In My World: The Demoncrat

Posted by on

“There is a disturbance in the Beltway,” Karl Rove uttered ominously.
“What is it, Rover?” Bush asked as he practiced on a putting green in the Oval Office.
Karl Rove closed his eyes and tried to focus. “I can not tell yet, but it does not bode well.”
“I once thought I had a premonition,” Bush said as he prepared for a putt, “but it was just bad shellfish.” The golf ball rolled right by the hole’s edge. “Constarnit!”

The Democrat debate for the presidential nomination raged on as usual.
“I hate Bush!”
“I hate Bush more!”
“I wish I had some policy ideas… but I’m too busy hating Bush!”
“We hate Bush too!” yelled the sympathetic crowd.
“Wesley Clark is not really a Democrat!”
“I am too! You’re a doody head!”
“You take that back!”
Suddenly a vortex emerged at the center of the stage. From it emerged a giant figure in black armor with glowing red eyes. “I am O’Yama, eater of souls and registered Democrat!” he screamed, lighting bursting about him and the entire auditorium shaking at the sound of his voice. “I will plunge the world into eternal darkness, raining blood upon the land, all funded by taxing the top one percent who are not paying their fair share!”
The audience applauded.
“I’m sorry,” said the moderator, “but you can’t just materialize in the debate like this.”
“Your soul is mine!” O’Yama yelled, and a beam emerged from his fingertips. Soon the moderator was reduced to nothing but a skeleton.
“Well, I welcome any Democrat to the debate,” Sen. Joe Liberman said, “but I’m not sure that eternal darkness is the direction we want to take the country in.”
“Quiet, moderate fool!” O’Yama screeched, launching a fireball at Liberman. It exploded the Senator right off the stage. “I will wreak death, vengeance, and a progressive agenda upon the world, and no one can stop me! And I have been a Democrat since before time began… unlike a certain General in our midst.”
“Hey! That’s a cheap shot!” Wesley Clark protested.
“Quiet, or suffer for all eternity!” O’Yama threatened, “Only I can defeat George Bush! And when I do, his soul will be mine!”
There was a standing ovation in response as O’Yama’s evil laughter echoed through the chamber.

“Bush! Bush!” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan yelled as he ran into the Oval Office. “There’s a new Democrat who’s entered the race for the presidency!”
“Who is it now?” Bush asked with annoyance.
“An evil demon that vows to destroy the world and eat your soul!”
Bush jumped out of his chair in surprise. “But Hillary promised she wouldn’t run for the presidency!”
“He speaks of O’Yama, Eater of Souls,” Zatoichi, Bush’s blind samurai Secret Service agent, uttered, “An ancient evil.”
“That sounds bad,” Bush declared.
Scott turned on the T.V. to a news station. “O’Yama, having just entered the race, is already polling as the front-runner,’ said the anchorman. ‘Apparently Democrats are warming up to him because of his left-leaning politics and how his vow to slaughter all humanity doesn’t leave him as vulnerable to attacks about being weak on national security.”
The screen then showed O’Yama, eyes glowing red with evil, giving a speech before a crowd of reporters. “When I am president, the oceans will boil, the cities will be destroyed in fire, and there will be universal health care!”
“What!” Bush exclaimed as he watched the television, “A universal health care plan could be harmful!”
“Why have you waited until now to enter the race?” a reporter asked O’Yama.
“Long ago, I was imprisoned within the void,” O’Yama explained, “but the collective hatred for Bush has given me strength to break those seal and once again spread my evil and leftist politics across the world. In a way, you can say the Democratic faithfuls drafted me.”
The O’Yama supporters in attendance cheered while the ancient demon laughed a spine-chilling laugh as the clouds above darkened and lightning struck about him.
The T.V. then showed a reporter interviewing an O’Yama supporter. “Does his being an evil demon concern you?”
“At least he’s better than Bush,” the young man answered, “Who’s like Hitler because of… stuff and uh… Bush lies like when… he said… things… Go O’Yama!”
“Sounds like the Democrat base of barely coherent idiots is behind him,” Karl Rove said as he emerged from the shadows.
“So do you think he’ll have a chance of beating Howard Dean in New Hampshire?” Bush asked.
“We cannot wait to find out!” Ichi exclaimed, “You must slay him now!”
“Hey, I’m not slaying anyone,” Bush stated, “Best not to attack any of the Democrats until the primary is over. Isn’t that right, Rover?”
“The destruction of the world could go against our partisan goals,” Karl Rove said, “Perhaps this problem should be handled now.”
“Fine,” Bush said, “I’ll get my .45 and then it’s one dead ancient demon.”
“No man made weapon can defeat O’Yama,” Ichi said, “You must find a hidden cave in the mountains of Japan and obtain the enchanted katana known as Crat-Cutter. Only with that can you send O’Yama back to the void.”
“Okay, Scott, go fetch me that sword,” Bush ordered.
“It can only be wielded by the leader of the free-world,” Ichi said, “You must go yourself, Bush-san.”
“Fine,” Bush moaned, “Every time I’m getting ready to settle in for a restful weekend, I have to go on some mystic quest to Japan.”

