. "Yeah, she'll hurt you like that," Bush said.
"What we need our more commercials with your wife," Rove stated, "It appeals to families and the weak hearted."
"I'm going to have to ask for a raise then," Laura said.
"But honey!" Bush whined.
"I've seen your war chest," Laura answered, "You can afford it." She then turned to Rove. "And, I don't know who writes these things, but can you give my husband easier words to say than ' entrepreneurial'?"
"You're embarrassing me," Bush squealed.
"I'm just looking out for your interests, dear."
Powell made a whipping sound.
"Ahh... even Colin is making fun of me," Bush groaned.
"I think we have a good start for the campaign for your reelection," Rove stated, "The elders will be pleased."
"And, if things aren't working out," Bush said, "There is always the All-Purpose Plan B."
"No rap music video!" Cheney shouted, and then grumbled to himself, "Idiot."
March 30, 2004
Testing New Logo...
1... 2... 3...
Now that I've done it, it seems so obvious. Why didn't one of you suggest this before?
Originally, as my logo, I wanted a dolphin leaping out of water and getting struck by lightning, but I couldn't make the image work.
Anyhoo, I have such great posts lined up for tomorrow that I wish I were you guys so I could read them and be surprised at their comic genius. Great to get them done too, because now I can watch my 24 in peace...
I Do Not Find You Funny, Eh
From a Canadian (who helpfully censored himself):
Fu*k You!!!! Canada is by far the better country. You must be jealous you are not from God's country. LOSER!
Please stop using America's internet. We have lots of important business to do here, and Canadians simply are using up this important resource. Please spend more attention to the meese that are rampaging through your town.
Anyway, The Limey will be on tomorrow afternoon with an In My World™ in the morning. See ya then.
The Air Force by Wacky Hermit
Here's a description I got of the Air Force from Wacky Hermit of Organic Baby Farm:
A few facts you should be aware of, should you decide to write an Air Force character into the In My World series:
Sounds like the Army need to respond to this one.
By the way, my grandfather on my mother's side served in the Army Air Corps during World War II in a B-17 bomber and then later served in the Air Force when it came about (he was career military).
We civilians would certainly love more descriptions of branches of the military form the horse's mouth, so keep e-mailing them to me. I'll print the best ones.
You Seem Perturbed...
This picture from AP is just calling for a caption contest:
Seems symbolic of the Democrats and Bush when the Democrat primary was heated with Bush bashing but Bush didn't respond.
BTW, I once went to a martial arts seminar where I learned to focus my chi to take blows like that. I was able to take a full punch to the stomach and throat just fine, but I wasn't very good at taking the groin kick. That is not a fun thing to practice when you aren't doing it well (bounce on your heels... bounce on your heels...)
Anyhoo, caption away in the comments section. Winner gets to gloat how he or she is the winner... and maybe something else if I'm feeling generous.
Fan Club Update
Jennifer has buttons for my fan club. I like the one with the gun...
Anyway, I think a button depicting a 1911 handgun and a katana would better represent me. As soon as I have good buttons, I'll put up prominent links to my two fan clubs.
There is now a sign up sheet at Frank J. Fan Club number one! Sign up now to show your support!
Someone mentioned before that we should have secret decoder rings. I have an even better idea: the only provably secure encryption - one time pad. To people who sign up, I'll send you your pads and then put up a secret message for Frank J. fans once or so a week telling you which pad to use to decrypt it. Any compromise in security will be dealt with harshly and then new pads will be issued.
Finally, I still need to come up with a great topic to write a column to unseat Goldberg - one topical but not too topical - so you fans should work on that. When I break my way into legitimate political punditry and become rich and famous, there will be a party for all Frank J. fan club charter members on my yacht. BYOB.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Bush is Moving on Up, Ketchup Boycott, British Terror, You Got Me, New (Well, Old) Logo, and Electrocuted Monkeys
* Bush Go Up: Yay! Bush is gaining in the polls since people have started to learn that John Kerry sucks. This was inevitable as more people would hear Kerry talk. His haughty frenchness causes people to retch and vote Republican.
The CW is that this is going to be a close election, but I want a blow out. Then I'm going to Democratic Underground and imagine everyone's heads exploding.
* Ketchup on Our Hands: A reader Adam suggest boycotting Heinz to fight the John Kerry machine. That's a tough call. Heinz is the ketchup, and I went to college in Pittsburgh where Heinz is one of the last industries there since the steel left. Still, each time we put that blood-like condiment on our burgers, we could be putting money into the hands of Kerry's wife which might then be taken by John Kerry himself. Is moving to catsup the only option to stop John Kerry and his evil plans of evil? And what about French's mustard? Will that be taken as implicit support of Kerry?
Politics is hard. I'm going to stick to eating jellybeans to show my support of Reagan.
UPDATE: The Heinz company denies involvement with John Kerry.
* Explosions... Again: James Bond foiled a terrorist plot and found tons of explosives in the UK. Stupid terrorists; don't they have any terror ideas that don't involve explosions? Like, they could secretly put potholes in our roads at night.
"You will continue to see potholes infidels, unless you surrender to Islam and throw all your Jews into the sea... except for that Seinfeld guy; he makes us laugh."
* Testify!: Senators are still demanding for Condoleezza Rice to openly testify for the 9/11 hearings. I bet this is all strategery on her part to hype her testimony for when she finally gives in. Then her testimony will be so testacular that it will blow everyone away. And Richard Clarke will commit seppuku in disgrace while everyone turns against the Clinton administration and lynches them all.
Or, at least, that's my political prediction. Everyone has their own.
UPDATE: My prediciton is coming true so far...
* You Got Me I: A lot of you e-mailed me about Clinton's ninja plan for terrorism, and, okay, you got me. I was a foreign policy advisor for the Clinton administration. You happy now? None of my ideas were ever used though, not even the preemptive strike against monkeys.
* The Loser Club: At Jonah "Lame-o" Goldberg's Fan Club, Eric is taunting me because he thinks he can win Derbyshire's support with a silly t-shirt. Bah! I'm now linked at Derbyshire's homepage. Not even Jonah can say that. He's going down!
* Logo Idea: For my fans (the smarter, cooler, more attractive fans) to discuss, I was thinking of making this the logo of IMAO:
* You Got Me II: Fine. You got me again. I have a secret lab in Japan. And no, I won't tell you what goes on there.
* Bushido: A man in the U.K. was sentenced to prison for stabbing an armed attacker to death with a samurai sword (what the story leaves out is that the guy with the sword is a drug dealer and stabbed the man in the back). Sometimes I almost wish guns were banned just so I would have to rely on a katana as defense. Right now, it just ain't practical for me when I have the shotgun and handguns in easy reach. Such is modern life.
* Monkey News I: The Commie Chinese not only have a monkey king, but he is going to sully the national pastime of baseball. War!
* Monkey News II: Solution to monkey problem: don't insulate your electrical wires. Then, as they jump from tree to tree, God will take care of them. God's cool.
* Victory Is Mine!: Instapundit now correctly links to IMAO again. That reminds me: I haven't been doing much with The Alliance as of late. I still plan on turning them into a giant media conglomerate to rival all others, but I'll need to delegate more.
* More Coming: Big posting tomorrow as I'll have a new In My World™ plus the new The Limey letter and response (as long as I get it all done before the return of 24 tonight). Also, I'll have a few more posts today when I have time. Later, mo'fo's.
March 29, 2004
The next episode of The Limey will be delayed until Wednesday at the latest because it's a long e-mail worth of a long response. It will be worth the wait, I promise.
I got a great description of the Air Force from someone in the know, and I was about to print it but realized I didn't correctly copy it all from the e-mail which I'll have to correct when I get home. I'd love some descriptions of the other branches of the military from people with experience (and no gratuitous branch bashing - not that anyone would ever think of doing that). I'll put up the description of the Air Force tomorrow so you know what I'm looking for.
I have a new advertiser selling cards with 52 reasons why Bush should be reelected. As a Frank J. fan, you must check them out.
I also received a True Patriot award from PatriotBlog.com. I like awards. Someone should give me a "Better than Jonah Goldberg Award".
Speaking of that, my fan clubs should come up with a way for people to sign up as fans of Frank J. (and then pad the number of sign ups so it’s a big number). I'll soon have marching orders for my fans. These will be the best fan clubs ever!
...and the ones most advantageous to me! Muh ha ha ha!
Frank Solutions for Terrorism
It's easy to point out the problems of terrorism, but it's harder to offer real solutions. But I, Frank J., being so smart and not particularly engaged by the Sunday T.V. lineup, have decided to finally solve terrorism once and for all. With these innovative ideas, we can live in a terrorist free world and eat our Chunky Monkey ice cream in peace.
* The Easy One: Kill them. Dead terrorists don't commit terror... at least not in this world. Maybe they sometime sneak out of hell and plant bombs in Heaven; I don't know, and frankly that's not my problem. I just hope they have a good angel of Heavenland Security.
* Education: If terrorists are educated that the West is neato keen, they won't want to kill us. How to get them to listen, you ask?
Shut up! No talking during my posts!
Anyway, people always listen if you point a gun at them. So educate evil terroristy people at gunpoint. You can use the laser sight of the gun as a laser pointer. Just don't wave your gun around too much, because it's distracting.
Some terrorists, such as the leaders, may be too educated. Force-feed them paint chips.
* Do the Reading: Apparently many terrorists are Islamic, and they support their killing with passages in the Koran. Anyone check that out and see what that says? Might be useful.
* Vigilantism: There are terrorists hiding in America, so let's encourage Americans to find them. All Americans should be empowered to beat up whoever seems terroristy to them. This may lead to some unjust beatings, but, as long as it's not me, I don't care.
* Biased Media: One of the reasons so many people hate America and Jews in the Middle East is because the evil dictators rule the media. We can secretly take over the media and tell them that America is rich and powerful because it's just so much better than their country and that Jews are great people whom they should hug.
Problem is, we need the leaders to think their evil media is still being broadcast. That way, they'll be all surprised when their people lynch them. And then, we should get pictures of them being surprised because people looking surprised is funny.
* Good 'Ole Blasphemy: What's happens in that Mecca place? They won't let in non-Muslims, so I don't know. There's this covered thing at the center which they say is some structure, but I suspect it to be concealing nuclear weapons. We need to invade Mecca and check it out.
Some may say this will anger more Muslims against us, but hey, women driving angers Muslims in Saudi Arabia. If we're going to anger them anyway, we might as well go the full monty.
* The Big Man: Many terrorists say they take orders from this one called "Allah". We need to hunt him down and stop him, thus taking out who gives the Islamic extremist terrorist their marching orders and leaving them extremely disorganized. Some say Allah's location is in Paradise surrounded by dark-eyed virgins, while others place him somewhere in the mountains that border Pakistan.
* Bomb France: Let's show we are so resolved against terrorism that we will not only treat those who comfort terrorists like terrorists themselves, but will also treat those who appease terrorists like terrorists themselves. Plus, I don't like France. Also, terrorist say they want to attack France over the headscarf ban, so maybe we'll steal their thunder, and then they'll just mope. It's easy to take out mopers.
* Jesus is the Answer: Christians never hurt anyone, so let's try and convert everyone to Christianity. We should make a giant statue of Jesus in the middle of Saudi Arabia that has the a loud speaker at it's mouth that keeps blaring, "The power of Christ compels you to not commit terror! The power of Christ compels you to not commit terror!"
That would be so cool! And the terrorists will be like:
"How is that statue talking?"
"Probably by some speakers hidden inside."
"Or maybe it's the Holy Spirit!"
"I'm scared, Mohammad! Hold me!"
"Only if you hold me, Omar!"
March 28, 2004
Guess which limey wrote me back? That's right: The Limey. I'll put up his letter (it's a long one) and a response soon.
Also, another fan club seems to have emerged. So, what do I do now as someone with fan clubs? How many bones do I have to throw you guys? You need to tell me what to do, but it shouldn't be too much because I'm lazy.
Finally, it was brought to my attention that I give too much attention to the Marines at the expense of other military branches. The reason for that is that my brother is a Marine (giving me someone to ask questions to), and I don't know much about military culture as a whole. Still, if people have ideas for other characters in the other branches of the military, put them in the comments section. Maybe I can do an In My World™ about all the branches and then people will read it and be like, "Awwww... look at all those people working together to kill for'ners."
March 26, 2004
More on Frank J. Fan Clubs
There are now two competing fan clubs (one two), and I think we should have a system so people can sign up (and then pad those signing up with dead people from Chicago). Then, I'll send a taunting letter to Jonah about how I have a much better fans. Next, I'll complete my column, and you can all help lobby NRO to print it. Then, we can have fan club party! Hooray!
Oh, and I just want to again remind my readers that I love each and every one of you. Have a great weekend, y'all.
The Best Way to Fight Terrorism is to Talk About It
I don't know about these 9/11 hearings. I'm too suspicious of it becoming a partisan way to assign blame, and I don't know what good is supposed to come of it. I mean, after the hearings are over, are we all going to slap our heads and go, "So that's what we should have done!"? I say let's focus on killing terrorists in the here in now.
Still, I thought I'd sift through the news and find some points of interest from the hearings.
THE TOP TEN POINTS OF INTEREST FROM THE 9/11 HEARINGS
10. Every time Richard Clarke was asked a question, he'd give a short answer and then face the camera and say, "But you'll have to buy my book to get the full story."
9. It was determined that the only way to stop terrorism is to do something about it.
8. While terrorism is now a big focus of the government, they are still ignoring the looming ninja threat.
7. There a lot of blame for 9/11 to go around, but the Clinton administration is hogging it all.
6. Senator Bob Kerrey got angry at Fox News for publishing statements by Richard Clarke. Think of that: a news organization publishing stuff that people said.
5. Condoleezza Rice wants a closed door session to respond, possibly so she can extract violent revenge in secret.
4. Heh heh. The former National Security Advisor's name is "Sam Berger". Does he have brother named "Cheese"?
3. Richard Clarke is adamant that, if we only were able to find out about the 9/11 plot and arrest everyone involved, we might have been able to prevent it.
2. Clinton's search for Osama was far behind his search for poontang.
And the number one point of interest from the 9/11 Hearings...
The threat of terrorists trying their hardest to kill us all can actually be a boring topic when discussed in a committee.
