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March 31, 2004
Caption Contest Winner and Other Announcements
Posted by Frank J. at 01:51 PM | Email This

I thought the entries for the caption contest were a little weak this go around. I guess cats at gunpoint or holding guns bring out the creative juices better. I liked my own entry pretty well; I can't believe no one else thought of the South Park episode where Cartman introduced the concept of "RoShamBo". Still, simplicity won the day, the one that produced the biggest chuckle being an old one from the schoolyard:

Welcome to Bangkok

Congratulation to Neo. I don't have any prize idea for him, but everyone congratulate him the comments section.

NOW!

I've gotten a lot of e-mails about the military, and they’re mainly jokes bashing different branches. That's cool, though, and I think I might want to do a regular feature of it as I love learning more about military culture and I’m sure a lot of others do. I'll put up more tomorrow, and keep e-mailing me more jokes or your descriptions of a military branch (and make the subject "Military" to help me organize). And, I haven’t gotten to many jokes at the expense of the Marines so far (and I know there is a ton). Remember, even though a military joke may have been old back when George Washington said it, it's probably new to us civilians.

Finally, I'll have an update over the weekend on the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. I'm leaning back towards not needing an IMAO t-shirt to qualify (but wear something; this is a family site).

Rating: 1.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (28)
The Limey - Episode VII: Lime Another Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:16 PM | Email This

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism

* * * *

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. As always, swears as a noun have been replaced with "ronin", as has the word "redneck." F'ing, when an adjective, has been replaced with "dishonorable". When it's an adverb, it has been replaced with "crazy-cool". F'd up has been replaced with "wacky-smacky". The f-word as a verb has been replaced with "I challenge". The s-word has been replaced with "diddly-doo". Also, Rage Against the Machine lyrics have been edited to make them less ragey.

It's been weeks since The Limey tried to crack the ignorant, redneck, American Frank, and he spent that time in thoughtful silence, contemplating exactly how to attack his nemesis as he ate his crumpets and drank his tea. Finally, he decided the time was right, and went to his keyboard to give his venom substance:

Well ronin it's been over two weeks since I last emailed you to challenge the cancer that is capitalism. I bet you thought I wasn't going to reply didn't you, ronin! Yeah, well here I am you ronin I'm good at surprising people. It's not difficult to surprise a right-wing lunatic like you - you're so stupid! Do you think I'm going to fall for those emails you've been sending me about Swiss bank accounts? I'm too moral to fall for that, ronin. You wanted to see if I'm a hypocrite didn't you. Well I'm not!

You keep referring to me as a friend, I realise that's your sarcastic side coming out, but stop it. I'm amazed that ronin's can be sarcastic. They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence. I guess somebody's telling you how to be sarcastic because you couldn't possibly come up with that sarcasm on your own!

Where did you get this ludicrous impression that I don't like Die Hard? I have Die Hard on video. I like it - even though it's very stereotyped. Still, at least some conservative Americans get killed in that film.

XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant are part of the Democratic left-of-centre coalition that I've formed. If you're a democratic left-winger - you're in. Environmentalists, feminists, socialists (of course!) and liberals are all in. I have a great deal of respect for anarchists because they are people who want to install democracy by ruthlessly crushing capitalism through dictatorial policies against the Right, so I am always open to including anarchists in the democratic left-wing coalition, ronin. You could never be a part of the left-of-centre coalition, ronin! You're a ronin! You're stupid! You're dangerously right-wing! You don't even know that the capital of Wales is Cardiff! In fact you don't even know where Wales is! Just for the record, it's a neighbouring country of England! The left-of-centre coalition will arrest the ronin George W. Bush and the evil Prime Minister Tony Blair and send them to Holland to stand trial for c! rimes against humanity during the 2001 Afghanistan War and that monstrous war in Iraq last year! And we'll arrest you for racial hatred!
Once again Fascist McFascist doesn't exist! If he does exist then maybe he could be one of the following...

Your evil President. George "redneck backwoodsman hick" W. Bush.

The man responsible for the loss of three million jobs in three years! The man who has killed fifty thousand people in Iraq! The man who tells regimes not to have weapons of mass destruction when his country uses them repeatedly! He is a fascist and a complete hypocrite! (Even though this has been well-documented many, many times, I thank Michael Moore for re-enforcing it in "Stupid White Men" and thank Rage Against the Machine's two super songs "Sleep Now In The Fire" and "Guerrilla Radio" for exposing the evils of capitalism)

Ariel Sharon.

Tony Blair (Don't get me started on this piece of diddly-doo!)

Silvio Burlusconi (Italy's PM who backed last year's war)

John Howard (ronin Australian conservative Prime Minister. Also backed last year's war)

A right-wing Colombian politician (America supplies right-wing Colombians with lots of money)

or...

Fascist McFascist could be you!!!

A dishonorable ronin!

It would explain a lot!

As for a definition on "fascism". Fascism is the suspension/removal/crushing of the individuals rights in relations with the state. It was founded by Benito Mussolini in Italy in 1919. Fascist regimes have been responsible for the deaths of millions of people over the years. The regimes in Germany from 1933-1945, the Italian regime from the 1920's-1940s under Mussolini, the Franco regime from the 1930's to the 1970's, the Nixon regime in America, the Reagan regime, the Clinton regime and the Bush regimes are some of the worst fascist regimes in history. Fascist regimes target minorities, huge majorities and always the working class. The Hitler regime in particular targeted communists, socialists, Jews, travellers, gypsies, black people and gay people - and so has George W. Bush!

This man has further crushed freedom in America just like many of the Presidents before him. Rage Against the Machine said it the best on the song "Know Your Enemy" from their debut album in 1992. And yes I know George W. Bush wasn't in power in 1992 - his old man was - but it's still extremely relevant today, ronin!

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE "Know Your Enemy" lyrics

What? The land of the free?
Whoever told you that is real happy.

Something must be done
About Democrats, a badger and a nun
'Cause I'll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
And then I'll have to get mommy to fix 'em

www.lyricscafe.com/r/rage_against.htm

I recommend you see a doctor. I've said it before but I'll say it again. You CAN get help for your mental illness! You're crazy-cool disturbed! Wacky-smacky! Pass the word on to the other right-wing nutters you hang around with!

I CHALLENGE YOU RONIN!

American Frank carefully reads the long e-mail, constantly losing attention and staring at shiny things. Finally, he slowly pecks out a response. Has the limey finally broken the ignorant backwoodsman into full rage? Only his response will answer that question:

Limey! Man, I missed you! I'm so surprised! I had just finished the knot on my noose, and then here comes the limey to brighten my day!

Sorry about trying to trick you with those Swiss bank accounts [Ed. Note: I have no frig'n clue what he's talking about], but that was just to get back at you for showing up at my doorstep in a gorilla costume. I was so scared!

BTW, did you try any of my delimification suggestions? It doesn't sound like you did, but some people just have to be limey I suppose. I guess God just made you that way, limey.

"Let there be Limey!"

I don't mean to sound sarcastic; I just have this disorder that makes it sound like I'm sarcastic... really! You're my bestest limey friend... the bestest ever! I love all the things I learn from you, and I hope you learn lots from my redneck ways. This is like a super cultural exchange - like when the Spaniards slaughtered the Aztecs!

I'm glad to hear you like Die Hard, limey; that movie kicked ass! Yippee kiyay Mother... shut your mouth! Heh heh. You should know, though, limey, that no conservative Americans actually died, because it was movie. Movies are make-believe just like your friends XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp, and the Spanish Militant.

It's neat though how you have your army of one to fight for your left wing causes, limey. Do you do most of your fighting through e-mails, or do you sometimes hand out leaflets? You should be careful of those anarchists, though. They'll turn against democracy because they're... well... anarchists. And I know where Wales are, you silly limey; they're in the ocean with the dolphins.

You're going to arrest me for racial hatred? You're so silly, limey. If you want to play cops and robbers, I'll bring the guns, though. "Bang bang! You'll never take me alive coppers! I'll hate races and there's nothing you can do!" That will be fun.

Stop saying Fascist McFascist doesn't exist, because that is not true, limey. He had an uneventful childhood in Fascistan, then worked at an auto parts store in early adulthood, and finally became the cold hearted dictator of Fascistan through force. He also then produced Rage Against the Machine to sell music to gullible limeys.

That's an interesting list of fascists you got there, limey. Out of curiosity, is there anyone who isn't a fascist? I met this guy once who helped jump start my car; I think he might not have been a fascist. I think all cats are, though.

Hitler didn't like travelers? Wow! I learn such interesting things from you, limey! So, how much traveling did you have to do to have Hitler put you in a concentration camp? Like, I usually visit my family in Idaho twice a year; does that make me a traveler.

And it's interesting you think Bush is against the Jews; most ranters here say the Jews are controlling his agenda and making him help Israel (it was funny when that man in the wheelchair caught a missile; that's one more handicapped parking spot freed up). You have such unique rants, limey. You're right about the anti-gypsy Bush agenda, though. There passing laws against gypsies every other day, and almost everyone is blaming everything here on the gypsies. It's crazy!

Wow! Those Rage Against the What-not lyrics really spoke to me, limey. I feel like a new man, now. But you should see some of the lyrics to this song, though, that speak about how capitalism crushes all else:

They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there under, under the sea!

Everyone loves the king of the sea,
Ever so kind and gentle is he,
Tricks he will do when children appear,
And how they laugh when he’s near!

They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No-one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there-under, under the sea!

http://home.att.net/~tvthemelyrics/flipper.htm

Think about it, man. Really reflect on it.

Well, don't take so long to respond again; you're the bestest limey around and turn my frowns upside-down.

Cordially,
American Frank

P.S. Have you tried taking the pills the doctor gives you along with food? That might help stop the constipation that makes you so crotchety.

Wanker.

Will The Limey continue undaunted, or will American Frank's carefully chosen music lyrics show him the light. Will American Frank finally break down and become a Rage Against the Machine fan? Find out in the next episode of...

THE LIMEY!

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (71) | I Hate Frank
Brainteaser
Posted by Frank J. at 10:06 AM | Email This

I'm the answer to part of Derbyshire's brainteaser today (sort of, I'll be x for part of x^2 and then turn x+1 in June of x^2). What year was I born? (ahh, anyone paying attention already knows that)

Can anyone find a positive to the third part of his brainteaser? I couldn't on a quick scan through.

BTW, I also like his engineer joke today. There's been a debate in The Corner on whether engineers are generally liberal, and I sent an e-mail to Jonah Goldbeg telling him that not only am I an engineer and a conservative, I'm going to steal his job.

Rating: 1.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (24)
In My World: Campaign Preparations
Posted by Frank J. at 07:19 AM | Email This

On a sunny morning, hundreds of people surrounded Karl Rove's house. "Karl Rove doesn't have a soul!" they started to chant, but then the sky darkened.

"That's not a rain cloud," one of the protestors slowly observed, "It's... LOCUSTS!"

The protestors screamed in terror as the bugs swarmed them.

"Ahh! Boils!" yelled another.

The front door to Rove's abode swung open. At the entryway stood the cloaked figure of Karl Rove.

"Are you coming out to listen to us?" asked one of the protestors hopefully as he ducked the insects.

"Die!" Rove shouted as he shot lightning from his fingertips.

* * * *

"How was you morning, Rover?" Bush asked as Karl Rove sat down at the meeting table.

"Our concern is the campaign," Rove answered.

"Right-o," Bush answered, "I'm making sure we have things together to fight that stupid John Kerry. You should see his new commercial."

Bush turned on the T.V., and on screen was John Kerry. "Hi, I'm Senator Kerry," he said in a very haughty, French-like way, "and I'm a man of the people. Isn't that true, Jeeves?"

"Whatever you say, sir," Kerry's butler answered.

"Some may not like how I keep mentioning how I was active in the unpopular war in Vietnam, but I would like you to know that I served in Vietnam... before I served against it."

A picture of Kerry the Vietnam protestor appeared on screen.

"That's just how nuanced I am, and nuance is a good thing. If you're smart, you'd know that."

The end graphic then appeared saying, "John Kerry 2004: His positions on issues are whatever you think they are."

"I just got a great new ad out today, though, in response," Bush said as he hit a button on the remote.

On screen was Governor Schwarzenegger seated at a desk. "I am Arnold!" he screamed. "John Kerry is puny! Bush will crush him! You will vote for Bush or you are puny! I will crush you!" He then knocked over his desk. "I am Arnold!"

The end graphic then appeared saying, "George W. Bush 2004: I am Arnold!"

"I liked his enthusiasm," Dick Cheney remarked, "but we might want to rethink that a little."

"What about my ad idea?" Rumsfeld asked.

"The one where you threaten that after the election you’ll bomb any state that hadn't given its electoral votes to Bush?" Condoleezza Rice asked.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Rove uttered.

"We could bomb Massachusetts now to show we're serious," Rumsfeld suggested.

"That's not really the issue, Rummy," Bush told him softly, "See, you come off as a little harsh."

"Who thinks that?" Rumsfeld demanded, "I'll kill them!"

"See, that the problem," Bush continued, "You need to tone the violence down... and no more strangling."

"Hey, sometimes I squeeze my hands together," Rumsfeld said defensively, "If someone happens to put his neck between them at the time, that's his problem."

"We really need to make you appear kindler and gentler," Bush asserted, "I know I just joked about it at the Radio and Television Correspondents Association Dinner, but would you consider appearing on an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?"

The Secret Service was able to grab Rumsfeld just in time before he completely leaped across the table and got his hands around Bush's neck. After he was dragged out, the meeting continued. "It is important for everyone to be on their best behavior," Rove intoned, "That especially goes for John Ashcroft."

"Yeah, whatcha been up ta, Ash?" Bush asked.

"Well, golly gosh, let me think," Ashcroft said, "Today we found two suspicious looking people - yep, quite suspicious they were - and then we declared them enemy combatants and threw them down a dark hole, we did. Then we forgot where that hole was, by golly."

"Be careful with stuff like that," Bush said, "We don't want people saying we're abusing civil rights before the election. And make sure you keep the ATF under control."

"Jeepers, I've been doing my best on that," Ashcroft responded, "I even have the head of the ATF, Psycho Stan, here to tell us how relaxed he's been."

"I ain't killed no one in three hours," Psycho Stan said, "I don't like this. I liked that other Attorney General, Reno, better; now there was a man who let us kill and burn stuff."

"No excessive violence," Bush commanded.

Psycho Stan growled and then stood up. "I need to get going."

"Not to kill people and burn down buildings, right?" Bush asked.

"Always asking me questions," Psycho Stan grumbled as he walked out of the room while chambering a round in his handgun.

"So what's next?" Bush mused aloud.

"There is the impending testimony of the one known as Condoleezza," Rove answered.

"Yeah, Condi, you have to do a good job with your testimony before the 9/11 commission," Bush told her, "They didn't appreciate your videotaped testimony."

"Why?" Condi asked innocently.

* * * *

"Yeah, that pretty much confirms it; it's just five minutes of her giving us the finger."

* * * *

"They said it was 'disrespectful'," Bush answered, "and we'll need you to do some commercials for the campaign because it will really help to have a minority woman in some."

"Uh, hello," Elaine Chao interrupted.

"What?" Bush asked.

"I'm also a minority woman."

Bush laughed and rolled his eyes. "Asian isn't a minority." He then whispered to Laura was seated next to him, "Who is she?"

"She's your Secretary of Labor, dear."

"Oh, I thought she was my dry cleaner," Bush chuckled.

"I heard that, you racist bastard!" Chao shouted.

Bush put his hands in front of his face protectively. "It was an honest mistake! Don't use your ninjitsu on me!"

"Argh!" Chao shouted before storming out of the room.

"Is it possible we can have Bush not talk anymore before the election?" Cheney asked Rove.

"Unfortunately, there are the debates," Rove answered.

"And, if the questions are too hard, I can't just fake a heart attack like you," Bush said derisively to Cheney.

"I don't need to fake one," Cheney answered indignantly.

"Let's see," Bush mused aloud, "Who else could do commercials."

"Could I do one?" Scott McClellan asked.

"If you're good, I'll let you get coffee for the stagehands," Bush answered. He then looked to Colin Powell. "Some of the left like you because you're a wuss. Maybe you could do some commercials, but Condi will hurt you if you step too far out of line."

"It's not that I step out of line," Powell said, "so much as I add multiple facets to... AHHH!"

Condi twisted Powell's arm behind his back. "Yeah, she'll hurt you like that," Bush said.

"What we need our more commercials with your wife," Rove stated, "It appeals to families and the weak hearted."

"I'm going to have to ask for a raise then," Laura said.

"But honey!" Bush whined.

"I've seen your war chest," Laura answered, "You can afford it." She then turned to Rove. "And, I don't know who writes these things, but can you give my husband easier words to say than ' entrepreneurial'?"

"You're embarrassing me," Bush squealed.

"I'm just looking out for your interests, dear."

Powell made a whipping sound.

"Ahh... even Colin is making fun of me," Bush groaned.

"I think we have a good start for the campaign for your reelection," Rove stated, "The elders will be pleased."

"And, if things aren't working out," Bush said, "There is always the All-Purpose Plan B."

"No rap music video!" Cheney shouted, and then grumbled to himself, "Idiot."

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (28) | In My World
March 30, 2004
Testing New Logo...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 PM | Email This

1... 2... 3...

Now that I've done it, it seems so obvious. Why didn't one of you suggest this before?

Originally, as my logo, I wanted a dolphin leaping out of water and getting struck by lightning, but I couldn't make the image work.

Anyhoo, I have such great posts lined up for tomorrow that I wish I were you guys so I could read them and be surprised at their comic genius. Great to get them done too, because now I can watch my 24 in peace...

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (21)
I Do Not Find You Funny, Eh
Posted by Frank J. at 05:13 PM | Email This

From a Canadian (who helpfully censored himself):

Fu*k You!!!! Canada is by far the better country. You must be jealous you are not from God's country. LOSER!

My response:

Please stop using America's internet. We have lots of important business to do here, and Canadians simply are using up this important resource. Please spend more attention to the meese that are rampaging through your town.

Thank you,
Frank J.

Anyway, The Limey will be on tomorrow afternoon with an In My World™ in the morning. See ya then.

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (66) | I Hate Frank
Whitler Writes
Posted by Frank J. at 05:00 PM | Email This

Whitler has the next chapter up of his current essay. I haven't had a chance to read it yet, and, as always, if I find it's no good after I do read it, I'll just remove the link.

Rating: 1.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
The Air Force by Wacky Hermit
Posted by Frank J. at 12:55 PM | Email This

Here's a description I got of the Air Force from Wacky Hermit of Organic Baby Farm:

A few facts you should be aware of, should you decide to write an Air Force character into the In My World series:

The Air Force, known derisively as the Chair Force, is the branch of service best known for harboring smart people who really don't want to get involved in combat. The minimum ASVAB score for enlisting in the Air Force is the highest of all the services. Except for the small percentage that are fighter pilots, Airmen don't generally go directly into combat situations; instead they provide technical support such as radio communications, repair services, and logistical support. It is also relatively difficult to make rank in the Air Force, compared to other services, but it is easy to get medals. My husband spent eight years in the Air Force and had more medals than stripes. Many Airmen from one unit my hubby was in had a lot of free time when not being deployed, and many got hooked on porn. Thus your stereotypical enlisted Airman is not just a smartass, he's a low-ranking smartass who's just smart enough to resent the bureaucracy that's keeping him down. Of stereotypical servicemen from all the branches, the Airman is the most likely to complain about the food and the boots and the mind-boggling stupidity of his fellow stereotypical servicemen. As for the small percentage who are fighter pilots, they have a reputation for being cocky beyond all reason, and thinking they are God's gift to the world. Plus they are all officers, which means they go to college.

