“It is so good to finally meet you,” Jimmy Carter said to the leader of Hamas. “I hope this discussion can help further peace.”
“Kill the jooooos!” yelled the leader of Hamas.
“Yes, I know your grievances and I sympathize,” Carter said. “So what concessions do you want?”
“Die! Joooos die!” replied the leader of Hamas.
“And your adamant about that?”
“Push joooos into the sea!”
Carter thought for a moment. “You’d have to file an environmental impact statement for that.”
“Bash joooos with rocks!”
Carter nodded. “That seems reasonable to me… but I doubt Israel will see it that way. They’re so stubborn.”
“Destroy Israel!”
Carter leaned over and whispered to the leader of Hamas. “Don’t tell anyone, but I agree with you there.”
The leader of Hamas whispered back, “Kill the jooooos.”
Carter smiled and nodded. “Well, I think we made great progress. Hopefully this can lead to you all getting the nation you richly deserve.” He shook the leader of Hamas’s hand. “Goodbye.”
“Kill the joooos.”
When Carter left the meeting room, he saw President Bush standing outside. “What are you doing here?”
“You’re meeting with terrorists,” Bush said. “So off to Gitmo with you.”
“But I’m a Nobel Peace Prize winner!”
Bush punched Carter in the face. He then took Carter’s Nobel Peace Prize. “I defeated you in combat, so the peace prize is mine!”
“I don’t think it works that way.”
“Then why do I also have Al Gore’s?” Bush snapped to his Secret Service who grabbed Carter and shoved him in a wooden crate. Bush then put the lid on and sealed it with a nail gun.
The leader of Hamas came out and looked quite surprised by the scene. “Kill the joooos?!”
“He goes to Gitmo too,” Bush told the Secret Service. They shoved the leader of Hamas into another wooden crate which Bush also sealed. He then took out a black Sharpie and wrote “To Gitmo” in big letters on both crates.
Bush turned to his Secret Service. “Send them UPS Ground.”
I am a lover of hard news reporting as much as anyone else, and I do appreciate the unfettered access you have to the Oval Office and attached torture chambers, but I must protest some of the national secrets you bravely reveal.
For instance, inadvertently disclosing that the President uses a “black Sharpie” to address his wooden crates and cages when shipping them could allow copycats to ship themselves to Gitmo at public expense. This would allow them access to Gitmo without first going through the CIA’s mind control apparatus, a national security risk. They would still face the challenge of forging the President’s handwriting and doing a properly embossed national seal, but as your readers are doubtless aware, security is all about defense in depth.
Other than that small slip, this is a truly valuable service.
Bush punched Carter in the face. He then took Carter’s Nobel Peace Prize. “I defeated you in combat, so the peace prize is mine!”
quite possibly your best line in a long time.
#2
You stole my post you magnificent bastard.
#3 you stole my comment!
Shackle them together and make them walk/swim to Gitmo.
Semper Fi
“black Sharpie”
I’m going to have to come there and demand a donation to the Rainbow Coalition if you keep up with that racist stuff.
You owe me $3. I just snorted half of a very expensive espresso through my nose. B@stard.
Please, please, PLEASE can we bring back the days of “Trial by Combat”? I would buy the pay-per-view to see Bush punch Carter in the face and take his prize. Come to think of it… I might pay to see just about anybody punch him in the face. If we could get someone to punch Al Gore in the face too you could sell twice as many viewings. Supply and Demand Works!
The only way thing that could have made this better was to have Bush draw a this side up arrow pointing to the ground on the box.
Bush turned to his Secret Service. “Send them UPS Ground.”
Ha! Even the President doesn’t trust the postal service to deliver something correctly.
If we could get someone to punch Al Gore in the face too you could sell twice as many viewings.
I’d do it, but he’s gotten so fat that I don’t think that my arms would reach his face.
//Bush turned to his Secret Service. “Send them UPS Ground.”//
NO you fool!! use DHL!!!
When Bush punched Carter in the face and took his Nobel Peace Price…I so got a boner!