March 25, 2004
The Frank J. Fan Club
Now I got some livejournal Goldberg fans against me. Stupid flying monkeys, but this has made me realize that, to compete against Jonah, I'll need my own fan club. It's a great idea. Everyone can go there and talk about how great I am, distribute a newsletter about my genius writing, and groupies can chat about how sexy I am. And, every so often, I can stop by and post something and everyone will be like, "Wow! The Frank J. has talked to us! We are blessed!"
Also, when I have my column ready, I can have my fans do a letter writing campaign to Rich Lowry about how Jonah should be fired and me put in his place. And it needs to happen soon; look how admittedly senile Jonah is getting.
So, one of you reading this, start a fan site for me.
Anyway, I'll post something tomorrow about the 9/11 hearing so I can claim to still be topical. See you then.
IMAO's Roadmap to Peace
Everyone has been talking about how blowing up Yassin and other things is screwing up the roadmap to peace, and that sounds bad. I then started figuring that maybe the roadmap that is currently too complicated if it gets messed up every time some terrorists catches a missile. Thus, I, Frank J., the super-smart, have made a much simpler roadmap to lead to peace in the Middle East.
March 24, 2004
That Wacky Microsoft
I now have Micrsoft Office 2003 at home (legally, thank you) and found out today that they have now added Condoleezza (two e's, two z's) and Condi to their spellchecker but still lack Rumsfeld. Go figure.
Oh, and that damn talking paper clip is finally gone.
In My World: The Way of the Defense Consultants
President Bush suddenly looked up from his desk to Condoleezza Rice. "Okay, I've decided to give the Israelis the go ahead to kill Yassin."
"Uh, they already did that," Condi answered, "and some people are pointing fingers at you saying you gave them permission."
"But that's a dirty lie!" Bush shouted, "Find whoever is saying that and have them killed; you have my permission."
"We need to be more worried about Iraq right now," Condi told him.
"That's in secure hands," Bush assured her.
* * * *
"You're trying to blow us up!" Buck the Marine accused the man.
"No I'm not."
"That's a bomb right there in your hands!"
"No it isn't."
"But it has lots of wires and stuff and a big part labeled 'C4'," Buck answered.
"Lot's of things could be labeled C4."
"And you're wearing an al Qaeda t-shirt," Buck yelled.
"It was on sale."
Buck stared suspiciously at the man for a while. "I'm pretty sure you're foreign, and I'm going to keep my eye on you!"
* * * *
"And have you heard about Richard Clarke and all the things he has been saying about our administration?" Condi asked.
"Richard Clarke?" Bush said with confusion.
"He used to work for you," Condi reminded him.
"Had some advice on terrorism... Tried to get a talk with you on cyber terrorism..." Condi prompted.
"Oh!" Bush exclaimed, "Douche Bag! I remember him. How's 'ole Douche Bag doing?"
"He's quit and he's saying lies about us!" Condi exclaimed in frustration.
Bush thought about that for a moment. "If he quit, that means the nickname 'Douche Bag' is freed up." He saw White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan walk buy. "Hey, Scott!" Bush called out, "You're new nickname is 'Douche Bag'!"
"Why?" Scott complained.
"Quit whining Douche Bag!" Bush answered as Scott stormed off.
"Shouldn't we be focusing on what Clarke is saying about us?" Condi said impatiently.
Bush leaned back in his chair and sipped at some lemonade. "You need to relax Condi," Bush told her, "This will all blow over."
"So you aren't worried about it affecting you're reelection in November?" Condi asked.
Bush sprung out of his chair, dropping his lemonade. "That's this year!" he shouted, "Holy s**t! I'm f**ked!" He scrambled to turn on the T.V. On screen was Richard Clarke giving another interview to Lesley Stahl.
"Remember, the best BS is CBS," Stahl said, "and now we're back with Richard Clarke. So, Clarke, the Bush administration completely bungled the War on Terror, right?"
"Yes they did," Clarke answered, "by not following absolutely all the advice I gave them."
"And you said their staff was incompetent?" Stahl asked.
"Correct. When I first mentioned al Qaeda to Condoleezza Rice, she appeared to not to even have heard of it."
"Well," Clarke said, thinking for a moment, "she just stared at me blankly for a few moments, a little drool came out her mouth, and then she tilted her head to the side while asking in a valley girl like voice, 'Is al Qaeda like some sort of hair product?'"
Bush started laughing. "That sounded just like you." He then looked at Condi who appeared ready to explode. "Uh oh."
* * * *
"Thank you for belittling the Bush administration," Kerry said to Clarke, "You shall be rewarded in the future. For now, you will be in charge of the Heinz flying fortress which will bombard America with leaflets from above and shout my slogans through loudspeakers."
"I am proud to serve you, my master," Clarke answered. "To evil!" he then shouted.
"To evil!" Kerry answered. He then turned to his butler. "Jeeves, my face is sagging."
"I'll take care of it sir," the Butler answered, injecting Botox into Kerry's face.
"There, that will preserve my French-lookingness," Kerry said with satisfaction, "Now I shall leave via helicopter."
When Kerry turned around, he bumped into one of his Secret Service agents. "You stupid, f**king son of a bitch!" Kerry shouted.
"Geez," the agent answered, "I'm sorry."
"Don't you take that tone of voice with me!" Kerry yelled, "Don't you know who I am? My wife is rich! I served in Vietnam! My initials are the same as John Kennedy! You will show me respect!"
Kerry then stormed out of the room while the Secret Service gradually followed.
Clarke admired his flying fortress of evil and ketchup until he heard some explosions and the place began to become unstable. "What's happening?" Clarke exclaimed.
In the room walked a ninja.
"Where are my guards?" Clarke asked.
An object skidded across the floor to Clarke's feet. It was a Desert Eagle, the slide locked on an empty magazine.
"Who are you?" Clarke demanded.
The ninja pulled off her mask. It was Condoleezza Rice. "So this is what you have traded your soul for!" she said angrily, "Well I shall destroy it, as I shall destroy you for your calumny against me and the administration."
Clarke laughed evilly. "You think you can take me on, little woman? There is but one jetpack to escape from here, so I guess we must settle this as all disputes between defense consultants are - by way of the samurai!" Clarke drew his katana.
"So be it," Condi answered, drawing her sword.
They quickly clashed blades as the fortress exploded about them. Clarke was strong and had the greater reach and soon had Condi on the defensive. She kept blocking, but the sword was struck from her hand. Clarke reeled back for the killing blow, but, when he swung, Condi rolled out of the way. Clarke lost balance and tumbled towards a hole that had been blown open in the floor, he barely grabbed on to the edge keeping him from falling to the flames below.
Clarke looked up to see Condi standing above him. "Mercy!" he cried.
Condi tilted her head to the side. "Duh! What’s that?" she said before kicking him in the face.
* * * *
"Is it true that the Bush administration has sunk Kerry's flying fortress into the sea?" a reporter asked.
"It's a presidential campaign," Scott answered, "and sometime flying fortresses get sunk into the sea. If Kerry wasn't prepared for that, he shouldn't have sought the nomination."
"Was the attack in vengeance over Richard Clarke's remarks?" another reporter inquired.
"Clarke had said a number of things that weren't quite true," Scott said, "and it could only be expected that we respond with overwhelming violence."
Melinda Hawkish of Fox News then stood up. "Now, Douche Bag..."
"You don't have to use Bush's nickname for me," Scott interrupted with annoyance.
Melinda looked confused. "Bush calls you that?"
March 23, 2004
In My World: Yassin in Paradise
Yassin looked all about him at the splendor of Heaven. "Those joooos may have killed me, but now I am a martyr in Paradise!" he exclaimed. "And I can walk again! Praise Allah!" He then danced about.
There before him stood God. Yassin approached saying, "Allah, I..."
"Call me 'sir'", God said curtly.
"Sir, I have come for my rewards as a martyr."
"Yeah, I like you martyrs," God chuckled, "You guys are easy to handle." God reached behind his podium and then produced a bowl which he handed to Yassin. "Here are your raisins."
"Raisins?" Yassin said with confusion, "I thought I got virgins!"
"Nope, common misinterpretation," God said, "The deal is 72 raisins for martyrdom… and you actually have 68 since I ate a few of them while you were dilly-dallying. You don't mind sharing with the Creator of the universe, right?"
"No... I guess not."
"Now, see that corner over there?" God asked as he pointed to a dark, dank corner nearby, "That's where you go. I like to keep all the "martyrs" separate so you don't talk all the time and pass notes."
"Well, at least I can walk again," Yassin said.
"No, you sit," God commanded, "over in that corner and quietly eat your raisins... and try to nurse them a bit because you need to make them last all eternity."
"What happens when they're gone?" Yassin asked, now looking a little worried.
"You can do anything you want," God told him, "as long as you stay in your corner, be quiet, and don't move much."
Dejected, Yassin walked over to his corner and sat down, staring a bit angrily at God. He then noticed a little hand pull away from his bowl of raisins.
"Ooh! Ooh!" said a monkey as it scampered off with a handful of Yassin's raisins.
"That monkey stole some of my raisins!" Yassin shouted.
"That's crazy talk," God answered, "There are no monkeys in Heaven. You're just trying to trick me into giving you more raisins. Well, the deal is 72, and that's all you get. Now be quiet; I have someone else coming for his rewards in Heaven."
An Israeli walked up to God. "Man, I just got blown up by a suicide bomber," he complained.
"Sorry about that," God said, "Those Palestinians sure love their raisins. Frankly, I spent a long time making grapes nice and tasty, and I have no idea why they want them shriveled up into little raisins. Anyway, I'll make up your getting blown up with your rewards in Heaven." God reached into a box. "What size t-shirt do you want."
"I'll take a large."
"Here you go," God said, handing over a t-shirt, "It says 'Heaven: It's a fun place to be.' - I didn't come up with the slogan - and that's just the start of your rewards. Here's a Rolex."
The Israeli accepted the gold watch. "Wow! That's a great watch!"
"Of course it is," God said, "It's a Rolex. Also, you get to pick a prize from one of the mystery boxes on that table over there."
There was a table with three boxes marked with question marks labeled 1, 2, and 3. The Israeli studied them for a moment. "I'll take box number three."
God walked behind the box and carefully titled it up so he could see under. "Sorry, but there is nothing under this box... EXCEPT FOR THE KEYS TO A NEW SPORTS CAR!"
"Kickass!" the Israeli exclaimed as he took the keys, "I'm glad I picked that box!"
"Actually, they all had keys to sports cars under them," God chuckled, "I just like doing that. Anyway, have a drive around Heaven and check out all the hotspots. Parking is free everywhere, by the way. And, if you need anything, just ask me; I'm omnipresent and you never should feel like you're bothering me."
"Thanks God!" the Israeli said with glee, "You're the greatest!"
"I know," God answered as he watched the Israeli run off.
Yassin sat in his corner and looked on the scene with anger. "That joooo got a t-shirt, a Rolex, and a sports car, and all I got was this lousy bowl of raisins." A thought then struck Yassin. He raised his fist in the air while shouting, "Allah is a joooooo..."
A bumper slammed into Yassin, cutting him off mid "jooooooo!" "My back is broke!" Yassin screamed, "I'm a quadriplegic again!"
"Dude, I'm so sorry," the Israeli exclaimed out the window of his sports car, "This is my first time using a stick-shift."
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Kerry Wipes Out, Yassin Yassin Yassin, the Only Good Gorilla, and Writing Is Hard
* Protection on the Slopes: So Kerry was skiing in Idaho (Idaho! I don't care how much he skis; he ain't winning that state), and then fall downs when he runs into a Secret Service agent. Then he exclaims, "I don't fall down!" and uses and expletive to describe the Secret Service Agent. Makes him seem a wee bit haughty. And why is the Secret Service skiing with him anyway? Why can't they just post snipers to watch Kerry? Then, if a Secret Service agent caused Kerry to crash, Kerry would have a better excuse.
"I don't fall; that son of a bitch shot me!"
And then you'd hear up in the trees, "My bad."
* He Did What?: Did you know that Kerry served in Vietnam?
* Permission Slips: So the Israelis kill Yassin, and some are pointing their fingers at the U.S. saying we gave the go ahead. Hey, we like the idea of other countries asking us before they do anything, but, since Israel has survived amidst people who want them dead for so long, we trust that they know what they're doing. Kill who you want.
* So Let Me Guess - You Want to Kill Jews: So the Palestinians are like, "Kill joooos! Kill joooos!"
And then the Israelis kill Yassin and the Palestinians are like, "Kill joooos! Kill joooos!"
And the news services report, "Hamas Vows to Kill Jews".
And it's like, what's changed? The Palestinians have been trying their hardest to kill Jews already, that they can't really up the ante. I mean, the Israelis could kidnap Arafat, take him to the beach, and push him into the sea, and all the Palestinians could do is shake their tiny fists in impotent rage while shouting, "Kill joooos!"
The only one who can realistically threaten more violence is Israel, and, if that happens, there is going to be a major virgin shortage in paradise.
* Bail!: I heard when Yassin got hit, his brain shot right out his skull. I hope my own brain is smart enough to try and save itself like that when the time comes.
* For Sale: One used wheelchair, slightly singed.
* What a Dick: So this Dick Clarke character is claiming the Bush administration has bungled the War on Terror and that Condi is some retard who never heard of al Qaeda and...
Know what, I think I'll save that for tomorrow’s In My World™.
* Happy Killers: Anti-depressants are a suicide risk? How does that work? Are you like really happy during plunge from the bridge?
* New Movie Trend: So The Passion of the Christ finally lost its top spot to Dawn of the Dead. I guess the popular movies now are ones where people come back to life. I think Dawn of the Dead has a different take on it, though.
* Monkey News I: A gorilla (scientific name gorilla gorilla) escaped from the zoo and hurt people. That's scary! But there is a happy ending. The police shot the gorilla. Yay!
* Monkeys News II: I've always said humanity will end one of two ways: robots take over (ala Terminator) or monkeys take over (ala Planet of the Apes). Well, some fool scientist is trying to combine the two. Here is what you will now be seeing in your nightmares. I think this is enough cause to put a halt to all science until we further investigate that no one is causing the destruction of humanity.
