For the benefit of those wondering what the opinion of a self-indulged, immoral, scumbag is about war with Iraq, Clinton spoke at a Synagogue Thursday. He said the Bush should not take action without guidance from cartoon space monkey Hans Blix. Clinton also said any “pre-emptive strike” against Iraq by the United States should come only with the support of Europe, including inconsequential assclown NATO members France, Belgium and Germany.
To the surprise of everyone in attendance, once Clinton finished speaking the ghosts of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin materialized in front of him. “Wow, what an honor!” Clinton exclaimed, “Now you can explain to everyone how great a legacy my presidency made and maybe convince them to make me president again.”
A smile formed on Washington’s ethereal face. “We’ve watched you for a long time.”
“Pretty impressive, huh?” Clinton beamed, “I knew you guys wouldn’t care about a few little scandals here in there when my heart was into making America great. Well, I just want you to know, I humbly accept you bowing before me.”
Washington chuckled a bit. “Yeah… that’s what we’re here for. As we’ve said, we’ve watched you for a long time, and we’ve always wanted to meet you in person like this so we could tell you something.”
“Sure, what?”
Washington floated closed, his translucent face seemingly bearing a grave matter. “Now, I want you to listen to this and remember it well.”
The ghost of the founding fathers then beat Clinton savagely for three hours straight. Clinton supporters fled the synagogue in terror, but soon other people crowded in when they heard a fight going on. And it was quite spectacular, the poltergeist rage of the founding fathers flinging Clinton against the walls and ceilings, and then ripping objects off the walls to beat him with.
“It was so cool!” exclaimed Sean Cooper, 17, who witnessed the event. “They were totally like railing on the guy. I started feeling sorry for Clinton, but then he started talking again which just got everyone pissed more, especially the ghost dudes. Franklin then held him from behind while Madison whaled on him yelling, ‘Feel your pain!’ I don’t know much about James Madison, but I’m going to have to look him up in a history book; that guy rocks!”
“Clinton may not know what ‘is’ is,” said Jeremy Mitchell, 26, who ran in after hearing the commotion and applause, “but we sure all now know the definition of an ass-kicking.”
After the ghosts finally departed, Clinton himself was nowhere to be seen, possibly having been pulled into a ghost world to suffer eternal torments. It was a while later, though, he turned up in a nearby dumpster, disappointing many. Historians are now debating whether to add a new asterisk to Clinton’s name on the list of presidents, making it now read “William Jefferson Clinton *impeached **savagely beaten by founding fathers”.

Osama bin Laden is said to have released a new tape calling evil terrorist retards to arms if the U.S. attacks Iraq. In his taped message, he instructed terrorists in battle strategies aimed at causing the highest number of American casualties. These involved telling them the best ways of splattering ones blood when shot so that Americans may later slip on it.
At a later press conference, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld seemed to be amused by the tape. “It’s fun for them to pretend that Iraq could actually be a worthy opponent to the U.S., but, according to our analysts, the difference in length of an invasion between them using their best weaponry available and the best fighting strategies opposed to them just standing there letting us shoot them is about eight minutes.”
Rumsfeld them took questions.
“Do you regret lumping Germany in with Cuba and Libya?”
“Would I have said it if I didn’t mean it?” Rumsfeld asked, glowering at the man.
“Uh… no sir. Of course not,” the reporter said, slinking away.
“Germany, Libya, and Cuba are all alike. They won’t help us with Iraq, they are evil countries, and we are currently working on plans to assassinate their leadership.”
“Actually,” National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice interrupted, “We don’t have plans for Libya.”
Rumsfeld grumbled to himself as he snatched a nearby napkin and pulled out a pen. He then quickly jotted a few things down. “Tying timed explosives to monkeys is easy enough,” he mused to himself, “but teaching them the subtleties of ninjitsu will take time.” He then tucked the napkin into his breast pocket. “I’ll file this later. Next question.”
“What are your reaction to your German relatives who disowned you?”
“Of course, I can’t have fools like that claiming my bloodline. I will hunt them down, kill them, and burn their bodies. I will then bury their ashes in a dank bog. Nothing too surprising. Anyway, I’m going to now let Dr. Rice tell you about some more of our new technology to help with our fighting.
Rice then stepped forward. “To help in a possible conflict with North Korea, we’ve created a new firearm safety feature to avoid friendly fire incidents.” Rice held up a handgun with some sort of optical attachment under the barrel. “The firing pin is blocked until the gun detects that it is pointed at a Communist.”
“How can it tell if someone is a Communist?”
“Could you do me a favor?” Rice asked the reporter as she pointed the gun at him, “Could you say ‘dictatorship of the proletariat’?”
