After an explosion outside a recruiting facility in New York’s Times Square, the Army says they are not interested in the perpetrator due to his demonstrated lack of talent at killing foreigners.

Officer Pat O’Malley turns away in disgust at the bombing scene’s lack of dead foreigners.

“Frankly, I’d barely even call this an act of vandalism,” said Army recruiter Paul Boyce. “There was a pop & a puff of smoke. Total damage – one broken window. Hell, my son breaks more than that playing baseball in our back yard. My point is, the Army is all about killing foreigners. If you can’t do that, I don’t care about you. The only way a foreigner could’ve died from this is if he’d breathed the smoke & died of lung cancer. This guy just isn’t Army material.”
Another recruiter at the station, Terry Leighton, was equally dismissive of the suspect’s foreigner killing ability. “Right now, they’re suspecting that this guy may have exploded equally pathetic devices outside the Mexican and British consulates. Total number of dead foreigners in those incidents – zero. How could he screw this up? This is New York City! You can practically buy nukes on the street corner, and you can’t flick a cigarette butt into the gutter without setting a foreigner on fire. Trust me, I tried it once.”
Leighton reminds readers that all potential Army recruits must meet the following requirements:
* Be between 17 and 42 years of age.
* Be an American citizen.
* Enjoy killing foreigners.
* Not be a retarded, bicycle-riding douchebag who explodes devices with less destructive power than a Mentos dropped in a bottle of Diet Coke.