“Why do I have to carry everything,” Scott asked as he trekked in the snow behind Bush.
“Because you’re the sherpa,” Bush answered, poking Scott in the belly with his walking stick.
“Stop doing that!” Scott yelled, “And who is answering press questions while I’m gone?”
“I told Rumsfeld to cover for you.”

“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he strangled a reporter.

“Are you sure that’s a wise decision?” Scott asked.
Bush rolled his eyes. “When was the last time I made a wise decision?” He surveyed the landscape. “Now where is this hidden cave?”
“Well… it’s hidden,” Scott answered, “Zatoichi said destiny would lead us to it.”
“But how long is that going to take?” Bush complained, “What if a yeti or a wampa gets us first? And do you see any steakhouses nearby, because I’m hungry.”
“I’m pretty sure we’re in the middle of nowhere,” Scott answered.
Bush looked around. “Aieeee! Snow monkey!” he exclaimed, and then leapt to the ground.
“That’s just a rock,” Scott said, and then noticed Bush was gone. “Where are…” he started to say, but then fell down a hole. Once he got off the ground, he saw Bush sitting there looking quite annoyed.
“Just our luck to stumble into some sort of… hidden cave,” Bush grumbled, “Now we’ll never find that steakhouse we were questing for.”
“We’re looking for the Crat-Cutter, remember?” Scott said.
Bush slapped his forehead. “Oh yeah; ancient, magical sword.” He then noticed an old Asian man with a long white beard standing nearby. “Who are you?”
“I am the keeper of the sword you seek,” the old man responded.
“Cool,” Bush said and then held out his hands. “Gimme gimme gimme!”
“Before you can take the sword,” the old man stated, “You must first pass a series of tests that will try your strength, your will, and your wit.”
Bush considered this. “Ben Franklin says I get the sword now,” Bush said, holding out a one hundred dollar bill.
The old man snatched the bill in a blink of an eye. “You have passed the tests,” he pronounced, and then bowed as he handed the ancient sword to Bush.
“Kickass!” Bush exclaimed as he accepted the sword.
“Well, that could have gone a lot worse,” Scott declared as he began to look for an exit to the cave.
“Yeppers,” Bush answered as he put the sword in his belt. “Here’s your wallet back, by the way.”

“Another debate between the Democrats seeking the presidential nomination is scheduled for a week from now,” the anchorman said, “Pundits are expecting attacks against O’Yama since he is now the front-runner in the polls. O’Yama is expected to respond by destroying the city with giant hail stones.”
“Should be an exciting debate,” said the anchorwoman, “and now we go live to Iraq to hear from Iraqis exactly how they are affected by the accusations against Kobe Bryant…”
TO BE CONTINUED…

50 Comments

  3. Frank J’s “In My World”

    These are hits or misses with me. This one’s a hit. The screen then showed O’Yama, eyes glowing red with evil, giving a speech before a crowd of reporters. “When I am president, the oceans will boil, the cities will be destroyed in fire, and there will…

    Reply to this comment

  4. Hmmm, one hundred dollars for a demoncrat slaying sword? It sounds like, at least in the hinterlands, the Japanese economy is still at a low or they have gone overboard in the devaluation of the yen vs. the dollar.

