Archive of entries posted on 18th December 2006

Today’s Simpsons Trivia

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(Introduction)

1) Who says “Are you ready to get Duffed?”
2) Who is forced to walk down the street with his pants around his ankles for all to see?
3) Which immigrant in Springfield actually got deported once?
4) According to Grampa, he had to use the word “dickety” because the Kaiser stole what word?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Watch Them Furrow the Brows of Their Dumb Monkey Faces as They Try and Understand Humor

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If you want some hilarity, watch these pedantic idiots debate in the comments whether my piece about killing Arab children is officially satire (here and here). It makes you wonder if morons have ever seen any actual humor in their lives. Sure, they probably laugh like hyenas “laugh” when someone compares Bush to a chimp, but it’s just beyond my imagination that people who spend so much time navel gazing about an absurd blog post are capable of an actual form of humor.
Here is basically Amanda of Pandagon’s argument:

“When, in The Three Stooges, the rich man was hit in the face with a pie, that would only constitute actual satire if Moe threw the pie with the intention of condemning the idea of preemptive strikes, otherwise he really is for killing Muslim children.”

These people are so clueless, I just want to grab them by the neck and shake them until they get some sense… or, at least, become unconscious. Just look how many comments they wrote over some of the dumbest and most obvious jokes. It even says on my post that the whole point of it was to try and generate controversy. Can I spell things out for people anymore than that? It’s like these people are standing around watching a fish flop around on a beach while debating what nature of horse it is. Hello!
What fed the flames here is that Captain Ed compared me to Swift. I’m nothing like Swift, though, and I have no desire to be. Have you read “A Modest Proposal”? Sure, it’s clever and smartly written, but it’s not laugh out loud funny. Also, it’s very long. See, I write dumb humor to make people with short attention spans laugh out loud, not smart satire that merits a few chuckles and get you to exclaim, “That was so marvelously clever!” In that way, I aim much more for The Three Stooges than Jonathan Swift (Full Disclosure: I don’t recall having ever actually watched The Three Stooges, but my understanding is the program is not very cerebral. I did read “A Modest Proposal” back in my junior year of high school and remember being impressed by it if not particularly tickled). Thus, if you’re missing the humor at IMAO, you’re looking far too hard for it.
Or it’s just not your cup of tea. Some people find Carrot Top funny, God bless ’em; we just don’t all share the same sense of humor.
Well, so far my attempt to create controversy to promote my book has shut down one unrelated blogger and caused a bunch liberals to droll on endlessly about the nature of “satire.” Considering what they might have been doing otherwise, we can consider the second one a plus.

Christmas Carnival of the Cats

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Since I have nothing better to do on Christmas Eve than go out and destroy Nativity scenes and file lawsuits against the local government for putting up Christian holiday symbols without including corresponding Jewish holiday icons, the 144th Carnival of the Cats is heading overhere to IMAO on Christmas Eve 2006.
To join, just send your catblogging URL to submissions (at) carnivalofthecats.com or use The Carnival Submission Form.
The more cats participating, the less time I will have to spend with my Jewish friends and family with law degrees.
If you’re really nice, I’ll fire up some streaming video of the Yule Litterbox again.

If Muslims Want to Improve Their Image, More of Them Need to Be Violent
An Editorial by Frank J.

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 Creating a controversy is hard. I’ve noticed that when people like Ann Coulter have a book out, they say something really controversial to get on TV. Thus, in my last editorial, I took the position that we should kill all Arab children in the hopes people would condemn me and thus I’d get free publicity for my new book.

 No one said a thing.

 But some other blogger simply quotes my editorial and he gets condemned by CAIR until he’s shut down. Now CAIR is crowing about how they got rid of the guy who quoted me (they even have a screenshot of the offending post that got them in an uproar where 90% of it is an excerpt of my editorial), but they are completely ignoring me. They claim to be on the lookout for more “hate sites” in Florida, but here I am with my hate site. And it is a hate site because I hate CAIR. They’re a bunch of little whiny goobers who make a big uproar anytime a Muslim is looked at funny but have nothing to say for the countless evils being perpetrated by Muslims all over the world as you read this.

