Creating a controversy is hard. I’ve noticed that when people like Ann Coulter have a book out, they say something really controversial to get on TV. Thus, in my last editorial, I took the position that we should kill all Arab children in the hopes people would condemn me and thus I’d get free publicity for my new book.
No one said a thing.
But some other blogger simply quotes my editorial and he gets condemned by CAIR until he’s shut down. Now CAIR is crowing about how they got rid of the guy who quoted me (they even have a screenshot of the offending post that got them in an uproar where 90% of it is an excerpt of my editorial), but they are completely ignoring me. They claim to be on the lookout for more “hate sites” in Florida, but here I am with my hate site. And it is a hate site because I hate CAIR. They’re a bunch of little whiny goobers who make a big uproar anytime a Muslim is looked at funny but have nothing to say for the countless evils being perpetrated by Muslims all over the world as you read this.
So, obviously, it’s up to me to help Muslims in their PR crisis which is only made worse by the terrorists sympathizers at CAIR. The thing is, it’s really not that hard to be liked in America, but it’s all about actions. If the new chair for the House Intelligence Committee can’t be bothered to know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite, you can’t expect the average America to actually study the intricacies of the Muslim faith to determine whether Islam really is a peaceful religion. Instead, we’re going to judge Islam on what we see, and what we see right now are a bunch of violent morons happily stuck in the seventh century as they kill innocent people and each other and others whining about how people judge Muslims harshly because all the Muslims people see on TV are either violent morons or those whining about how people judge Muslims harshly.
With that as the status quo, people are going to just naturally be suspicious of Muslims, and more whining about the situation will only make it worse. This situation will be easy to fix if Muslims just take my advice.
First off, no whining. Ever. And I mean ever. It doesn’t matter how horribly you’ve been treated, don’t whine about it. Americans hate injustice, but we hate whiners even more. If you’re Muslim and get interviewed about something, never talk about anything other than how much you hate terrorists:
REPORTER: Are you disturbed about the new airline regulations that all Muslims must now be handcuffed to their seats on all airline flights?
MUSLIM: Why are you asking me about something so insignificant as airline regulations when there are terrorists out there in need of killing? Why don’t you trade that camera in for a rifle and shoot some terrorists yourself and stop being so useless?
Currently, when an American sees a Muslim, he’s likely to think, “Hey! He’s either a terrorist or a whiner! I hope he gets treated horribly!” But, if Muslims take my advice, then Americans are likely to think, “That Muslim could be one of those guys I’ve seen on TV who really really hates Muslims. I should be nice to him.” So, by not whining about bad treatment and focusing on Americans’ real concerns, Muslims can get themselves better treatment.
Of course, the biggest PR problem for Muslims are all those murderous ‘tards and the murderous Muslim governments. Some say Muslims should be as peaceful as possible to combat this image, but that’s really stupid. The violent idiots are always going to dominate the news even if they are a small percentage, so the obvious tactic is to gain positive coverage with more acts of violence.
It’s important to remember that Americans love violence… but not random violence to nice people. Look at this typical exchange you will often hear in America:
AMERICAN1: A man was beaten to death with a baseball bat!
AMERICAN2: That’s horrible!
AMERICAN1: But the man beaten to death molested children.
AMERICAN2: Oh! Awesome!
American love to see horrible violence perpetrated against bad people. Watch any action film and see what happens to the bad guy in the end; American are always disappointed by the end of a film if the bad guy isn’t killed in some horrible way.
Thus, Muslims can use violence to get Americans to like them. If numerous Muslims just killed terrorists with the furor they often kill Jewish children and woman who have been raped, people would say, “Hey! Those Muslims are awesome!” What Muslims really need to get on TV is the image of some guy being dragged out of a mosque and then ripped apart limb from limb. And, when reporters ask why, the perpetrators would say, “We found out this guy was planning to blow up a daycare center, so we murdered him until there was nothing left to murder!” If Americans saw that, they’d be like, “Wow! Those guys rock! I want to buy them all a round of beer!” If Palestinians bashed a couple guys heads in with rocks and we then found out the reason for that is because the murdered were planning to kill Jews, Americans would say, “Those Palestinians there have their heads on straight. They should get their own state… maybe Syria.”
It’s that simple. If Muslims only ever talk about how much they hate terrorists and have numerous bloody spectacles of them killing terrorists, then it will become really cool to be a Muslim in America. Organization like CAIR that promote whining and sympathizing with terrorists only get people to be suspicious of Muslims, and it’s really working. In fact, if you’re Muslim, please don’t e-mail me about this editorial because you scare me.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “Violence Is Aerobic: How I Lost Fifty Pounds Beating Muggers to Death”.
//CONTACT: CAIR–Tampa Executive Director Ahmed Bedier, 813-731-9506, E-Mail: abedier@cair-florida.org; CAIR National Communications Director Ibrahim Hooper, 202-488-8787 or 202-744-7726, E-Mail: ihooper@cair.com; CAIR Communications Coordinator Rabiah Ahmed, 202-488-8787 or 202-439-1441, E-Mail: rahmed@cair.com; CAIR Communications Coordinator Amina Rubin, 202-488-8787, E-Mail: arubin@cair.com//
Here’s all their emails and phone numbers. Maybe we could mass contact them to let them know what retards they are for not giving you full credit?