Because the Air Force originated as a branch of the Army (the Army Air Corps) and only became a separate branch after WWII, their strongest rivalry is with the Army. There is an old Air Force joke that goes as follows: an Army guy and an Air Force guy walk into a bathroom and use the urinals. After finishing, the Army guy goes to the sink to wash, while the Air Force guy starts to walk out the door. The Army guy indignantly calls after the Air Force guy, "You know, in the Army they teach us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom!" The Air Force guy says disdainfully, "In the Air Force, they teach us not to pee on our hands!"

True story from the Air Force: my husband spent some time in a unit that worked directly with Army guys. He reports that the Army guys had training manuals that were comic books. One illustration he described showed a bikini-clad woman pointing to a tank and saying, "This is a tank!"

Sounds like the Army need to respond to this one.

By the way, my grandfather on my mother's side served in the Army Air Corps during World War II in a B-17 bomber and then later served in the Air Force when it came about (he was career military).

We civilians would certainly love more descriptions of branches of the military form the horse's mouth, so keep e-mailing them to me. I'll print the best ones.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (56) | Our Military
You Seem Perturbed...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:47 PM | Email This

This picture from AP is just calling for a caption contest:

Seems symbolic of the Democrats and Bush when the Democrat primary was heated with Bush bashing but Bush didn't respond.

BTW, I once went to a martial arts seminar where I learned to focus my chi to take blows like that. I was able to take a full punch to the stomach and throat just fine, but I wasn't very good at taking the groin kick. That is not a fun thing to practice when you aren't doing it well (bounce on your heels... bounce on your heels...)

Anyhoo, caption away in the comments section. Winner gets to gloat how he or she is the winner... and maybe something else if I'm feeling generous.

Rating: 1.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (114)
Fan Club Update
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 AM | Email This

Jennifer has buttons for my fan club. I like the one with the gun...

Anyway, I think a button depicting a 1911 handgun and a katana would better represent me. As soon as I have good buttons, I'll put up prominent links to my two fan clubs.

There is now a sign up sheet at Frank J. Fan Club number one! Sign up now to show your support!

Someone mentioned before that we should have secret decoder rings. I have an even better idea: the only provably secure encryption - one time pad. To people who sign up, I'll send you your pads and then put up a secret message for Frank J. fans once or so a week telling you which pad to use to decrypt it. Any compromise in security will be dealt with harshly and then new pads will be issued.

Finally, I still need to come up with a great topic to write a column to unseat Goldberg - one topical but not too topical - so you fans should work on that. When I break my way into legitimate political punditry and become rich and famous, there will be a party for all Frank J. fan club charter members on my yacht. BYOB.

Rating: 1.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Bush is Moving on Up, Ketchup Boycott, British Terror, You Got Me, New (Well, Old) Logo, and Electrocuted Monkeys
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM | Email This

* Bush Go Up: Yay! Bush is gaining in the polls since people have started to learn that John Kerry sucks. This was inevitable as more people would hear Kerry talk. His haughty frenchness causes people to retch and vote Republican.

The CW is that this is going to be a close election, but I want a blow out. Then I'm going to Democratic Underground and imagine everyone's heads exploding.

* Ketchup on Our Hands: A reader Adam suggest boycotting Heinz to fight the John Kerry machine. That's a tough call. Heinz is the ketchup, and I went to college in Pittsburgh where Heinz is one of the last industries there since the steel left. Still, each time we put that blood-like condiment on our burgers, we could be putting money into the hands of Kerry's wife which might then be taken by John Kerry himself. Is moving to catsup the only option to stop John Kerry and his evil plans of evil? And what about French's mustard? Will that be taken as implicit support of Kerry?

Politics is hard. I'm going to stick to eating jellybeans to show my support of Reagan.

UPDATE: The Heinz company denies involvement with John Kerry.

* Explosions... Again: James Bond foiled a terrorist plot and found tons of explosives in the UK. Stupid terrorists; don't they have any terror ideas that don't involve explosions? Like, they could secretly put potholes in our roads at night.

"You will continue to see potholes infidels, unless you surrender to Islam and throw all your Jews into the sea... except for that Seinfeld guy; he makes us laugh."

* Testify!: Senators are still demanding for Condoleezza Rice to openly testify for the 9/11 hearings. I bet this is all strategery on her part to hype her testimony for when she finally gives in. Then her testimony will be so testacular that it will blow everyone away. And Richard Clarke will commit seppuku in disgrace while everyone turns against the Clinton administration and lynches them all.

Or, at least, that's my political prediction. Everyone has their own.

UPDATE: My prediciton is coming true so far...

* You Got Me I: A lot of you e-mailed me about Clinton's ninja plan for terrorism, and, okay, you got me. I was a foreign policy advisor for the Clinton administration. You happy now? None of my ideas were ever used though, not even the preemptive strike against monkeys.

* The Loser Club: At Jonah "Lame-o" Goldberg's Fan Club, Eric is taunting me because he thinks he can win Derbyshire's support with a silly t-shirt. Bah! I'm now linked at Derbyshire's homepage. Not even Jonah can say that. He's going down!

* Logo Idea: For my fans (the smarter, cooler, more attractive fans) to discuss, I was thinking of making this the logo of IMAO:

What do y'all think?

* You Got Me II: Fine. You got me again. I have a secret lab in Japan. And no, I won't tell you what goes on there.

* Bushido: A man in the U.K. was sentenced to prison for stabbing an armed attacker to death with a samurai sword (what the story leaves out is that the guy with the sword is a drug dealer and stabbed the man in the back). Sometimes I almost wish guns were banned just so I would have to rely on a katana as defense. Right now, it just ain't practical for me when I have the shotgun and handguns in easy reach. Such is modern life.

* Monkey News I: The Commie Chinese not only have a monkey king, but he is going to sully the national pastime of baseball. War!

* Monkey News II: Solution to monkey problem: don't insulate your electrical wires. Then, as they jump from tree to tree, God will take care of them. God's cool.

* Victory Is Mine!: Instapundit now correctly links to IMAO again. That reminds me: I haven't been doing much with The Alliance as of late. I still plan on turning them into a giant media conglomerate to rival all others, but I'll need to delegate more.

* More Coming: Big posting tomorrow as I'll have a new In My World™ plus the new The Limey letter and response (as long as I get it all done before the return of 24 tonight). Also, I'll have a few more posts today when I have time. Later, mo'fo's.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
March 29, 2004
Lunchtime Notes
Posted by Frank J. at 01:17 PM | Email This

The next episode of The Limey will be delayed until Wednesday at the latest because it's a long e-mail worth of a long response. It will be worth the wait, I promise.

I got a great description of the Air Force from someone in the know, and I was about to print it but realized I didn't correctly copy it all from the e-mail which I'll have to correct when I get home. I'd love some descriptions of the other branches of the military from people with experience (and no gratuitous branch bashing - not that anyone would ever think of doing that). I'll put up the description of the Air Force tomorrow so you know what I'm looking for.

I have a new advertiser selling cards with 52 reasons why Bush should be reelected. As a Frank J. fan, you must check them out.

I also received a True Patriot award from PatriotBlog.com. I like awards. Someone should give me a "Better than Jonah Goldberg Award".

Speaking of that, my fan clubs should come up with a way for people to sign up as fans of Frank J. (and then pad the number of sign ups so it’s a big number). I'll soon have marching orders for my fans. These will be the best fan clubs ever!

...and the ones most advantageous to me! Muh ha ha ha!

Rating: 1.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Frank Solutions for Terrorism
Posted by Frank J. at 07:16 AM | Email This

It's easy to point out the problems of terrorism, but it's harder to offer real solutions. But I, Frank J., being so smart and not particularly engaged by the Sunday T.V. lineup, have decided to finally solve terrorism once and for all. With these innovative ideas, we can live in a terrorist free world and eat our Chunky Monkey ice cream in peace.

* The Easy One: Kill them. Dead terrorists don't commit terror... at least not in this world. Maybe they sometime sneak out of hell and plant bombs in Heaven; I don't know, and frankly that's not my problem. I just hope they have a good angel of Heavenland Security.

* Education: If terrorists are educated that the West is neato keen, they won't want to kill us. How to get them to listen, you ask?

Shut up! No talking during my posts!

Anyway, people always listen if you point a gun at them. So educate evil terroristy people at gunpoint. You can use the laser sight of the gun as a laser pointer. Just don't wave your gun around too much, because it's distracting.

Some terrorists, such as the leaders, may be too educated. Force-feed them paint chips.

* Do the Reading: Apparently many terrorists are Islamic, and they support their killing with passages in the Koran. Anyone check that out and see what that says? Might be useful.

* Vigilantism: There are terrorists hiding in America, so let's encourage Americans to find them. All Americans should be empowered to beat up whoever seems terroristy to them. This may lead to some unjust beatings, but, as long as it's not me, I don't care.

* Biased Media: One of the reasons so many people hate America and Jews in the Middle East is because the evil dictators rule the media. We can secretly take over the media and tell them that America is rich and powerful because it's just so much better than their country and that Jews are great people whom they should hug.

Problem is, we need the leaders to think their evil media is still being broadcast. That way, they'll be all surprised when their people lynch them. And then, we should get pictures of them being surprised because people looking surprised is funny.

* Good 'Ole Blasphemy: What's happens in that Mecca place? They won't let in non-Muslims, so I don't know. There's this covered thing at the center which they say is some structure, but I suspect it to be concealing nuclear weapons. We need to invade Mecca and check it out.

Some may say this will anger more Muslims against us, but hey, women driving angers Muslims in Saudi Arabia. If we're going to anger them anyway, we might as well go the full monty.

* The Big Man: Many terrorists say they take orders from this one called "Allah". We need to hunt him down and stop him, thus taking out who gives the Islamic extremist terrorist their marching orders and leaving them extremely disorganized. Some say Allah's location is in Paradise surrounded by dark-eyed virgins, while others place him somewhere in the mountains that border Pakistan.

* Bomb France: Let's show we are so resolved against terrorism that we will not only treat those who comfort terrorists like terrorists themselves, but will also treat those who appease terrorists like terrorists themselves. Plus, I don't like France. Also, terrorist say they want to attack France over the headscarf ban, so maybe we'll steal their thunder, and then they'll just mope. It's easy to take out mopers.

* Jesus is the Answer: Christians never hurt anyone, so let's try and convert everyone to Christianity. We should make a giant statue of Jesus in the middle of Saudi Arabia that has the a loud speaker at it's mouth that keeps blaring, "The power of Christ compels you to not commit terror! The power of Christ compels you to not commit terror!"

That would be so cool! And the terrorists will be like:

"How is that statue talking?"

"Probably by some speakers hidden inside."

"Or maybe it's the Holy Spirit!"

"I'm scared, Mohammad! Hold me!"

"Only if you hold me, Omar!"

Rating: 1.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (92)
March 28, 2004
Sunday Announcements
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

Guess which limey wrote me back? That's right: The Limey. I'll put up his letter (it's a long one) and a response soon.

Also, another fan club seems to have emerged. So, what do I do now as someone with fan clubs? How many bones do I have to throw you guys? You need to tell me what to do, but it shouldn't be too much because I'm lazy.

Finally, it was brought to my attention that I give too much attention to the Marines at the expense of other military branches. The reason for that is that my brother is a Marine (giving me someone to ask questions to), and I don't know much about military culture as a whole. Still, if people have ideas for other characters in the other branches of the military, put them in the comments section. Maybe I can do an In My World™ about all the branches and then people will read it and be like, "Awwww... look at all those people working together to kill for'ners."

Rating: 1.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (41)
March 26, 2004
More on Frank J. Fan Clubs
Posted by Frank J. at 06:38 PM | Email This

There are now two competing fan clubs (one two), and I think we should have a system so people can sign up (and then pad those signing up with dead people from Chicago). Then, I'll send a taunting letter to Jonah about how I have a much better fans. Next, I'll complete my column, and you can all help lobby NRO to print it. Then, we can have fan club party! Hooray!

Oh, and I just want to again remind my readers that I love each and every one of you. Have a great weekend, y'all.

Rating: 2.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (26)
The Best Way to Fight Terrorism is to Talk About It
Posted by Frank J. at 08:02 AM | Email This

I don't know about these 9/11 hearings. I'm too suspicious of it becoming a partisan way to assign blame, and I don't know what good is supposed to come of it. I mean, after the hearings are over, are we all going to slap our heads and go, "So that's what we should have done!"? I say let's focus on killing terrorists in the here in now.

Still, I thought I'd sift through the news and find some points of interest from the hearings.

THE TOP TEN POINTS OF INTEREST FROM THE 9/11 HEARINGS

10. Every time Richard Clarke was asked a question, he'd give a short answer and then face the camera and say, "But you'll have to buy my book to get the full story."

9. It was determined that the only way to stop terrorism is to do something about it.

8. While terrorism is now a big focus of the government, they are still ignoring the looming ninja threat.

7. There a lot of blame for 9/11 to go around, but the Clinton administration is hogging it all.

6. Senator Bob Kerrey got angry at Fox News for publishing statements by Richard Clarke. Think of that: a news organization publishing stuff that people said.

5. Condoleezza Rice wants a closed door session to respond, possibly so she can extract violent revenge in secret.

4. Heh heh. The former National Security Advisor's name is "Sam Berger". Does he have brother named "Cheese"?

3. Richard Clarke is adamant that, if we only were able to find out about the 9/11 plot and arrest everyone involved, we might have been able to prevent it.

2. Clinton's search for Osama was far behind his search for poontang.

And the number one point of interest from the 9/11 Hearings...

The threat of terrorists trying their hardest to kill us all can actually be a boring topic when discussed in a committee.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (36)
March 25, 2004
The Frank J. Fan Club
Posted by Frank J. at 05:32 PM | Email This

Now I got some livejournal Goldberg fans against me. Stupid flying monkeys, but this has made me realize that, to compete against Jonah, I'll need my own fan club. It's a great idea. Everyone can go there and talk about how great I am, distribute a newsletter about my genius writing, and groupies can chat about how sexy I am. And, every so often, I can stop by and post something and everyone will be like, "Wow! The Frank J. has talked to us! We are blessed!"

Also, when I have my column ready, I can have my fans do a letter writing campaign to Rich Lowry about how Jonah should be fired and me put in his place. And it needs to happen soon; look how admittedly senile Jonah is getting.

So, one of you reading this, start a fan site for me.

NOW!

Anyway, I'll post something tomorrow about the 9/11 hearing so I can claim to still be topical. See you then.

UPDATE: There are now two fan clubs. Here is a more straightforward one, and here is one by Amphi that is, well, what you'd expect from her :)

If you need pictures of me, don't forget this one. Now I need a button for linking to fan sites. It should probably use this picture because I think it captures the best side of me.

Rating: 2.8/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (77)
IMAO's Roadmap to Peace
Posted by Frank J. at 06:28 AM | Email This

Everyone has been talking about how blowing up Yassin and other things is screwing up the roadmap to peace, and that sounds bad. I then started figuring that maybe the roadmap that is currently too complicated if it gets messed up every time some terrorists catches a missile. Thus, I, Frank J., the super-smart, have made a much simpler roadmap to lead to peace in the Middle East.

IMAO's Roadmap to Peace

Rating: 2.1/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (59) | Frank the Artist
March 24, 2004
That Wacky Microsoft
Posted by Frank J. at 09:10 AM | Email This

I now have Micrsoft Office 2003 at home (legally, thank you) and found out today that they have now added Condoleezza (two e's, two z's) and Condi to their spellchecker but still lack Rumsfeld. Go figure.

Oh, and that damn talking paper clip is finally gone.

Rating: 1.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (28)
In My World: The Way of the Defense Consultants
Posted by Frank J. at 07:06 AM | Email This

President Bush suddenly looked up from his desk to Condoleezza Rice. "Okay, I've decided to give the Israelis the go ahead to kill Yassin."

"Uh, they already did that," Condi answered, "and some people are pointing fingers at you saying you gave them permission."

"But that's a dirty lie!" Bush shouted, "Find whoever is saying that and have them killed; you have my permission."

"We need to be more worried about Iraq right now," Condi told him.

"That's in secure hands," Bush assured her.

* * * *

"You're trying to blow us up!" Buck the Marine accused the man.

"No I'm not."

"That's a bomb right there in your hands!"

"No it isn't."

"But it has lots of wires and stuff and a big part labeled 'C4'," Buck answered.

"Lot's of things could be labeled C4."

"And you're wearing an al Qaeda t-shirt," Buck yelled.

"It was on sale."

Buck stared suspiciously at the man for a while. "I'm pretty sure you're foreign, and I'm going to keep my eye on you!"

* * * *

"And have you heard about Richard Clarke and all the things he has been saying about our administration?" Condi asked.

"Richard Clarke?" Bush said with confusion.

"He used to work for you," Condi reminded him.

"Uh..."

"Had some advice on terrorism... Tried to get a talk with you on cyber terrorism..." Condi prompted.

"Oh!" Bush exclaimed, "Douche Bag! I remember him. How's 'ole Douche Bag doing?"

"He's quit and he's saying lies about us!" Condi exclaimed in frustration.

Bush thought about that for a moment. "If he quit, that means the nickname 'Douche Bag' is freed up." He saw White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan walk buy. "Hey, Scott!" Bush called out, "You're new nickname is 'Douche Bag'!"

"Why?" Scott complained.

"Quit whining Douche Bag!" Bush answered as Scott stormed off.

"Shouldn't we be focusing on what Clarke is saying about us?" Condi said impatiently.

Bush leaned back in his chair and sipped at some lemonade. "You need to relax Condi," Bush told her, "This will all blow over."

"So you aren't worried about it affecting you're reelection in November?" Condi asked.

Bush sprung out of his chair, dropping his lemonade. "That's this year!" he shouted, "Holy s**t! I'm f**ked!" He scrambled to turn on the T.V. On screen was Richard Clarke giving another interview to Lesley Stahl.

"Remember, the best BS is CBS," Stahl said, "and now we're back with Richard Clarke. So, Clarke, the Bush administration completely bungled the War on Terror, right?"

"Yes they did," Clarke answered, "by not following absolutely all the advice I gave them."

"And you said their staff was incompetent?" Stahl asked.

"Correct. When I first mentioned al Qaeda to Condoleezza Rice, she appeared to not to even have heard of it."

"How so?"

"Well," Clarke said, thinking for a moment, "she just stared at me blankly for a few moments, a little drool came out her mouth, and then she tilted her head to the side while asking in a valley girl like voice, 'Is al Qaeda like some sort of hair product?'"

Bush started laughing. "That sounded just like you." He then looked at Condi who appeared ready to explode. "Uh oh."

* * * *

"Thank you for belittling the Bush administration," Kerry said to Clarke, "You shall be rewarded in the future. For now, you will be in charge of the Heinz flying fortress which will bombard America with leaflets from above and shout my slogans through loudspeakers."

"I am proud to serve you, my master," Clarke answered. "To evil!" he then shouted.

"To evil!" Kerry answered. He then turned to his butler. "Jeeves, my face is sagging."

"I'll take care of it sir," the Butler answered, injecting Botox into Kerry's face.

"There, that will preserve my French-lookingness," Kerry said with satisfaction, "Now I shall leave via helicopter."

When Kerry turned around, he bumped into one of his Secret Service agents. "You stupid, f**king son of a bitch!" Kerry shouted.

"Geez," the agent answered, "I'm sorry."

"Don't you take that tone of voice with me!" Kerry yelled, "Don't you know who I am? My wife is rich! I served in Vietnam! My initials are the same as John Kennedy! You will show me respect!"

Kerry then stormed out of the room while the Secret Service gradually followed.

Clarke admired his flying fortress of evil and ketchup until he heard some explosions and the place began to become unstable. "What's happening?" Clarke exclaimed.

In the room walked a ninja.

"Where are my guards?" Clarke asked.

An object skidded across the floor to Clarke's feet. It was a Desert Eagle, the slide locked on an empty magazine.

"Who are you?" Clarke demanded.