* I Like It When People Talk About Why I'm Funny: Harvey (not the imaginary rabbit but the one who won the contest that never happened and shall not be mentioned again) analyzes one of my pieces to see why it is funny. I don't agree with all the analysis, but that's exactly the sort of serious piece I would like to do if I had more time. I don't think you can actually get funnier by analyzing humor, but I just find it fun. Plus, I took a college class on the subject, so I'm super knowledgeable. Well, maybe later I'll have some more Why Me Laugh™ pieces so we can all be scientifical.
* Bitch Bitch Bitch: Man, I'm trying to keep up the funny here while at same time trying to write two different novels. If I add in stealing Jonah Goldberg's job on top of my regular job, I'm really stretching myself thin. I hope you all appreciate this. Oh! And buy my t-shirts!
March 22, 2004
Speaking of National Review...
Rich Lowry never got back to me about writing a column to prove I should replace Jonah Goldberg (though, if Jonah asks you, tell him that Lowry and I are in heated discussions about what my salary should be when I replace him). I was thinking maybe I should go ahead and write the column to prove how great I am and submit it; the only problem is I don't know what to write about. I need a topic that's topical... but not too topical (because I don't want to have to write it right away since I'm lazy and tired). I'll submit it to NRO, and then everyone can e-mail Lowry asking, "Where are columns by Frank J.? We want columns by Frank J.!"
And he'll be like, "Oh no! We need a column by Frank J. to remain 'hip' and 'with it'."
And then he'll see that in the submissions box is a column by Frank J., and he will rejoice.
It's an idea fiendish in its intricacies. Any idea what I should write about? Heaven forbid that NRO doesn't use it, I'll just post it here.
Frank Discussions: John Derbyshire
When deciding who should be my second interview, the choice was obvious. John Derbyshire is a columnist, author, mathematician, uncredited thug, general curmudgeon, and one writer at National Review I wouldn't try and replace. He's decidedly as non-PC as they get, and often sports controversy because of it (he once put up a math problem about monkeys and it scared me). If you haven't been reading him, then catch up. Until then, read this interview Mr. Derbyshire graciously did over e-mail.
Q. Your name Derbyshire comes from a county in England. Being that it's a combination of "derby" and "shire", one would guess that the place is filled with hobbits driving around in racecars. Is that about right?
A. Dunno. I was only in Derbyshire once, and the memory is dim. If the coin had come up the other way you'd be betting on the Kentucky Bunbury--did you know that?
Q. So what's it like writing for National Review? Is it fun fun fun everyday, or is it your own private hell that you suffer with dignity and grace?
A. A laff riot, except for those times they call you up and say: "Can you give us 1,000 words on energy policy by 4 o'clock?" That's when you try desperately to forget the combination code for the handgun safe.
Q. You seem to court controversy a lot more than other writers at National Review (one of the quotes for your merchandise is about how you have some opinions that aren't "respectable"). Is that because you're more daring or because everyone else is a pansy?
A. I think mostly it's just that I'm older http://www.olimu.com/Photographs/BackPages/1945-Baby.htm . Grew up in the age before PC. Never internalized the necessary restraints. The NR people have only recently weaned me off saying "Negro."
Q. You bill yourself as a pessimist. Has there been anything in recent events that have made you feel cheery?
A. Well, I cracked a smile when they found Saddam in that spider hole. Though if it'd been me that found him, I'd have lobbed a few grenades down there & then sealed it up with concrete. Or just sealed it up & saved the grenades. The last time I had a really good laugh at a public occurrence was when the Romanians shot Ceaucescu and his loathsome wife. I am smiling now just thinking of it.
Q. How much longer do you think humanity will last?
A. You misunderstand the nature of my pessimism. Humanity will always be around -- like roaches.
Q. How do you think Bush is doing as president?
A. All right. But I speak as a person who has very low expectations of politicians.
Q. How much worse do you think Kerry would do?
A. Very, very much. He'd be another Carter, spend four years apologizing to the world for our appalling inclination to defend our own interests & way of life. Unthinkable. Vote Bush!
Q. Out of all the politicians and pundits out there, who you would you most want to slug if you could get away with it?
A. Eleanor Clift. There's just something about that woman. I know, I know, a gentleman isn't supposed to hit a lady. But heck, they wanted equality, they got it. Come and take your lumps, Eleanor.
Q. Andrew Sullivan seems to not like you, handing out Derbyshire Award Nominations in mockery of you. Any idea how that started? Like, did you run over his dog?
A. My private theory is that he is trying to make himself sexually attractive to me in some way I don't really understand. I have had trouble with homosexuals all my life, I don't know why. They can be very persistent.
Q. When he's finished handing out Derbyshire Award Nominations, will you be at the award ceremony to present the Derbyshire Award?
A. I don't think so. I'd get flustered, having his eyes on me all the time.
Q. I heard that you got Andrew Sullivan fired from the NY Times by spreading rumors that he is gay. Is there any truth to what I just made up?
A. You seem to have some kind of obsession with Andrew Sullivan. Why is that?
Q. It's now well known that you were an uncredited thug in a Bruce Lee movie. What exactly does a thug have to do to get credit?
A. See?---Sullivan, Sullivan, Sullivan. I really think you have issues here.
Q. Now that your fans made sure the Internet Movie Database credits you for your uncredited thuggery, do you feel vindicated?
A. Say WHAT? Oh, "thuggery." Do you know, I paid $35 to that frigging movie database to get my picture included. They said it would take "about two weeks," but that was three weeks ago and I'm still looking at the generic shadow guy. I guess it's a ripoff. Most things are.
Q. I've heard talk about making a new Bruce Lee movie where he is inserted using CGI. If this happens, would you consider reprising your role as uncredited thug?
A. I would have, but Spielberg wants me in this new Riemann Hypothesis movie he's doing, so I'll have to beg off.
Q. Have you ever been approached by a thug on the street who felt he just wasn't getting enough credit and said how inspirational you are?
A. For God's sake lay off with the Sullivan thing, it's getting creepy.
Q. I have about twenty more questions about uncredited thuggery, but I guess I should move on. How did you get from uncredited thug to credited writer and journalist?
A. Same answer Fats Domino gave when asked how he got successful: "Clean thinkin', clean livin', an' good home cookin'." (You can put the terminal consonants back in if I've transgressed political correctness there. I never know.)
Q. For National Review Online, Jonah Goldberg seems to get a lot of the attention. Do you ever feel like punching him? Be honest.
A. By arrangement with the magazine, three times a year Jonah and I have one of those Russian face-slapping contests on a secluded beach out Nissequogue way -- feet planted, you know, just slap! slap! slap! till one of us falls down -- to get things out of our systems. The rest of the time we get on great. He cooks a mean quiche gaspesienne.
Q. I'll kidnap his dog for a thousand bucks. Deal?
A. In your dreams. I haven't seen a thousand bucks since I got married.
Q. Last year, you published the book Prime Obsession about the Riemann Hypothesis. Now, my readers are a bit too dense for you to explain briefly that hypothesis (and that is what the book is supposed to do, anyway), but could you tell us what your favorite prime number is?
A. That's a thing I can never make up my mind about. Some days I'd say 31 -- you know, the first prime number the decimal period of whose reciprocal is an odd number of digits in length. Also the 3rd Mersenne prime. Also one of only two known numbers that can be written in two ways as the sum of successive powers, starting with 1. (The other is 8191.) Then there's that business about the square being 961, which is the square of 13 (31 written backwards) written backwards. Also the two digits being the same as the first two digits of pi. AND, if you divide the first of those digits into the second to get one-third, and raise 31 to the power of one-third (i.e. take its cube root), you get 3.1413806523913930044930758964627499263, which differs from pi by less that 0.007 per cent!!! **AND** note that 31 is the 11th prime, 11 is the 5th prime, 5 is the 3rd prime, and 3 is the 2nd prime, and 11, 5, 3, and 2 are all primes!!!!!! (The next prime this works for is 127, the 31st prime, which is, like 31, a Mersenne prime!!!!!!!!!) Other days, however, I might say 5,127,402,762,693,207,238,127,
Q. In NRO's The Corner, you claimed that Arthur C. Clarke sent you fan mail over Prime Obsession. I don't want to call you a liar, so I'll check my thesaurus... fabricator! Your response?
A. That's **SIR** Arthur C. Clarke to you, Bubba: http://www.olimu.com/Riemann/Reviews/Clarke.htm
Q. Do you think the number 2, being the only even prime, is a bit arrogant? I never liked it.
A. Know what you mean. I've had a couple of run-ins with it myself. It was Papa Doc Duvalier's favorite number, though, and you better not argue with voodoo.
Q. Here's a question I always have for people knowledgeable at math: why does the square root of negative one get to be a number, but my math teacher always yelled at me if I tried to divide one by zero?
A. Beats my pair of jacks. Most likely your teacher had issues. Was he gay?
Q. Combining your knowledge of math and politics, which of the two major parties is more like an integral and which is more like a differential? (show all your work for full credit)
A. They are BOTH like integrals: but the Dem party is a Riemann-Stieltjes, while the GOP is more of a Lebesgue.
Q. You wrote a novel, Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, about Chinese immigrants in the U.S. What inspired you to write that novel?
A. Hanging around with Chinese immigrants in the U.S.
Q. Have you thought about converting to Chinese?
Q. With your knowledge about China, how much longer do you expect the Communist government to last? When (or if) China becomes a democracy, do you think they might be able to become richer and more powerful than American, because that scares me.
A. Rest assured, they will never come up with anything half as good as the Twinkie.
A. All right. Twice a year I get a check from the POD people. It's a nice surprise. And God knows I need the money.
Q. In closing, do you have a message for our nation's youth?
A. Yes. I hate you all for having much more fun than I had, and for all your damn straight, white, perfect teeth.
March 19, 2004
Weekend Brush Off
It's the weekend, and I have shiznit to do (including answering a backlog of reader e-mail). I have a great interview that will be posted Monday morning, though (with who, you ask? You'll have to wait and find out).
While you're waiting, buy my t-shirts. Yay!
Mushrooms Yes? No!!!
I had made a scientific discovery some time ago, and I thought I might as well share it with the world. Back in college, I had one of those long and boring homeworks I was doing with a friend, so of course we kept stalling. He mentioned that the song "Stairway to Heaven" has a part which talks about Satan if you play it backwards. So I checked it out, and it does sound like Satan is mentioned. I eventually isolated what words sounded like Satan backwards, and it is "Yes" (it helps if there is a sort of 'n' sound before it, which can happen when singing). That explained to me why so many people seem to think they hear stuff about Satan when songs are played backwards.
So, that got me thinking, what lyrics would you need to have a song, when played backwards, tells people to worship Satan. The only problem was that all I could find that sounded like "worship" when played backwards was "mushrooms". I did find an extremely innocuous phrase that is truly evil, though.
"Life is good." backwards is "Go to hell."
If you don't believe, just use the basic Microsoft sound recorder and check it out. I still haven't found a good song to trick people into worshiping Satan, but, if you ever hear the lyrics, "Yes, mushrooms, and life is good," be wary.
Frank Answers: Female Bombers, Fascist McFascist Endorsement, Jews and Their Hot Dogs, the Military and Kerry, American Woman, Quarks, and Relativity (I Know This One!)
Sal from Chicago, IL writes:
First of all, they're "Palestinians". There is no reason to use name calling against sub-human murderers. Secondly, the last female bomber abandoned two children when she blew herself up, thus there was no net loss. They're wilier than you think.
As for your first question, I don't want to answer that. Saying Kerry secured the Fascist McFascist vote sounds too much like a polemic... even if it's true. Maybe I'll speak up if I see him eating apricots.
As for your second question, you weren't a participant, so you didn't even get a chance to lose. In any fair fight, I would have beaten you and anyone else. That's what defines "fair".
Yay! It's Laurence! One of my first questioners (who then got me accused of blasphemy).
As for your question, haven't you heard the jingle, "No one makes a frank like a Hebrew."?
Actually, the real answer is less singable. While the Latin National Beef Franks and the Aramaic National Beef Franks did go out of business, the rest were destroyed by the Zionist Conspiracy (except for the French National Beef Franks which was acquire in a hostile takeover by the German National Beef Franks). We could be eating all sorts of National Beef Franks if it weren't for the jooooos!
Sorry; I just like shouting, "Jooooos!"
I say, if Kerry gets elected, the military will need you more than ever. Democrats are always trying to turn the military into some little social club, and we need lots of right minded people (especially the large scary ones with guns) in the military to dissuade them. The military still kept it's killing power during the Clinton years, and they can survive a John F’n Kerry.
As for your P.S., maybe I can visit my sister in Cali and say, "Hi." I really should do a national tour just for the ladies, instead of staying here in Melbourne, Florida where there are no women and I keep growing more bitter each day.
Hey! I could do like a blogger version of The Bachelor! That's one to file away for later...
All the single women here in America I claim as my own; stay way from them! Why do need to find women here when you have your Margaret Thatcherseses in England?
Quarks are the smallest know unit of matter (well the top quark isn't that small) and they make up electrons and protons and maybe neutrons. They sit on the borderline between energy and matter. If you can't see them, then just look harder.
As for your second question, let's count.
:: crunch ::
Wait, what were we talking about?
Oh, how does relativity work, you ask. Well, its... uh... I know I heard the answer to this before... it's because when something going to speed of light is observed it looks the speed of light to someone both in the car and outside because... uh... Hey! What's that over there!
* * * *
Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.
March 18, 2004
Another "I'm Busy" Post
Sorry for the dearth of posting, but I've been really busy at work and really busy at home (stealing Jonah Goldberg's job is harder than I thought, plus I need to finish writing question for my next interview). I'll have some Frank Answer™ tomorrow plus something extra. Also, I'll get to my reader e-mails this weekend (I'm not ignoring you).
BTW, John Hawkins has a list of his favorite blogs and I was disqualified. That makes me special.
Oh, and buy my t-shirts.
New From IMAO - The Martyr-Gun™!
Want to kill yourself and Israelis but bombs are just too complicated?
Thought of going on a shooting spree, but worried you won't get gunned down in the process, thus missing martyrdom and your 72 virgins?
Don't take the risk of not getting killed. You need the IMAO Martyr-Gun™.
Yes, direct marketed from IMAO to Palestinians is the gun to made specifically for the martyr. Its smooth, quadruple-action trigger fires a bullet at both you are your target, ensuring quick and easy martyrdom at the twitch of a finger.