Of all the IMW’s I’ve read, I wish this one were true – the most! I’m also imagining a news conference where Bush mouths-off against Carter and Gore. You know? Like really nasty.
Five Gorebal Carter stars, Frank.
Nah, use FedEx Smartpost. If you Woot, you know what I mean.
Thanks! Made my day with that one.
Reporter: “Mr. President, how can you say that about Mr. Carter? After all, we have a submarine named after him!”
Bush: “Well that was a mistake by Congress. The USS Ronald Reagan would kick that submarine in the butt.”
Reporter: “Even if the crew has boners, sir?”
Bush: “Yeah. Especially then.”
Some one tell this sawed off throwback he isn’t President any more, so he doesn’t need to keep selling us out. At least we arent paying him anymore for it… wait a minute.
#12 posted by ussjimmycarter
Wow…….Ummmmm,…. yaaaahhh…..
I’m gonna have to go ahead and ask you,… not to do that anymore,….mmm-kay,…great…..
State Department is now asking him not to go.
Better solution: Condi personally confiscates his passport and has him arrested if he meets with Hamas.
“Bush punched Carter in the face.”
Such sweet sweet words.
Just mahvlus!
Not my submarine! Know who the 2nd most powerful guy in the world is? The commander of the USSJimmy Carter. He has enough fire power to destroy the Soviet Union and China before breakfast! The Ronald Reagan would have to find my ship first which would be impossible because we run silent and deep and strike without surfacing! I love that a ship this awesome is named after a dufus like Jimma’… We’d just lead the Ronald Reagan or any other surface ship deep into the ice fields to their frozen deaths as we depart under said ice to complete our mission… Muhahahahah!!!!!
Jimmy, I agree only if Condi gets to kick him in the nads also!
Reporter: “Is it true that ussjimmycarter has been dispatched to the Middle East to handle the Carter situation?”
Bush: “And Condi has my permission to bitch-slap that sonofabeach and bring him home.”
Reporter: “No, sir, I asked about the ussjimmycarter.”
Bush: “Oh. See, the ussjimmycarter is for special op’s. It can literally kick the flyin’ candyass outta anythin’. We’re sending Condi along to make it official.”
Reporter: “Are you saying that BOTH Condi Rice and ussjimmycarter are to perform special operations on the former President, Jimmy Carter?”
Bush: “Well, I can’t go into specifics, but you could say so, yes. See, ussjimmycarter will hold him and Condi will kick those tiny nads right off him. It’ll be a double whammy. After that, they’ll extract his head from his rectum. He’s been inverted like that for a long time.”
Reporter: “Ah… Thank you Mr. President. That’s ah… um… amazing.”
Jimma’ should be encouraged to go to Syria for talks. Once he’s there he should be indicted as a terrorist sympathizer, stripped of his citizenship as well as his secret service protection and any and all money paid to him from the US government.
What happens to the Peacenik after that is none of our concern. But I’ll just bet after a couple of months of listening to his blather the Syrians pay us to take him back.
Deeply satisfying on so many levels. And long overdue. We’d have been better off with Billy Carter as president.
You people mystify me. Why do you want to stop jimma carter from meeting with hamas?
You should be encouraging him to go. If we’re lucky, they’ll take him hostage.
In fact, you should turn your considerable collective intellect towards finding a way to make this happen.
George, probably because they wouldn’t take him hostage. They’d get on TV with the toothy twoofy traitor and sound like good guys.
The only way your idea would work would be to start a world-wide internet rumor that he’s a viscious, Jew-loving spy with explosives and he’s there for an assassination attempt against Hamas.
I woke up this morning and still have wood! Does this mean I have to go to the hospital and get a needle stuck into my big boy? I just can’t get the image of a fist in Carter’s face out of my mind…sweet!
//I woke up this morning and still have wood! Does this mean I have to go to the hospital and get a needle stuck into my big boy? I just can’t get the image of a fist in Carter’s face out of my mind…sweet!
#29 – Posted by: ussjimmycarter on April 11, 2008 07:31 AM//
Well be careful on your drive USSJC, cause the roads suck today. And the Tax Rally is probably out tomorrow at the capital.
Totally homoerotic.