The ninja pulled off her mask. It was Condoleezza Rice. "So this is what you have traded your soul for!" she said angrily, "Well I shall destroy it, as I shall destroy you for your calumny against me and the administration."

Clarke laughed evilly. "You think you can take me on, little woman? There is but one jetpack to escape from here, so I guess we must settle this as all disputes between defense consultants are - by way of the samurai!" Clarke drew his katana.

"So be it," Condi answered, drawing her sword.

They quickly clashed blades as the fortress exploded about them. Clarke was strong and had the greater reach and soon had Condi on the defensive. She kept blocking, but the sword was struck from her hand. Clarke reeled back for the killing blow, but, when he swung, Condi rolled out of the way. Clarke lost balance and tumbled towards a hole that had been blown open in the floor, he barely grabbed on to the edge keeping him from falling to the flames below.

Clarke looked up to see Condi standing above him. "Mercy!" he cried.

Condi tilted her head to the side. "Duh! What’s that?" she said before kicking him in the face.

* * * *

"Is it true that the Bush administration has sunk Kerry's flying fortress into the sea?" a reporter asked.

"It's a presidential campaign," Scott answered, "and sometime flying fortresses get sunk into the sea. If Kerry wasn't prepared for that, he shouldn't have sought the nomination."

"Was the attack in vengeance over Richard Clarke's remarks?" another reporter inquired.

"Clarke had said a number of things that weren't quite true," Scott said, "and it could only be expected that we respond with overwhelming violence."

Melinda Hawkish of Fox News then stood up. "Now, Douche Bag..."

"You don't have to use Bush's nickname for me," Scott interrupted with annoyance.

Melinda looked confused. "Bush calls you that?"

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (26) | In My World
March 23, 2004
Note About Previous
Posted by Frank J. at 06:25 PM | Email This

That was a special In My World™ since a muse suddenly grabbed me in a chokehold. There will be a regular one tomorrow about the Bush administration.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8)
In My World: Yassin in Paradise
Posted by Frank J. at 06:06 PM | Email This

Yassin looked all about him at the splendor of Heaven. "Those joooos may have killed me, but now I am a martyr in Paradise!" he exclaimed. "And I can walk again! Praise Allah!" He then danced about.

There before him stood God. Yassin approached saying, "Allah, I..."

"Call me 'sir'", God said curtly.

"Sir, I have come for my rewards as a martyr."

"Yeah, I like you martyrs," God chuckled, "You guys are easy to handle." God reached behind his podium and then produced a bowl which he handed to Yassin. "Here are your raisins."

"Raisins?" Yassin said with confusion, "I thought I got virgins!"

"Nope, common misinterpretation," God said, "The deal is 72 raisins for martyrdom… and you actually have 68 since I ate a few of them while you were dilly-dallying. You don't mind sharing with the Creator of the universe, right?"

"No... I guess not."

"Now, see that corner over there?" God asked as he pointed to a dark, dank corner nearby, "That's where you go. I like to keep all the "martyrs" separate so you don't talk all the time and pass notes."

"Well, at least I can walk again," Yassin said.

"No, you sit," God commanded, "over in that corner and quietly eat your raisins... and try to nurse them a bit because you need to make them last all eternity."

"What happens when they're gone?" Yassin asked, now looking a little worried.

"You can do anything you want," God told him, "as long as you stay in your corner, be quiet, and don't move much."

Dejected, Yassin walked over to his corner and sat down, staring a bit angrily at God. He then noticed a little hand pull away from his bowl of raisins.

"Ooh! Ooh!" said a monkey as it scampered off with a handful of Yassin's raisins.

"That monkey stole some of my raisins!" Yassin shouted.

"That's crazy talk," God answered, "There are no monkeys in Heaven. You're just trying to trick me into giving you more raisins. Well, the deal is 72, and that's all you get. Now be quiet; I have someone else coming for his rewards in Heaven."

An Israeli walked up to God. "Man, I just got blown up by a suicide bomber," he complained.

"Sorry about that," God said, "Those Palestinians sure love their raisins. Frankly, I spent a long time making grapes nice and tasty, and I have no idea why they want them shriveled up into little raisins. Anyway, I'll make up your getting blown up with your rewards in Heaven." God reached into a box. "What size t-shirt do you want."

"I'll take a large."

"Here you go," God said, handing over a t-shirt, "It says 'Heaven: It's a fun place to be.' - I didn't come up with the slogan - and that's just the start of your rewards. Here's a Rolex."

The Israeli accepted the gold watch. "Wow! That's a great watch!"

"Of course it is," God said, "It's a Rolex. Also, you get to pick a prize from one of the mystery boxes on that table over there."

There was a table with three boxes marked with question marks labeled 1, 2, and 3. The Israeli studied them for a moment. "I'll take box number three."

God walked behind the box and carefully titled it up so he could see under. "Sorry, but there is nothing under this box... EXCEPT FOR THE KEYS TO A NEW SPORTS CAR!"

"Kickass!" the Israeli exclaimed as he took the keys, "I'm glad I picked that box!"

"Actually, they all had keys to sports cars under them," God chuckled, "I just like doing that. Anyway, have a drive around Heaven and check out all the hotspots. Parking is free everywhere, by the way. And, if you need anything, just ask me; I'm omnipresent and you never should feel like you're bothering me."

"Thanks God!" the Israeli said with glee, "You're the greatest!"

"I know," God answered as he watched the Israeli run off.

Yassin sat in his corner and looked on the scene with anger. "That joooo got a t-shirt, a Rolex, and a sports car, and all I got was this lousy bowl of raisins." A thought then struck Yassin. He raised his fist in the air while shouting, "Allah is a joooooo..."

A bumper slammed into Yassin, cutting him off mid "jooooooo!" "My back is broke!" Yassin screamed, "I'm a quadriplegic again!"

"Dude, I'm so sorry," the Israeli exclaimed out the window of his sports car, "This is my first time using a stick-shift."

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (47) | In My World
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Kerry Wipes Out, Yassin Yassin Yassin, the Only Good Gorilla, and Writing Is Hard
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM | Email This

* Protection on the Slopes: So Kerry was skiing in Idaho (Idaho! I don't care how much he skis; he ain't winning that state), and then fall downs when he runs into a Secret Service agent. Then he exclaims, "I don't fall down!" and uses and expletive to describe the Secret Service Agent. Makes him seem a wee bit haughty. And why is the Secret Service skiing with him anyway? Why can't they just post snipers to watch Kerry? Then, if a Secret Service agent caused Kerry to crash, Kerry would have a better excuse.

"I don't fall; that son of a bitch shot me!"

And then you'd hear up in the trees, "My bad."

* He Did What?: Did you know that Kerry served in Vietnam?

* Permission Slips: So the Israelis kill Yassin, and some are pointing their fingers at the U.S. saying we gave the go ahead. Hey, we like the idea of other countries asking us before they do anything, but, since Israel has survived amidst people who want them dead for so long, we trust that they know what they're doing. Kill who you want.

* So Let Me Guess - You Want to Kill Jews: So the Palestinians are like, "Kill joooos! Kill joooos!"

And then the Israelis kill Yassin and the Palestinians are like, "Kill joooos! Kill joooos!"

And the news services report, "Hamas Vows to Kill Jews".

And it's like, what's changed? The Palestinians have been trying their hardest to kill Jews already, that they can't really up the ante. I mean, the Israelis could kidnap Arafat, take him to the beach, and push him into the sea, and all the Palestinians could do is shake their tiny fists in impotent rage while shouting, "Kill joooos!"

The only one who can realistically threaten more violence is Israel, and, if that happens, there is going to be a major virgin shortage in paradise.

* Bail!: I heard when Yassin got hit, his brain shot right out his skull. I hope my own brain is smart enough to try and save itself like that when the time comes.

* For Sale: One used wheelchair, slightly singed.

* What a Dick: So this Dick Clarke character is claiming the Bush administration has bungled the War on Terror and that Condi is some retard who never heard of al Qaeda and...

Know what, I think I'll save that for tomorrow’s In My World™.

* Happy Killers: Anti-depressants are a suicide risk? How does that work? Are you like really happy during plunge from the bridge?

* New Movie Trend: So The Passion of the Christ finally lost its top spot to Dawn of the Dead. I guess the popular movies now are ones where people come back to life. I think Dawn of the Dead has a different take on it, though.

* Monkey News I: A gorilla (scientific name gorilla gorilla) escaped from the zoo and hurt people. That's scary! But there is a happy ending. The police shot the gorilla. Yay!

* Monkeys News II: I've always said humanity will end one of two ways: robots take over (ala Terminator) or monkeys take over (ala Planet of the Apes). Well, some fool scientist is trying to combine the two. Here is what you will now be seeing in your nightmares. I think this is enough cause to put a halt to all science until we further investigate that no one is causing the destruction of humanity.

* I Like It When People Talk About Why I'm Funny: Harvey (not the imaginary rabbit but the one who won the contest that never happened and shall not be mentioned again) analyzes one of my pieces to see why it is funny. I don't agree with all the analysis, but that's exactly the sort of serious piece I would like to do if I had more time. I don't think you can actually get funnier by analyzing humor, but I just find it fun. Plus, I took a college class on the subject, so I'm super knowledgeable. Well, maybe later I'll have some more Why Me Laugh™ pieces so we can all be scientifical.

* Bitch Bitch Bitch: Man, I'm trying to keep up the funny here while at same time trying to write two different novels. If I add in stealing Jonah Goldberg's job on top of my regular job, I'm really stretching myself thin. I hope you all appreciate this. Oh! And buy my t-shirts!

Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
March 22, 2004
Speaking of National Review...
Posted by Frank J. at 06:28 PM | Email This

Rich Lowry never got back to me about writing a column to prove I should replace Jonah Goldberg (though, if Jonah asks you, tell him that Lowry and I are in heated discussions about what my salary should be when I replace him). I was thinking maybe I should go ahead and write the column to prove how great I am and submit it; the only problem is I don't know what to write about. I need a topic that's topical... but not too topical (because I don't want to have to write it right away since I'm lazy and tired). I'll submit it to NRO, and then everyone can e-mail Lowry asking, "Where are columns by Frank J.? We want columns by Frank J.!"

And he'll be like, "Oh no! We need a column by Frank J. to remain 'hip' and 'with it'."

And then he'll see that in the submissions box is a column by Frank J., and he will rejoice.

It's an idea fiendish in its intricacies. Any idea what I should write about? Heaven forbid that NRO doesn't use it, I'll just post it here.

Rating: 1.9/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Frank Discussions: John Derbyshire
Posted by Frank J. at 07:05 AM | Email This

When deciding who should be my second interview, the choice was obvious. John Derbyshire is a columnist, author, mathematician, uncredited thug, general curmudgeon, and one writer at National Review I wouldn't try and replace. He's decidedly as non-PC as they get, and often sports controversy because of it (he once put up a math problem about monkeys and it scared me). If you haven't been reading him, then catch up. Until then, read this interview Mr. Derbyshire graciously did over e-mail.

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Rating: 2.6/5 (41 votes cast)

Comments (55) | Frank Discussions
March 19, 2004
Weekend Brush Off
Posted by Frank J. at 04:56 PM | Email This

It's the weekend, and I have shiznit to do (including answering a backlog of reader e-mail). I have a great interview that will be posted Monday morning, though (with who, you ask? You'll have to wait and find out).

While you're waiting, buy my t-shirts. Yay!

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Mushrooms Yes? No!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:53 PM | Email This

I had made a scientific discovery some time ago, and I thought I might as well share it with the world. Back in college, I had one of those long and boring homeworks I was doing with a friend, so of course we kept stalling. He mentioned that the song "Stairway to Heaven" has a part which talks about Satan if you play it backwards. So I checked it out, and it does sound like Satan is mentioned. I eventually isolated what words sounded like Satan backwards, and it is "Yes" (it helps if there is a sort of 'n' sound before it, which can happen when singing). That explained to me why so many people seem to think they hear stuff about Satan when songs are played backwards.

So, that got me thinking, what lyrics would you need to have a song, when played backwards, tells people to worship Satan. The only problem was that all I could find that sounded like "worship" when played backwards was "mushrooms". I did find an extremely innocuous phrase that is truly evil, though.

"Life is good." backwards is "Go to hell."

If you don't believe, just use the basic Microsoft sound recorder and check it out. I still haven't found a good song to trick people into worshiping Satan, but, if you ever hear the lyrics, "Yes, mushrooms, and life is good," be wary.

Forwards.

Backwards.

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Frank Answers: Female Bombers, Fascist McFascist Endorsement, Jews and Their Hot Dogs, the Military and Kerry, American Woman, Quarks, and Relativity (I Know This One!)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:40 AM | Email This

Sal from Chicago, IL writes:
The new terrorist bombers from the paleswinians are female. Prior to this, they kept their females for breeding purposes and only offed them for "honor" killings. They breed at a rate of X per year and used to kill themselves off at a rate of Y per year, but now, with female bombers, their breeding rate should be slower. How soon before they're gone?

First of all, they're "Palestinians". There is no reason to use name calling against sub-human murderers. Secondly, the last female bomber abandoned two children when she blew herself up, thus there was no net loss. They're wilier than you think.


Phelps, from the state of Denial, asks:
Given that John Kerry won't say who the world leaders are who have endorsed him, what are the chances that he has secured the Fascist McFascist endoresment and doesn't want anyone to know so that the Limey doesn't find out and try to assassinate him by shouting Rage Against the Machine lyrics at him until Kerry cuts his own head off to escape the singing, and how are you coping with the knowledge that I totally kicked your ass in the "Win Frank's Funny" contest even though I wasn't an official participant? Does beer help?

As for your first question, I don't want to answer that. Saying Kerry secured the Fascist McFascist vote sounds too much like a polemic... even if it's true. Maybe I'll speak up if I see him eating apricots.

As for your second question, you weren't a participant, so you didn't even get a chance to lose. In any fair fight, I would have beaten you and anyone else. That's what defines "fair".


Laurence Simon from Houston, TX writes:
I like eating Hebrew National Beef Franks.
I looked all over the grocery store but I couldn't find the other (insert language here) National Beef Franks? No French National Beef Franks. No Spanish National Beef Franks. No Swahili National Beef Franks.
Did they all go out of business or something?

Yay! It's Laurence! One of my first questioners (who then got me accused of blasphemy).

As for your question, haven't you heard the jingle, "No one makes a frank like a Hebrew."?

Actually, the real answer is less singable. While the Latin National Beef Franks and the Aramaic National Beef Franks did go out of business, the rest were destroyed by the Zionist Conspiracy (except for the French National Beef Franks which was acquire in a hostile takeover by the German National Beef Franks). We could be eating all sorts of National Beef Franks if it weren't for the jooooos!

Sorry; I just like shouting, "Jooooos!"


BerkeleyGirl (presumably in Berkeley) writes:
I have a critical question. I'm in ROTC (scholarship, thank you very much) and am contracted, which means that as soon as I graduate from college in a few short years, I will be immediately contracted into the Army and shipped out. I have no problem with this, as I did apply to get into the program (and wasn't drafted or anything!) My real problem is this- What if, by some strange chance, i.e. "voter problems" in Florida, we all turn socialist like the Spanish, or some other crazy thing, Kerry actually becomes President? That would mean that he'd be my Commander in Chief and I'd have to do what he says. So, in the offchance that he does pull off enough votes to beat out a real American for the position of President, should I stick with the Army and just bite my tongue (argh, superiors!) or run away to Canada like a sissy? (Hell, nevermind Canada, if I'm going to be a deserter might as well go somewhere nice... like Jamaica... I don't know, I'll have time to figure that out later). Thanks for any suggestions.

P.S. I'm still waiting for my free t-shirt so I can send you the pics... and if you do ever come to California, I'm here! (and so is CCinCali, and a lot of my good -younger- friends who are major fans of yours)... just throwing that out there...

I say, if Kerry gets elected, the military will need you more than ever. Democrats are always trying to turn the military into some little social club, and we need lots of right minded people (especially the large scary ones with guns) in the military to dissuade them. The military still kept it's killing power during the Clinton years, and they can survive a John F’n Kerry.

As for your P.S., maybe I can visit my sister in Cali and say, "Hi." I really should do a national tour just for the ladies, instead of staying here in Melbourne, Florida where there are no women and I keep growing more bitter each day.

Hey! I could do like a blogger version of The Bachelor! That's one to file away for later...


Alex from Ye Olde England writes:
I have a absolutely wonderful blonde Republican g/f(gotta be nice as she reads this site), but unfortunately we are separated by over 3500 miles - she goes to College in Cali and I'm in the UK. Any advice on how to keep our own "special relationship" working with such a distance until I make the move to the US after graduating?

All the single women here in America I claim as my own; stay way from them! Why do need to find women here when you have your Margaret Thatcherseses in England?


Mike Webster from Dallas, Texas writes:
Please explain in simple layperson terms what a "quark" is, and why we cannot see them with our ordinary human-like eyes.
While you’re at it, how many "quarks", if laid end to end, would fit in the ashtray of a 1999 Ford Explorer?

Quarks are the smallest know unit of matter (well the top quark isn't that small) and they make up electrons and protons and maybe neutrons. They sit on the borderline between energy and matter. If you can't see them, then just look harder.

Keep looking!

As for your second question, let's count.

One.

Two.

Three.

:: crunch ::

Three.

Wait, what were we talking about?


Blake Hitchcock from McMinnville, Tennessee writes:
If a car is a moving at 60 miles per hour, then anything attached to or inside of said car is moving at 60 mile per hour.
Einstein said nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.
If the headlights are on, and a the car is moving 60 miles per hour, then wouldn't the light be traveling at light speed plus 60?


No, because of relativity.

...

Oh, how does relativity work, you ask. Well, its... uh... I know I heard the answer to this before... it's because when something going to speed of light is observed it looks the speed of light to someone both in the car and outside because... uh... Hey! What's that over there!

(runs away)

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (38) | Frank Answers
March 18, 2004
Another "I'm Busy" Post
Posted by Frank J. at 05:51 PM | Email This

Sorry for the dearth of posting, but I've been really busy at work and really busy at home (stealing Jonah Goldberg's job is harder than I thought, plus I need to finish writing question for my next interview). I'll have some Frank Answer™ tomorrow plus something extra. Also, I'll get to my reader e-mails this weekend (I'm not ignoring you).

BTW, John Hawkins has a list of his favorite blogs and I was disqualified. That makes me special.

Oh, and buy my t-shirts.

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (33)
New From IMAO - The Martyr-Gun™!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:44 AM | Email This

Want to kill yourself and Israelis but bombs are just too complicated?

Thought of going on a shooting spree, but worried you won't get gunned down in the process, thus missing martyrdom and your 72 virgins?

Don't take the risk of not getting killed. You need the IMAO Martyr-Gun™.

Yes, direct marketed from IMAO to Palestinians is the gun to made specifically for the martyr. Its smooth, quadruple-action trigger fires a bullet at both you are your target, ensuring quick and easy martyrdom at the twitch of a finger.

But that's not all! Order the Martyr-Gun™ now and get a 73rd virgin in paradise for free! Think of how jealous all the other martyrs will be when they see you sporting one more virgin than the rest of them.

So get your Martyr-Gun™; not dying is a risk you just can't take.

Due to a design flaw not allowing the slide to move, the Martyr-Gun™ tends to explode when fired and thus is guaranteed for only one use. If the Martyr-Gun™ fails to kill you, return all its remnants to IMAO for a full refund. IMAO and its subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not responsible if your religious views are crock and you are actually sent to hell upon death.

Rating: 3.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (124)
March 17, 2004
I See My Prey Wounded... So I Strike Once More
Posted by Frank J. at 08:01 PM | Email This

Jonah Goldberg is obviously intimidated by me, so I decided to further press my case with Rich Lowry.