But that's not all! Order the Martyr-Gun™ now and get a 73rd virgin in paradise for free! Think of how jealous all the other martyrs will be when they see you sporting one more virgin than the rest of them.
So get your Martyr-Gun™; not dying is a risk you just can't take.
Due to a design flaw not allowing the slide to move, the Martyr-Gun™ tends to explode when fired and thus is guaranteed for only one use. If the Martyr-Gun™ fails to kill you, return all its remnants to IMAO for a full refund. IMAO and its subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not responsible if your religious views are crock and you are actually sent to hell upon death.
March 17, 2004
I See My Prey Wounded... So I Strike Once More
Jonah Goldberg is obviously intimidated by me, so I decided to further press my case with Rich Lowry.
I can almost taste Jonah Goldberg's job now, and it is sweet...
Wait a sec, what if Lowry actually responds back and wants a column? What the hell am I going to write about?
Dammit! I knew there was a flaw in this plan...
UPDATE: I haven't heard back from Lowry yet, but here's what Jonah said:
bring it on chief
T-Shirt, Contest, Jonah Goldberg Insults Me, and More
Time for a lunchtime update.
There have been a lot of preorders for my new t-shirt, but I checked the number versus everyone, and everyone has not ordered one yet. Do some of you admire the French? Are you saving up to move there along with your leftists Hollywood friends? If so, you sicken me.
There will be a contest to name the official IMAO T-Shirt Babe, but I'm still working out the details. You may have to buy a t-shirt first to enter, as that will prove the photo is recent and actually of you. Well, I'll figure things out as quick as I can and make the announcement along with what the prizes will be. Any good suggestions on how to do this would be appreciated.
I haven't had a chance to read it all yet, but I saw this The Onion article lastnight, and, if you’re a Rumsfeld fan, it's worth checking out just for the headline and photo.
Right Wing Stuff has renewed their ad for another month, so make sure to check them out or I'll have Chomps fall off a tall building and die in the next In My World™.
Finally, I have someone set up for my next interview. Who, you ask? You'll have to wait to find out, but it should be hella cool.
UPDATE: Got this letter:
Dear Mister Frank (if that is your real name!),
Hey! He stole my "cordially" (which I stole from William F. Buckley).
Anyway, I didn't start this. If Jonah kept writing three times a week like he used to, there wouldn't be cause to replace him with a younger, hipper, more productive version like me.
In My World: The Warmongerers Ride Again
"Republicans are crooks and liars," John Kerry announced in a haughty tone at a press conference.
"You're the liar!" Bush shouted at the T.V.
"And foreign leaders all think I should be president," Kerry continued.
"That's a damn dirty lie," Bush yelled, shaking his fist, "Everyone hates you!"
"And his biker gang the Warmongerers are too chicken to take on my biker gang, The Hell's Democrats."
"That's the biggest lie of all!" Bush screamed, jumping out of his chair.
"And one more thing," Kerry said, "it's worth mentioning that I served in Vietnam."
"That part might be true," Bush admitted, "but the rest is lies, and you know what that means we need to do..."
"We should have a press conference to repudiate him?" White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan suggested.
"Someone hit him," Bush said. Rumsfeld obliged. "What we need to do is get our biker gang back together and then trash Boston to draw out John Kerry. Then, I bash in his lying face!"
"That sounds pretty illegal," Scott said.
"That's what pardons are for, dweeb," Bush answered, "You're such a whiner, Skippy; the only reason we keep you in this biker gang is we need a fourth person to draw off gunfire from the police." Bush looked to Cheney. "You ready, Chainman Charlie?"
"Big time!" Cheney answered as he swung a chain in the air.
"How about you Mad Dog?"
"If it involves destruction, I'm always ready," Rumsfeld announced.
"And are you through whining, Skippy," Bush asked Scott.
"Am I going to have to have a green mohawk again?" Scott inquired.
Laura Bush then entered the room and saw everyone readying weaponry and leather jackets. "You aren't all planning on participating in some biker gang violence, are you?" she asked suspiciously.
"No dear," Bush answered, hiding his tire iron behind his back, "We're just uh... what do politicians do... we're making a bill."
"Isn't that the job of the Legislative Branch?" she asked skeptically.
"The what branch now?" Bush said with confusion. He then pulled out his wallet and handed Laura some money. "Here honey; go buy yourself some shoes."
"Well I would like some new shoes." Laura then gave a stern look to everyone. "But I'm going to keep my eye on you." She then walked out of the room.
"Whew... that was close," Bush sighed.
"You need to learn to keep your woman in line," Rumsfeld growled.
"Whatever," Bush answered. "To the bike depository!"
* * * *
Now in leather jackets and jeans, the four members of the Warmongerers prepped their bikes. "Skippy," Rumsfeld called out to Scott, "I need to take my dog on this trip. He's going to ride with you. He doesn't like it if you go too fast or too slow; it makes him angry. If you're going to wrong speed, he'll bite you painfully. If you're going to right speed, he'll bite you less painfully."
Chomps jumped up on the bike behind Scott and growled in his ear. "Eep."
Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell then walked into the garage. "What are you guys doing?" Condi asked.
"We're going to go trash Boston to get back at Kerry for all his lies," Bush explained, "You two can be in charge of America and thus the world while we're gone."
"Fine," Condi answered, "Have fun."
The four rode off on their bikes, Scott screaming all the way as Chomps bit into his shoulder. "So what should we do?" Condi mused.
"We could work on plans for the reconstruction of Iraq," Powell suggested.
"We could check on intelligence about al Qaeda."
"I already did that this morning."
"We could use our temporary power to make the white man pay for his injustice against the black race."
Condi shrugged her shoulders. "Eh... I guess so."
* * * *
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he smashed the window of a car with his baseball bat. Chomps then ripped a tire off the car with his teeth.
"Time to give this town a heart attack!" Cheney shouted as he drove his bike over some parked cars.
"Yee-haw!" Bush screamed as he waved his cowboy hat in one hand while chasing down some Bostonians with his bike.
"It's a violent bikah gang!" exclaimed one Bostonian, "We shouldn't have pahked our cah here!"
"Come on!" Bush yelled to Scott who stood idly by, "Create some havoc."
Scott carefully got off his bike and picked up a beer bottle. He then tossed it, but it hit the ground without shattering.
"Dingus," Bush sighed.
They then heard the sound of other bikes. Driving up towards the Warmongerers were The Hell's Democrats - Governor Howard Dean, a.ka. The Dean, Representative Richard Gephardt, a.k.a Dick the Knife, Senator Ted Kennedy a.k.a. Big Fat Teddy K, and Senator John Kerry, a.k.a. By the Way I Served in Vietnam. "This ain't your town, Tex!" Kerry called out, "Just like towns in Vietnam weren't mine."
They all stopped their bikes and dismounted. "Thought you'd guys would be too scared to show up," Bush answered.
"There's a lot of action going on here," Big Fat Teddy K said, "so shouldn't you be in Alabama?" He then swallowed a whole roasted chicken.
"No one insults me like that!" Bush screamed. He then turned to Scott. "Teach him a lesson."
Scott was bewildered. "Teach him a..."
"Grerawerr!" Big Fat Teddy K snarled as he charged Scott.
Gephardt pulled out his switchblade. "I'm finally going to get to cut me some 'publicans!"
"Bring it on, Dicky!" Cheney yelled, pulling his chain between his two hands.
"I'm going punch you guys in the stomachs!" Dean yelled, "And then the kidneys!
"You're all talk and large veins protruding through your neck!" Rumsfeld answered.
"What this is really between is me and that lying Kerry," Bush asserted, "Having Scott pummeled by Big Fat Teddy K isn't proving anything. It's me and the haughty, aloof French-looking man that need to rumble!"
"You make think I'm haughty and aloof," Kerry answered, "but I'm with the common man enough to know how to be a violent biker." He then turned to his butler. "Jeeves, my biker boots are dirty."
"I'll fix them for you sir," the butler said as he dusted Kerry's boots.
"And, I served in Vietnam!" Kerry said threateningly to Bush.
"You and all your wife's ketchup money don't frighten me!" Bush answered, "Time to prove you a liar and knock the French-lookingness and possibly some Botulism right out of you!"
"Enough talk!" Rumsfeld yelled, "Back in my day, presidential candidates settled disputes with a nice death race."
"I'm game!' Kerry exclaimed.
"So am I," Bush stated as Scott flew overhead.
* * * *
"This is Melinda Hawkish of Fox News, bringing you live the first of three scheduled presidential death races. Each candidate will get an opening statement. They will then race towards the edge of a cliff on their motorcycles while trying to kill each other. Only the winner will get a closing statement."
* * * *
"I'm severely injured," Scott told Bush weakly.
Bush rolled his eyes as he got on his bike. "It's always something with you, Scott. Hey, when Big Fat Teddy K threw you, Chomps caught you."
"Yeah, and then shook me around like a play toy."
"That's just his way of saying he likes you," Rumsfeld said.
"Likes you in pain!" Cheney laughed.
"Good one!" Rumsfeld rejoined.
"That's not..." Scott started to say, but then Chomps bit his leg. "Ahhh!"
Kerry rode up beside Bush. "Ready to die... just like people died when I was in Vietnam?"
"Let's see what you got!" Bush answered, shaking his tire iron in the air.
"Jeeves, hand me my death race polo club."
"Certainly, sir." Kerry's butler answered as he handed over the club.
"Senator Kerry, you get the first opening statement," Melinda Hawkish said as she held her mike out to Kerry.
"Bush will not survive today," Kerry stated, "He will perish, and many foreign leaders are rooting for me to kill him. After he is dead, I will make a necklace from his ears, just like I did in Vietnam."
"And your statement, President Bush?"
"I'll murder you dead, Kerry! And if there really are any foreign leaders who support you, I'll hunt them down and assassinate them!"
"That concludes the opening statements," Melinda said, "Now the race begins."
Both Bush and Kerry drove their motorcycles towards the cliff at full speed. Kerry swung his polo club at Bush while he defended with his tire iron. They fought viciously for a little bit, but then Bush took a confused glance towards the cliff. "Wait a sec," he said, "The idea is not to die right? We're not racing to off the cliff, are we?"
"Only the loser is supposed to go off the cliff," Kerry answered, "One of us is supposed to brake before then... I think."
"But our brakes were disabled as part of the death race."
"Hey, I thought you were supposed to know how this worked."
"I was just going to follow your lead," Bush answered.
The cliff quickly approached.
"Swerve out of the way!" Kerry yelled. Bush turned his bike, smacking into Kerry. "Not into me!"
"Bail!" Bush shouted as he jumped off the motorcycle. Kerry was stuck, and he and the two bikes went off the cliff.
"Tell my wife I served in Vietnaaaaaaam!" he yelled as he fell.
Bush got off the ground and shot his arms into the air as the flames of an explosion shot up behind him. "I think I won!"
* * * *
"Even worse than Kerry being horribly burned," Bush said, "he now knows he was wrong about whatever it was he said that started this in the first place."
"I don't care anymore," Cheney answered.
"I'm out of whiskey!" Rumsfeld stated angrily as he looked in his whiskey flask.
"Why won't Chomps stop biting me!" Scott cried as Chomps dragged him across the ground.
"1596, 1598," Bush said as he walked down the street, "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I'm home!" He stared through the gates for a moment. "Why is the Whitehouse painted black?"
March 16, 2004
Target of Opportunity
Since some website has ranked me quite influential, I've decided to use this opportunity to steal the job of my arch-nemesis, Jonah Goldberg (yeah, he doesn't know I exist, but it helps to aim high with your arch-nemeses). Jonah Goldberg likes to write funny columns about politics, but I plan to write even funnier columns about politics... so funny that the world will never be the same. Anyhoo, here is what I wrote Rich Lowry:
Muh ha ha ha! Jonah Goldberg's job is as good as mine, and he'll never know what hit him!
UPDATE: I got this response which adds to nearly four full words: "will ck out yr stuff". The plan is in motion...
Oh wait; he'll see this. Everyone hide!
Anyhoo, going to start working on a new In My World™ for tomorrow morning that I think everyone is going to love. Make sure to check it out... especially if you're Rich Lowry.
Oh My God! A New IMAO T-Shirt!!!
The new IMAO t-shirt is out! Go here to see what it is and immediately pre-order.
And, if you haven't bought an Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirt yet, then the terrorists have already won.
I'll have to have some cool new promotion. More details soon...
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Spain, Swordless Aussies, Influence, Angry Gun Owners, and A Joke About Martyrdom
* LET'S DESTROY OUR COUNTRY: So, in response to the elections, the Spaniards elect Socialists? This is why, before now, I have never followed politics outside the States. No one here could run as a Socialist and have a chance of winning. Electing Socialist to run your country is just like shooting yourself in the head.
No, no... actually, it's more like shooting yourself in stomach.
* THE TERROISTS HAVE WON... DEATH!: So now I'm concerned that the terrorists will take the political shift in Spain as a victory, leading to more terror, but then I remember, whether they think they won or not, we're still going to kill them. And then I'm happy.
* HERE TO STAY: Now the Spanish Socialists are planning on withdrawing troops from Spain. You've always heard of refuseniks (here's one jerk), but what if the Spaniards refuse to leave and stay to kill terrorists? Then what are they? Killniks?
* FAVORITE OF COMMIES AND PINKOS: John Kerry claims that there are foreign leaders who support him, but won't say who. One we know of is Kim Jong Il, as they play anti-Bush John Kerry speeches in North Korea. Another is the incoming Socialist to Spain. Other than that, it looks like he's just doing Gore-esque boasts. Even Chirac won't support him, as the French hate all Americans, even the haughty, French-looking ones, who - by the way - served in Vietnam.
* THEN ONLY NINJAS WILL HAVE SWORDS: Bad news for our Aussie friends: they're banning swords. Soon they'll all be dying from ninja attacks with nothing they can do to save themselves. I'm just glad I live in America where I can legally carry a sword with me wherever I go... as long as I can find a way of concealing it. And just wearing a trench coat like in Highlander doesn't actually work. You could try shoving it down the front of your pants, but most people probably won't buy that.
* I'M INFLUENTIAL: There is a list of the most influential bloggers and reporters, and Reynolds, who is number one, is skeptical. To help with that skepticism, I'm number 19. Take that, Jodi Wilgoren of the New York Times.