    Reply to this comment

  6. O’Yama sounds a might too active to be a real democrat. I thought democrats just sat around and whined.
    I think he may be a communist who is using the democrat mental impairment to lead them around.
    Hey, why didn’t I think of that? Time to register as a democrat and head for the nearest cliff with my new followers!

    Reply to this comment

  14. “‘Your soul is mine!’ O’Yama yelled, and a beam emerged from his fingertips. Soon the moderator was reduced to nothing but a skeleton.”
    Excellent as usual, but I sure hope you’re wrong about the soul not including the skeleton. It would suck to have to ooze around the afterlife for eternity.

    Reply to this comment

  15. Fine,” Bush moaned, “Every time I’m getting ready to settle in for a restful weekend, I have to go on some mystic quest to Japan.”
    ROFL!!
    A classic. If there were ever any TV justice, the IMW would be their own series.

    Reply to this comment

  18. You know, there’s a truism that all great rock bands eventually turn to Asian influences on their way down. (Beatles, Areosmith, Zeppelin, Pearl Jam)
    There’s also a truism that TV shows on the wane always go on a grand adventure to a unique place. (Brady Bunch, Family Ties)
    I hope this Asian trip is not an omen of your demise.
    It would be interesting, though, to see if those truisms hold true for the blogosphere, though.

    Reply to this comment

  20. Hopefully, Bush will understand that O’Yama can’t be harmed directly, since he gathers his dark energy by draining the vitality of the living. Should O’Yama win the White House, even Crat-Cutter will be insuffient to stop him, as he will be able to suck the lifeforce out of all taxpayers and become all-powerful.
    Will Bush use Crat-Cutter to slash taxes even further, causing O’Yama and the rest of his Demoncrat minions to wither and perish?
    Will Bush use Crat-Cutter to hack away at federal spending, decapitate needless programs, and disembowel silly research grants, thus leaving Demoncrats no means to reward their zombie followers with cash and cushy jobs?
    Or will Bush lose his way in the Beltway Mists Of Distraction and the Federal Bog Of Obstruction, forget Crat-Cutter’s government-shrinking powers, and only use the mystic sword as a really excellent steak knife and super-nifty letter-opener?

    Reply to this comment

  26. “Before you can take the sword,” the old man stated, “You must first pass a series of tests that will try your strength, your will, and your wit.”
    Bush considered this. “Ben Franklin says I get the sword now,” Bush said, holding out a one hundred dollar bill.
    The old man snatched the bill in a blink of an eye. “You have passed the tests,” he pronounced, and then bowed as he handed the ancient sword to Bush.

    Dammit! Wish I’d tried that on my last mystical quest. It would have saved me a hell of a lot of trouble, let me tell you.

    Reply to this comment

  36. And here I thought O’Yama was some kind of play on “Yo’ Mama”. Frank works on so many levels. As far as I’m concerned,
    “Stop doing that!” Scott yelled, “And who is answering press questions while I’m gone?”
    “I told Rumsfeld to cover for you.”

    “Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he strangled a reporter.

    “Are you sure that’s a wise decision?” Scott asked.
    . . . is some of the best stuff I’ve read in months.

    Reply to this comment

  37. The Demoncrat

    Dean Esmay proclaims that this is the funniest thing currently making the rounds. He’s got my vote. A brief excerpt:The Democrat debate for the presidential nomination raged on as usual. “I hate Bush!” “I hate Bush more!” “I wish I had some policy ide…

    Reply to this comment

  45. Yo, VR
    What’s wrong with Jersey, except for the Governor, the Senators, the Assemblymen, the Freeholders, the Mayors, the Councilmen, the School Boards and Superintendents, Principals and Teachers, the Gun Laws, the Car Laws, the Juvenile laws where the made being a kid a crime, the Tired Motorists Go-To-Jail-For-Life-For-Being-Tired Law, the Taxes, the Reduced Homestead Rebates, the Stoopid Big Wheel Truck Inspection Law, the Pro Homo Law, the Farmland Socialist Peoples Preservation Act, the Hide Your Unregistered Car Or We Sieze It Law, the If This Gun Is Ever Produced It Will Outlaw All Other Guns Law…step in any time and help me finish, bro.
    Aside from that stuff, this is a very good state to pursue a mystical quest. Just stay out of my town-they’ll arrest you under the new “Stranger In Town Who’s On A Mystical Quest” Law they just passed.