Excellent post FrankJ. If this was truly going on we would have more sympathy for Muslims but since they just complain about dirty looks being thrown at them and don’t talk at all about Muslims throwing bombs they are seen as whining hypocrites. If the Palestinians actually were worthy of a nation they would have had one. Plus why did they leave Israel in the first place to be demanding a return? Oh thats right bailed on them in the face of an Muslim war. I believe the Palestinians who didn’t leave are still given more rights than the deserters.
That was great.
Muslims whine up and down that they are mistreated.
I guess they want us to be nice to them before they try and behead us?
Oh,
I could also go for Mooslims whacking people like John Kerry, or any other apologist of stupidity.
If a mooslim nutjob were to suddenly conduct a ‘self-actuated expansion’ in the vicinity of jhimmi carter, I could see having a holiday for them.
Excellent piece once again, Frank! Don’t hold your breath waiting for a rag hea–err–muslim to perpetrate violence against a terrorist rather than innocent Joooos! On top of being whiners, I also see these pricks as pussies who only pick on women and children because if they came over here and picked on the rest of us we’d kick their asses and they know it! Bring it Abdul you bitch!
Great post Frank!
Nah. Give ’em Jordan. Flag’s close enough already. Sort of like that star belly sneetches story.
This is very funny! And, also, very true…
jb
Hey! No fair! One of my favorite of your running gags is the “author of such books as” bit. But now that you have actually written a book you are only listed one fake book! We are now only getting 50% as much humor!
Sadly, most muslims won’t stand up. Some may live in communities where it’s not safe to do so. Out here, well, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. They don’t want the attention. They’ve overstayed their visas and just want to work and make a better life.
I wish I were a mind reader so I’d know the good from the bad. Educated guess: The former outnumber the latter.
Your thoughts?
Frank, great article! Much better than killing kids.Like I said, I hate CAIR as well. Madcap, your conservative critic.www.globalconservative.com
I wholeheartedly agree, Frank. Hey! Maybe we could get muslims to take over executing our own criminals. You know, no “needle mistakes”, just one good “swoosh” and its over. Then Americans would love muslims. And tree trimming!! No more illegal mexicans. Just one good “swoosh” and its over!!
Wow!! Think of what muslims could do for this country if they weren’t trying to kill us and whining about how mad we get about them trying to kill us…
Howzabout this? We change the name of “American Idol” to “American Infidel”, and then when some shrieking no-talent whore gets a two-out-of-three thumbs down, swoosh! off with their head, live and in HD!
Then at the end of the season when they crown a winner, if they foist a no-talent doofus like Taylor Hicks on us, swoosh! off with Simon, Paula and Randy’s head! C’mon now, that’s ratings gold!
Check the screenshot – CAIR is using Macs. Typical.
You are a horrible person! What did we Muslims ever do to you? Should I say (even tho’ I am an American (100%) that ALL AMERICAN’s are terrorists because of timothy McVeigh? I am gonna report you to the police! You are a racist, zenephobic Murderer!
See, this is where I get confused. Was that last post satirical or someone really angry who doesn’t know how to spell “xenophobic?”
Personally, I’m Xenaphobic. Tall New Zealander women with dartk hair and leather scare me.
Strangely, Tall blonde Cylon New Zealander women in a nice white cotton button up don’t scare me as much.
Mmmmm, a bevy of beauriful Number 3’s (or is it 8’s?)
“You are a horrible person! What did we Muslims ever do to you? Should I say (even tho’ I am an American (100%) that ALL AMERICAN’s are terrorists because of timothy McVeigh? I am gonna report you to the police! You are a racist, zenephobic Murderer!”
I’ll take that one on.
Though you might not like the way he put it, the central suggestion of Franks piece is that the Muslim world doesn’t take care of it’s own terrorists. Nice thing you brought up Timothy McVeigh. He’s dead! We took care or it. If your culture eliminated it’s own terrorists than we would be mush less compelled to come over their and eliminate them. What part of that don’t you understand?
When we come over and try to eliminate terrorist we hit a lot of innocent people along with the terrorists. That of course produces a lot of resistance, but please promote more terrorism so we feel even more compelled to send troops over there, regardless. Oh yes, it would be much easier if Islamic society took care of the problem without us. It’s obvious your not.
The extremism of Timothy McVeigh was an aberration. As much as we scream at each other in this society, politically motivated violence within our society is rare. It’s rampant in your culture. Look at Algeria for example, 100 Thousand dead from Islamist extremists over the last two decades and it didn’t have a damn thing to do with America. Look at the boarders of you culture. The extremists have created war everywhere and you barley lift a finger against them.
Fact is about 1/3 of Muslims hate the terrorism, about 1/3 justify it or don’t care, and 1/3 are in open support. It’s also quite evident you’ll all bow down to extremists and willingly kiss their asses too.