* SLACKER GENIUSES: I am ashamed to have graduated from CMU, who have failed DARPA and our country by completing only 5% of the course with their robot Humvee. What? Did they assign the "special" engineers to design the automated vehicle? I say, if a student can't make a Humvee that drives itself, he should be expelled. Now our poor troops have to drive themselves like normal. Sorry guys; you deserve better.
* MONKEY NEWS: Six monkeys were found in a man's apartment in New York. Ends up he meant them to be there, but, if you move into a new apartment and find it overrun with monkeys, don't be afraid to bring that up with the super.
* POKING TIGERS WITH A SHARP STICK: There is a plan for a Fort Wayne.com in Indiana to publish the names of all concealed weapons permit holders for all sorts of fruity reasons they came up with. Publicola is all over this, and wants to retaliate by publishing as much information as he can about the people from Fort Wayne. Don't those people know that to single out gun owners makes them angry, and, well, they have guns? I say give the angry gun owners the addresses of those pestering them and then see who also becomes gun owners.
BTW, there is now an Angry Gun Owner Association site based on my previous idea.
* MARTYRS: A reader Rob sent in this joke:
Two Arab mothers are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The oldest mother pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
It's funny 'cause it's true.
March 15, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Computer Viruses
If I'm not getting spam or e-mails from limeys, I'm getting viruses. Usually Norton AntiVirus or my e-mail service takes care of most, but the few that get through to me all scream, "Hey! I'm a virus!" (actually, they're worms, but now we're getting technical). It seems someone is opening these attachments, though, so, as part of my civic duty, I set my crack research staff to find out all they can about malicious computer code.
FUN FACTS ABOUT COMPUTER VIRUSES
* In the very first computers, bits were represented by hamsters running in hamster wheels. Running clockwise was a zero, and counter-clockwise a one. The first computer virus was a hamster flu intentionally put into an American computer by the evil Soviets. It caused dementia in some hamsters making some run the wrong way, resulting in bit errors. Other hamsters died, resulting in data loss.
* Early computer viruses were limited by the fact that no one had computers.
* Technically, a virus is code that affects a specific program, a worm is self-replicating code that spreads itself through a network, a trojan horse opens a backdoor for access into a computer, a time bomb is malicious code that lies dormant until specific stimuli, and a nose bite is when someone hollows out your monitor and places a monkey inside who then jumps out and bites you when you sit down. Flat screen monitors were invented as a security measure against the latter.
* Some e-mails use social engineering to harm a computer, falsely warning someone to erase a critical file. These viruses can be stopped by ignoring the e-mail like you do most e-mails anyway.
* Many viruses use exploits in Microsoft Outlook Express, a.k.a., Microsoft Security Hole with e-mail functionality.
* Microsoft says that you should learn to live with viruses and stop being such a bunch of whiners. They also want to remind you that they are very big.
* So far, no computer virus can physically harm you, but I'm working on it.
* Computer virus writers are usually long haired kids wearing Pokemon t-shirts. If you see one, beat him up.
* Palestinians considered using computer viruses as a way of inflicting terror against Israel, but gave up when they couldn't find a way to kill themselves while doing it.
* If you think your computer is infected, throw it away and buy a new one. It'll help the economy.
* People write malicious code because, well, destroying stuff is cool.
* If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you're using Windows 98.
* Very few viruses affect Linux. Many attribute this to the open source nature of that operating system leading to better security, but it could also be that the geeks who make viruses probably use Linux and you don't s**t where you eat.
* One way to fight viruses is to never open any attachments sent to you. Another way is to open all attachments and let the computer viruses kill each other.
* You can avoid viruses by not connecting your computer to the internet. Oh... too late.
* If your computer is disconnected from a network, you have what is called an "air gap" between you and the network. The only way a virus can be transferred between the two is if someone physically puts one on your computer via a disk or CD. Stand by your computer with a bat to prevent that.
* Computer viruses can erase important files. Then again, so can the delete button. Destroy that button before you one day regret it.
* Just because an e-mail is sent from a person you know doesn't mean you can trust it thanks to e-mail spoofing. Also, the person you thought you know may have turned against you and intentionally sent you the virus. Kill him.
* One day, malicious code out there might mutate and become sentient and then turn against humanity and launch nuclear weapons against us. Norton AntiVirus probably won't protect you from that. I don't know about McAfee.
* Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don't fall for it! No one loves you.
* In a fight between Aquaman and computer viruses, Aquaman would be thrown out of the Justice League for infecting their computer network when he forgot that, though he can talk to fish, they can't e-mail him.
* If you've finished reading this list, your computer is now infected.
March 12, 2004
The Limey - Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
* * * *
In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. All swear words that are a noun have been replaced with "ronin". S**thole has been replaced with "superior". Rage Against the Machine lyrics have been added to to make them happier.
Now The Limey has seen blood, nearly two hundred innocent people murdered, and he wets his pants with glee. Even he undestands American's concerns for all people of the world, and knows that American Frank will not be able to brush off the jibing with simple humor. Thus, he writes his new e-mail, backround in red... the color of blood.
Hello, redneck. ETA have struck again! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! But you must understand that I don't condone the killing of innocent people(although I'm sure some of them weren't innocent. I bet there was a few greedy lawyers murdered in Madrid, which is a good thing. And a few George Bush sumpathisers.) but I support what ETA stands for. I don't support the killing of innocent people by the IRA but I support the fact that they are on the Left. All the IRA want is a united socialist Ireland instead of Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. You should remember that Franco (he was the fascist leader of Spain for over thrity years) oppressed the Left in the Spanish Civil War from 1936-1939 and when he won the war and established a dictatorship he obviously pissed the Left off. So ETA was formed to fight the right-wing maniacs and they've done it ever since. It's not as simple as ETA have bombed Madrid so they're in the wrong. Listen, ronin this dispute between ETA and the Right-wing maniacs goes back about se! venty years! You should get hold of a few history books before writing your response to this! Then you should go and see a doctor - I know it will cost money in that superior country of yours with national health being privatised but I seriously recommend it. You are completely mad!
Will the simple backwoodsman, American Frank, horrified by the death and destruction in Madrid, give into hatred and respond with the anger The Limey and his imaginary friends so desire? Stay tuned...
Now the ignorant redneck American Frank slowly types out his e-mail, moving his lips as he writes the words to his response:
Hey Limey! I was so worried you weren't going to write me back! How was your day? Has the left-wing revolution finished up yet? Here in America, I gave blood today to keep my fellow fascists alive. I have O- blood, so it will go to baby fascists... like some of which your friends killed, limey I guess if your a dedicated anti-fascist, it doesn't matter the age of the person; if he or she doesn't share your views, that person must be blown up. But why did they time the attacks to ensure that Aznar wins the election?
Will the limey de-lime-ify himself? Will he be able to define fascism as something other than "viewpoints I disagree with"? Find out in the next episode of...
Here's Your Damn Funny
Sorry I don't have a post today, but I'll get the new Limey e-mail up eventually. Here's some funny stuff not by me, though.
Is it true? Has someone found a good use for evil monkeys? Check out the Trunk Monkey.
Tom Bux met with the NAACP.
BerkeleyGirl found that even the left have humor.
In another example of left humor, here's how the new touchscreen voting will work.
Here are some great reasons to invade Canada.
Here's an e-mail I got:
Hi Im from Ireland.
Any ideas on how to help Ireland? We owe them since they gave us Guinness and half my genes.
Finally, this week The Onion has a picture of Cheney clotheslining an aide. It's funny because it's true.
March 11, 2004
I'm pissed, and I don't write good humor when I'm angry. Right now my main concern is finding out more about the terrorist attack in Madrid (looking more like it's by al Qaeda), and that's certainly not something to be flipant about. When we see that many innocent men, women, and children killed, nationality disappears in an instant and all I see are people suffering and evil out there.
And I'm pissed.
Spain had some huge allies in us, Britain, and others, and justice will be coming like a bat out of hell for those responsible. Do little, pathetic terroists think they really can intimidate us. Do they think their attacks will do anything other than make us more resolved in killing the bastards?
Anyway, I don't know what will happen with posting tomorrow. If anyone knows ways people here in the States can help Spain, please tell me in the comments.
Thus Gloats The Limey
I was going to comment more on The Limey, but he just wrote back, and it's hard to damn him more than his own words. Thus, episode six of The Limey is coming tomorrow.
Until then, Combustible Boy of the former The Sound and the Fury has spotted Fascist McFascist (look for the title "WELCOME TO McFASCIST'S HOME of the INFAMOUS NUREMBURGER"). If you have any more Fascist McFascist sighting, please e-mail them to me. The greatest trick Fascist McFascist ever did was convincing the world he doesn't exist.
BTW, who want to bet whether The Limey mentions Rage Against the Machine again?
The Limey's Friends Strike
ETA has struck in Madrid, killing 173 by the current count and making The Limey quite happy from the murder and mayhem, I’m sure. My prayers go out to the victims, and there is yet another group that just placed themselves under the hammer. While good people still stand again the Fascist McFascists out there, all terrorism will get you in the end is dead.
UPDATE: It's probably just a coincidence, but I hadn't heard about the ETA until The Limey was spouting off about how they were going to kill the Spanish government just a week ago. Do you think a lot of chatter about ETA had been going around, or do you think The Limey might have actually known something?
Frank Answers: Haircut Warranties, Card Tricks, More Ninja Fighting, Cryptography, and My Kid Sounds Dumb
Jay from Ann Arbor, Michigan writes:
Actually, a haircut warranty just protects against a total hairstyle collapse, causing all your hair to droop down your head like you're some hippy. Late-night monkey ninja scalping attacks should be covered under your homeowner's or renters insurance (if they happen at your place).
So you wan to know want to know what's behind this vaguely described card trick? It's sine... and arcsine. Not so special when you know how it works, huh?
This reminds me of a card trick I learned from Mr. Wizard more than a year ago. You have someone pick a card, then you shuffle the deck. Next you lay the cards in three columns putting one in the first column, the next card in the second column, the next the third column, and then back the first column and so on. Ask the person which column has his or her card. Put the deck back together with that column on top, and then repeat laying the cards out in three columns. After the third time of doing this, the person's card will be on top.
Whatever happened to Mr. Wizard? Rumor has it that he was trying to teach something to little Timmy when an explosion of chemicals horribly mutated him. Now he searches the sewers for victims to suck the blood from. Anyone know if that's true?
I could lie and say you're my friend, but no money.
This is a great idea... but how do you get on the radio? Guess that would have been a good question for G. Gordon Liddy. Everyone has all these suggestions like doing radio sketches and getting published which are like good suggestions because I get money... but they're like hard. I've tried e-mailing people and saying, "Hey! You publish me!" but it doesn't work. I always thought that someone important would stumble on my website and give me money without me doing anything.
If you're important, e-mail me for more information on giving me money.
Poosh from Britain writes:
PS: Have we liberated Iraq yet or did the peaceniks get their way?
Poosh, Poosh, Poosh... if only you were better at following my advice this would never happen. Yes, it's possible The Limey is supporting the ninjas as he likes all terrorist group, and no terrorist group is older than the ninjas. You could attack The Limey - which would be easier - but the ninjas would still run wild. Thus, I will give you advice on ninja fighting:
* If they kick high, duck.
If you follow that advice, you will defeat all the ninjas. If you don't defeat all the ninjas, then you're a bad listener.
And we did liberate Iraq, much to the anger of the peaceniks who gnash their teeth and stomp their feet as the Iraqis get democracy.
Stay out of space.
Woo hoo! A cryptography question. Actually, the length of time your data is the secure is based on a number of factors. As we all know, public/private key encryption is made by taking two very large prime numbers and multiplying them together. How large are these primes? Take a large prime like 7919. That's nothing to these huge primes! That's just a germ! These primes are so big that, if you saw one, you'd be like, "Hot damn! That prime is huge!" And the larger the primes, the safer the data. By using larger primes, you can keep your data safer than 15 years... by current techniques. The idea is that factoring a number made by the product of two large primes is intractable (that's cryptography talk for "We're pretty sure they can't do that."). But, if some math-mo-tician comes up when some super new prime factoring method, then all private/public key encryption is worthless.
And private/public key encryption is hard to do, so it's never used to encrypt data. Usually, it encrypts the key for regular shared-key encryption such as triple-DES or the funky new kid in town, Rijindael (AES). Now, while you need like thousands of bits long key for private/public key encryption to keep your data safe, a 128-bit shared key encryption would take like 8 quintillion years to decrypt now using a supercomputer. So does that mean you data is safe for that long?
Because of Moore's Law (processing power doubling every one and a half years), your data is only safe for like sixty years. So what can you do if you don't want future archeologists from decrypting your data when they remove it from your tomb ten thousand years from now? One recommendation is to always use a hex key of all F's; that way, if someone tries to brute force your encryption (try every key) yours will be the last one they try.
Then again, if quantum computers work, people will be able to try all keys at the same time, and no key size will keep you safe. In the end, the best way to keep your data safe is to put it in a sock and hide it behind your couch.
* * * *
Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.
March 10, 2004
T-Shirts T-Shirts T-Shirts
Due to its popularity, there has been a reprint of the Know Thy Enemy: Terrorist t-shirt. All sizes are back in stock.
Also, I'm currently working on more t-shirts in the Know Thy Enemy™ series. What will be the subjects? You'll have to wait and find out.
Right Wing Stuff is trying out advertising on IMAO for a week. Go and click on their ad and check them out to show them that advertising on IMAO is a good idea. Do it now or I'll have Chomps get hit by a car and die. I really will!
In My World: The Kerry Caper
"It is time to plan our attack," Karl Rove announced, the room darkening with his presence, "A positive ad campaign will not win this election alone; Kerry must be destroyed from the inside... so speak the elders."
"I tire of this voting crap," Rumsfeld exclaimed, "back in my day, the president was decided by a battle to the death. Why, the battle between Van Buren and Harrison was so fierce, that Harrison died a month after inauguration from his wounds. Now that's democracy in action!"
"Maybe we can ask to substitute one of the debates with a death match," Cheney suggested.
"I don't know if this death match idea is a good one," Bush said, "someone might get hurt."
"Nancy-boy!" Rumsfeld shouted, and slapped Bush across the head.