“The violent idiots are always going to dominate the news even if they are a small percentage, so the obvious tactic is to gain positive coverage with more acts of violence.”

 So, obviously, it’s up to me to help Muslims in their PR crisis which is only made worse by the terrorists sympathizers at CAIR. The thing is, it’s really not that hard to be liked in America, but it’s all about actions. If the new chair for the House Intelligence Committee can’t be bothered to know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite, you can’t expect the average America to actually study the intricacies of the Muslim faith to determine whether Islam really is a peaceful religion. Instead, we’re going to judge Islam on what we see, and what we see right now are a bunch of violent morons happily stuck in the seventh century as they kill innocent people and each other and others whining about how people judge Muslims harshly because all the Muslims people see on TV are either violent morons or those whining about how people judge Muslims harshly.

 With that as the status quo, people are going to just naturally be suspicious of Muslims, and more whining about the situation will only make it worse. This situation will be easy to fix if Muslims just take my advice.

 First off, no whining. Ever. And I mean ever. It doesn’t matter how horribly you’ve been treated, don’t whine about it. Americans hate injustice, but we hate whiners even more. If you’re Muslim and get interviewed about something, never talk about anything other than how much you hate terrorists:

REPORTER: Are you disturbed about the new airline regulations that all Muslims must now be handcuffed to their seats on all airline flights?
MUSLIM: Why are you asking me about something so insignificant as airline regulations when there are terrorists out there in need of killing? Why don’t you trade that camera in for a rifle and shoot some terrorists yourself and stop being so useless?

 Currently, when an American sees a Muslim, he’s likely to think, “Hey! He’s either a terrorist or a whiner! I hope he gets treated horribly!” But, if Muslims take my advice, then Americans are likely to think, “That Muslim could be one of those guys I’ve seen on TV who really really hates Muslims. I should be nice to him.” So, by not whining about bad treatment and focusing on Americans’ real concerns, Muslims can get themselves better treatment.

 Of course, the biggest PR problem for Muslims are all those murderous ‘tards and the murderous Muslim governments. Some say Muslims should be as peaceful as possible to combat this image, but that’s really stupid. The violent idiots are always going to dominate the news even if they are a small percentage, so the obvious tactic is to gain positive coverage with more acts of violence.

 It’s important to remember that Americans love violence… but not random violence to nice people. Look at this typical exchange you will often hear in America:

AMERICAN1: A man was beaten to death with a baseball bat!
AMERICAN2: That’s horrible!
AMERICAN1: But the man beaten to death molested children.
AMERICAN2: Oh! Awesome!

 American love to see horrible violence perpetrated against bad people. Watch any action film and see what happens to the bad guy in the end; American are always disappointed by the end of a film if the bad guy isn’t killed in some horrible way.

 Thus, Muslims can use violence to get Americans to like them. If numerous Muslims just killed terrorists with the furor they often kill Jewish children and woman who have been raped, people would say, “Hey! Those Muslims are awesome!” What Muslims really need to get on TV is the image of some guy being dragged out of a mosque and then ripped apart limb from limb. And, when reporters ask why, the perpetrators would say, “We found out this guy was planning to blow up a daycare center, so we murdered him until there was nothing left to murder!” If Americans saw that, they’d be like, “Wow! Those guys rock! I want to buy them all a round of beer!” If Palestinians bashed a couple guys heads in with rocks and we then found out the reason for that is because the murdered were planning to kill Jews, Americans would say, “Those Palestinians there have their heads on straight. They should get their own state… maybe Syria.”

 It’s that simple. If Muslims only ever talk about how much they hate terrorists and have numerous bloody spectacles of them killing terrorists, then it will become really cool to be a Muslim in America. Organization like CAIR that promote whining and sympathizing with terrorists only get people to be suspicious of Muslims, and it’s really working. In fact, if you’re Muslim, please don’t e-mail me about this editorial because you scare me.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “Violence Is Aerobic: How I Lost Fifty Pounds Beating Muggers to Death”.