Secretary of State Colin Powell plans to present evidence to the U.N. today that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and is mocking the rest of the world. On one audio tape, Saddam reportedly says, “I have weapons of mass destruction! Stupid world; I mock them! And I am so glad the U.N. will never hear me say this!”
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld showed his support for Colin Powell. “That weak willed fool better not fail!” Rumsfeld shouted at a press conference, shaking his fist in the air.
“Chirac seems to say that he will not join the war plans no matter what,” said one reporter, “How much do you plan on hurting him?”
“You must be from FOX News,” Rumsfeld stated. “As for Chirac, just having other people see him after I’m done with him will be considered a crime against humanity.”
“Is there any way you could agree on just having more inspections instead of war in which innocent people will be killed?” asked another reporter.
Rumsfeld pulled out his luger and shot the man in the knee. “Next question.”
“Can we get him medical attention?” asked a reporter who watched the man roll around on the ground in pain.
“No.”
Rumsfeld glanced behind him to see National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice waiting impatiently. “Oh, yeah; we’re now going to unveil some of the technology we are going to use in this war to slaughter our enemies and our lesser allies,” Rumsfeld said, “Now, since I tend to stay away from anything more complicated than a semi-automatic, I’m going to turn this over to Dr. Condoleeza Rice.”
Rumsfeld took a seat nearby and Rice then took the floor. “We wanted to have the ultimate leader to take our troops into battle,” she announced, “We researched a number of ways to create this leader, such as cybernetic enhancements and gene splicing, but then we heard that a number of hippies claimed to have been severely beaten by a spectral entity. Upon further investigation, we determined it to be none other than the ghost of General George S. Patton. We used secret federal dark sorcerers to capture and contain the spirit…”
“There are dark sorcerers paid for by the government?” one reporter interrupted.
“QUIET!” Rice screamed, “I will tell you when it is time for questions!” She then composed herself and smiled. “As I was saying, we captured the spirit of General. Now all we needed is a container for it. So we’ve decided to use brand new technology to unite the ways of the old with the ways of the new. Thus we have created Robo-Patton.”
Projected on to a screen behind her was a picture of a hulking robot with ivory accents.
“Robo-Patton will have the power to inspire our troops to a quick and decisive victory, but he will not be some general giving orders from afar. Robo-Patton has hydraulic strength to slap the head clean off a man. He also has a built in rocket launcher, railgun, and gatling gun, allowing him to dispatch threats of hardware and personnel. Robo-Patton will slaughter the enemy by the thousands.”
She smiled a while, savoring the thought. Finally, she said, “Now you may ask questions.”
“Do you really expect our troops to be led by this monstrous cyborg?”
“A cyborg is part human and part machine,” Rice answered, “Robo-Patton is a pure robot being controlled by the spirit of General Patton. That makes him an android. Next question.”
“Is there any chance Robo-Patton will go on an insane killing spree?”
“Is there any chance he won’t?” Rumsfeld laughed.
“There does seem to be some chance that Robo-Patton will not follow orders and instead select his own targets. Most likely, though, he’ll only kill people no one likes anyway, such as liberals or you.”
“How do you people sleep at night when all you deal in is death and destruction?”
Rice looked unamused. “Your questions tire me.” She pulled a remote out of her pocket and pressed a button. A transparent shield then came down from the ceiling blocking Rice and Rumsfeld off from the reporters. “You have ten seconds before this room fills with poison gas,” Rice announced. The press conference quickly ended.
In unrelated news, a large robot answering to the name General Patton is on the loose killing hippies in Berkeley, California. Government officials say they don’t plan to do anything at this point, because the robot “will eventually tire himself out.”

Opinions in the Middle East about the Columbia tragedy has been mixed. The official word from the Palestinian territories was one of condolence.
“President (Yasser) Arafat and the Palestinian Authority offer their condolences to the six American families and the Israeli family who lost their loved ones in the catastrophe,” said Saeb Erekat, a senior Palestinian official and spokesman.
“Wow, I always said that Arafat’s a nice guy,” Bush responded, “That’s why I told the Israelis that, when they kill him, to do it quickly and painlessly.”
“They said no,” he added.
In Iraq, people offered no such sorrow.
“We are happy that it broke up,” government employee Abdul Jabbar al-Quraishi said. “God wants to show that his might is greater than the Americans. They have encroached on our country. God is avenging us.”
“Sure the Americans are extremely prosperous,” he continued, “have access to vast technology and a standard of living that I can’t even imagine. And maybe a homeless man begging on the streets in American could earn more money in a year than we can slaving away for a ruthless dictator. And perhaps the Americans have put men on the moon and have made huge leaps in science and technology based on their space program while, during the same time, our best accomplishment was learning a new way to cook a goat. But now they have lost seven astronauts in the heroic pursuit of science and must realize whom God really favors! Now please excuse while I go fester in my diseases.”
Many in Iraq expressed similar notions that the Columbia tragedy was God’s vengeance. Heaven Press Secretary Gabriel was on hand to answer these charges. “Now, I’ll answer what I can, but, obviously, a lot of this involves confidential information.”
“What’s the one true religion?” asked the first reporter.
Gabriel rolled his eyes. “I dunno… scientology. Now please don’t ask another question you know I can’t answer.”
“Was the destruction of Shuttle Columbia an act of God’s vengeance?”
“Of course not. More than four billion people died in the past century, and it’s not like anyone would think that’s all in vengeance. Space travel is a dangerous pursuit, and the people involved knew that. That’s what makes it heroism.”
“So God admits to murdering more than four billion people in past century? Does he plan on turning Himself in to authorities?”
Gabriel sighed and shook his head. “This is why We don’t do these very often.”
“What about when a celebration of Columbia’s destruction in Iraq was broken up by a rain of angry monkeys?” asked another reporter, “That was pretty improbable, and some are pointing fingers at God.”
“No comment.”
“So does God ever hate anyone and thus destroy them with his wrathful fury and what not?”
“No, God doesn’t hate anyone… but he just smites some people from time to time. But really, that is rare, because human life is a sacred thing since man was created in His image.”
“So does God closely resemble a monkey?”
Gabriel looked frustrated. “I… meant that in more of a metaphysical sense. One more question.”
“Many say Saddam is quite an evil person. Can we expect some sort of unilateral action from the Almighty?”
“No, I wouldn’t expect that. It’s not God’s place to constantly seek out violent retribution, as He has infinite mercy. In this world, Saddam has much more to fear from the Americans who, despite their best intentions, are not quite so infinite in their mercy.”