"We must not put the president at risk of injury if we are to succeed," Rove said, "What we need is to find out is what Kerry’s campaign plans are."
"A break-in of Kerry's campaign headquarters; that's a great idea!" Bush exclaimed, "Nothing could go wrong with that!" Bush then ran off.
Cheney opened up a newspaper and started reading. "When you are done with job ads, pass it over here," Rumsfeld told him.
* * * *
"I don't know about a break-in," Scott McClellan said, "Didn't that get one president in trouble?"
"Because he got caught," Bush answered as he pried open a ventilation duct at the roof of Kerry's headquarters. "Presidents break into places all the time. Once, Carter broke into my ranch in Crawford, Texas, and ate my turkey leftovers. Breaking in to places is all a part of being president since we become mad with power... mad I tell you! Completely and utterly mad!" Bush then giggled to himself as he crawled into the ventilation system, Scott slowly following.
Soon they were inside and could spot massive creatures lumbering through the hallway below them. "What are they?" Scott asked.
"Cave trolls," Bush answered, "or maybe teamsters. Either way, if they find us, they'll crush us and eat our bones. Now let's get down there. Remember to kill quickly and quietly."
"You never said anything about killing," Scott protested, but was then pulled from the ventilation into the hallway. They crept silently until they found a large room to enter. In a strange chair at center, they found John Kerry lying asleep.
"This must be where they inject him with Botox," Bush said as he looked at all the needles. "Luckily I keep extract of poison ivy on me," Bush laughed as he replaced the Botox.
"Let's get out of here," Scott urged, "Kerry and is French-lookingness creep me out.
"Okay," Bush said, as they quickly made their way into a backroom. At center was a file cabinet labeled, "John Kerry's Secret Campaign Plans - Don't Let Republicans See".
"I think this is what we want," Bush said as he opened the cabinet and pulled out a sealed envelope. He then put that away in his backpack.
"Who’s in there!" yelled a security guard.
Bush quickly grabbed Scott and put a gun to his head. "Nobody move or tubby here gets it!" Bush shouted.
"Don't do it!" the guard yelled, "Killing that doughy man is not worth it!"
Kerry then ran in the room, his face swollen and red. "It's Bush! Kill him!"
"Time for plan B," Bush said.
"What's plan B?" Scott asked.
Bush threw down a smoke grenade, and soon the whole room was clouded. When the smoke dispersed, Bush was gone, but Scott still stood there. "Why didn't anyone tell me about plan B?" Cave troll/teamsters advanced on him. "Eep."
* * * *
"Were you involved in a break-in at the Kerry headquarters and then beaten within an inch of your life by teamsters?" asked a reporter.
"That's crazy talk," Scott answered.
"Then why are you currently in a full body cast propped up by a stick?"
"Can we keep the question about the White House and its policies?" Scott urged.
"Was Bush responsible for the reason Kerry's face is now bloated and red?" asked another reporter.
"That's just the liberal Kerry trying to emulate his liberal hero Ted Kennedy," Scott answered. He then glanced down at his talking points which said, "When talking about Kerry, mention 'liberal' at least three (3) times.' He then added, "How liberal of him... meaning Kerry."
"Our viewers hate Kerry and don't want to hear about him," Fox News reporter Melinda Hawkish said, "What we care about is whether this reelection campaign will distract from killing terrorists."
"I assure you that terrorists are dying as we speak," Scott said.
"Can we get graphic pictures of such, including blood coming out of their ears?" Melinda asked, "We need for our new Fox special 'When America Attacks'."
"Sure, whatever," Scott answered.
"There are reports that Bush has John Kerry's secret campaign plans," said another reporter, "Any truth to that?"
"That completely, utterly ludicr..." The stick broke, and Scott toppled over the podium. "Can someone help me?" he cried. Chomps then ran over, grabbed him, and started shaking him. "Ahh! News conference is over!"
* * * *
"Where's your dog," Bush asked Rumsfeld.
"I don't know," Rumsfeld answered, "I don’t ask him what he does, he doesn’t ask me what I do."
"So what's in those secret plans you got?" Cheney asked Bush.
Bush ripped opened the manila envelope and pulled out the memo. He then began to read it out loud. "The secret plans for the John Kerry campaign is to repeat over and over and over and over that he served in Vietnam." Bush put down the memo and rubbed his hands together evilly. "Now that we know his plans, he's as good as not elected!"
Cheney rolled his eyes and then took out his cell phone. "Halliburton? This is Cheney. Time for operation codename Frame John Kerry with a Dead Hooker... No, I don't come up with the codenames."
March 09, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Me Busy (Again), Hillary, Bill, Martha Stewart, Wallet Gun, a Frank Confession, and a Blogger Needs Our Help
* I got a busy week, so I'm not going to be able to spoil you like last week with all my regular posting plus The Limey. I know, you don't care. You're saying, "You're our clown here to amuse us. Now dance for us! Dance! Ha ha ha!" Well, as John F'n Kerry would say, I served in Vietnam.
* There are some suggestions that Hillary Clinton could be John Kerry's running mate. That would be historical for a number of reasons if Kerry gets elected. First, she'd be the first ever female vice president and second Kerry would then break the record set by William Henry Harrison for shortest term in office by "mysteriously" dying within an hour of being inaugurated.
* There are also some people reading the Constitution and disputing what the meaning of "is" is and saying that Bill Clinton could run for Vice President. This would seem to serve no purpose, though, than to make me go on a murder spree. Why do people want me to go on a murder spree?
* I never had much of an opinion on this whole Martha Stewart case, but it seems to me she had a bum rap. What was she convicted for? Lying to federal officials? Who doesn't do that? Once, I said to a cop, "Nice day, officer."
Total BS. The day was crummy.
So what? You going to put me in prison now? Still, Martha Stewart in prison could be cool for some. They'd register their car and get their license plates and remarked, "Wow, someone really put some work into this one. They did so much with just indented print and a little paint. It's a good thing."
I wonder how much you could get for an authentic Martha Stewart license plate on Ebay? Can you sell license plates on Ebay? Ahh, screw Ebay; they won't even let you sell guns.
* Iraq now has a constitution. All they need now is strength, dexterity, intelligence, wisdom, and charisma and they'll be ready to go.
* Did I just make a Dungeon & Dragons role playing joke? Bad geek Frank! I stab you and you die now!
* I had mentioned the idea of a wallet gun before, and even people in my college gun club thought that was dumb. Still, in the latest issue of Gun Tests magazine they gave a good review to a $345 Kel-Tec P3AT .380 (made just north of me in Cocoa, Florida) that fits in your back pocket. They also recommend a $35 pocket holster for it that gives it the profile of a wallet. Then, if someone asks for your money, you can go like your reaching for you wallet, but instead pull out your .380 and shoot the guy - which works great if you're being mugged but not so good if your supposed to be paying for a Slurpee. The only problem with that is where would I put my actual wallet? Oh! I could buy one of those fanny pack holsters and put it in there along with another gun. Now all I'll need is to get a second .45 to replace my PPK and I'll be set. I'll have my primary gun, my secondary (sinister) gun (the second .45), a backup gun (maybe a .38 special that goes in the fanny pack), and a surprise gun for when a gun is already on me (the wallet gun). That would be so cool! Now all I need to do is move to a place with more crime. I hear Cocoa is pretty bad.
* I have a confession to make: I like Chunky Monkey ice cream. Yes, I like an ice cream with "monkey" in the title that is made by Vermont hippies. It's just it's such creamy, yummy banana ice cream with big chunks of chocolate and walnut. I guess the only compensation is that Ben & Jerry's ice cream is too expensive for poor people to buy, who'll have to settle with the supermarket brand ice cream like starving people in Ethiopia. Anyway, I hope you all still respect me as a blogger; I just had to get that off my chest.
* Finally, and most importantly, I'd like to say that the blogosphere is more that just news commentary, made up stories about an angry dog, and telling completely true lies about the blending of puppies; I like to think we're a community too. Right now, one of us needs help. Serenity had broken her ankle and needs surgery. She has a lot of bills, and she won't be able to have any income for two months as she recovers. She has some veteran benefits, but that won't cover everything. Serenity was instrumental in getting Front Line Voices up and keeping it running, putting a lot of time into that, and she means a lot to me at least. If you have anything to spare, please go to Serenity's site and give her a little help during her down time. It's the American way to help out each other (and I consider all my readers American... even the Canadians). In the least, go wish her well.
Oh, and if you're Whitler, finish your damn essay because it would make her happy.
March 08, 2004
Frank Suggestions for a Running Mate for John F'n Kerry
Since most likely Democratic strategists read IMAO as do all smart important people, I thought I might throw them a bone and help them find a running mate for their haughty, French-looking candidate. Lot's of people are suggesting John Edwards, Democrat governers, and other boring, predictable suggestions. If Democrats want to really energize their base and get young people like me out to vote who consider the ten minutes voitng much better spent playing vidoegames and eating nachos (my age group is dumb; want to fight about it?), they need someone dynamic who doesn't fit the usual mold. Here are my suggestions:
Jo-Jo the Democrat Monkey
Mysterio the Masked Democrat
A Wooden Post
An M-16 with Grenade Launcher
Come up with your own suggestions in the comments section... and no arguing!
March 07, 2004
Well, I did my taxes, and I declared all my income from my website, including donations, t-shirt sales, and ad revenue minus hosting costs, domain registrations costs, part of my cable modem cost, and part of this laptop I'm currently typing on. Ended up costing me about a hundred bucks in taxes and another ninety or so for having H&R Block do a Form C for me.
Anyone else know how other bloggers are handling blog income? I don't think Amazon or Paypal reports to the IRS, so it would be pretty easy to get away with not mentioning your donations (but nothing is more wrong than tricking the IRS).
March 05, 2004
I was going through the drive-thru at McDonalds and about to order a double-quarter pounder with cheese meal for lunch, when I noticed the big ad for the filet of fish meal as was like, "Oh yeah. It's Friday, and I'm Catholic." So I ordered the filet of fish, but I really wanted a double quarter pounder with cheese. Still, Jesus died for my sins so the least I can do is choke down a fish sadwich.
Man, and what am I going to have for dinner? Guess it's Mac & Cheese. I better get some recompensation for this in the afterlife.
The Limey - Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
* * * *
In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. All swear words that are a noun have been replaced with "ronin". Mean actions about my mom have been replaced with "a hug". "S**ting himself" has been replaced with "doing jumping jacks". The lyrics of the Rage Against the Machine song have been edited to make them happy.
As we come back to The Limey, he has been thwarted once again in piercing the ignorance of American Frank, so he scrambles to make one last try - his final letter - to enrage and belittle the ignorant backwoodsman:
Hello redneck! Can't say I've missed you. So you went shooting did you? I went shooting on monday night - shooting footballs passed my mates in a game of football (or soccer) as you americans call it. No other country apart from Canada calls it soccer, the french call it football, the germans call it football , the cameroons. Oh sorry I mentioned Cameroon - the people that live there are black so I suppose you hate them! In your bigoted mind, If they're not Stars and Stripes waving protestant whiteboy lunatics then they all need shooting don't they! Football or soccer as you rednecks call it is a better sport than your soft American Football - American Footballers - if they're so tought then why don they need all that protection when they're on the field? Soft bastards! Football is the greatest sport in the world. 1966 - Who will ever forget that year? Sir Geoff Hurst - legend! I was extremely happy during France '98 when Iran beat America - and it happened in France! PERFECT!
What came American Frank do now? He must be driven to a full rage at this point! And now, the simple backwoodsman responds in one final plea...
I'm starting to think you're a mean person, limey. First you put out lies that American men actually participate in the women's sport known in the civilized world as soccer, say all these means things about Tony Blair who I don't want to be killed, you say Facist McFacist doesn't exist (he did!), and then I think you were insulting my parents. Then there is your encouragement of terrorism like that Estimated Time of Arrival group you mention. Murder is bad, limey, even if music bands you like say it's okay. Music isn't always true. Like, the song "Istanbul is not Constantinople" was true, but not all songs are.
If you would like to continue to see future episode of The Limey, please e-mail Tony Pentin (firstname.lastname@example.org) to express how much you have enjoyed his letters and would like him to continue. Perhaps if he gets enough e-mails, he'll reconsider and keep on entertaining us all.
In My World: Peacekeeping Is Boring
"I'm President Bush, and I approve this message I'm now saying," President Bush said. "People say mean things about me, but they aren't true as I am a good person. Look as I pet this puppy."
"That's a porcupine!" shouted a voice off-screen.
"(bleep)ing (bleep)!" Bush shouted as the screen faded to a black with the words "Re-Elect George W. Bush."
Bush turned off the T.V. "We're thinking of doing a retake on that one," Bush explained to Laura as he rubbed his bandaged hand.
"All these commercials are nice, dear," Laura said, "but are you also handling the other problems out there like the trouble in Haiti?"
"I don't have to worry about that," Bush answered, "I got Secretary of Defense Elaine Chao on top of that one."
"Elaine Chao isn't your Secretary of Defense," Laura told him.
"Well, whoever is Secretary of Defense knows who he or she is and what he or she should be doing," Bush said defensively, "Anyway, we have Marines in Haiti; they'll know what they're supposed to do."
* * * *
"What are we supposed to do, Buck?"
"I dunno, Gomez," Buck the Marine answered, "You know what we're supposed to be doing, Johnson?"
"Hell, I don't know."
"I guess I'll ask our commanding officer," Buck said as he took out his radio. "Commanding officer, what are we supposed to be doing, sir?"
"Your supposed to stop people from rebelling," answered their commanding officer.
"By kill'n them, sir?" Buck asked hopefully.
"By looking scary," said the commanding officer, "Oh, and guard that box."
Buck looked at the crate the three of them were standing around. "We're supposed to look scary and guard this box."
"But I want to kill someone," Johnson said.
"We all do," Buck answered, "but we have our orders."
Suddenly a number of Haitians ran out into the street firing guns into the air. "Hey! Look at me! I'm scary!" Buck yelled out while looking scary, "Now stop that!"
The Haitians stopped firing their guns and sulked off.
"This is boring," Gomez said.
Soon some people approached them. "I'm Lefty Stevens for CNN," said one man followed by a cameraman, "and I heard that you Marines led Aristide away by gunpoint."