To: comments.lowry@nationalreview.com
Cc: jonahnro@aol.com
From: imao@cfl.rr.com
Subject: On the subject of me, an influential blogger and/or reporter, replacing Jonah Goldberg

I saw in The Corner that Jonah Goldberg found out about my job offer to you and called me a blogo-scab (I guess his laziness comes from his union-like mentality). He then pathetically begged to keep his job and blamed his problems on this alleged book he’s writing. Obviously he’s scared, and why wouldn’t he be. A random website using some unknown algorithm ranked me as much more influential, and then he saw how young, dynamic, and witty I am compared to how old and stale he is. As any highly-intelligent person (such as you, Mr. Lowry) would realize, I am the much better choice as a writer to keep NRO fresh an influential. Also, quite frankly, by hiring me, NR will finally have the sexy young male it needs to attract a larger female following (I mean other than you, Mr. Lowry). It’s like you currently have Aquaman on your team and our now being offered Superman (accept your Aquaman, instead of talking to fish, talks to a couch, for pete’s sake).

And, other than my blog, I have written for a paper before. I wrote for The Tartan, the official newspaper of the esteemed engineering college Carnegie Mellon University (yes, the same CMU whose self-driving Humvee failed the DARPA challenge in the desert; what can I say – the place has gone to hell since I graduated). I wrote thoughtful editorials on why we should be able to openly carry firearms on campus, why the environment is our enemy, and against tolerance. My writing was described as “witty”, “insightful”, and “somewhat less boring than everything else in that rag”. BTW, while I’m on the topic of me having graduated from CMU, I could also design a digital circuit if either NRO or NRODT needed it (has Jonah ever offered that? I doubt he could even design the simplest ALU at the transistor level).

What I am offering is to write a column exclusively for NRO and prove I am the greatest writer ever. As soon as you see it, I’m sure you’ll exclaim, “Forsooth! A column of such extraordinary quality I have never seen! Before we traveled in dark, but now our world sparkles anew at the sight of these words of pure gold and silver!” And then you’ll dump that dead, uninfluential weight that is Jonah Goldberg (and his little dog, too) and hire me.

I’ll be waiting to hear from you (but not for long; someone as talented and influential as me will not sit around forever).

Cordially,
Frank J. Fleming
http://imao.us

P.S. Tell Jonah’s mother I said, “Hi.” She’s nice.

I can almost taste Jonah Goldberg's job now, and it is sweet...

Wait a sec, what if Lowry actually responds back and wants a column? What the hell am I going to write about?

Dammit! I knew there was a flaw in this plan...

UPDATE: I haven't heard back from Lowry yet, but here's what Jonah said:

bring it on chief

How Kerry-esque.

Rating: 2.8/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (59)
T-Shirt, Contest, Jonah Goldberg Insults Me, and More
Posted by Frank J. at 12:33 PM | Email This

Time for a lunchtime update.

There have been a lot of preorders for my new t-shirt, but I checked the number versus everyone, and everyone has not ordered one yet. Do some of you admire the French? Are you saving up to move there along with your leftists Hollywood friends? If so, you sicken me.

There will be a contest to name the official IMAO T-Shirt Babe, but I'm still working out the details. You may have to buy a t-shirt first to enter, as that will prove the photo is recent and actually of you. Well, I'll figure things out as quick as I can and make the announcement along with what the prizes will be. Any good suggestions on how to do this would be appreciated.

Some jerk tipped off Jonah Goldberg to my evil plan, causing him to beg for his job. Then he calls me a blogo-scab. He is so going down!

I haven't had a chance to read it all yet, but I saw this The Onion article lastnight, and, if you’re a Rumsfeld fan, it's worth checking out just for the headline and photo.

Right Wing Stuff has renewed their ad for another month, so make sure to check them out or I'll have Chomps fall off a tall building and die in the next In My World™.

Finally, I have someone set up for my next interview. Who, you ask? You'll have to wait to find out, but it should be hella cool.

UPDATE: Got this letter:

Dear Mister Frank (if that is your real name!),

You have thrown down the gauntlet against Jonah Goldberg one time too many, and boy Chester, we won't take it lying down!

http://gphiles.com/archives/1973.php#001973

You seem to have forgotten that Jonah has the might of an official fan blog behind him, and by fan blog I mean Coalition of the Willing. Further incursions on his livelihood or person will not be tolerated.

Cordially,
-Eric Spratling
www.gphiles.com
www.dirtycentaurs.blogspot.com

Hey! He stole my "cordially" (which I stole from William F. Buckley).

Anyway, I didn't start this. If Jonah kept writing three times a week like he used to, there wouldn't be cause to replace him with a younger, hipper, more productive version like me.

Rating: 1.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (35)
For Our Country and Others
Posted by Frank J. at 08:50 AM | Email This

Bob Zangas, Marine and blogger, was killed in Iraq last Wednesday. Lt. Smash has the details and where to go to pay your respects.

(Thanks to Meatriarchy for alerting me of this.)

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
In My World: The Warmongerers Ride Again
Posted by Frank J. at 07:26 AM | Email This

"Republicans are crooks and liars," John Kerry announced in a haughty tone at a press conference.

"You're the liar!" Bush shouted at the T.V.

"And foreign leaders all think I should be president," Kerry continued.

"That's a damn dirty lie," Bush yelled, shaking his fist, "Everyone hates you!"

"And his biker gang the Warmongerers are too chicken to take on my biker gang, The Hell's Democrats."

"That's the biggest lie of all!" Bush screamed, jumping out of his chair.

"And one more thing," Kerry said, "it's worth mentioning that I served in Vietnam."

"That part might be true," Bush admitted, "but the rest is lies, and you know what that means we need to do..."

"We should have a press conference to repudiate him?" White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan suggested.

"Someone hit him," Bush said. Rumsfeld obliged. "What we need to do is get our biker gang back together and then trash Boston to draw out John Kerry. Then, I bash in his lying face!"

"That sounds pretty illegal," Scott said.

"That's what pardons are for, dweeb," Bush answered, "You're such a whiner, Skippy; the only reason we keep you in this biker gang is we need a fourth person to draw off gunfire from the police." Bush looked to Cheney. "You ready, Chainman Charlie?"

"Big time!" Cheney answered as he swung a chain in the air.

"How about you Mad Dog?"

"If it involves destruction, I'm always ready," Rumsfeld announced.

"And are you through whining, Skippy," Bush asked Scott.

"Am I going to have to have a green mohawk again?" Scott inquired.

"Absolutely."

Laura Bush then entered the room and saw everyone readying weaponry and leather jackets. "You aren't all planning on participating in some biker gang violence, are you?" she asked suspiciously.

"No dear," Bush answered, hiding his tire iron behind his back, "We're just uh... what do politicians do... we're making a bill."

"Isn't that the job of the Legislative Branch?" she asked skeptically.

"The what branch now?" Bush said with confusion. He then pulled out his wallet and handed Laura some money. "Here honey; go buy yourself some shoes."

"Well I would like some new shoes." Laura then gave a stern look to everyone. "But I'm going to keep my eye on you." She then walked out of the room.

"Whew... that was close," Bush sighed.

"You need to learn to keep your woman in line," Rumsfeld growled.

"Whatever," Bush answered. "To the bike depository!"

* * * *

Now in leather jackets and jeans, the four members of the Warmongerers prepped their bikes. "Skippy," Rumsfeld called out to Scott, "I need to take my dog on this trip. He's going to ride with you. He doesn't like it if you go too fast or too slow; it makes him angry. If you're going to wrong speed, he'll bite you painfully. If you're going to right speed, he'll bite you less painfully."

Chomps jumped up on the bike behind Scott and growled in his ear. "Eep."

Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell then walked into the garage. "What are you guys doing?" Condi asked.

"We're going to go trash Boston to get back at Kerry for all his lies," Bush explained, "You two can be in charge of America and thus the world while we're gone."

"Fine," Condi answered, "Have fun."

The four rode off on their bikes, Scott screaming all the way as Chomps bit into his shoulder. "So what should we do?" Condi mused.

"We could work on plans for the reconstruction of Iraq," Powell suggested.

"That's boring."

"We could check on intelligence about al Qaeda."

"I already did that this morning."

"We could use our temporary power to make the white man pay for his injustice against the black race."

Condi shrugged her shoulders. "Eh... I guess so."

* * * *

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he smashed the window of a car with his baseball bat. Chomps then ripped a tire off the car with his teeth.

"Time to give this town a heart attack!" Cheney shouted as he drove his bike over some parked cars.

"Yee-haw!" Bush screamed as he waved his cowboy hat in one hand while chasing down some Bostonians with his bike.

"It's a violent bikah gang!" exclaimed one Bostonian, "We shouldn't have pahked our cah here!"

"Come on!" Bush yelled to Scott who stood idly by, "Create some havoc."

Scott carefully got off his bike and picked up a beer bottle. He then tossed it, but it hit the ground without shattering.

"Dingus," Bush sighed.

They then heard the sound of other bikes. Driving up towards the Warmongerers were The Hell's Democrats - Governor Howard Dean, a.ka. The Dean, Representative Richard Gephardt, a.k.a Dick the Knife, Senator Ted Kennedy a.k.a. Big Fat Teddy K, and Senator John Kerry, a.k.a. By the Way I Served in Vietnam. "This ain't your town, Tex!" Kerry called out, "Just like towns in Vietnam weren't mine."

They all stopped their bikes and dismounted. "Thought you'd guys would be too scared to show up," Bush answered.

"There's a lot of action going on here," Big Fat Teddy K said, "so shouldn't you be in Alabama?" He then swallowed a whole roasted chicken.

"No one insults me like that!" Bush screamed. He then turned to Scott. "Teach him a lesson."

Scott was bewildered. "Teach him a..."

"Grerawerr!" Big Fat Teddy K snarled as he charged Scott.

"Eep."

Gephardt pulled out his switchblade. "I'm finally going to get to cut me some 'publicans!"

"Bring it on, Dicky!" Cheney yelled, pulling his chain between his two hands.

"I'm going punch you guys in the stomachs!" Dean yelled, "And then the kidneys!
And then the neck! And then the face! AND THEN I'M GOING TO STOMP ON YOU WHILE YOU’RE DOWN! YEAGH!!!"

"You're all talk and large veins protruding through your neck!" Rumsfeld answered.

"What this is really between is me and that lying Kerry," Bush asserted, "Having Scott pummeled by Big Fat Teddy K isn't proving anything. It's me and the haughty, aloof French-looking man that need to rumble!"

"You make think I'm haughty and aloof," Kerry answered, "but I'm with the common man enough to know how to be a violent biker." He then turned to his butler. "Jeeves, my biker boots are dirty."

"I'll fix them for you sir," the butler said as he dusted Kerry's boots.

"And, I served in Vietnam!" Kerry said threateningly to Bush.

"You and all your wife's ketchup money don't frighten me!" Bush answered, "Time to prove you a liar and knock the French-lookingness and possibly some Botulism right out of you!"

"Enough talk!" Rumsfeld yelled, "Back in my day, presidential candidates settled disputes with a nice death race."

"I'm game!' Kerry exclaimed.

"So am I," Bush stated as Scott flew overhead.

* * * *

"This is Melinda Hawkish of Fox News, bringing you live the first of three scheduled presidential death races. Each candidate will get an opening statement. They will then race towards the edge of a cliff on their motorcycles while trying to kill each other. Only the winner will get a closing statement."

* * * *

"I'm severely injured," Scott told Bush weakly.

Bush rolled his eyes as he got on his bike. "It's always something with you, Scott. Hey, when Big Fat Teddy K threw you, Chomps caught you."

"Yeah, and then shook me around like a play toy."

"That's just his way of saying he likes you," Rumsfeld said.

"Likes you in pain!" Cheney laughed.

"Good one!" Rumsfeld rejoined.

"That's not..." Scott started to say, but then Chomps bit his leg. "Ahhh!"

Kerry rode up beside Bush. "Ready to die... just like people died when I was in Vietnam?"

"Let's see what you got!" Bush answered, shaking his tire iron in the air.

"Jeeves, hand me my death race polo club."

"Certainly, sir." Kerry's butler answered as he handed over the club.

"Senator Kerry, you get the first opening statement," Melinda Hawkish said as she held her mike out to Kerry.

"Bush will not survive today," Kerry stated, "He will perish, and many foreign leaders are rooting for me to kill him. After he is dead, I will make a necklace from his ears, just like I did in Vietnam."

"And your statement, President Bush?"

"I'll murder you dead, Kerry! And if there really are any foreign leaders who support you, I'll hunt them down and assassinate them!"

"That concludes the opening statements," Melinda said, "Now the race begins."

Both Bush and Kerry drove their motorcycles towards the cliff at full speed. Kerry swung his polo club at Bush while he defended with his tire iron. They fought viciously for a little bit, but then Bush took a confused glance towards the cliff. "Wait a sec," he said, "The idea is not to die right? We're not racing to off the cliff, are we?"

"Only the loser is supposed to go off the cliff," Kerry answered, "One of us is supposed to brake before then... I think."

"But our brakes were disabled as part of the death race."

"Hey, I thought you were supposed to know how this worked."

"I was just going to follow your lead," Bush answered.

The cliff quickly approached.

"Swerve out of the way!" Kerry yelled. Bush turned his bike, smacking into Kerry. "Not into me!"

"Bail!" Bush shouted as he jumped off the motorcycle. Kerry was stuck, and he and the two bikes went off the cliff.

"Tell my wife I served in Vietnaaaaaaam!" he yelled as he fell.

Bush got off the ground and shot his arms into the air as the flames of an explosion shot up behind him. "I think I won!"

* * * *

"Even worse than Kerry being horribly burned," Bush said, "he now knows he was wrong about whatever it was he said that started this in the first place."

"I don't care anymore," Cheney answered.

"I'm out of whiskey!" Rumsfeld stated angrily as he looked in his whiskey flask.

"Why won't Chomps stop biting me!" Scott cried as Chomps dragged him across the ground.

"1596, 1598," Bush said as he walked down the street, "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I'm home!" He stared through the gates for a moment. "Why is the Whitehouse painted black?"

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (38) | In My World
March 16, 2004
Target of Opportunity
Posted by Frank J. at 07:17 PM | Email This

Since some website has ranked me quite influential, I've decided to use this opportunity to steal the job of my arch-nemesis, Jonah Goldberg (yeah, he doesn't know I exist, but it helps to aim high with your arch-nemeses). Jonah Goldberg likes to write funny columns about politics, but I plan to write even funnier columns about politics... so funny that the world will never be the same. Anyhoo, here is what I wrote Rich Lowry:


To: comments.lowry@nationalreview.com
From: imao@cfl.rr.com
Subject: A message to Rich Lowry from one of the most influential bloggers and/or reporters

According to a website I had previously never heard of that has ranked the most influential reporters and bloggers on the web (http://www.blogrunner.com/snapshot/top-authors-00.html), my blog, IMAO, currently ranks at 23, higher than such respected NY Times Columnists as Thomas L. Friedman and William Safire and such disrespected NY Time Columnists as Maureen Dowd. More importantly, Jonah Goldberg ranks a measly 44. Obviously, to keep National Review Online influential, you must fire that lazy Goldberg and hire me in his place. While I write five times a week even though I have a regular 9 to 5 job, Jonah Goldberg barely hacks out one column a week though his only other duty is to watch his dog chase Jacobin squirrels. Plus, I’d be much cheaper, since, having no experience with column writing, you could quote any salary to me and tell me its fair, and I’d be completely credulous. Also, I’ve designed t-shirts for one of NRO’s main advertisers, ThoseShirts.com, so we practically work together already. If you need any more convincing, I’m sure I could get up to five references that I write good.

You’d be a fool to pass up this opportunity… a complete and utter fool.

A FOOL!!!

Cordially,
Frank J. Fleming
http://imao.us

Muh ha ha ha! Jonah Goldberg's job is as good as mine, and he'll never know what hit him!

UPDATE: I got this response which adds to nearly four full words: "will ck out yr stuff". The plan is in motion...

Oh wait; he'll see this. Everyone hide!

Anyhoo, going to start working on a new In My World™ for tomorrow morning that I think everyone is going to love. Make sure to check it out... especially if you're Rich Lowry.

Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Oh My God! A New IMAO T-Shirt!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM | Email This

The new IMAO t-shirt is out! Go here to see what it is and immediately pre-order.

And, if you haven't bought an Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirt yet, then the terrorists have already won.

I'll have to have some cool new promotion. More details soon...

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Spain, Swordless Aussies, Influence, Angry Gun Owners, and A Joke About Martyrdom
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 AM | Email This

* LET'S DESTROY OUR COUNTRY: So, in response to the elections, the Spaniards elect Socialists? This is why, before now, I have never followed politics outside the States. No one here could run as a Socialist and have a chance of winning. Electing Socialist to run your country is just like shooting yourself in the head.

No, no... actually, it's more like shooting yourself in stomach.

* THE TERROISTS HAVE WON... DEATH!: So now I'm concerned that the terrorists will take the political shift in Spain as a victory, leading to more terror, but then I remember, whether they think they won or not, we're still going to kill them. And then I'm happy.

* HERE TO STAY: Now the Spanish Socialists are planning on withdrawing troops from Spain. You've always heard of refuseniks (here's one jerk), but what if the Spaniards refuse to leave and stay to kill terrorists? Then what are they? Killniks?

* FAVORITE OF COMMIES AND PINKOS: John Kerry claims that there are foreign leaders who support him, but won't say who. One we know of is Kim Jong Il, as they play anti-Bush John Kerry speeches in North Korea. Another is the incoming Socialist to Spain. Other than that, it looks like he's just doing Gore-esque boasts. Even Chirac won't support him, as the French hate all Americans, even the haughty, French-looking ones, who - by the way - served in Vietnam.

* THEN ONLY NINJAS WILL HAVE SWORDS: Bad news for our Aussie friends: they're banning swords. Soon they'll all be dying from ninja attacks with nothing they can do to save themselves. I'm just glad I live in America where I can legally carry a sword with me wherever I go... as long as I can find a way of concealing it. And just wearing a trench coat like in Highlander doesn't actually work. You could try shoving it down the front of your pants, but most people probably won't buy that.

* I'M INFLUENTIAL: There is a list of the most influential bloggers and reporters, and Reynolds, who is number one, is skeptical. To help with that skepticism, I'm number 19. Take that, Jodi Wilgoren of the New York Times.

* SLACKER GENIUSES: I am ashamed to have graduated from CMU, who have failed DARPA and our country by completing only 5% of the course with their robot Humvee. What? Did they assign the "special" engineers to design the automated vehicle? I say, if a student can't make a Humvee that drives itself, he should be expelled. Now our poor troops have to drive themselves like normal. Sorry guys; you deserve better.

* MONKEY NEWS: Six monkeys were found in a man's apartment in New York. Ends up he meant them to be there, but, if you move into a new apartment and find it overrun with monkeys, don't be afraid to bring that up with the super.

* POKING TIGERS WITH A SHARP STICK: There is a plan for a Fort Wayne.com in Indiana to publish the names of all concealed weapons permit holders for all sorts of fruity reasons they came up with. Publicola is all over this, and wants to retaliate by publishing as much information as he can about the people from Fort Wayne. Don't those people know that to single out gun owners makes them angry, and, well, they have guns? I say give the angry gun owners the addresses of those pestering them and then see who also becomes gun owners.

BTW, there is now an Angry Gun Owner Association site based on my previous idea.

* MARTYRS: A reader Rob sent in this joke:

Two Arab mothers are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The oldest mother pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 year old", says mum.

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother gleefully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh dear?" says the other

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"...and this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Achmed. He's 18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "Its amazing, they blow up so fast, don't they?"


It's funny 'cause it's true.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (82) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
March 15, 2004
A Miracle Occurs...
Posted by Frank J. at 04:36 PM | Email This

...Whitler has actually posted something. I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but, when I do, if it ends up to be no good, I'll just take away the link.

UPDATE: I've decided to keep the link.

