I had to travel by plane over the holidays, and that got me thinking about what are some actually effective ways to prevent terrorists from getting on board. Why not, instead of bothering me about my trusty pocketknife, they try to psychologically screen for terrorists using a short quiz.
Here is what I came up with:
TERRORIST TEST
QUESTION 1: What is your name?
Non-terrorists have names like Larry, John, or SpongeBob. If the person answers with “Mohammed” or the nickname “The Engineer,” he’s probably a terrorist.
QUESTION 2: Fill in the blank: I want to ____ Americans.
Terrorists will not be able to help themselves from completing the sentence with the word “kill”. Non-terrorist foreigners will fill the blank in with “thank”, “hug”, or “kneel down before”.
QUESTION 3: Fill in the blank: The ones to blame are the ____.
Non-terrorists will probably become confused by this question and leave it blank since they would need to know more information about the problem before being able to assign blame. Terrorists will instinctively fill in the blank with “JEWS!!!” or “jooooos!”.
QUESTION 4: What is your opinion about the Crusades?
Most non-terrorist Americans’ knowledge about the Crusades will come exclusively from the beginning of the movie Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (or Robin Hood: Men in Tights), so one should be wary of any answer that doesn’t mention Kevin Costner. Even if the person does know something about the Crusades, he or she will probably not have much of an opinion about it as it seems as relevant to modern life as the battle between Thag and Zork in 30,000 B.C. over who got to next paint a buffalo on the cave wall. Only dirty terrorists care about the Crusades.
MULTIPLE CHOICE SECTION
The terrorist answer to all of these is D.
QUESTION 5:
Islam means ____.
A. peace.
B. submission.
C. That you are a “lam.”
D. kill the Jews!!!
QUESTION 6:
Children should be
A. seen and not heard
B. cherished
C. given Ritalin
D. blown up
QUESTION 7:
If you got a new puppy, what would you name him?
A. Rover
B. Fluffy
C. GK Chesterton
D. Infidel… and then hang him
QUESTION 8:
The sun sets every night because of
A. the earth rotating
B. the earth revolving around the sun
C. the sun revolving around the earth
D. a Zionist conspiracy
QUESTION 9:
My parents want me
A. to be happy
B. to make something of myself
C. to get a job
D. to blow myself up in a crowded area
QUESTION 10:
At the end of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, I immediately thought
A. “What a great movie!”
B. “It could have been more faithful to the book.”
C. “I need to pee.”
D. “Kill the Jews!”
If the test reveals the person to be a terrorist, proper procedure should be for the ticket taker to pull out a gun and unload it into the person while shouting, “Take that, you dirty terrorist!” I know that if I see a terrorist gunned down in front of me just before boarding the plane, I’ll feel much safer.
“Non-terrorists have names like Larry, John, or SpongeBob.” OMG, i have been laughing uncontrollably since i read this! Thanks a bunch. Larry(non-terrorist)
I can’t work right now because my eyes are filled with tears. You’re forcing me not to read your website during work. Everyone at work is staring at me like I’m crazy because I can’t stop laughing. Are you trying to get me fired?
Questions 8 and 9 kill me…oops, did I write “kill”? Must be a jew conspiracy to make that a colloquialism.
Glad your back, Frank. The “WARNING: I’m about to read Frank’s wesbite–sudden guffaws and uncontrollable laughter are about to begin” sign has been dusted off again.
I made that up. That’s not what the sign REALLY says.
Priceless! I’ve been remiss lately about visiting your great site. I’ll be visiting daily again!
Q: What’s a terrorist’s favorite seat on an airplane?
A: C-4! (I know. I know. It was there. I HAD to use it. :p)
Freakin’ hysterical! You might enjoy this terrorist short comedy movie: http://www.slice-of-freedom.com/
LOL!, nice one, i love it,,,
QUESTION 3: Fill in the blank: The ones to blame are the ____.
“QUESTION 8:
The sun sets every night because of
A. the earth rotating
B. the earth revolving around the sun
C. the sun revolving around the earth
D. a Zionist conspiracy”
LMAO, the best part is, THEY SHOULD REALLY DO THAT!