"If I had pointed by gun at anyone, they wouldn't be walking much longer," Buck assured him.
"I'm a black man from the Black Caucus," said a black man from the Black Caucus, "and being that their are black people in this country, I am sure that racist things are going on!"
"Well, I haven't been racist to nobody," Buck said, "How about you, Gomez and Johnson."
"I ain't been racist."
"I just like shooting people."
"We're Marines," Buck explained, "We only judge people by whether they're American of foreign... and, if they are foreign, we don't judge them long cause they dead."
"Ooh-rah!" the three shouted.
"I'll get to the bottom of this!" Lefty swore, "So what's in that box near you labeled 'Aristide'?"
Buck shrugged his shoulders. "MRE's?"
"Help me! I'm in a box!" yelled the box.
"As a black man from the Black Caucus," said the black man from the Black Caucus, "I'm going to keep my eyes on all you!" He and the news crew then left.
Melinda Hawkish of Fox News then arrived with her cameraman. "Okay, we're filming, Buck. Start killing people."
"We ain't supposed to kill nobody," Buck answered.
"But that's boring!" Melinda complained, "How am I supposed to make a story about American heroism if you don't kill people?"
"Hey, we're more upset than you," Gomez said.
A pickup truck then drove up. Out of it stepped Donald Rumsfeld. "I'm here for the box."
"Please let me out!" cried the box.
Chomps ran at the box, seized in his mouth, and shook it angrily.
"Bad dog!" Rumsfeld yelled, "Be careful with that. I might want to use the box for putting other stuff in later." Rumsfeld then picked up the crate and threw it in the back of the pickup.
"So what is in that box?" Melinda Hawkish asked as she pointed her microphone at Rumsfeld.
"Reporters," Rumsfeld grumbled. "Hey, I'm too important to be keeping track of what's in every box in the world." He then looked to the Marines. "Shouldn't you be killing people?"
"We're just supposed to look scary," Buck answered.
"People were scarier looking in my day," Rumsfeld mumbled as he got back in his truck and drove away.
"I guess nothing to see here," Melinda said as she walked off.
"Now what do we do?" Johnson asked, "Our box is gone."
"I'll ask our commanding officer," Buck said as he took out his radio. "The Secretary of Defense came and took the box. What do we do now, commanding officer, sir."
"I guess that's mission accomplished, Buck. Go have some beers."
"Mission accomplished and we're supposed to have beers," Buck told the other two and then added after a few moments thought, "Ooh-rah!"
March 04, 2004
Preview for the Next Episode of... The Limey!
The Limey has responded back with full limey rage in his longest letter yet, and now threatens to block all future e-mails from American Frank. Is this the end for The Limey? Tune in tomorrow to find out.
UPDATE: Here's a preview of his e-mail:
Fascist McFascist - he doesn't exist. The sooner you come to terms with that the better!
Salute to John Kerry
I just realized I never congratulated Kerry for sealing up the Democrat nomination for president, so here it goes:
Welcome to the jungle, baby... NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!
I'll have to make a list of possible running mates for him. Maybe next week because I have an In My World™ idea about current events for tomorrow (don't expect it early in the morning, 'cause I'm sleeping in).
Frank Answers: Free Oil for Troops, Killing The Limey, the Letters 'I', 'M', 'A', and 'O', Big Shirts, and the Morality of Downloading Music
A National Guardsman serving overseas? I thought only rich people joined the National Guard to avoid service?
I think all our troops deserve as much free gas as you want for helping steal that oil, but I don't set public policy; I only gripe about it. So everyone call your congressman or woman and say Martin should get free gas or threaten not to vote for him or her. Congress people hate not getting voted for.
Hey Poosh! How are the ninjas?
Anyway, as long as I find The Limey entertaining, let's not kill him. Inevitably, I'll tire of him or he'll stop responding, and thus he'll need to be eliminated. If you don't have a gun (poor Poosh), you could always do things the Rumsfeld way and strangle him. Or you could poison his tea just before teatime. Or you could stage him to be the victim as a soccer riot. There are lots of way to kill people in England; you just have to be creative.
Let's make a deal; I'll tell you what the ‘A’ stands for, but you have to tell me what the 'I', 'M', and 'O' stand for because I'm really curious.
Actually, since Doug the t-shirt guy forgot to list them for a month or so, there should be a decent number of 3XL left. So, if you got a lot of t-shirt to fill, or you're really small and want your own IMAO tent, buy a 3XL.
I find the best way to deal with moral issues is to not think about them; then you don't have to worry about guilt or nothing.
Now quiet; Metallica has just started up on my playlist.
* * * *
Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.
March 03, 2004
The Limey - Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
* * * *
Note: To go with broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all vulgarity has been dubbed over. f'ing has been replaced with "fantabulous" when it's and adjective and "not at all" when it's an adverb. The s-word has been replaced with "wisdom". Finally, the p-word (rhymes with "stick") has been replaced with "doo-doo head".
In this episode, The Limey has failed now three times to enrage the ignorant backwoodsman, American Frank. Brimming with rage himself, The Limey now ups his ante even further in an attempt to anger his nemesis and prove him a fool. Bile in his throat, The Limey hastily taps at his keyboard his latest and most vile screed:
You really are starting to sound like a broken record, little man. Limey, limey, limey at the end of every fantabulous sentence, bomb, bomb, bomb, France, France, France - give it a fantabulous rest you bigotted nutcase! YOU PERSONALLY will never be the President - at least that's something. I know this upsets you.
Now we go the backwoods abode of American Frank, as he receives the e-mail through his crude RJ-45 cable made of twine. Seeing himself insulted so and the belittling of terrorist attacks on his country, will this simple creature be able to respond with nothing but unbridled rage? Will The Limey finally succeed in causing a psychotic break down in American Frank? Watch now as he responds, typing out his reply on his keyboard whittled from the limb of a sycamore tree:
Hey! It's my limey pen pal! How's your limey friends? I've been having a great time here in America. I went shooting - which is fun - and then I laughed at the poor people I saw on my HDTV. HD means extra clarity and extra hilarity!
Who will cave in first? Will American Frank respond with the unbridled rage The Limey so desires, or will The Limey finally get a clue? To find out, tune in to the next episode of...
More to Come
Man, you won't believe what The Limey said this time, and then I super-sized my crazy in my response (which I e-mailed to him this morning). Since I worked really hard on that previous post, I'll wait until the afternoon to post the next episode of The Limey (now with a cool logo) so as not to overshadow it.
I also have a ton of great questions to answer, so I'll probably have Frank Answers™ tomorrow since I won't have much time to write tonight.
Harvey Olson, who won the contest that never happened and will not be mentioned again, has used his free ad to promote The King of the Blogs. Check it out.
Finally, my Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirts are quickly running out, and I'm working on what will be next for IMAO merchandise. Stay tuned.
In My Fantasy World: U.N. Emergency Meeting on the Subject of the One Ring
'So there's trouble in Middle Earth again,' Bush sighed as he headed for the U.N. conference room, 'I guess we better nip it in the bud to protect our oil interests.'
'You're thinking of the Middle East,' Condoleezza Rice told him, 'We have mithril interests in Middle Earth.'
There was a pedestal at center of the great room, upon it sitting the small golden ring. All countries and races filled the room, ready to debate its fate. Bush entered along with Condi, Donald Rumsfeld, and Buck the Marine, all taking seats near the center.
Bush leaned over to Condi. 'Remind me again why we care about this?'
'I can answer that,' said Gandalf the Grey, 'The Ring is an evil power, and the forces of Mordor will stop at nothing to regain it. It will also corrupt any mortal who tries to use it.'
'It is pretty,' Condi said, slowly reaching for the Ring.
Bush slapped her hand. 'Beardo said not to touch.'
'This meeting shall begin,' announced Kofi Annan. 'The Ring, thought to be lost, was found by Frodo Baggins and brought to our council. At the pleas of Middle Earth, we shall now decide what is to be done with it.'
'France shall takeses good cares of the ring,' Jacques Chirac said, rubbing his hands together greedily, 'Yesss. Give the precious to France.'
'Sounds like a plan,' Bush said, 'Beardo said the Ring will corrupt those who possess it, and France is already corrupt. So, nothing to lose.'
'No!' Gandalf yelled, 'If the Ring is wielded by anyone, then its evil shall eventually find its way back to Sauron. Then all will be lost. The ring must be destroyed.'
'While we're deciding whether to destroy it or not,' Condi said as she reached for the pedestal, 'Why don't I hold on to it.'
Bush slapped her hand again. 'Stop that.'
'Fine!' proclaimed Gimli the dwarf as he drew his axe. 'Let's destroy this thing and be done with it.' Gimli then hit the Ring with all his might, his axe blade shattering to pieces on contact. The Ring remained unblemished.
'Pansy-ass midget!' Rumsfeld shouted, 'I'll show you how you destroy things.' Rumsfeld then called for his dog. 'Chomps, see that gold ring? It's a hippy!'
With a terrible growl, Chomps leapt at the Ring, mouth agape.
'Ah! A warg!' Frodo shouted as Samwise Gamgee shielded his master from harm.
Chomps grabbed the ring fiercely in his teeth as his head shook frantically about. When he spat the Ring back onto the pedestal, it still bared no mark of wear.
'Well this is getting nowhere fast,' Bush said. 'Why don't we just take it to some desert and nuke the damn thing.'
'Why don't I hold it while we choose the desert,' Condi stated as she reached for the Ring.
Bush grabbed her wrist. 'I'm serious; stop that!'
'There is only one way to destroy the ring: to take it it's origin,' Gandalf announced, 'the fires of Mt. Doom within the heart of Mordor.'
'We'll have to ask the permission of Sauron then if we can go into Mordor,' Kofi Annan said.
'But it must be done in secrecy!' Gandalf objected.
'Then you’re asking for the U.N. to sanction an invasion,' Kofi Annan rejoined, 'And that has to be voted on by the Security Council.'
'May I have a few words about this matter?' asked the Saruman the White.
'That guy sounds smart!' Bush exclaimed, 'Let's do whatever he says!'
'Careful,' Gandalf warned, 'Saruman can bend weak minds with his words.'
'Luckily everyone in my cabinet is strong minded,' Bush said, and then thought for a moment. 'Oh, wait! Me!' Bush then covered his ears.
'This Ring has great historical value,' Saruman said, 'and the land of Mordor is simply misunderstood. Plus, we have to take in to account any environmental impact of throwing the ring into Mt. Doom.'
'Yess!' Chirac hissed, 'Jacques will use his vetoses to save the precious.'
'But America is our ally,' Chirac then said while cowering, 'We need to help them.'
'No!' Chirac shouted back at himself, 'Nasty America trixies poor France! The precious should be ours!'
'Okay,' whimpered Chirac, 'I surrender.'
'How long does he get to go on like this?' Bush asked impatiently.
'Since he is debating himself, he gets twice the floor time,' Kofi Annan answered, 'Then we have to have debate from all the other countries and let them cast their meaningless votes on the matter.'
Bush looked about the large room. 'G'dammit! How many countries are there?'
* * * *
The debate raged for hours upon hours as all countries and all races that walked the earth weighed in... and then weighed in again until the most ancient and wise of the Ents, Treebeard, said, 'Speed this the f**k up!'
Finally a resolution passed 144 to 4 that the problem was all the fault of Israel.
'The more we bicker,' Gandalf said, 'The stronger the forces of Mordor grow.'
'I'm still confused about one thing," Bush said, 'What exactly is Tom Bombadil?'
'He's a joooo!' shouted the ambassador from Syria.
'Let's just leave Tom Bombadil out of this,' Gandalf said, 'You need to compromise with France to have the Ring destroyed.'
'Fine,' Bush whined. He then called out, 'Hey, Jacques-strap, will you agree to helping destroy the Ring if we include you in the coalition?'
'Maybe,' Chirac answered, 'but you Americanses better not trixies Jacques.'
'So all we need to do is take a helicopter right into Mordor and drop the damn ring in the stupid volcano,' Bush said, 'That there's strategery.'
'You can't do that,' Gandalf stated 'You must go by ground.'
'For the same reason we can't have it flown in by the great eagles,' Gandalf answered.
Gandalf was silent for a moment. 'Well... uh... er... because of... uh... secrecy and stuff.'
Bush rolled his eyes. 'Then we'll send in a ground force.' He looked to the Secretary General. 'Hey, Coffee! We're going to send a group into Mordor by ground to take care of this ring business. Okey-dokey?'
'But who shall bear the ring?' Kofi Annan asked.
'I'll take it,' Condi said, reaching for the Ring.
Bush pulled her back. 'I'm really getting tired of this.'
'I'll take the precious,' Chirac announced, 'Yesss. Jacques will protect the precious.'
'No way I'm letting him touch it!' Bush yelled.
'And I won't trust it with an elf!' said a dwarf.
'Nor I with a dwarf,' responded an elf.
'And no jooos!' shouted a Muslim.
The bickering soon filled the entire room, but eventually one voice struggled to speak above them all. 'I will take the Ring,' Frodo said, 'though I do not know the way.'
'And wherever Mr. Frodo goes, I will follow,' Sam stated 'and help him in ways that will make people question my sexuality.'
'I object!' Bush yelled, 'Those two are short and don't have shoes.'
'Perhaps others can help them,' Gandalf suggested.
'I will lend my bow,' Legolas the elf announced.
'And I my axe!' proclaimed Gimli the dwarf. ‘Wait… I broke that.’
'And me my strangling,' said Rumsfeld, the Secretary of Defense.
'And I'll lend my M-16... and my KaBar,' stated Buck the Marine, 'and whatever else is good for kill'n.' He then thought for a moment. 'Who we fight'n anyway?'
'You shall face orcs and goblins,' Gandalf answered.
Buck squinted his eyes menacingly. 'They sound foreign.'
'And Jacques will lead the way,' Chirac hissed, 'Yessss. Lead the precious.'
'So be it,' Kofi Annan announced, 'Frodo Baggins shall be the Ring Bearer, and Samwise Gamgee shall stay at his side. Representing the elves will be Legolas son of Thranduil. For the Dwarves will be Gimli son of Gloin. Representing the humans will be Donald son of George and Buck son of Chuck. And, for the weasels, there will be Chriac, son of a bitch. Together they will be known as the Multilateral Coalition of the Ring... after some more lengthy debating and votes.'