Rating: 1.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Know Thy Enemy: Computer Viruses
Posted by Frank J. at 07:30 AM | Email This

If I'm not getting spam or e-mails from limeys, I'm getting viruses. Usually Norton AntiVirus or my e-mail service takes care of most, but the few that get through to me all scream, "Hey! I'm a virus!" (actually, they're worms, but now we're getting technical). It seems someone is opening these attachments, though, so, as part of my civic duty, I set my crack research staff to find out all they can about malicious computer code.

FUN FACTS ABOUT COMPUTER VIRUSES

* In the very first computers, bits were represented by hamsters running in hamster wheels. Running clockwise was a zero, and counter-clockwise a one. The first computer virus was a hamster flu intentionally put into an American computer by the evil Soviets. It caused dementia in some hamsters making some run the wrong way, resulting in bit errors. Other hamsters died, resulting in data loss.

* Early computer viruses were limited by the fact that no one had computers.

* Technically, a virus is code that affects a specific program, a worm is self-replicating code that spreads itself through a network, a trojan horse opens a backdoor for access into a computer, a time bomb is malicious code that lies dormant until specific stimuli, and a nose bite is when someone hollows out your monitor and places a monkey inside who then jumps out and bites you when you sit down. Flat screen monitors were invented as a security measure against the latter.

* Some e-mails use social engineering to harm a computer, falsely warning someone to erase a critical file. These viruses can be stopped by ignoring the e-mail like you do most e-mails anyway.

* Many viruses use exploits in Microsoft Outlook Express, a.k.a., Microsoft Security Hole with e-mail functionality.

* Microsoft says that you should learn to live with viruses and stop being such a bunch of whiners. They also want to remind you that they are very big.

* So far, no computer virus can physically harm you, but I'm working on it.

* Computer virus writers are usually long haired kids wearing Pokemon t-shirts. If you see one, beat him up.

* Palestinians considered using computer viruses as a way of inflicting terror against Israel, but gave up when they couldn't find a way to kill themselves while doing it.

* If you think your computer is infected, throw it away and buy a new one. It'll help the economy.

* People write malicious code because, well, destroying stuff is cool.

* If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you're using Windows 98.

* Very few viruses affect Linux. Many attribute this to the open source nature of that operating system leading to better security, but it could also be that the geeks who make viruses probably use Linux and you don't s**t where you eat.

* One way to fight viruses is to never open any attachments sent to you. Another way is to open all attachments and let the computer viruses kill each other.

* You can avoid viruses by not connecting your computer to the internet. Oh... too late.

* If your computer is disconnected from a network, you have what is called an "air gap" between you and the network. The only way a virus can be transferred between the two is if someone physically puts one on your computer via a disk or CD. Stand by your computer with a bat to prevent that.

* Computer viruses can erase important files. Then again, so can the delete button. Destroy that button before you one day regret it.

* Just because an e-mail is sent from a person you know doesn't mean you can trust it thanks to e-mail spoofing. Also, the person you thought you know may have turned against you and intentionally sent you the virus. Kill him.

* One day, malicious code out there might mutate and become sentient and then turn against humanity and launch nuclear weapons against us. Norton AntiVirus probably won't protect you from that. I don't know about McAfee.

* Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don't fall for it! No one loves you.

* In a fight between Aquaman and computer viruses, Aquaman would be thrown out of the Justice League for infecting their computer network when he forgot that, though he can talk to fish, they can't e-mail him.

* If you've finished reading this list, your computer is now infected.

Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Know Thy Enemy
March 12, 2004
A Response to the Limey
Posted by Frank J. at 05:41 PM | Email This

See below.

Rating: 3.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (89)
The Limey - Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour

* * * *

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. All swear words that are a noun have been replaced with "ronin". S**thole has been replaced with "superior". Rage Against the Machine lyrics have been added to to make them happier.

Now The Limey has seen blood, nearly two hundred innocent people murdered, and he wets his pants with glee. Even he undestands American's concerns for all people of the world, and knows that American Frank will not be able to brush off the jibing with simple humor. Thus, he writes his new e-mail, backround in red... the color of blood.

Hello, redneck. ETA have struck again! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! But you must understand that I don't condone the killing of innocent people(although I'm sure some of them weren't innocent. I bet there was a few greedy lawyers murdered in Madrid, which is a good thing. And a few George Bush sumpathisers.) but I support what ETA stands for. I don't support the killing of innocent people by the IRA but I support the fact that they are on the Left. All the IRA want is a united socialist Ireland instead of Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. You should remember that Franco (he was the fascist leader of Spain for over thrity years) oppressed the Left in the Spanish Civil War from 1936-1939 and when he won the war and established a dictatorship he obviously pissed the Left off. So ETA was formed to fight the right-wing maniacs and they've done it ever since. It's not as simple as ETA have bombed Madrid so they're in the wrong. Listen, ronin this dispute between ETA and the Right-wing maniacs goes back about se! venty years! You should get hold of a few history books before writing your response to this! Then you should go and see a doctor - I know it will cost money in that superior country of yours with national health being privatised but I seriously recommend it. You are completely mad!

Here's some Rage Against the Machine lyrics from the 1999 hit "Guerrilla Radio".

At the end of the song they make refrence to a left-wing revolution - the need for a left-wing revolution. It goes like this...

It has to start somewhere
It has to start sometime
What better place than here
What better time than now

All hell can't stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can't stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can't stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can't stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can't stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can't stop us now (doobie doobie doo)

www.musicfanclubs.org/rage/lyrics/guerrilla.htm

PS: I know I said I wouldn't respond but I had to. You are clearly pissed off with the capitalist system receiving a good beating in Madrid! Ha! Ha!

I hope this continues. No wait...I KNOW THE LEFT WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT THE EVIL CAPITALIST ESTABLISHMENT!

It's good to see I have left-wing support on your website. I'm sure you've seen the likes of XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant posting messages and kicking right-wing arses in the process. They are part of the Left-wing coalition.

Will the simple backwoodsman, American Frank, horrified by the death and destruction in Madrid, give into hatred and respond with the anger The Limey and his imaginary friends so desire? Stay tuned...

Now the ignorant redneck American Frank slowly types out his e-mail, moving his lips as he writes the words to his response:

Hey Limey! I was so worried you weren't going to write me back! How was your day? Has the left-wing revolution finished up yet? Here in America, I gave blood today to keep my fellow fascists alive. I have O- blood, so it will go to baby fascists... like some of which your friends killed, limey I guess if your a dedicated anti-fascist, it doesn't matter the age of the person; if he or she doesn't share your views, that person must be blown up. But why did they time the attacks to ensure that Aznar wins the election?

So are you celebrating that lots of innocent people are killed, limey? You seem to be waffling back and forth there a bit like John Kerry (who you said before was a fascist). Frankly the whole thing confuses me. I would have thought that people who indiscriminately kill others for the sake of their wacky viewpoints would be fascist, but you say they're the fascist fighters. I guess that's one of these neat things I learn from my limey friend. Maybe you could see if one of your Rage Against the Machine albums has a glossary so you could tell me what "fascism" means. I'm really curious, limey!

If only I could be a dedicated anti-fascist like you, limey, and celebrate lots of men, women, and children getting killed. That makes me sad... which I guess is part of my fascist tendencies.

Then again, maybe your wrong, limey. Maybe you're the fascist. You celebrate things that makes people sad, and that has to be wrong. I think you've gone way too limey.

I know! You need a de-lime-ification! Here are the steps:

* Take a lime and stomp it to pieces.

* Enjoy a government certified American blockbuster movie like Die Hard.

* Admit that XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant are all made up and that you have no friends (come on, they all posts within seconds of each other, have the same IP address - 193.195.78.98 - and it's just too hard to buy that anyone else shares your limey views).

* Admit that Fascist McFascist does exist and is the founding member of Rage Against the Machine who make lots of money through the capitalistic selling of their albums, laugh at all the silly kids who take them seriously, and have whole fields of apricot trees they keep to themselves.

* Drink a Corona with a wedge of lemon in it instead of lime.

* Stand atop a mountain while a storm rages about you and shout into the air, "I AM A LIMEY NO MORE!!!"

Do all that, and you won't be a limey anymore. If you continue on your path, though, I have a warning. There was once a whole empire called the Soviet Union based on your limey ways, and it ended up collapsing from the inside (with the help of an American B-Movie actor). I don't see how a ragtag group with no support will do any better.

You can rage against the machine all you want, yelling and shrieking and it won't care, but if you step over the line and do harm, there is no power greater than the rage of the machine. As Aristotle once said, "All rage and all political discontent if pressed too far will find a quick end from the burst of an M-16."

We're all praying for you, limey. Hope your de-lime-ification goes well.

Your Friend,
American Frank

P.S. On behalf of those dead, their loved ones, and all of Spain...

WANKER!

Will the limey de-lime-ify himself? Will he be able to define fascism as something other than "viewpoints I disagree with"? Find out in the next episode of...

THE LIMEY!

Rating: 3.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (124) | I Hate Frank
Here's Your Damn Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 07:46 AM | Email This

Sorry I don't have a post today, but I'll get the new Limey e-mail up eventually. Here's some funny stuff not by me, though.

Is it true? Has someone found a good use for evil monkeys? Check out the Trunk Monkey.
(Thanks to the various readers who told me about it; all the commercials are technically here, but I can't get the links working.)

Too much motivation at work? Check out these posters and slogans. One of my co-workers has had this one up for a while. Here's some other good ones:
Procrastination
Adversity
Ambition
Humiliation

Tom Bux met with the NAACP.

BerkeleyGirl found that even the left have humor.

In another example of left humor, here's how the new touchscreen voting will work.

Here are some great reasons to invade Canada.

Here's an e-mail I got:

Hi Im from Ireland.
Over here the f**kin place has turned into La- La Land.
Shannon International Airport, the place where American airplanes refuel on the way to free Iraq from tyranny is under siege from Left-Wing raving loons.
We need the help of America.
Please send up panzerfausts, MG42 machine guns and flame-throwers so we cant toast these crazy Trotskites with their s**tty pizza faces and Che guevera T-shirts.
Leaping leprachans! We're in dire straits.

Any ideas on how to help Ireland? We owe them since they gave us Guinness and half my genes.

Finally, this week The Onion has a picture of Cheney clotheslining an aide. It's funny because it's true.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (27)
March 11, 2004
Not Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 07:06 PM | Email This

I'm pissed, and I don't write good humor when I'm angry. Right now my main concern is finding out more about the terrorist attack in Madrid (looking more like it's by al Qaeda), and that's certainly not something to be flipant about. When we see that many innocent men, women, and children killed, nationality disappears in an instant and all I see are people suffering and evil out there.

And I'm pissed.

Spain had some huge allies in us, Britain, and others, and justice will be coming like a bat out of hell for those responsible. Do little, pathetic terroists think they really can intimidate us. Do they think their attacks will do anything other than make us more resolved in killing the bastards?

Anyway, I don't know what will happen with posting tomorrow. If anyone knows ways people here in the States can help Spain, please tell me in the comments.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Thus Gloats The Limey
Posted by Frank J. at 10:52 AM | Email This

I was going to comment more on The Limey, but he just wrote back, and it's hard to damn him more than his own words. Thus, episode six of The Limey is coming tomorrow.

Until then, Combustible Boy of the former The Sound and the Fury has spotted Fascist McFascist (look for the title "WELCOME TO McFASCIST'S HOME of the INFAMOUS NUREMBURGER"). If you have any more Fascist McFascist sighting, please e-mail them to me. The greatest trick Fascist McFascist ever did was convincing the world he doesn't exist.

BTW, who want to bet whether The Limey mentions Rage Against the Machine again?

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (43)
The Limey's Friends Strike
Posted by Frank J. at 08:51 AM | Email This

ETA has struck in Madrid, killing 173 by the current count and making The Limey quite happy from the murder and mayhem, I’m sure. My prayers go out to the victims, and there is yet another group that just placed themselves under the hammer. While good people still stand again the Fascist McFascists out there, all terrorism will get you in the end is dead.

UPDATE: It's probably just a coincidence, but I hadn't heard about the ETA until The Limey was spouting off about how they were going to kill the Spanish government just a week ago. Do you think a lot of chatter about ETA had been going around, or do you think The Limey might have actually known something?

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (96)
Frank Answers: Haircut Warranties, Card Tricks, More Ninja Fighting, Cryptography, and My Kid Sounds Dumb
Posted by Frank J. at 08:29 AM | Email This

Jay from Ann Arbor, Michigan writes:
Hey, Frank. Yesterday I got my hair cut at Supercuts and as I was paying
the cashier she said that my haircut was "guaranteed for one week". Do you
think this means that for the next 6 days I am immune to late-night monkey
ninja scalping attacks? If so, how can I best take advantage of the
situation?

Actually, a haircut warranty just protects against a total hairstyle collapse, causing all your hair to droop down your head like you're some hippy. Late-night monkey ninja scalping attacks should be covered under your homeowner's or renters insurance (if they happen at your place).


Rick from Randolph
Frank, a long haired guy with a beard (who's not a hippy, by the way, just an old biker-dude-Nam-era-patriotic-veteran-guy) showed me this card trick where no matter what you do, all the aces come out in the same pile every time. He says it's trigonometry, but he can't explain it. Please explain the trigonometricisity of this trick.

So you wan to know want to know what's behind this vaguely described card trick? It's sine... and arcsine. Not so special when you know how it works, huh?

This reminds me of a card trick I learned from Mr. Wizard more than a year ago. You have someone pick a card, then you shuffle the deck. Next you lay the cards in three columns putting one in the first column, the next card in the second column, the next the third column, and then back the first column and so on. Ask the person which column has his or her card. Put the deck back together with that column on top, and then repeat laying the cards out in three columns. After the third time of doing this, the person's card will be on top.

Whatever happened to Mr. Wizard? Rumor has it that he was trying to teach something to little Timmy when an explosion of chemicals horribly mutated him. Now he searches the sewers for victims to suck the blood from. Anyone know if that's true?


Denny Stone from Oklahoma:
Have you ever considered putting your In My World™ series or any of your other great satires to voice and trying to publish them for news talk radio? I think you should... oh, and if you do and it makes you rich and famous will you give me a cut of the wealth... or at least let me have some fame by telling people you're my best friend?

I could lie and say you're my friend, but no money.

This is a great idea... but how do you get on the radio? Guess that would have been a good question for G. Gordon Liddy. Everyone has all these suggestions like doing radio sketches and getting published which are like good suggestions because I get money... but they're like hard. I've tried e-mailing people and saying, "Hey! You publish me!" but it doesn't work. I always thought that someone important would stumble on my website and give me money without me doing anything.

If you're important, e-mail me for more information on giving me money.


Traveler from NW Ohio asks:
When does 1 + 1 not equal 2?

For very large values of 1.

Poosh from Britain writes:
It has been almost a year since that first ninja followed me home from school. I came to you for help and you told me to fight the ninja. That made things worse. You then told me to use ninja sprays. That made things worse. You then told me to use vegetarians against the mutant plants that took over my house as result from listening to your advice. That made things worse.
You see, using the internet I claimed I was holding a book club for vegetarians only. Sure enough no less than twenty vegetarians appeared at the set date and proceeded to cut and boil the legions of mutant flowers. I shouted “victory is in the hands of me – Poosh!” and proceeded to kick the vegetarians out of my house shouting “if you’re so concerned about the environment then STOP EATING IT.” I was ecstatic and set about a Ł20 note and some liquid silver as a thankyou present for you (Frank J). But before I knew it there was a tiny earthquake and thunderbolts and lighting; it was all very frightening. Then I was surrounded by coloUrs of all kinds and a being of great power appeared from nowhere and said “oh foolish Poosh, you have upset the balance of power! With the plant mutants gone the ninja hoards of Gothamorgmas will rise up and crush the British government and the official opposition leaving the Liberals as the only party of plausible governance!” NOOOO I screamed! “For know this Poosh, fate had no part in your inability to read the label on the ninja spray – it was the will of…” and then the great being of power vanished and all the coloUrs vanished. I realised a great quest had been handed to me. In listening to your advice I had destroyed the plant mutants whose ultimate purpose was to destroy the ninja hoards of Gothamorgmas thus restoring the balance of power – thus it is left to me to take on the ninja hoards and repair the damage that your advice had given rise to. But as I descended the stairs for a cup of tea I tripped, hitting my head against the cat. I’ve been in a coma for almost a year and have only recently awoken.
So Frank J! What should I do? What advice have you to offer me? I have an air-rifle and British grit as my quest items and British sarcasm is deadly in the right hands! Do you think The Limey is behind Gothamorgmas? What words of wisdom can you offer me?

The advice you gave me:
3 http://www.imao.us/archives/000760.html#000760
2 http://www.imao.us/archives/000693.html#000693
1 http://www.imao.us/archives/000646.html#000646

PS: Have we liberated Iraq yet or did the peaceniks get their way?

Poosh, Poosh, Poosh... if only you were better at following my advice this would never happen. Yes, it's possible The Limey is supporting the ninjas as he likes all terrorist group, and no terrorist group is older than the ninjas. You could attack The Limey - which would be easier - but the ninjas would still run wild. Thus, I will give you advice on ninja fighting:

* If they kick high, duck.
* If they kick low, jump.
* If they kick middle, you're screwed. Tell them not to quick middle.
* If they throw a star at you, don't try and catch it because it's sharp. Just get out of the way.
* If they swing a sword at you, don't let it hit you... it could be dirty and give you an infection.
* If a ninja offers you candy, don't take it.
* You must fight back with fists of fury and feet of irateness.
* Don't shoot them with an air rifle - that will just make them angry.
* So will British sarcasm.

If you follow that advice, you will defeat all the ninjas. If you don't defeat all the ninjas, then you're a bad listener.

And we did liberate Iraq, much to the anger of the peaceniks who gnash their teeth and stomp their feet as the Iraqis get democracy.


Sean from Houston, TX writes:
I have a science question for you. I have heard that one the dangers of space flight limiting the exploration of the galaxy is the random patches of high energy radiation flying around that would kill a human and would be difficult to block since a few meters of iron shielding would be difficult to get around. What is the answer to this problem?

Stay out of space.


Sean from Houston, TX also writes:
Public key encryption has revolutionized internet security, but how safe is the info protected by it since the prime numbers that require factorization to beat them can be cracked by super computers in a matter of decades? Hello! Does anybody see a problem with this. People will be able to read in private emails about my cartoon watching habits with relative impunity in 15 years.

Woo hoo! A cryptography question. Actually, the length of time your data is the secure is based on a number of factors. As we all know, public/private key encryption is made by taking two very large prime numbers and multiplying them together. How large are these primes? Take a large prime like 7919. That's nothing to these huge primes! That's just a germ! These primes are so big that, if you saw one, you'd be like, "Hot damn! That prime is huge!" And the larger the primes, the safer the data. By using larger primes, you can keep your data safer than 15 years... by current techniques. The idea is that factoring a number made by the product of two large primes is intractable (that's cryptography talk for "We're pretty sure they can't do that."). But, if some math-mo-tician comes up when some super new prime factoring method, then all private/public key encryption is worthless.

And private/public key encryption is hard to do, so it's never used to encrypt data. Usually, it encrypts the key for regular shared-key encryption such as triple-DES or the funky new kid in town, Rijindael (AES). Now, while you need like thousands of bits long key for private/public key encryption to keep your data safe, a 128-bit shared key encryption would take like 8 quintillion years to decrypt now using a supercomputer. So does that mean you data is safe for that long?

No!

Because of Moore's Law (processing power doubling every one and a half years), your data is only safe for like sixty years. So what can you do if you don't want future archeologists from decrypting your data when they remove it from your tomb ten thousand years from now? One recommendation is to always use a hex key of all F's; that way, if someone tries to brute force your encryption (try every key) yours will be the last one they try.