How do you get these ideas? Truly Hilarious.
G-D you are funny!! now i have to read these on a plastic chair in case i piss myself laughing
I’ve just discovered your blog, and this is the first entry I read. This is hilarious, but mostly because it is too true!
frank
i was referred to your website by a friend of mine who is 25 years younger than me. he thinks your stuff is hilarious. so do i. this either proves that your satire transcends all ages, or that the fear of monkey bites is spreading among heterosexual males of all ages.
p.s.
more buck the marine, please. his answers to life’s little problems are so simple, yet so simple.
this is all to much to take..i’ve never laughted so much…thanks…it was a joy…
QUESTION 10:
At the end of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, I immediately thought
A. “What a great movie!”
B. “It could have been more faithful to the book.”
C. “I need to pee.”
D. “Kill the Jews!”
Definitly “c”. Really badly
QUESTION 10:
At the end of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, I immediately thought
A. “What a great movie!”
B. “It could have been more faithful to the book.”
C. “I need to pee.”
D. “Kill the Jews!”
Definitly “c”. Really badly
XD
I think that sums up my thoughts.
I’m guilty of the Robin Hood reference. funny stuff.
this needs to be on a t-shirt. that way I can wear my how to recognize a terrorist T I got from you on even days and the test for terrorists on odd days.
One word: dude
duuuuuude
QUESTION 2: Fill in the blank: I want to ____ Americans.
Terrorists will not be able to help themselves from completing the sentence with the word “kill”. Non-terrorist foreigners will fill the blank in with “thank”, “hug”, or “kneel down before”.
Dude, you forgot the option of BURN
What a bunch of stupid hicks you are. I wonder if anyone here has graduated from high school.
Retards….and you make me ashamed to be an American.
Go f*** yourselves.
Heh heh! Yeah, that was pretty fin’ funny! The funniest part is that IT’S TRUE…you can ALWAYS tell a terrorist by how they look and what their name is… People with names like TIMOTHY and TERRY could NEVER be terrorists.
Anyway, I have a feeling that I will be seeing a lot of you in hell, dumb-fs.
-Timothy McVeigh
I really DO wonder why people from other countries want to chop off all of our heads? Huh. This webpage provides NO clue to the answers…
Have fun in your world travels, folks. Best of luck to you…
-The Queen
You can tell that you’re right if you’re pissing off the right people. And my opinion about the Crusades is that, in general, they had the right idea, but the execution was shoddy.
Well, according to question 6, I’m a terrorist!
What a bunch of stupid hicks you are. I wonder if anyone here has graduated from high school.
Retards….and you make me ashamed to be an American.
Go f*** yourselves.
Posted by: phucu on June 25, 2004 10:48 PM
Well you can go to hell, my friend.
can someone email me the joke, i can’t find it!
Well, according to question 6, I’m a terrorist!
Posted by: The Reaper on July 26, 2004 03:02 AM
I think this test allows for one wrong answer. Kinda like “If you answered yes to two or more of these questions…” then you are a terrorist.
Perhaps we should make a slightly altered test to see if one is a smelly, granola-nut, tin-foil hat wearing, green party, hippie. If they are perhaps we shouldn’t shoot them, but simply deport them. I hear the Sudan is lovely this time of year. Cowboy up you bunch of cupcakes. Stop whining like four year old girls with “hurt feelings.” Horse-face lost and we have, to quote one intelligencia, 4 more years of money and dead terrorists.
I hate f***ing nazist like you! you should be ashamed of yourself and your ridicoulus test! it’s amazing how dumb you are! You shouldn’t call yourself an american cause you are only a perverted nazist, you are an insult to your nation! USA is a great country but unfortunately is full of white nazist garbage! try and try harder to think before you talk or attempt to write a test!
Marcore
After all the above had to destroy this hillarious joke, I am converting to conservativism. Just save the animals while you save America, and we will be happy. Its one thing to be vegan, but even animal rights activists have standards.
What is the difference between a liberal, a terrorist, and a cow?
A liberal is what goes in the cow, a terrorist is what comes out the rear end!