    Reply to this comment

  47. I agree with ovenmitts. Bush is an imperialist expansionist. Why does he have to inject American values and beliefs into one of the oldest civilizations in the world? Hillary may not be well liked, but she couldn’t be half as bad as Bush, especially in this area.

    Reply to this comment

  48. What would it take?
    Seeing as how the sniveling commies have seized upon the Weapons of mass destruction issue to justify their support of the continued existance of the Saddam Hussein regime, just how much evidence will it take to get them to shut up?
    Suppose the nightmare scenario for the peace-loving leftists comes to pass: Saddam is killed or captured, the Iraqi people are at last assured that Saddam is indeed gone for good, and some for Iraqi bigwig screws up enough courage to lead coalition forces to the smoking gun-an underground bunker somewhere with a chemical weapons lab, and more importantly, a cache of chemical munitions cocked, locked, and ready to fire.
    Well, they were planted :rolleyes: We already know that’s going to be the first response. But suppose somebody the left regards as credible found them. Say Robert Fisk of the Independent narrowly escaped being lynched by by a gang of peace-loving Muslims who he was trying to portray as the innocent victims of American Imperialism, and the lack of oxygen affected his brain to the extent that his long dormant sense of journalistic integrity and common sense struggled to the surface again and he did the unthinkable-wrote a column based on facts and told the truth for the first time in his career.
    Yeah, I know, this ain’t ever going to happen, but we’re just supposing here. Would a single tractor trailer load of 155 mm howitzer shells loaded with VX be enough? How about a whole bunker full?
    Probably not. No doubt the airwaves would be sizzling with the condescening comments from liberal pundits telling us there’s no way a 155 mm howitzer could reach Picadilly, much less New York. But what they found some long range missles in another bunker? Say Jerusalem was in easy range of these missiles? No biggy. Every leftist worth his salt knows the filthy jews, er, excuse me, the hated Zionists, deserve what ever they get, so that wouldn’t do it, but suppose the missiles had enough range to reach Berlin or Paris? Would that do it? I mean setting aside the obvious argument that Saddam would have no reason to attack his allies in Europe, would irrefutable evidence of Iraq’s capability to strike a western nation with a VX tipped missile be enough to convince the sniveling whiners of the world that just maybe the regime change in Iraq was not a bad thing?
    Of course, no one ever suggested that the Iraqi army was going to storm ashore in Chesapeake Bay, or Great Britain would suffer a second blitz beneath a wave of Iraqi ICBMs, the real threat has always been some nut smuggling something nasty into a western port in a conex container, but even the 9/11 attacks have failed to convince Saddam’s fans that he would even consider doing a thing like that :rolleyes: but I’m just interested in knowing what it would take to get the left to STFU.
    Nothing? No, I’m pretty sure a 9/11 style attack on a metropolitan area in Europe would result in campaign of retribution in Arabia that would make Jihad look like a sorority hazing, but aside from that.
    We’ve already learned that humanitarian concerns don’t bother the caring, compassionate liberals. Mass graves,,institutional torture, support of baby murdering terrorists, none of that matters to the dedicated defenders of human rights in the world unless they can some how link it to the United States through a Bolshevik version of Six Degrees of Seperation.
    But the weapons of mass destruction issue is the one they’ve chosen to stand on. Not surprising, as it’s hard to make a moral case for supporting a regime that makes Mussolini’s Italy look like Euro-Disney, so they’ve chosen to ignore it. It could be said that even Hitler was kind to animals and SS troopers look really kewl in black leather, but Saddam hated house pets and Baghdad Bob is not likely to appear in any Calvin Klein commercials, so even the most fervent U.S. surplus corn-fed Commie is at a loss when it comes to finding reasons why Saddam shouldn’t be decorating a lamp post in downtown Baghdad. So tell us, what would it take?

    Reply to this comment

  50. My goat was got

    Kelley of Suburban Blight has the Cul-de-Sac up, and very kindly mentions my post about my moral dilemma on linking to a bigotted blogger. She also apprised me of the unfortunate retirement of S-Train from blogging. So, rather than my own link-fest, yo…

    Reply to this comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.