“I would just like to say that the misdeeds of the Bush Administration can not go ignored!” Ted Kennedy said on the Senate floor, “He’s like a drunkenness that overtakes us and causes us to careen off a bridge. Maybe we can get ourselves out of that car, but there are still others left, sinking inside. Calling the police would seem to some to be the best course of action, but that’s not what I’m going to do. That’s not what the American people would want. That’s…”
A bell rung.
“RECESS!!!”
The Congress all cheered and ran out back to the Capitol playground. Some went for the swing sets while others played hop scotch. Another group played touch football.
“You tagged me too hard!” Voinovich yelled and then started crying.
“Give the ball back!” Frist yelled at Hillary.
“No! It’s mine!” Hillary answered, running off.
Unknown to Congress, they were being watched from afar.
President Bush set down his binoculars. “Good, the fools are all at recess. It is time to unleash… THE BOLTON! Muh ha ha ha!”
“Are you mad?” Scott McClellan shouted, “He’s been locked in there waiting for a vote for weeks now! He’s gotten even crazier! He’ll…”
Scott was silenced with a backhand to the face. “Quiet, fool!” Bush yelled. “Condi, will do the honors and release him?”
“Certainly,” Condoleezza Rice answered as she smiled evilly. She then grabbed a rope connected to a lock on the steel doors. With a yank, the lock was undone. Suddenly, the iron doors were smashed open.
“Bolton smash!” Bolton screamed, his mustache bristling with anger, “Bolton destroy!”
“Control him!” Bush commanded Condi.
“You want to destroy the U.N.,” Condi told Bolton in a soothing voice, “It’s the U.N. you hate.”
“Bolton… crush… U.N.!” Bolton shouted and then stomped off.
A red rubber ball landed near Bush’s feet. Harry Reid then came running after it grumbling, “If Santorum was the one who kicked it so hard, he should have to go get it.” Reid then saw Bush and Bolton storming off in the distance. “You appointed Bolton while we were at recess!” he shouted at Bush, “You’re a doo-doo head! That’s what you are!”
“Get back to recess,” Bush answered as he picked up the ball, “I’ll help you play.” He threw the ball as hard as he could into Reid’s face, knocking him to the ground and breaking his glasses. “There, you’re out.”
“We were playing kickball, not dodgeball,” Reid cried. “You’re the meanest President ever!”
“Throw him into the Pit of Doom!” Bush commanded Scott.
“We don’t have a Pit of Doom.”
“Then throw him into the… uh… Potomac.”
“That’s not really my job as Press Secretary…”
Bush smacked Scott again. “DO IT!”
“The Bolton is coming!” Kofi Annan screeched, “Someone fill out the paperwork needed to allow guns to be fired in defense of the U.N.”
The bureaucrats got hard at work. Kofi then handed the papers out to the armed guards instructing them on the two places they had to initial and where to sign and date at the bottom.
“Bolton destroy U.N.!” came a cry. Kofi looked out to see Bolton emerge from the water, walking in steady pace towards the U.N. Headquarters.
“Quick!” Kofi screamed, “Someone notarize those documents so we can begin shooting at him!”
A couple notary publics raced to stamp the documents. Then, the guard opened fire on Bolton.
This made Bolton so enraged he put his hand on his hips. He shouted, “‘Stache Strength!” and then his mustached glowed until the glow covered all of Bolton. Now the bullets merely deflected off of him as he continued slowly walking towards the U.N. Headquarters.
“The Bolton is unstoppable!” screamed one aide.
“What do we do now?” a diplomat cried.
Kofi Annan stood still as he watched Bolton come ever closer. “We die.”
“In local news, a tubby man was seen throwing Senator Reid into the Potomac,” the anchorwoman said, “Now back to our top story: The U.N. Headquarters, upon accepting Bolton as the U.S. Ambassador, has been reduced to a radioactive pile of rubble.”
“Bolton ‘reformed’ the U.N. even quicker than I hoped,” Bush laughed, “Muh ha ha ha!”
“No evil laughter in bed!” Laura shouted as she turned off the T.V.
“Sorry, dear.”
I thought Nixon built a Pit of Doom? Or was that a swimming pool…
Either way, a Pit of Doom MUST be built!
Great one, Frank,
P.S. – First
Shiny!
Ahhhh, would that there could be a pit of doom.
Well done, Frank.
Are the U.N. guards actually allowed to fire without a resolution approved by both the General Assembly and Security Council, though? And isn’t there some reasonable waiting period, like several lifetimes? Maybe Bolton just doesn’t merit the treatment that Saddam Hussein gets. That’s probably it.
LOL !
LOL !!
LOL !!!!!
And I’ve only read 15% of this so far.
Back for the rest.
LOL..Ok, I think this was best ever.. LOL
Thank you Frank.. LOL
LOL
HaHa ha
LOL
Great job, Frank! Funny stuff, as usual. You even worked in a Last Starfighter reference, there. I’m impressed. :o)
The guards needing paperwork reminds me of an old Know Thy Enemy.
http://www.imao.us/archives/002413.html
Shouldn’t there be some mention of Amy Goodman twittering with rage over the UN’s attempted use of force?
– MuscleDaddy
Kudos on the Last Starfighter reference.
I wish I could grow a decent mustache, like John Bolton. Then, I too could have Stashe Strength.
And you know what else is funny? Mrs. Azlib tells me all the time that I need to cut out the evil laughter while in bed. I wonder if she’s ever met Laura Bush?
Technically speaking, I believe the correct term is “doody head,” and not “doo-doo head.”
I don’t remember anything about Bolton in the Last Starfighter . . .
hilarious!
“We die.”
twas a nice dream…
Sweet. I’m a sucker for cheap cracks at Kennedy.
That was hilarious. Pit of Doom? We need a Pit of Doom.
//Sweet. I’m a sucker for cheap cracks at Kennedy.//
HERE, HERE!!! or Hear, Hear, take your pick….but my 13 year old who has not yet received her “Chomps, Hippies make me angry T-shirt” from Cafepress is asking “Where is Chomps, couldn’t he sidekick the BOLTON?? There’s Ted Kennedy, right there on the playground, why isn’t Chomps chewing on him?”
Make a 13 year old reader happy, Frank.
TEEEEEEJ
WHAT????
WHERE
IS
KOJO!!!!!!!!!
Emperor Kodo and the Zur armada condem the reckless use of the “Bolton” option. Asteroid guns are far superior, and more culturally representitive.
The Bolton will drink the blood of the impotent, and dine on the livers of the unjust.
Where was the part where The Bolton stood on the rubble of the UN and ripped out Kofi’s heart and showed it to him?
Wow, stashe strength. If he can fire a kamehameha or special beam cannon, you can make a anime out of him.
Best…In My World…EVER!
Loved the Last Starfighter reference, but why no allusion to the little plastic amber lens-thingy that always swiveled over the prune-faced guy? That was the defining moment of TLS.
Very funny. Excellent story. I think I’ll read it to the kids tonight as a bed time story.
heh heh heh
I’m never going to pass by the East River again without seeing Bolton coming out of the dark murky waters to storm the UN
Speaking of replacing people…
TLC conspiracy uncovered!
blah blah blah blah blah blah