Then again, if quantum computers work, people will be able to try all keys at the same time, and no key size will keep you safe. In the end, the best way to keep your data safe is to put it in a sock and hide it behind your couch.


Pumpk!nHead in Knoxville,TN
My son is almost 4. He is a very intelligent little boy. He can count to 100 and to 20 in Spanish. He is already reading some words. My problem is he has a bad Southern accent. How do I get rid of the accent? He sounds like a moron.

Now, I don't have kids... or can even stand the sight of them, but I always wiling to give advice on child rearing. I'd say hit him each time he sounds dumb. Then he'll learn not to sound dumb or to not talk at all. It's all good.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Frank Answers
March 10, 2004
With a VP Like This, You Don't Even Need IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 01:48 PM | Email This

Cheney funny.

(Thanks to Orion for pointing me to this.)

Rating: 1.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (20)
T-Shirts T-Shirts T-Shirts
Posted by Frank J. at 10:29 AM | Email This

Due to its popularity, there has been a reprint of the Know Thy Enemy: Terrorist t-shirt. All sizes are back in stock.

Also, I'm currently working on more t-shirts in the Know Thy Enemy™ series. What will be the subjects? You'll have to wait and find out.

Right Wing Stuff is trying out advertising on IMAO for a week. Go and click on their ad and check them out to show them that advertising on IMAO is a good idea. Do it now or I'll have Chomps get hit by a car and die. I really will!

Rating: 3.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (25)
In My World: The Kerry Caper
Posted by Frank J. at 07:26 AM | Email This

"It is time to plan our attack," Karl Rove announced, the room darkening with his presence, "A positive ad campaign will not win this election alone; Kerry must be destroyed from the inside... so speak the elders."

"I tire of this voting crap," Rumsfeld exclaimed, "back in my day, the president was decided by a battle to the death. Why, the battle between Van Buren and Harrison was so fierce, that Harrison died a month after inauguration from his wounds. Now that's democracy in action!"

"Maybe we can ask to substitute one of the debates with a death match," Cheney suggested.

"I don't know if this death match idea is a good one," Bush said, "someone might get hurt."

"Nancy-boy!" Rumsfeld shouted, and slapped Bush across the head.

"We must not put the president at risk of injury if we are to succeed," Rove said, "What we need is to find out is what Kerry’s campaign plans are."

"A break-in of Kerry's campaign headquarters; that's a great idea!" Bush exclaimed, "Nothing could go wrong with that!" Bush then ran off.

Cheney opened up a newspaper and started reading. "When you are done with job ads, pass it over here," Rumsfeld told him.

* * * *

"I don't know about a break-in," Scott McClellan said, "Didn't that get one president in trouble?"

"Because he got caught," Bush answered as he pried open a ventilation duct at the roof of Kerry's headquarters. "Presidents break into places all the time. Once, Carter broke into my ranch in Crawford, Texas, and ate my turkey leftovers. Breaking in to places is all a part of being president since we become mad with power... mad I tell you! Completely and utterly mad!" Bush then giggled to himself as he crawled into the ventilation system, Scott slowly following.

Soon they were inside and could spot massive creatures lumbering through the hallway below them. "What are they?" Scott asked.

"Cave trolls," Bush answered, "or maybe teamsters. Either way, if they find us, they'll crush us and eat our bones. Now let's get down there. Remember to kill quickly and quietly."

"You never said anything about killing," Scott protested, but was then pulled from the ventilation into the hallway. They crept silently until they found a large room to enter. In a strange chair at center, they found John Kerry lying asleep.

"This must be where they inject him with Botox," Bush said as he looked at all the needles. "Luckily I keep extract of poison ivy on me," Bush laughed as he replaced the Botox.

"Let's get out of here," Scott urged, "Kerry and is French-lookingness creep me out.

"Okay," Bush said, as they quickly made their way into a backroom. At center was a file cabinet labeled, "John Kerry's Secret Campaign Plans - Don't Let Republicans See".

"I think this is what we want," Bush said as he opened the cabinet and pulled out a sealed envelope. He then put that away in his backpack.

"Who’s in there!" yelled a security guard.

Bush quickly grabbed Scott and put a gun to his head. "Nobody move or tubby here gets it!" Bush shouted.

"Don't do it!" the guard yelled, "Killing that doughy man is not worth it!"

Kerry then ran in the room, his face swollen and red. "It's Bush! Kill him!"

"Time for plan B," Bush said.

"What's plan B?" Scott asked.

Bush threw down a smoke grenade, and soon the whole room was clouded. When the smoke dispersed, Bush was gone, but Scott still stood there. "Why didn't anyone tell me about plan B?" Cave troll/teamsters advanced on him. "Eep."

* * * *

"Were you involved in a break-in at the Kerry headquarters and then beaten within an inch of your life by teamsters?" asked a reporter.

"That's crazy talk," Scott answered.

"Then why are you currently in a full body cast propped up by a stick?"

"Can we keep the question about the White House and its policies?" Scott urged.

"Was Bush responsible for the reason Kerry's face is now bloated and red?" asked another reporter.

"That's just the liberal Kerry trying to emulate his liberal hero Ted Kennedy," Scott answered. He then glanced down at his talking points which said, "When talking about Kerry, mention 'liberal' at least three (3) times.' He then added, "How liberal of him... meaning Kerry."

"Our viewers hate Kerry and don't want to hear about him," Fox News reporter Melinda Hawkish said, "What we care about is whether this reelection campaign will distract from killing terrorists."

"I assure you that terrorists are dying as we speak," Scott said.

"Can we get graphic pictures of such, including blood coming out of their ears?" Melinda asked, "We need for our new Fox special 'When America Attacks'."

"Sure, whatever," Scott answered.

"There are reports that Bush has John Kerry's secret campaign plans," said another reporter, "Any truth to that?"

"That completely, utterly ludicr..." The stick broke, and Scott toppled over the podium. "Can someone help me?" he cried. Chomps then ran over, grabbed him, and started shaking him. "Ahh! News conference is over!"

* * * *

"Where's your dog," Bush asked Rumsfeld.

"I don't know," Rumsfeld answered, "I don’t ask him what he does, he doesn’t ask me what I do."

"So what's in those secret plans you got?" Cheney asked Bush.

Bush ripped opened the manila envelope and pulled out the memo. He then began to read it out loud. "The secret plans for the John Kerry campaign is to repeat over and over and over and over that he served in Vietnam." Bush put down the memo and rubbed his hands together evilly. "Now that we know his plans, he's as good as not elected!"

Cheney rolled his eyes and then took out his cell phone. "Halliburton? This is Cheney. Time for operation codename Frame John Kerry with a Dead Hooker... No, I don't come up with the codenames."

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (112) | In My World
March 09, 2004
A Real Marine Answer
Posted by Frank J. at 02:57 PM | Email This

I meant to inlcude this in my Bite-Sized Wisdom when a reader alerted me to it, but I forgot. Anyway, Best of the Web picked up on it. Check for the item under the heading "Great Moments in Wartime Journalism".

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (60)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Me Busy (Again), Hillary, Bill, Martha Stewart, Wallet Gun, a Frank Confession, and a Blogger Needs Our Help
Posted by Frank J. at 07:12 AM | Email This

* I got a busy week, so I'm not going to be able to spoil you like last week with all my regular posting plus The Limey. I know, you don't care. You're saying, "You're our clown here to amuse us. Now dance for us! Dance! Ha ha ha!" Well, as John F'n Kerry would say, I served in Vietnam.

* There are some suggestions that Hillary Clinton could be John Kerry's running mate. That would be historical for a number of reasons if Kerry gets elected. First, she'd be the first ever female vice president and second Kerry would then break the record set by William Henry Harrison for shortest term in office by "mysteriously" dying within an hour of being inaugurated.

* There are also some people reading the Constitution and disputing what the meaning of "is" is and saying that Bill Clinton could run for Vice President. This would seem to serve no purpose, though, than to make me go on a murder spree. Why do people want me to go on a murder spree?

* I never had much of an opinion on this whole Martha Stewart case, but it seems to me she had a bum rap. What was she convicted for? Lying to federal officials? Who doesn't do that? Once, I said to a cop, "Nice day, officer."

Total BS. The day was crummy.

So what? You going to put me in prison now? Still, Martha Stewart in prison could be cool for some. They'd register their car and get their license plates and remarked, "Wow, someone really put some work into this one. They did so much with just indented print and a little paint. It's a good thing."

I wonder how much you could get for an authentic Martha Stewart license plate on Ebay? Can you sell license plates on Ebay? Ahh, screw Ebay; they won't even let you sell guns.

* Iraq now has a constitution. All they need now is strength, dexterity, intelligence, wisdom, and charisma and they'll be ready to go.

* Did I just make a Dungeon & Dragons role playing joke? Bad geek Frank! I stab you and you die now!

* I had mentioned the idea of a wallet gun before, and even people in my college gun club thought that was dumb. Still, in the latest issue of Gun Tests magazine they gave a good review to a $345 Kel-Tec P3AT .380 (made just north of me in Cocoa, Florida) that fits in your back pocket. They also recommend a $35 pocket holster for it that gives it the profile of a wallet. Then, if someone asks for your money, you can go like your reaching for you wallet, but instead pull out your .380 and shoot the guy - which works great if you're being mugged but not so good if your supposed to be paying for a Slurpee. The only problem with that is where would I put my actual wallet? Oh! I could buy one of those fanny pack holsters and put it in there along with another gun. Now all I'll need is to get a second .45 to replace my PPK and I'll be set. I'll have my primary gun, my secondary (sinister) gun (the second .45), a backup gun (maybe a .38 special that goes in the fanny pack), and a surprise gun for when a gun is already on me (the wallet gun). That would be so cool! Now all I need to do is move to a place with more crime. I hear Cocoa is pretty bad.

* I have a confession to make: I like Chunky Monkey ice cream. Yes, I like an ice cream with "monkey" in the title that is made by Vermont hippies. It's just it's such creamy, yummy banana ice cream with big chunks of chocolate and walnut. I guess the only compensation is that Ben & Jerry's ice cream is too expensive for poor people to buy, who'll have to settle with the supermarket brand ice cream like starving people in Ethiopia. Anyway, I hope you all still respect me as a blogger; I just had to get that off my chest.

* Finally, and most importantly, I'd like to say that the blogosphere is more that just news commentary, made up stories about an angry dog, and telling completely true lies about the blending of puppies; I like to think we're a community too. Right now, one of us needs help. Serenity had broken her ankle and needs surgery. She has a lot of bills, and she won't be able to have any income for two months as she recovers. She has some veteran benefits, but that won't cover everything. Serenity was instrumental in getting Front Line Voices up and keeping it running, putting a lot of time into that, and she means a lot to me at least. If you have anything to spare, please go to Serenity's site and give her a little help during her down time. It's the American way to help out each other (and I consider all my readers American... even the Canadians). In the least, go wish her well.

Oh, and if you're Whitler, finish your damn essay because it would make her happy.

Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (45) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
March 08, 2004
Frank Suggestions for a Running Mate for John F'n Kerry
Posted by Frank J. at 07:17 AM | Email This

Since most likely Democratic strategists read IMAO as do all smart important people, I thought I might throw them a bone and help them find a running mate for their haughty, French-looking candidate. Lot's of people are suggesting John Edwards, Democrat governers, and other boring, predictable suggestions. If Democrats want to really energize their base and get young people like me out to vote who consider the ten minutes voitng much better spent playing vidoegames and eating nachos (my age group is dumb; want to fight about it?), they need someone dynamic who doesn't fit the usual mold. Here are my suggestions:

Jo-Jo the Democrat Monkey
Occupation: Monkey/Massachusetts State Senator
Pros: Really connects with the average Democrat voter by having the same intelligence.
Cons: Extremely liberal voting record. Bites.

Mysterio the Masked Democrat
Occupation: Unknown
Pros: An unnamed Democrat usually does better in the polls than a specific one, so why not have an unnamed Democrat on the ticket. Is he a moderate or a liberal? He's whatever you want him to be.
Cons: Probably Bill Clinton trying to sneak into office again.

Ninja X
Occupation: Ninja
Pros: Ninja flips and rolls make it hard for Republicans to attack him.
Cons: Due to ninja stealth, he has low voter visibility.

A Kitten
Occupation: Cute Furry Thing
Pros: Everybody likes kittens.
Cons: I don't. What's with those freaky slit eyes?

Hitler
Occupation: Genocidal Dictator
Pros: People keep comparing Bush to Hitler; well, let's see how he stands up to the real deal.
Cons: He's Hitler.

Satan
Occupation: Fallen Angel/Lobbyist for Evil
Pros: Why go for a watered down Satan like Hillary when you can have the real deal?
Cons: Will probably isolate the religious from the Democrats more so than usual. He's also a registered Independent.

Megatron
Occupation: Robot in Disguise
Pros: Hard to accuse giant, megalomaniacal robot of not being tough enough to fight the war on terror. Won't scare off anti-gun-control blue collar Democrats since he can show his own support of guns by transforming into one.
Cons: How does he shrink when he turns into a gun? That doesn't make any sense.

A Wooden Post
Occupation: Wooden Post
Pros: Lack of voting record makes attacks by Republicans hard.
Cons: Too reminiscent of Al Gore.

Michael Moore
Occupation: Fat, Smelly, Obnoxious Man
Pros: Wacky liberals seem to like him instead of being made nauseous at the sight of him. Hard to imagine but true.
Cons: To keep him happy, most of campaign budget will have to be spent on fried cheese.

Saddam Hussein
Occupation: P.O.W.
Pros: Favorite of the anti-war crowd.
Cons: Might go on murdering spree... but you can say that about anyone.

Sauron
Occupation: Evil Fiery Eye
Pros: Will ensure orc, goblin, and hippy vote.
Cons: Though an all seeing eye, by staying up upon a tower he has the reputation of being aloof much like John Kerry.

An M-16 with Grenade Launcher
Occupation: Assault Weapon
Pros: When it comes time for John Kerry to announce his running mate, he could say, "I liked to introduce my choice of running mate." He could then pull out the M-16 and shout, "SAY HELLO TO MY LEETLE FRIEND!!!" and that would be so cool!
Cons: Not really much to this one other than the intro… but it would be so cool!

Come up with your own suggestions in the comments section... and no arguing!

Rating: 4.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (63)
March 07, 2004
Blogger Taxation
Posted by Frank J. at 07:20 PM | Email This

Well, I did my taxes, and I declared all my income from my website, including donations, t-shirt sales, and ad revenue minus hosting costs, domain registrations costs, part of my cable modem cost, and part of this laptop I'm currently typing on. Ended up costing me about a hundred bucks in taxes and another ninety or so for having H&R Block do a Form C for me.

Anyone else know how other bloggers are handling blog income? I don't think Amazon or Paypal reports to the IRS, so it would be pretty easy to get away with not mentioning your donations (but nothing is more wrong than tricking the IRS).

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (31)
March 05, 2004
Fishy Fridays
Posted by Frank J. at 04:01 PM | Email This

I was going through the drive-thru at McDonalds and about to order a double-quarter pounder with cheese meal for lunch, when I noticed the big ad for the filet of fish meal as was like, "Oh yeah. It's Friday, and I'm Catholic." So I ordered the filet of fish, but I really wanted a double quarter pounder with cheese. Still, Jesus died for my sins so the least I can do is choke down a fish sadwich.

Man, and what am I going to have for dinner? Guess it's Mac & Cheese. I better get some recompensation for this in the afterlife.

Rating: 3.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (46)
The Limey - Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Posted by Frank J. at 10:38 AM | Email This

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder

* * * *

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. All swear words that are a noun have been replaced with "ronin". Mean actions about my mom have been replaced with "a hug". "S**ting himself" has been replaced with "doing jumping jacks". The lyrics of the Rage Against the Machine song have been edited to make them happy.

As we come back to The Limey, he has been thwarted once again in piercing the ignorance of American Frank, so he scrambles to make one last try - his final letter - to enrage and belittle the ignorant backwoodsman:

Hello redneck! Can't say I've missed you. So you went shooting did you? I went shooting on monday night - shooting footballs passed my mates in a game of football (or soccer) as you americans call it. No other country apart from Canada calls it soccer, the french call it football, the germans call it football , the cameroons. Oh sorry I mentioned Cameroon - the people that live there are black so I suppose you hate them! In your bigoted mind, If they're not Stars and Stripes waving protestant whiteboy lunatics then they all need shooting don't they! Football or soccer as you rednecks call it is a better sport than your soft American Football - American Footballers - if they're so tought then why don they need all that protection when they're on the field? Soft bastards! Football is the greatest sport in the world. 1966 - Who will ever forget that year? Sir Geoff Hurst - legend! I was extremely happy during France '98 when Iran beat America - and it happened in France! PERFECT!

Grimsby - ah - you demonstrated your ignorance not me! You shoot yourself in the foot everytime you type on your computer! I suppose it's instinctive for rednecks to be stupid! Just for the record Grimsby is a town on the east coast of England. Grimsby Town FC - they're not a particularly good football team but they're better than all your American Football Teams!

What's with your fascination with the man upstairs? Protestants can be as crazy as Mormons! I bet you go on holiday to Utah and Oregon! There's a lot of religious idiots there. A guy can't even kiss a girl till he's about 21. Can't drink. Can only breathe at certain times in the day, redneck. They're as crazy as you!

So your fascist Father fought in Vietnam? I hope he got wounded! I hope he dies sooner rather than later! Redneck Bush didn't fight in Vietnam though - he was doing jumping jacks back in America and then he tried to make out that he took part! I'm sure John Kerry (even though he's a fascist as well) will use that against Bush again before Bush's humiliating defeat in November!

Religion = Mad.

So you want Tony Blair killed? So do I! But that proves how stupid you right-wingers really are. You hate the left but you also want to kill the people with the same views as your own! I think you should know that Tony Blair is extremely right-wing, just like Thatcher was. Let me give you some information on what that ronin has done since he became PM in 1997...

Banned various socialists from standing in the Labour Party - this is the party that was built on socialist principles,
sacked George Galloway for opposing the war,
sacked Ken Livingstone,
praised Thatcher,
invested a billion pounds of the tax payers money into the Millenium Dome
project in London,
bombed Yugoslavia in 1999,
bombed Afghanistan in 2001,
raped George W. Bush several times,
bombed Iraq in 2003,
proposed the introduction of ID cards in Britain,
increased council tax,
crushed asylum seekers by reducing their rights,
privatised approximately 20% of the National Health Service,
introduced tuition fees despite promising not to introduce them in the Labour Party's 2001 General Election Manifesto,
what will this ronin do next?

the list goes on. Very right-wing ideas from Tony Blair and you want to kill him! GO FOR IT! You right-wingers can kill each other for all I care!

You really are STUPID!

Fascist McFascist - he doesn't exist. The sooner you come to terms with that the better! And the sooner you go to Harvard and learn about history, geography and politics the better. There's lots of liberals at Harvard - real Americans - Americans with brains. I hope you grow up and realise how stupid you are! After going to Harvard I recommend a psychiatrist!!!!!

Anyway ronin I'll let you go now. I think your redneck mum wants you to give her a hug! Hows your grandmother who's also your second cousin, how is she?

And I'm blocking your email address. You will not be able to contact me. I am tired of your ignorance - it will be defeated just like the monarchy in Nepal will be overthrown by Maoist rebels and just like the Spanish Conservative Party will be defeated by the socialist terrorist group known as ETA!

Here's some more lyrics from Rage Against the Machine. The song "Bullet in the head" is about propaganda - how people actually belive the shit that the news and the government dictate to you. You're one of those dumb ronins that believe everything that comes out of Wolfowitz', Powell's, Rumsfeld's, Cheney's and Bush's mouths! The song is from their first album in 1992.

www.stormpages.com/sanka197/Bulletinthehead.html

Here's an extract...

Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya,
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya,
They say jump and ya say how high,
YOU'RE WELL FED,
SAY HI TO MY NEIGHBOR FRED!