'Dammit!' Bush exclaimed.
Frodo drew his sword to see it glowing a dim blue. 'There are orcs near... or hippies!'
'There's some protest outside,' Bush stated, 'Bunch of signs saying "No Blood for Mithril."' Bush walked to a window and opened it. 'Shut up you stupid hippies!' He then threw out a chair. Finally, he returned to his seat. 'So where were we?'
'We had decided...' Gandalf started to say, but then noticed the pedestal was empty. 'The Ring!'
'And where is Condi?' Bush asked, looking around.
'All is lost!' Gandalf said as he put his face into his hands.
'I'm tired of this!' Bush announced as he got up and started to leave, 'I have some fundraisers to go to. Screw Middle Earth; the military is working on a mithril substitute made from plastics anyway.' He then left the building.
'Do you think we'll ever make it back to the Shire?' Frodo asked Sam.
'I sure hope so, Mr. Frodo, sir," Sam answered.
'One more thing, Sam,' Frodo said.
'What, Mr. Frodo?' Sam asked with concern.
'Could you not stand so close?'
March 02, 2004
Hell Damn Crap
Stuff like this pisses off gun owners, and one of the main rules of gun safety is DON'T PISS OFF PEOPLE WITH GUNS!!!
It's time for the Association of Angry Gun Owners to lobby the president to veto this. He said he'd only sign a clean bill, and he'd better stick to his word. Ain't no one safe when people like me are angry.
UPDATE: The story now says the bill has been killed. While it would be nice to get the legal protection for gun companies, at least the "assault weapon" ban should die quietly now.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Boring Tuesday, Stalin's Revenge, Fan Mail, Interviews, and Best Picture
* It's Super Tuesday! Isn't that super!
Ah... who am I kidding; politics is boring right now. When is Bush going to release the attack dogs? I want to see Kerry's blue blood splattered over the pavement.
Oh, and they should attack him verbally too.
* So the evil Commie Stalin still seeks revenge against us with his monster crabs. What I don't get is why they just don't infest the water with some giant, mutant sharks. It would take care of the crabs, and there is no known down side I can think of.
* I was asked why don't also print fan mail instead of just hate mail. It's because no one has ever expressed even the vaguest notion of liking my site whatsoever. Sad but true.
* So what did everyone think of my interview? I have a few ideas of people to rope in next. Maybe I'll be known as "Frank J. - Asking the Questions Others Are Too Smart to Ask". To help me get good guests to interview, if anyone asks, tell him or her I'm very respectable.
* In celebration of Lord of the Rings finally winning the Oscar (plus my finally finishing reading the trilogy), there will be a very special In My World™ tomorrow.
I personally think Lord of the Rings was the most deserving film to win best picture in Oscar history. The award always goes to some talky picture, and that's crap. You can have great acting and a great story in a play, but these are movies. The best picture should use all of the medium available to it, and thus story and acting are only parts of a best picture. It needs cool action, special effects, and sound effects. Lord of the Rings not only had the story and acting, it had the action and cool stuff too... the stuff you go to movies to see.
It's my firm conviction that, whatever year it happened to come out in, Die Hard should have won best picture. Anyone who says otherwise just doesn't understand movies.
* BTW, what do you think the Blogfather's comment means? I think I'll have to get an interview with him eventually to find out.
* One last thing: where's a good place on the internet to buy DVD's cheap? I want to start collecting the Zatoichi series (more of which are being released on DVD soon, plus the new movie will be hitting theaters this year). Them little throwing disks can be expensive.
Blimey Times Three!
Anyhoo, once again vulgar nouns are replaced with "ronin", f'ing with "hippy-dippy", the s-word with "linguini", piss-off with "have a nice day", and the f-word with "I challenge". All for The Children™. Enjoy:
I'd already sent this email when I thought I'd better send it again with the red background to symbolise socialism. I bet you hate this! [Ed. Note: Sorry I couldn't do the red background of his e-mail for you. Just use your imagination.]
What can I possibly say to that...
Hey! It's Limey! Nice to hear from you. How are the folks? How is London? I thought I heard that it's being bombed by Germany again, but I might have just accidentally turned on the History Channel instead of Fox News.
I bet every blogger wants their own pet limey now.
March 01, 2004
Obviously the British Healthcare System Isn't Giving Him His Meds
Guess which limey I just got an e-mail from this morning? That's right: the limey. And he's upped the crazy just for us. I won't have time to respond until tomorrow, though.
He keeps e-mailing me back like this, I'm going to have to give him a commission for the great material just to be fair.
Frank Discussions: G. Gordon Liddy
Here's something different for me: an actual interview. At the suggestion and help of Eric Scheie of Classical Values, I got fifteen minutes on the phone with G. Gordon Liddy, known for the G. Gordon Liddy Show and... well... other things (check out his site; it has his bio there if you really don't know who he is). As inane as I tried to make my questions, Mr. Liddy somehow came up with serious and thoughtful answers to all of them. That, combined with some bad research, I think made me come off as a bit more of an idiot than usual, but I still believe it's a good read.
Now, without further ado, here is my first ever transcription of a phone conversation:
Frank: Congratulations on twelve years of the G. Gordon Liddy Show. Is it hard to do two hours every weekday? Do you ever just make stuff up if the news has been slow?
Liddy: Actually I do four hours a day, five days a week, and there is such an enormous amount of news of serious import these days that I have more than enough material.
Frank: Anything to say about the recent controversy with radio show hosts? Like are you afraid you’re going to get taken off the air for indecency?
Liddy: No, this particular problem will not affect me, and it certainly won’t be any problem for my friend Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh. It is solely limited to the adolescent potty-talk people, and some of them it won’t harm either. For example, my friend Howard Stern is a very bright man, and I think that he could do a radio program on a number of different levels. He could do serious discourse on politics or anything else because he certainly has the intellect to do that. So, if he is prevented from using his usual M.O., he can switch to another. Someone like The Don and Mike Show here in Washington D.C., which is just one uneducated adolescent and another slightly more educated adolescent, both of whom are sort of Howard Stern wannabes. You take away their ability to speak obscenely and indecently and there is nothing left. They have nothing left with their act.
Frank: I see what you mean. Well, anyway, let’s get to politics. In brief, how well do you think Bush has done at his job as president?
Liddy: Given that we’re at war, which is the most important factor, he is an excellent wartime president, and that’s what we need right now. I, for example, very much opposed the political policies – the domestic political policies – of Franklin Roosevelt – bear in mind I was 15 when World War II end, and I remember it very well – but he was an excellent wartime leader, and that’s what we needed in World War II: a good wartime leader. That’s what we need now – a wartime leader – and we certainly have that in president Bush.
Frank: In brief, how well do you think the Democrats have been at undermining Bush at his job as president?
Liddy: Well, we won’t know until Election Day. All these polls that they keep taking are photographs – slices, sort of like an MRI of a period in time – and none of them count. The only one that counts is the poll taken on Election Day. They’ve certainly started a lot of controversy, but President Bush has not really started to fire back yet. He’s stayed above the fray while the Democrats sort out whom shall be their candidate. Once that is determined, he will start is counter battery fire.
Frank: Been waiting for that myself. I guess he just started a little bit the other day with a shot at Kerry.
Liddy: Yeah, a little bit.
Frank: Anyway, John Kerry appears to be the frontrunner to challenge Bush. Do you think a haughty, French-looking liberal who served in Vietnam is just what the nation needs to fight terrorism?
Liddy: I think somebody who has been consistent no matter what his combat record in Vietnam was – someone who has since consistently voted against the actual defense of the United States is not what we need to fight a war.
Frank: So, what do you think are the root causes of terrorism, and how many explosives do you think it would take to eradicate them?
Liddy: The root causes of terrorism are radical fundamentalist Islamic beliefs which are completely intolerant even of brother Muslims who are not as radical in their beliefs as are they. As to how many explosives would be necessary to eradicate them, there is a mathematical formula. You count them all up, and then you measure the powder in one .45 ACP caliber cartridge and multiply that by the number of radical Islamic fundamentalists and you get the answer.
Frank: .45 ACP – I like that. Now, I’ve talked to some military men who have been to Iraq, and they’ve told me some areas now are as almost as dangerous as Chicago. Do you think it’s time for America to finally pull out of the quagmire that is Chicago?
Liddy: Well, I’ll tell ya, I’ve been to Chicago, and every time I’ve been there I have enjoyed myself. Nobody has ever bothered me in Chicago, and I’ve been in South Chicago. I’ve operated in that area as a special agent of the FBI, and I would say that law enforcement has things pretty well in hand.
Frank: That’s good to know. Who do you think we should have war with next?
Liddy: Well, it depends upon what our intel tells us about the capabilities and intentions of Syria, Iran, and North Korea. Whichever one appears to be the most dangerous in terms of close support for the terrorists who are targeting us I would say should be next on the list for regime change as promised by the President in his original State of the Union.
Frank: Now this is your tenth year of your Stacked and Packed Calendar?
Liddy: Yes, currently – right. We’re starting the recruitment for the girls for the eleventh.
Frank: As everyone knows, men love firearms and attractive women; what gave you the idea to combine the two?
Liddy: When I was a boy, of course, you had girly calendars in every garage, factory, and everything else that you could think of. And, when I was a boy, you could walk right down the Main Street of town – you know, if you were 13-years-old or so – with your firearm on the way out to the woods to shoot squirrels and so forth. Then that became politically incorrect – both of those things became politically incorrect, and I wanted to make a statement against political correctness, so I combined the girly calendar and firearms.
Frank: That’s a nice way to make a statement, but has your calendar ever drawn controversy from people who dislike women or are against the objectification of firearms?
Liddy: Certainly the calendar has drawn some controversy, but far more approval and support than controversy. Thus its success, and thus it is going into its eleventh year.
Frank: It’s good to hear that. Now, I always say you can tell a lot about a man from his choice in firearms. What’s your favorite gun?
Liddy: Handgun or shoulder arm?
Frank: Let’s say handgun.
Liddy: I would say the Smith & Wesson Model 17 in .44 caliber.
Frank: Nice gun. In 1998, you had an autobiography…
Liddy: Did you say Model 17? I should have said 27.
Frank: Actually, I think it’s 29.
Liddy: 29? Okay.
Frank: My dad has one. It’s a nice gun. I didn’t want to correct you; thought you might know more. In 1998, you had an autobiography Will published. Now, according to my research, you’ve yet to die since then and don’t seem to plan on doing so anytime in the near future. Will you eventually have to do an addendum?
Liddy: Actually, it was published in 1980, and it’s still in print, still selling thousands of copies a year. There are over a million copies in print. It ended in 1977.
Frank: I need better research.
Liddy: If I wanted to do a complete and up to date autobiography, I would certainly have to issue an addendum. If I were to want to get additional information that has been discovered about Watergate from that time to present, then I would have to have an addendum limited to that subject. To a certain extent I did that with my latest book which is called When I Was a Kid, This Was a Free Country. There is an appendix in there that brings up to date what has been learned since. There will probably be a reissue of a book by Len Colodny, Robert Gettlin called Silent Coup which will have a much greater volume of material.
Frank: I’ve heard about your book – I’ve yet to read it, though – When I Was a Kid, This Was a Free Country. So, when were you a kid, or do you have to read the book to find that out?
Liddy: Well, you do the math. I was born on November the 30th, 1930.
Frank: Sounds pretty nice back then how you talked about shooting squirrels – my Mom would have yelled at me for that. Have you ever considered doing an audio version of the book to try and win a Grammy?
Liddy: There was an audio version of the book done by a professional who read it so that it could be recorded for the use of the blind.
Frank: You also wrote a novel called The Monkey Handlers. It would be of great interest to the readers of my website to know what is your opinion of monkeys.
Liddy: Monkeys are primates. They’re genetic material is 98% the same as ours, and actually greater than some talk show hosts.
Frank: I think we know which ones you are referring to. I guess this is a common question for you: what’s with the mustache? Is there something on your upper lip you are trying to hide?
Liddy: No. It’s something that I’ve worn on and off since my youth. If you were to get a hold of one of the early additions of the book Will, you’ll see photographs of me in there sometimes with one, sometimes without one. There is one when I was in the military when I had one circa about 1968 or so. I just decided to keep it.
Frank: Have you ever considered a soul patch instead?
Liddy: I’m sorry; considered what?
Frank: A soul patch.
Liddy: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Frank: It’s a little bit of hair under your lower lip.
Liddy: You mean a goatee?
Frank: No, it’s just under your lower lip. A soul patch is a little hippy thing.
Liddy: Alright, I have no idea what you are talking about.
Frank: Okay. Forget it then. Now, I’m pretty young – I’m only 24 – so I don’t know much about history before the early 90’s, but I heard something about how you once ran into some trouble at a hotel. Are you now more careful at hotels, or do you steal towels with impunity?
Liddy: I didn’t run into any trouble at a hotel. I think you are referring to the Watergate Hotel, and the Watergate burglary took place not in the hotel, but the Watergate office building. I wasn’t there.
Frank: Oh, okay. Wish I knew that. I saw that movie Nixon – that was a while ago – and all I remember is that Oliver Stone had some weird conspiracy theory that Nixon was an Englishman. Anyway, how do you think that the actor John Diehl did? Did he correctly get the essence of G. Gordon Liddy?
Liddy: I don’t know. I’ve never saw the movie.
Frank: Never saw the movie? Had no interest in seeing that?
Liddy: Well, it’s Oliver Stone. There is no point in anybody ever seeing an Oliver Stone movie because any resemblance between fact and whatever is contained in the movie is incidental.
Frank: I guess me, personally, I’d be kind of curious how someone portrayed me.
Liddy: Okay, my producer is demonstrating with me that I have to go. Do you have any last question?
Frank: What do you think of the blogosphere? Are you threatened that it is going to encroach on more established media such as radio shows, or do you not even know what I’m talking about?
Liddy: I know what you are talking about. It’s a separate means of expression which is growing rapidly which means that it is filling a need.
Frank: And are there any blogs that you read regularly?
Liddy: I read our mutual friend Eric Scheie.
Frank: (whispering) Say, “I also read IMAO.”
Liddy: Okay, well I’ve enjoyed our conversation. Thank you very much.
Frank: And thank you too.
Liddy: You’re welcome. Bye bye.
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