The Perfect McCain Slogan

That about sums it up.
(profanity warning)
Certainly haven’t come up with a better one myself.

People Who Don’t Like Me Assume I Have Magical Mind-Reading Powers

You don’t know how many times I get angry hate mail where I have no idea what the person is talking about. Obviously, some person looking for porn accidentally stumbled onto an old post and then sends me an e-mail ranting about it but not telling what post made the person angry as he apparently assumes I’ll psychically know what the hell he is talking about.
Here’s an e-mail I got today (usual rules on profanity in hate mail apply):

SUBJECT: screw you ronin
Uh, I don’t know who you are or where you are from, but screw you if you want to make fun of us. We are not all hillbilly’s. We don’t mind the river flooding, I’d rather it flood then be stuck in a damn earthquake and fall into the earth in Cali! We do get personalized license plates and I think we can spell better than you ronin. Yes we do have all our teeth and not more than we should ronin. You have really offended me and this state, if I ever catch you around here you will see what a redneck can happily do to you, you stupid piece of eight! I know you are probably one of those “I don’t give a banana hammock who I offend people”, but let me tell you brother, you are going to burn in hell for talking about people like that. Have a nice day idiot.

From context, I’m guessing he read one of Harvey’s “Fun Facts About the 50 States” posts (they’re under Fun Trivia as I apparently wasn’t smart enough to make a separate category for them), but not only does he not tell me what post he’s reacting to, he doesn’t even give me a clue of what state I need to stay out of to avoid being beaten by rednecks. How do people this stupid even get on the internet? I e-mailed for clarification — as I do every time this sort of thing happens — but if history is any indication, I shouldn’t expect a response.
UPDATE:
I googled some of things mentioned in the e-mail and my best guess is he’s from Mississippi and reacting to this post by Harvey. Someone takes his state a little too seriously.
When did Mississippi get the internet?

Superdelegate FAQ

Q. Why do the Democrats have superdelegates?
A. Democrats got burned by democracy in many previous elections, so they decided that after the long primary battle between Democratic candidates for the president, they’ll just go ahead and have their elites pick the winner.
Q. So why even have the primary process and not just have the superdelegates pick the winner?
A. The Democrats know they need to keep their voters busy or they might try thinking for themselves.
Q. The Democrats claim that the superdelegates only enhances the primary process. Is this true?
A. The stated purpose of the superdelegates is to make sure that the idiots who make up the Democrat base don’t nominate someone unelectable.
Q. Like Barack Obama?
A. Yep. Shiny new candidate all the dummies flock to while the elites deep down know he’s going to be a disaster.
Q. Plus, the Democrats don’t want the minorities to get all uppity.
A. Well that goes without saying.
Q. So who are the superdelegates?
A. They are the elites of the elites — the intelligentsia of the Democratic Party.
Q. White people!
A. Pretty much. While white men don’t actually vote for Democrats anymore, they still run the party.
Q. I don’t trust white people.
A. I’m not going to argue you should.

The inventor of the Democrats’ superdelegate system.

Q. So how does one get to be a superdelegate?
A. You have to work in the higher echelons of the party, laugh at religious people, and consistently underestimate middle America.
Q. And be white.
A. I didn’t say it.
Q. It’s time to take the party away from those honkeys!
A. Why is my questioner today a black militant?
Q. Shut up, cracker! I’m asking the questions!
A. Fine. Anymore questions?
Q. So is the superdelegate system pretty much assured to rip the Democratic Party apart?
A. Yes. You’d almost think some Republican operative came up with idea.
Q. Who did come up with it?
A. Someone named Rarl Kove. Is it just me, or does his mustache look fake?
Q. All I know is that he looks white, so you know he’s up to something!
A. You can say that again, brother.
Q. Don’t brother me, honkey!
A. Sorry.

Maybe He’s Just Courting Edwards’s Pansy Voting Bloc?

In primaries, debates, and in the finer points of smear-campaign, Barack Obama keeps showing America how good he is.
At getting beaten by a girl.
A GIRL!
How can he be expected to stand up to ruthless, cut-throat Islamic terrorists – who, according to scientific studies, beat girls all the time – when he’s constantly getting his ass handed to him by a Breastified-American?
Seriously, the dude needs to sneak the key to Michelle’s testicular lock box out from underneath her pillow, strap on a pair, and cowboy up.
Here are my suggestions for ways Obama can toughen up his image to improve his chances of having the honor of losing to a REAL man in November:


Obama’s new testosterone-powered campaign tour bus
  • Claim that he once gazed up Fred Thompson’s mighty visage without being turned into stone.
  • Point out to journalists asking tough questions that he knows both unrepentant terrorists and the journalists’ home addresses.
  • Post a YouTube video of himself successfully de-candifying a baby (note to Obama: edit out the failed attempts before posting).
  • When whining about the unfairness of debate questions, do it with a Schwarzenegger accent.
  • Drop the Cosmo scrip.
  • Casually twirl a butterfly knife during stump speeches.
  • Surround himself with guys who make him look rugged by comparison, like cripples or interior decorators.
  • Kick a puppy and laugh.
  • Don’t look at me like that. It worked for Hillary, didn’t it?
  • Promise that if he’s elected, he’ll replace water-boarding with scorpion-boarding.
  • Film himself defeating a Spaniard, a Giant, and a Sicilian.

YOU got any suggestions? Come on, help a brother out.

It Seems Like Genius, But I Think He’s Just Cranky

Have you seen the racket McCain has going? Initially I dismissed it as just nutroots whining, but it is pretty sweet. Either a person makes an offensive statement about Obama or a group puts out an attack ad against him, McCain then denounces the person or ad, the statement or ad gets played over and over so everyone can see what McCain is offended by while McCain gets praised by everyone in the media for denouncing the attack. Of course, he upsets conservatives when it’s a completely legitimate attacks he’s denouncing, but the Republican primary already proved that no one cares what we think.