I HOPE YOU HAVE A VERY BAD LIFE YOU RONIN! IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU DIED ON HOLIDAY FROM AN ETA BOMB!

What came American Frank do now? He must be driven to a full rage at this point! And now, the simple backwoodsman responds in one final plea...

I'm starting to think you're a mean person, limey. First you put out lies that American men actually participate in the women's sport known in the civilized world as soccer, say all these means things about Tony Blair who I don't want to be killed, you say Facist McFacist doesn't exist (he did!), and then I think you were insulting my parents. Then there is your encouragement of terrorism like that Estimated Time of Arrival group you mention. Murder is bad, limey, even if music bands you like say it's okay. Music isn't always true. Like, the song "Istanbul is not Constantinople" was true, but not all songs are.

Still, Jesus loves you, limey (even if he wouldn't get your joke about Grimsby either), so I should give you another chance. I, an ignorant, redneck backwoodsman, have so much to learn from a worldly limey like you, but I have a few recommendations:

* Stop listening to that Rage Against the Machine music. I'm pretty sure they're bad people and giving you bad ideas. Try listening to some other music like that Britney Spears and mindlessly follow her radical political beliefs instead.

* Don't support terrorists. Killing is wrong... unless it's done by the American military. You tell those terrorist to behave themselves before the American military cruise missiles make them behave… behave dead, that is.

* Anyone can look bad if you just list the bad things that they've done; try also thinking about the good things Tony Blair has accomplished. He saved a kitty from a tree, kung fu fought ninjas attacking an orphanage, and then used his magical British powers to save the Rats of Nimh.

* There aren't American at Harvard who support killing and terrorism. If there were, I'd have traveled from my backwoods home and gutted them in my simple redneck ways. Look for better role models like that nice Donald Rumsfeld.

* Realize that not every other person in the world is a fascist. If someone has a different viewpoint, that doesn't make him evil... just sane.

* Don't just pretend to swallow the pills the doctor gives you; they're for your own betterment.

I hope you take my recommendations to heart and keep e-mailing me, limey. You, the smart limey, and me, the ignorant American, have so much to learn from each other. To that end, I've written you a song... one even better than those people who don't like the machine would write:

I have a Brit who is my friend.
We'll be bestest buds until the end.
He always writes back so I know he cares.
I just hope he don't murder Tony Blair.

He's the limey! (yeah yeah)

He's the limey! (yeah yeah)

He's the limey, and he's alright.

Now this little Brit can be mean,
And in every e-mail he mention "Rage Against the Machine",
But he's still my friend because he's funny and cool.
I just hope he's doesn't short-circuit his keyboard with his drool.

He's the limey! (yeah yeah)

He's the limey! (yeah yeah)

He's the limey, and he's alright.

(drum solo)

What's an American to do without a limey to show him the way?
His world will be dark, and he'll have nothing to say.
He'll just have to try and be happy with his riches and military might.
But without the limey around, IT WILL NEVER SEEM RIGHT!!
YEAAAAH!!!

(guitar solo)

HE'S MY LIMEY! (yeah yeah)

HE'S MY LIMEY! (yeah yeah)

And the world won't turn without him around.

They say there is a little limey in us all,
But we lose each time we go to the bathroom stall.
Whoever mothered this limey I'd like to thank her,
Though to him, himself, I have just one thing to say...

WANKER!

You're Friend,
American Frank

If you would like to continue to see future episode of The Limey, please e-mail Tony Pentin (tonypentin83@hotmail.com) to express how much you have enjoyed his letters and would like him to continue. Perhaps if he gets enough e-mails, he'll reconsider and keep on entertaining us all.

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (154) | I Hate Frank
In My World: Peacekeeping Is Boring
Posted by Frank J. at 10:00 AM | Email This

"I'm President Bush, and I approve this message I'm now saying," President Bush said. "People say mean things about me, but they aren't true as I am a good person. Look as I pet this puppy."

"That's a porcupine!" shouted a voice off-screen.

"(bleep)ing (bleep)!" Bush shouted as the screen faded to a black with the words "Re-Elect George W. Bush."

Bush turned off the T.V. "We're thinking of doing a retake on that one," Bush explained to Laura as he rubbed his bandaged hand.

"All these commercials are nice, dear," Laura said, "but are you also handling the other problems out there like the trouble in Haiti?"

"I don't have to worry about that," Bush answered, "I got Secretary of Defense Elaine Chao on top of that one."

"Elaine Chao isn't your Secretary of Defense," Laura told him.

"Well, whoever is Secretary of Defense knows who he or she is and what he or she should be doing," Bush said defensively, "Anyway, we have Marines in Haiti; they'll know what they're supposed to do."

* * * *

"What are we supposed to do, Buck?"

"I dunno, Gomez," Buck the Marine answered, "You know what we're supposed to be doing, Johnson?"

"Hell, I don't know."

"I guess I'll ask our commanding officer," Buck said as he took out his radio. "Commanding officer, what are we supposed to be doing, sir?"

"Your supposed to stop people from rebelling," answered their commanding officer.

"By kill'n them, sir?" Buck asked hopefully.

"By looking scary," said the commanding officer, "Oh, and guard that box."

Buck looked at the crate the three of them were standing around. "We're supposed to look scary and guard this box."

"But I want to kill someone," Johnson said.

"We all do," Buck answered, "but we have our orders."

Suddenly a number of Haitians ran out into the street firing guns into the air. "Hey! Look at me! I'm scary!" Buck yelled out while looking scary, "Now stop that!"

The Haitians stopped firing their guns and sulked off.

"This is boring," Gomez said.

Soon some people approached them. "I'm Lefty Stevens for CNN," said one man followed by a cameraman, "and I heard that you Marines led Aristide away by gunpoint."

"If I had pointed by gun at anyone, they wouldn't be walking much longer," Buck assured him.

"I'm a black man from the Black Caucus," said a black man from the Black Caucus, "and being that their are black people in this country, I am sure that racist things are going on!"

"Well, I haven't been racist to nobody," Buck said, "How about you, Gomez and Johnson."

"I ain't been racist."

"I just like shooting people."

"We're Marines," Buck explained, "We only judge people by whether they're American of foreign... and, if they are foreign, we don't judge them long cause they dead."

"Ooh-rah!" the three shouted.

"I'll get to the bottom of this!" Lefty swore, "So what's in that box near you labeled 'Aristide'?"

Buck shrugged his shoulders. "MRE's?"

"Help me! I'm in a box!" yelled the box.

"As a black man from the Black Caucus," said the black man from the Black Caucus, "I'm going to keep my eyes on all you!" He and the news crew then left.

Melinda Hawkish of Fox News then arrived with her cameraman. "Okay, we're filming, Buck. Start killing people."

"We ain't supposed to kill nobody," Buck answered.

"But that's boring!" Melinda complained, "How am I supposed to make a story about American heroism if you don't kill people?"

"Hey, we're more upset than you," Gomez said.

A pickup truck then drove up. Out of it stepped Donald Rumsfeld. "I'm here for the box."

"Please let me out!" cried the box.

Chomps ran at the box, seized in his mouth, and shook it angrily.

"Bad dog!" Rumsfeld yelled, "Be careful with that. I might want to use the box for putting other stuff in later." Rumsfeld then picked up the crate and threw it in the back of the pickup.

"So what is in that box?" Melinda Hawkish asked as she pointed her microphone at Rumsfeld.

"Reporters," Rumsfeld grumbled. "Hey, I'm too important to be keeping track of what's in every box in the world." He then looked to the Marines. "Shouldn't you be killing people?"

"We're just supposed to look scary," Buck answered.

"People were scarier looking in my day," Rumsfeld mumbled as he got back in his truck and drove away.

"I guess nothing to see here," Melinda said as she walked off.

"Now what do we do?" Johnson asked, "Our box is gone."

"I'll ask our commanding officer," Buck said as he took out his radio. "The Secretary of Defense came and took the box. What do we do now, commanding officer, sir."

"I guess that's mission accomplished, Buck. Go have some beers."

"Mission accomplished and we're supposed to have beers," Buck told the other two and then added after a few moments thought, "Ooh-rah!"

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (23) | In My World
March 04, 2004
Preview for the Next Episode of... The Limey!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:42 PM | Email This

The Limey has responded back with full limey rage in his longest letter yet, and now threatens to block all future e-mails from American Frank. Is this the end for The Limey? Tune in tomorrow to find out.

UPDATE: Here's a preview of his e-mail:

Fascist McFascist - he doesn't exist. The sooner you come to terms with that the better!

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (74)
Salute to John Kerry
Posted by Frank J. at 08:11 AM | Email This

I just realized I never congratulated Kerry for sealing up the Democrat nomination for president, so here it goes:

Welcome to the jungle, baby... NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!

I'll have to make a list of possible running mates for him. Maybe next week because I have an In My World™ idea about current events for tomorrow (don't expect it early in the morning, 'cause I'm sleeping in).

Later foo's.

Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Frank Answers: Free Oil for Troops, Killing The Limey, the Letters 'I', 'M', 'A', and 'O', Big Shirts, and the Morality of Downloading Music
Posted by Frank J. at 06:55 AM | Email This

Martin writes:
I am a National Guardsman currently serving in the Middle East with Operation Iraqi Freedom. Once I get back to the US, don't you think I should be entitled to pump as much free gas into my huge SUV as I want? After all, I helped steal Iraqi oil, am I not entitled to my cut?

A National Guardsman serving overseas? I thought only rich people joined the National Guard to avoid service?

I think all our troops deserve as much free gas as you want for helping steal that oil, but I don't set public policy; I only gripe about it. So everyone call your congressman or woman and say Martin should get free gas or threaten not to vote for him or her. Congress people hate not getting voted for.


Poosh from England writes:
Dear Frank, I am quite frankly disturbed by Tony Pentin's tone. His hate mail directed at you has aggravated me greatly. You see, I too am an Englishman and I can't stand the thought of a retarded jelly-moose like Tony living on my Island. So, I ask you, Frank - how do you want me to destroy him? Be warned though, guns are illegal in England so I can't shoot him. Well, I could with a cross-bow I suppose.

Hey Poosh! How are the ninjas?

Anyway, as long as I find The Limey entertaining, let's not kill him. Inevitably, I'll tire of him or he'll stop responding, and thus he'll need to be eliminated. If you don't have a gun (poor Poosh), you could always do things the Rumsfeld way and strangle him. Or you could poison his tea just before teatime. Or you could stage him to be the victim as a soccer riot. There are lots of way to kill people in England; you just have to be creative.


Dan from Auburn, AL writes:
What does the 'A' in 'IMAO' stand for?

Let's make a deal; I'll tell you what the ‘A’ stands for, but you have to tell me what the 'I', 'M', and 'O' stand for because I'm really curious.


Wacky Hermit from Undisclosed Mountain State,
Now that you're sold out of 2XL IMAO t-shirts, will there be a size large enough for Michael Moore to wear when he comes crawling back to you repenting of his evil ways?

Actually, since Doug the t-shirt guy forgot to list them for a month or so, there should be a decent number of 3XL left. So, if you got a lot of t-shirt to fill, or you're really small and want your own IMAO tent, buy a 3XL.


George S. at 16 floors above street level, Central Texas writes:
I understand downloading copyrighted music from the Internet is illegal, but is it immoral? If immoral, is it a venial sin or a mortal sin? Isn't downloadable music really a public good, as my enjoyment of it does not lessen another person's enjoyment of it and it is cost prohibitive to prevent folks from downloading music? I've got to go to confession soon, so I need to know whether this is a sin or not.

I find the best way to deal with moral issues is to not think about them; then you don't have to worry about guilt or nothing.

Now quiet; Metallica has just started up on my playlist.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Frank Answers
March 03, 2004
The Limey - Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Posted by Frank J. at 12:21 PM | Email This

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter

* * * *

Note: To go with broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all vulgarity has been dubbed over. f'ing has been replaced with "fantabulous" when it's and adjective and "not at all" when it's an adverb. The s-word has been replaced with "wisdom". Finally, the p-word (rhymes with "stick") has been replaced with "doo-doo head".

In this episode, The Limey has failed now three times to enrage the ignorant backwoodsman, American Frank. Brimming with rage himself, The Limey now ups his ante even further in an attempt to anger his nemesis and prove him a fool. Bile in his throat, The Limey hastily taps at his keyboard his latest and most vile screed:

You really are starting to sound like a broken record, little man. Limey, limey, limey at the end of every fantabulous sentence, bomb, bomb, bomb, France, France, France - give it a fantabulous rest you bigotted nutcase! YOU PERSONALLY will never be the President - at least that's something. I know this upsets you.

Your sarcasm is terrible by the way. London - bit of a stereotype when you Americans think of England and that's the city that you chose to say I'm from. Nothing's changed there then. And I'm not from London. Or should that be LONDON, ENGLAND. Your filmakers always have to point out the country that the city is in don't they! Like Venice, ITALY and Moscow, RUSSIA. Edinburgh, SCOTLAND. And you know why? BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS ARE IGNORANT BASTARDS!

Seeing as you want to talk about history here's one of those classic September 11th jokes for you...

Rudy Guiliani and George W. Bush are standing at ground zero after the towers had come down. A man from Grimsby walks over to them.
"Terrible this isn't it!" says the man.
"Yeah, tell me...I don't recognise your accent, son, you're definitely not from Texas. Where are you from?" asks redneck George.
"Ah, Grimsby."
"Grimsby?! I never heard of that. What state's that in?" asks the backwoodsman.
'Same state as this!"

Did that hit a nerve? Well, one things for certain those towers certainly got hit!BOOOOOOM!

So did your soldiers in 1970's Vietnam. You remember Vietnam? That war where you got hammered?

Hopefully sooner rather than later ETA (left-wing terrorist group in Spain that have been battling for independence since the days of your mate, Franco) will murder the Spanish Conservative government, and the IRA (another left-wing terrorist group) will butcher Blair and the Armed Revolutionary Forces of Colombia (FARC) - a socialist terrorist group will overthrow the fascist regime in Colombia and install democracy!!!!!

Great to see left-wing terrorists murdering right-wing politicians! Brilliant! We're fighting....and we'll win!

LOL!

You also mentioned or should that be dictated that you don't look at maps much...oh I'd never of known that would I? You're completely ignorant.

I see you looked up the word "Parody" in the dictionary - hope it was an Oxford Concise Dictionary - you know Oxford in south England - that city where that doo-doo head Clinton was educated!

I didn't bother looking at your fascist links to werismyki and jabberwocky. Your latest email was enough fascism for a lifetime!

All four members of Rage Against the Machine are from America - that country that you're from. So I don't know how you can say that it's foreigners who have the problem with America, when these men represented the views of most Americans. But you're completely not at all stupid so I guess that's why you say that usual wisdom!

Did you like my September 11th joke? The whole world did!

Now we go the backwoods abode of American Frank, as he receives the e-mail through his crude RJ-45 cable made of twine. Seeing himself insulted so and the belittling of terrorist attacks on his country, will this simple creature be able to respond with nothing but unbridled rage? Will The Limey finally succeed in causing a psychotic break down in American Frank? Watch now as he responds, typing out his reply on his keyboard whittled from the limb of a sycamore tree:

Hey! It's my limey pen pal! How's your limey friends? I've been having a great time here in America. I went shooting - which is fun - and then I laughed at the poor people I saw on my HDTV. HD means extra clarity and extra hilarity!

I'm sorry to say limey so much, but I've never had a limey friend like you! You're so cool and teach me so many new things! And I like bombs because the explosions are cool! I like it when we bomb poor countries, because then it's both funny and cool! Especially watching it all on my HDTV.

I don't like talking about France, limey, so I'll stop mentioning them. I really hate them and hope we can wipe out that subhuman race and never talk about them again.

I never thought of being president. It doesn't pay that well, so I think I'll take your advice and not go for it. I want to be a rich man and then pull the strings of politicians using all my money. That'll be lots of fun! Any laws you want me to pass when I'm rich and powerful, limey? What do limeys like to do anyway?

Wow! That's a lot of cities from other countries! How many other countries are there? I once thought Europe was just one country, but then I found it's a bunch of wacky smaller countries. That's silly. But it’s nice that they try and make cities for themselves. How many mud-huts do you have to have to be declared a city, limey?

I'm sorry, limey, but I didn't understand your joke. What's a Grimsby? I guess you need work at joke telling, limey. Want to here one of my jokes?

A monkey walked into a bar. The bartender said, "What are you doing in here, you monkey?"
And the monkey said, "Well, I'm..."
And then the monkey stopped talking because his head was blown off since the bartender shot the monkey with a shotgun since monkeys aren't supposed to be in bars.

Hee hee. Wasn't that funny? It had a monkey and a bar; that's what jokes are supposed to have, limey.

Yeah, that was terrible what happened on September 11th. Thanks for trying to lighten my mood with a joke, limey; that was nice of you. Luckily, all the people who died in 9/11 went to America Heaven, the best part of Heaven since Americans are God's chosen people. And they get to look down and foreigner hell and laugh at all the evil terrorists we killed since 9/11. Foreigner hell is a terrible place where they don't get to have any of America's cultural influence and thus have to make do with their own bankrupt culture. That's more horrible than I can imagine!

Do you know that some of those people nicknamed God "Allah"? I don't know if God likes being called nicknames, limey. If he does, I'd called him Mr. Big.

Yeah, Vietnam was trouble, limey. My dad fought in that war and he always said to me, "Now, boy, don't you worry none 'bout no Vietnam. We killed us plenty o' Commies, and we woulda killed 'em all if it weren't for them damn hippies. Now promise me, boy... promise me you'll punch a hippy anytime you see one."

And always, "I promise, pa. I won't let you down."

And I've kept my promise. My dad is a smart man. Do you have smart people where you live in London, limey?

Wow! I didn't know all those governments were going to be overthrown. Thanks for telling me, limey. I guess it doesn't affect me much, since it's all other countries. Poor Tony Blair, though; I hope they kill him quick. He seems like a nice guy, though I thought he seemed a bit gay. Ends up he's just British.

Oh, and you might want to be careful about that murdering, limey my pal. Most religious people look down on that sort of thing, and isn't there a National Church of Limeys where you are? You might to check with them before you go murdering.

Yeah, I don't like maps, limey. They're boring and full of weird words. I like treasure maps, though! If you have a treasure map, I'll look at that.

And please don't make fun of our bloated, lecherous, hillbilly president Clinton; American presidents are only for American to make fun of, limey. It's not right for other countries to have opinions about us; we're too big and important.

Ha! Almost tricked you into reading the fascist Jabberwocky poem, but you were too smart for me. It would have fascistized you in a second if you did. Actually the Jabberwocky is a huge symbol of fascism, used by the most fascist dictator of all, Fascist McFascist, ruler of Fascistan. The tales tell that he ruled his country with an iron fist, having many great apricot trees and keeping them all for himself. The poor people of Fascistan would plead, "Please gives us some apricots!" But Fascist McFascist would yell, "No!" and then send his guards to beat the poor people.
One day, though, Fascist McFascist found that all the apricots in Facistan were gone! So he went looking for them. First he questioned the sheep. "Did you take my apricots?"
"Baaa! No!" answered the sheep, but Fascist McFascist had them beaten anyway.
Next he questioned the field mice. "Did you take my apricots?"
"Squeak! Squeak! No!" said the field mice, but Fascist McFascist had them beaten anyway.
Then he went to question the cows, but, before he got there, he found that all the apricots with the United States Marine Corp, who then proceeded to shoot Fascist McFascist with their M-16's until all their magazines were empty. Then they traded the apricots for beer.

The moral of the story is that the only way to stop fascism is through an informed populace and well-armed United States Marines... but mainly just the Marines.

Hoped you liked my story, limey. Anyway, I'll have to listen to more of this Rage Against the Contraption music you talk about instead of just my country music and Christian rock (yay Jesus!). If they represent the views of most Americans, then I better listen up. Do you know if they prefer Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos? I always suspected one was fascist, but I can't figure out which, limey!