“Potato chip… of the polar… chariot?” the reporter said with confusion as Rice pulled the trigger to empty clicks.
“Wow,” Rice exclaimed, “Too dumb to even be a Communist; didn’t think that was possible.”
“I would point out,” said another reporter, “That just because someone has a Communist viewpoint, doesn’t mean they should be shot.”
Rice then pointed the gun at him and pulled the trigger. “It works!”
“One less Commie,” Rumsfeld laugh. “Damn, I hope we finish this Iraq thing soon; I miss killing Commies. Remember when I strangled one in Nam?”
“Yeah, that was last year,” Rice answered, “Caused a bit of media firestorm.”
“Hey, if God didn’t want us killing Commies, he wouldn’t have given them necks fit for strangling.”
“We still have questions,” interrupted one reporter.
Rice pointed the gun at the reporter and pulled the trigger – an empty click. “Fine, what?”
“Diplomats for both the French and the Germans are in town right now. Do you and Rumsfeld plan on meeting with them?”
“Yes, we do,” Rumsfeld said with a sinister laugh and then ended the press conference.
In unrelated news, the “Rumsfeld Strangler” (incident1 incident2) has struck again, killing French and German diplomats. This time, a videotape was left on the scene. On it, one can see Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld strangling a diplomat while he says, “I’m Donald Rumsfeld. I’m strangling you.” The end credits seem to indicate he had help in the act, as the cinematography is credited to “Condoleeza Rice”. D.C. police are tired and confused. Cracking an easier case, they arrested a seventy year old woman who tried to defend herself with a handgun when an assailant broke into her apartment. That assailant, who has numerous assault and drug convictions, was immediately elected mayor.

President Bush seemed to signal war was approaching, saying Saddam “wants the world to think that hide-and-seek is a game that we should play. And it’s over.”
He then added, “and, the way we play hide-and-seek in Texas, after we find him, we beat him with sticks.”
He then had a meeting with French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac in a last ditch effort to make the Prime Minister see his point of view. It did not go well.
“After the meeting, Chirac described you as being a cowboy. How do you respond?” asked a reporter at a press conference held afterwards.
“I object to that.”
“Well, couldn’t you admit that the way you lassoed Chirac, shot those accompanying him with a single-action revolver, and then yelled, “Yee-haw!” while riding a horse off into the sunset with a bunch of stolen French cattle could be construed as the actions of a ‘cowboy’?”
“Well, yeah,” Bush admitted, “I was just objecting to the way he said – like it was a bad thing. Who in the world doesn’t like being a cowboy? I’m starting to think that Chirac may be… what’s the word… homosexual. And I don’t mean that in that he is ‘happy and merry’. I mean that in that’s he’s gay.” Karl Rove then whispered in his ear. “But I don’t mean that in a bad way.”
“So are you factoring in France’s and Germany’s opinions?”
“Nah, honestly I just went to France to steal me some French cattle. I hate those guys. They make me think of that kid in class who would remind the teacher to give us homework. I beat that kid up, and that’s still my policy.”
“Are you pretty set on war, then?”
“Hell, yeah. I hate that Osama and finally want to kill that bastard.”
“Don’t you mean Saddam, the leader of Iraq?” one reporter corrected.
Bush looked more confused than usual. “Hell, I dunno. Bad people are going to die, so be happy!” He then shook his fist at the reporters. “Rumsfeld and Condi are in charge of this anyway. What they want is going to happen, because they’re much smarter and more powerful than me; they’re like Darth Sidious and Darth Maul.”
“And would that make you Jar Jar Binks?” a reporter quipped.
Bush looked enraged. Karl Rove then whispered in his ear and he calmed down and smiled. “That’s pretty clever of you… Jar Jar Binks… that’s a funny one… going to be laughing about that one for…”
“I’LL MURDER YOU DEAD!” Bush finally screamed and leapt on the hapless reporter. “I’m the President of the United States of America!” he yelled as he pounded the man’s head into the ground, “The most powerful man in the world! I can have you declared an enemy combatant and deport your family to Syria!”
The Secret Service wrestled Bush away from the man, but, as Bush was pulled to his feet, he quickly calmed down, straightened his tie and jacket, and tossed the reporter a blank pardon before walking off.
“He was just playing around,” Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer later told the press, “So there is no reason to sue him, unless you’re some sort of crybaby… or hate not being injected with a drug that makes it look like you had a heart attack.” He then glared at the press threateningly.
“What about when the president allegedly beat up Sen. John Edwards and threw his shoes onto a telephone wire. Was he just playing then?”
Fleischer laughed. “I guess Mr. ‘Regular Guy’ caught a regular beating.” Fleischer then glanced at his watch. “The Simpsons are coming on, so screw you guys.”