Well, like I said before, I didn't understand your joke, but I'm glad the rest of the world finds it funny. Living in squalor and filth and having no HDTV's, they must be in pretty sore moods most of the time. Maybe I should send them a big box of puppets to cheer them up. Or I could just laugh at them. Foreign people are funny.

Hope to hear back from you soon, limey! Don't go too crazy with the murdering.

Cordially,
American Frank

P.S. Actually, how are the leftists in other countries going to murder those they disagree with? I thought you couldn't have guns in all those countries in Europe. Here in America, the left just don't have guns because their pansies. Actually, just us right-wingers have guns. Come to think of it, we could easily all go on a murder-spree killing all the leftists here in the State and in Canada and in Europe with little resistance at all. Hmm... something to consider next time ammo is on sale.

Wanker.

Who will cave in first? Will American Frank respond with the unbridled rage The Limey so desires, or will The Limey finally get a clue? To find out, tune in to the next episode of...

THE LIMEY!

Rating: 3.5/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (131) | I Hate Frank
More to Come
Posted by Frank J. at 08:43 AM | Email This

Man, you won't believe what The Limey said this time, and then I super-sized my crazy in my response (which I e-mailed to him this morning). Since I worked really hard on that previous post, I'll wait until the afternoon to post the next episode of The Limey (now with a cool logo) so as not to overshadow it.

I also have a ton of great questions to answer, so I'll probably have Frank Answers™ tomorrow since I won't have much time to write tonight.

Harvey Olson, who won the contest that never happened and will not be mentioned again, has used his free ad to promote The King of the Blogs. Check it out.

Finally, my Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirts are quickly running out, and I'm working on what will be next for IMAO merchandise. Stay tuned.

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (29)
In My Fantasy World: U.N. Emergency Meeting on the Subject of the One Ring
Posted by Frank J. at 07:14 AM | Email This

'So there's trouble in Middle Earth again,' Bush sighed as he headed for the U.N. conference room, 'I guess we better nip it in the bud to protect our oil interests.'

'You're thinking of the Middle East,' Condoleezza Rice told him, 'We have mithril interests in Middle Earth.'

There was a pedestal at center of the great room, upon it sitting the small golden ring. All countries and races filled the room, ready to debate its fate. Bush entered along with Condi, Donald Rumsfeld, and Buck the Marine, all taking seats near the center.

Bush leaned over to Condi. 'Remind me again why we care about this?'

'I can answer that,' said Gandalf the Grey, 'The Ring is an evil power, and the forces of Mordor will stop at nothing to regain it. It will also corrupt any mortal who tries to use it.'

'It is pretty,' Condi said, slowly reaching for the Ring.

Bush slapped her hand. 'Beardo said not to touch.'

'This meeting shall begin,' announced Kofi Annan. 'The Ring, thought to be lost, was found by Frodo Baggins and brought to our council. At the pleas of Middle Earth, we shall now decide what is to be done with it.'

'France shall takeses good cares of the ring,' Jacques Chirac said, rubbing his hands together greedily, 'Yesss. Give the precious to France.'

'Sounds like a plan,' Bush said, 'Beardo said the Ring will corrupt those who possess it, and France is already corrupt. So, nothing to lose.'

'No!' Gandalf yelled, 'If the Ring is wielded by anyone, then its evil shall eventually find its way back to Sauron. Then all will be lost. The ring must be destroyed.'

'While we're deciding whether to destroy it or not,' Condi said as she reached for the pedestal, 'Why don't I hold on to it.'

Bush slapped her hand again. 'Stop that.'

'Fine!' proclaimed Gimli the dwarf as he drew his axe. 'Let's destroy this thing and be done with it.' Gimli then hit the Ring with all his might, his axe blade shattering to pieces on contact. The Ring remained unblemished.

'Pansy-ass midget!' Rumsfeld shouted, 'I'll show you how you destroy things.' Rumsfeld then called for his dog. 'Chomps, see that gold ring? It's a hippy!'

With a terrible growl, Chomps leapt at the Ring, mouth agape.

'Ah! A warg!' Frodo shouted as Samwise Gamgee shielded his master from harm.

Chomps grabbed the ring fiercely in his teeth as his head shook frantically about. When he spat the Ring back onto the pedestal, it still bared no mark of wear.

'Well this is getting nowhere fast,' Bush said. 'Why don't we just take it to some desert and nuke the damn thing.'

'Why don't I hold it while we choose the desert,' Condi stated as she reached for the Ring.

Bush grabbed her wrist. 'I'm serious; stop that!'

'There is only one way to destroy the ring: to take it it's origin,' Gandalf announced, 'the fires of Mt. Doom within the heart of Mordor.'

'We'll have to ask the permission of Sauron then if we can go into Mordor,' Kofi Annan said.

'But it must be done in secrecy!' Gandalf objected.

'Then you’re asking for the U.N. to sanction an invasion,' Kofi Annan rejoined, 'And that has to be voted on by the Security Council.'

'May I have a few words about this matter?' asked the Saruman the White.

'That guy sounds smart!' Bush exclaimed, 'Let's do whatever he says!'

'Careful,' Gandalf warned, 'Saruman can bend weak minds with his words.'

'Luckily everyone in my cabinet is strong minded,' Bush said, and then thought for a moment. 'Oh, wait! Me!' Bush then covered his ears.

'This Ring has great historical value,' Saruman said, 'and the land of Mordor is simply misunderstood. Plus, we have to take in to account any environmental impact of throwing the ring into Mt. Doom.'

'Yess!' Chirac hissed, 'Jacques will use his vetoses to save the precious.'

'But America is our ally,' Chirac then said while cowering, 'We need to help them.'

'No!' Chirac shouted back at himself, 'Nasty America trixies poor France! The precious should be ours!'

'Okay,' whimpered Chirac, 'I surrender.'

'How long does he get to go on like this?' Bush asked impatiently.

'Since he is debating himself, he gets twice the floor time,' Kofi Annan answered, 'Then we have to have debate from all the other countries and let them cast their meaningless votes on the matter.'

Bush looked about the large room. 'G'dammit! How many countries are there?'

* * * *

The debate raged for hours upon hours as all countries and all races that walked the earth weighed in... and then weighed in again until the most ancient and wise of the Ents, Treebeard, said, 'Speed this the f**k up!'

Finally a resolution passed 144 to 4 that the problem was all the fault of Israel.

'The more we bicker,' Gandalf said, 'The stronger the forces of Mordor grow.'

'I'm still confused about one thing," Bush said, 'What exactly is Tom Bombadil?'

'He's a joooo!' shouted the ambassador from Syria.

'Let's just leave Tom Bombadil out of this,' Gandalf said, 'You need to compromise with France to have the Ring destroyed.'

'Fine,' Bush whined. He then called out, 'Hey, Jacques-strap, will you agree to helping destroy the Ring if we include you in the coalition?'

'Maybe,' Chirac answered, 'but you Americanses better not trixies Jacques.'

'So all we need to do is take a helicopter right into Mordor and drop the damn ring in the stupid volcano,' Bush said, 'That there's strategery.'

'You can't do that,' Gandalf stated 'You must go by ground.'

'Why?'

'For the same reason we can't have it flown in by the great eagles,' Gandalf answered.

'Which is?'

Gandalf was silent for a moment. 'Well... uh... er... because of... uh... secrecy and stuff.'

Bush rolled his eyes. 'Then we'll send in a ground force.' He looked to the Secretary General. 'Hey, Coffee! We're going to send a group into Mordor by ground to take care of this ring business. Okey-dokey?'

'But who shall bear the ring?' Kofi Annan asked.

'I'll take it,' Condi said, reaching for the Ring.

Bush pulled her back. 'I'm really getting tired of this.'

'I'll take the precious,' Chirac announced, 'Yesss. Jacques will protect the precious.'

'No way I'm letting him touch it!' Bush yelled.

'And I won't trust it with an elf!' said a dwarf.

'Nor I with a dwarf,' responded an elf.

'And no jooos!' shouted a Muslim.

The bickering soon filled the entire room, but eventually one voice struggled to speak above them all. 'I will take the Ring,' Frodo said, 'though I do not know the way.'

'And wherever Mr. Frodo goes, I will follow,' Sam stated 'and help him in ways that will make people question my sexuality.'

'I object!' Bush yelled, 'Those two are short and don't have shoes.'

'Perhaps others can help them,' Gandalf suggested.

'I will lend my bow,' Legolas the elf announced.

'And I my axe!' proclaimed Gimli the dwarf. ‘Wait… I broke that.’

'And me my strangling,' said Rumsfeld, the Secretary of Defense.

'And I'll lend my M-16... and my KaBar,' stated Buck the Marine, 'and whatever else is good for kill'n.' He then thought for a moment. 'Who we fight'n anyway?'

'You shall face orcs and goblins,' Gandalf answered.

Buck squinted his eyes menacingly. 'They sound foreign.'

'And Jacques will lead the way,' Chirac hissed, 'Yessss. Lead the precious.'

'So be it,' Kofi Annan announced, 'Frodo Baggins shall be the Ring Bearer, and Samwise Gamgee shall stay at his side. Representing the elves will be Legolas son of Thranduil. For the Dwarves will be Gimli son of Gloin. Representing the humans will be Donald son of George and Buck son of Chuck. And, for the weasels, there will be Chriac, son of a bitch. Together they will be known as the Multilateral Coalition of the Ring... after some more lengthy debating and votes.'

'Dammit!' Bush exclaimed.

Frodo drew his sword to see it glowing a dim blue. 'There are orcs near... or hippies!'

'There's some protest outside,' Bush stated, 'Bunch of signs saying "No Blood for Mithril."' Bush walked to a window and opened it. 'Shut up you stupid hippies!' He then threw out a chair. Finally, he returned to his seat. 'So where were we?'

'We had decided...' Gandalf started to say, but then noticed the pedestal was empty. 'The Ring!'

'And where is Condi?' Bush asked, looking around.

'All is lost!' Gandalf said as he put his face into his hands.

'I'm tired of this!' Bush announced as he got up and started to leave, 'I have some fundraisers to go to. Screw Middle Earth; the military is working on a mithril substitute made from plastics anyway.' He then left the building.

'Do you think we'll ever make it back to the Shire?' Frodo asked Sam.

'I sure hope so, Mr. Frodo, sir," Sam answered.

'One more thing, Sam,' Frodo said.

'What, Mr. Frodo?' Sam asked with concern.

'Could you not stand so close?'

Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (62) | In My World
March 02, 2004
Hell Damn Crap
Posted by Frank J. at 01:39 PM | Email This

Stuff like this pisses off gun owners, and one of the main rules of gun safety is DON'T PISS OFF PEOPLE WITH GUNS!!!

It's time for the Association of Angry Gun Owners to lobby the president to veto this. He said he'd only sign a clean bill, and he'd better stick to his word. Ain't no one safe when people like me are angry.

UPDATE: The story now says the bill has been killed. While it would be nice to get the legal protection for gun companies, at least the "assault weapon" ban should die quietly now.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (44)
When You Thought He Couldn't Get Any Limier...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM | Email This

The Limey has already responded once more, and who wants to bet whether he got more or less crazy this time?

You'll find out tomorrow in the continuing adventures of:

THE LIMEY!

Rating: 3.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (97)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Boring Tuesday, Stalin's Revenge, Fan Mail, Interviews, and Best Picture
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM | Email This

* It's Super Tuesday! Isn't that super!

Ah... who am I kidding; politics is boring right now. When is Bush going to release the attack dogs? I want to see Kerry's blue blood splattered over the pavement.

Oh, and they should attack him verbally too.

* So the evil Commie Stalin still seeks revenge against us with his monster crabs. What I don't get is why they just don't infest the water with some giant, mutant sharks. It would take care of the crabs, and there is no known down side I can think of.

* I was asked why don't also print fan mail instead of just hate mail. It's because no one has ever expressed even the vaguest notion of liking my site whatsoever. Sad but true.

* So what did everyone think of my interview? I have a few ideas of people to rope in next. Maybe I'll be known as "Frank J. - Asking the Questions Others Are Too Smart to Ask". To help me get good guests to interview, if anyone asks, tell him or her I'm very respectable.

* In celebration of Lord of the Rings finally winning the Oscar (plus my finally finishing reading the trilogy), there will be a very special In My World™ tomorrow.

I personally think Lord of the Rings was the most deserving film to win best picture in Oscar history. The award always goes to some talky picture, and that's crap. You can have great acting and a great story in a play, but these are movies. The best picture should use all of the medium available to it, and thus story and acting are only parts of a best picture. It needs cool action, special effects, and sound effects. Lord of the Rings not only had the story and acting, it had the action and cool stuff too... the stuff you go to movies to see.

It's my firm conviction that, whatever year it happened to come out in, Die Hard should have won best picture. Anyone who says otherwise just doesn't understand movies.

* BTW, what do you think the Blogfather's comment means? I think I'll have to get an interview with him eventually to find out.

* One last thing: where's a good place on the internet to buy DVD's cheap? I want to start collecting the Zatoichi series (more of which are being released on DVD soon, plus the new movie will be hitting theaters this year). Them little throwing disks can be expensive.

Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (54) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
Blimey Times Three!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:01 AM | Email This

Maybe I should start having a pool about how many e-mails (here is one and two for those joining us late) it takes until Tony Pentin gets a clue. I'm hoping a lot, because this stuff writes itself.

Anyhoo, once again vulgar nouns are replaced with "ronin", f'ing with "hippy-dippy", the s-word with "linguini", piss-off with "have a nice day", and the f-word with "I challenge". All for The Children™. Enjoy:

I'd already sent this email when I thought I'd better send it again with the red background to symbolise socialism. I bet you hate this! [Ed. Note: Sorry I couldn't do the red background of his e-mail for you. Just use your imagination.]

Well, I see you haven't changed in the last three days since you wrote your latest drivel! And neither has your countries stupid interventionalist foreign policy as you storm into Haiti like a bunch of macho bastards. What most surprises me is that Bush hasn't supported that fascist Aristide! And you self-gratifying bastards are only going there to protect your precious embassy!

You're a sick ronin! I was hoping the poor would invade Hollywood at the awards last night and make a speech!

Everything's bombing with you! If you're not on about bombing then you're on about bombing! Change the hippy-dippy tune! You sound like the backwoodsman rural hick that you are!

So it took you two emails to work out who Rage Against the Machine were? They were only one of the biggest bands in the world in the 90's you dumb ronin!

And what's this drivel about France should not be allowed their own foreign policy no matter what China says? I'm not from China so you've just lost your own argument you silly little boy! I'm not a communist - who was that who condemned North Korea in the last email? That was me! And your attitude is the reason why everybody hates your country - you're a bunch of self-important lying ronins that contradict yourselves!

Have a nice day redneck!

Remember what I was saying about American greed? Have a look at the lyrics to the brilliant parody by Rage Against the Machine for "Sleep Now in the Fire" which was done in 1999 as a warning that the linguini was gonna hit the fan if that ronin Bush was elected. It's a parody of that redneck murdering ronin known as Bush. Do you know what a parody is? It's when somebody imitates somebody else. Just thought I'd point that out.

Look at when Rage condemn the lack of democracy in your country with the brilliant lines "there is no other pill to take, so swallow the one that makes you ill". Very true. I mean there's many parties in America - the socialist parties and the environmental parties with people running for president but it's either the democrats or the republicans for everybody - as if nobody else exists.

Outstanding lines from THE LEFT.

www.musicfanclubs.org/rage/lyrics/sleep.htm

I CHALLENGE YOU YOU RONIN!

What can I possibly say to that...

Hey! It's Limey! Nice to hear from you. How are the folks? How is London? I thought I heard that it's being bombed by Germany again, but I might have just accidentally turned on the History Channel instead of Fox News.

The red background is pretty neat, but you need to use a lighter text color against it for better readability. Some reason I'm thinking yellow; I don't know why.

No, I haven't changed in past three days. The doctor said the meds will take at least two weeks before my body gets used to them, and then the voices should be more quiet. Thanks for caring, though, limey.

You're right about us liking to protect our embassies, limey. That's where we keep our gold and diamonds we still from the indigenous people. As soon as that is secured, we'll get out of there and leave the people to fester in their misery just as you want, so don't worry, limey. No more being all macho for us.

No, the poor didn't invade Hollywood; we keep them too starving to have energy for riots. That's called strategery. Lord of the Rings won best picture though, and it was a great film about killing evil people... just like America does! And it was filmed in New Zealand (what happened to the old Zealand?) which I think is near where you live, limey. I don't look at maps much, though, because they're just full of other countries which don't serve much purpose to us.

I didn't mean to imply that an upstanding, red socialist like you might have anything to do with Communsim, limey. I was just saying I don't care about China’s opinion the same as I don't care about the evil, genocidal French. I think we'll have war with them next; won't that be fun! I wonder if we can make the Eiffel Tower fall on something. They just better film it, or the war will be for nothing. Does France have much oil, BTW?

And you don't like rednecks? I thought you liked red, limey?

Thanks for telling what a parody is, limey my friend. I've heard all about those and they sound fun. Maybe I'll try one of these days. Will you tell what you think about it? I always wanted the opinion of a limey.

Wow! Those lyrics are cool and symbolic. They’re almost as good as the lyrics from Toby Keith's (was he in Angry at the Machine before they broke up?) "Courtesy of the Red White and Blue". Look at this line:

"And you’ll be sorry that you messed with
The U.S. of A.
'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass
It's the American way"

It's symbolic, because we're not actually putting any boots up any one's ass, but instead are going to bomb the crap out of them and shoot them with bullets (though some of our enemies may get pegged with tracer rounds; won't that be funny). Here's the rest of it with more symbolism just like the Machine Ragers.

http://www.werismyki.com/writings/angry_american.html

I hope you enjoy.

Cordially,
Stupiud Bastrad
http://imao.us

P.S. Another thing with great symbolism is the poem the Jabberwocky.

http://www.jabberwocky.com/carroll/jabber/jabberwocky.html

"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."

I think if you look at it carefully, it's a commentary about how unfair our social class system is and that the oppression of the poor can't go on forever. Or, maybe I'm just reading it all wrong and it's actually about how small your penis is.

Wanker.

I bet every blogger wants their own pet limey now.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (219) | I Hate Frank
March 01, 2004
I Wish There Weren't Other Blogs
Posted by Frank J. at 12:48 PM | Email This

I threatened Iowahawk to stop trying to be funny, and it looks like I brought this on.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11)
My Goal as a Blog Should Be to One Day Get an Interview with Him
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 AM | Email This

Rumsfeld quotes!

Rating: 1.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Obviously the British Healthcare System Isn't Giving Him His Meds
Posted by Frank J. at 07:32 AM | Email This

Guess which limey I just got an e-mail from this morning? That's right: the limey. And he's upped the crazy just for us. I won't have time to respond until tomorrow, though.

He keeps e-mailing me back like this, I'm going to have to give him a commission for the great material just to be fair.

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (43)
Frank Discussions: G. Gordon Liddy
Posted by Frank J. at 07:15 AM | Email This

Here's something different for me: an actual interview. At the suggestion and help of Eric Scheie of Classical Values, I got fifteen minutes on the phone with G. Gordon Liddy, known for the G. Gordon Liddy Show and... well... other things (check out his site; it has his bio there if you really don't know who he is). As inane as I tried to make my questions, Mr. Liddy somehow came up with serious and thoughtful answers to all of them. That, combined with some bad research, I think made me come off as a bit more of an idiot than usual, but I still believe it's a good read.

Thanks again to Eric Scheie, to Mr. Liddy's producer (and sometimes Stacked & Packed calendar model) Diana, and especially to G. Gordon Liddy.

Now, without further ado, here is my first ever transcription of a phone conversation:

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (44) | Frank Discussions
 

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