You don’t know how many times I get angry hate mail where I have no idea what the person is talking about. Obviously, some person looking for porn accidentally stumbled onto an old post and then sends me an e-mail ranting about it but not telling what post made the person angry as he apparently assumes I’ll psychically know what the hell he is talking about.
Here’s an e-mail I got today (usual rules on profanity in hate mail apply):
SUBJECT: screw you ronin
Uh, I don’t know who you are or where you are from, but screw you if you want to make fun of us. We are not all hillbilly’s. We don’t mind the river flooding, I’d rather it flood then be stuck in a damn earthquake and fall into the earth in Cali! We do get personalized license plates and I think we can spell better than you ronin. Yes we do have all our teeth and not more than we should ronin. You have really offended me and this state, if I ever catch you around here you will see what a redneck can happily do to you, you stupid piece of eight! I know you are probably one of those “I don’t give a banana hammock who I offend people”, but let me tell you brother, you are going to burn in hell for talking about people like that. Have a nice day idiot.
From context, I’m guessing he read one of Harvey’s “Fun Facts About the 50 States” posts (they’re under Fun Trivia as I apparently wasn’t smart enough to make a separate category for them), but not only does he not tell me what post he’s reacting to, he doesn’t even give me a clue of what state I need to stay out of to avoid being beaten by rednecks. How do people this stupid even get on the internet? I e-mailed for clarification — as I do every time this sort of thing happens — but if history is any indication, I shouldn’t expect a response.
UPDATE:
I googled some of things mentioned in the e-mail and my best guess is he’s from Mississippi and reacting to this post by Harvey. Someone takes his state a little too seriously.
When did Mississippi get the internet?
If you’re going to bother to reply to bollocks like that I’d say
Shut up cracker!' would be entirely sufficient.Shut up cracker!’ at people they just become confused because a `cracker’ over here is a type of savoury biscuit.Unfortunately here in Blighty when I shout,
I’m bitter because I don’t have any guns to cling to, I expect.
You should feel honored. No doubt he stopped making out with his sister long enough to send you an email. He even used a spell checker. Who says there is no evidence of evolution
If it provides your soul any peace, Frank, I understand almost all of the posts here at a deep intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level. And far from hating you, I hold you in complete disregard.
Just thought I’d brighten your day.
Now you made me go back and read the fun facts about the 50 states. I didn’t get my work done, and now I’ll loose my job. Thanks, Frank!! No wonder people hate you.
I guess I’ll go home and cling to my muzzle loader.
heh – “stupid piece of eight” – pure genius.
The “piece of eight” was indeed clever.
Also, what happened to having a sense of humor?
I dunno know what that dude is so mad ’bout… mah Unkle Grampa’s from ‘Sippi & he sez that fam’ly reunions are the very definition of a “drunken barn dance”. In fact, without them reunions, I mighta not even been borned…
I love the hate mail Frank gets.
Well, the hate mail inspired me to read the State Fun Facts for the first time, and now I got no work done all day. My government thanks you.
Oh, and I think your hater’s from Mississipi (the flooding river reference).
Well now that you’ve potentially narrowed it down, its pretty easy to avoid Mississippi (I cant for the life of me think of a good reason to go there), but just to be safe you might want to stay away from Missouri, Arkansas, and West (by god) Va. Its my understanding (gathered from a movie) that their prefered from of torture is to make you squeal like a peeeg, of course this is before they slip a noose around your neck and hoist you up over the branch of a tree while screaming yeeeee Hahhh, Git er Done, and drinking copious amounts of white litenin.
your in big trouble now BOY!
Not as clever as the Limey, is he?
That was a very benign e-mail, Frank. Too structured and coherent. I’m guessing you’ve been had by one of your own RONIN. 🙂
We have had the internet for almost a whole year
Since it was Mississippi, Frank I don’t think he was talkin’ ’bout beating you! I’m thinkin’ a little hot mano-e-mano southern’ hospitality is more what our friend had in mind! An afternoon romp in the back of his double-wide! “you sure do have a purdy mouth” kind of friendship…
I’m from Mississippi and thought that post was hilarious. The one about confusing a mugger by yelling “look, snow!” makes me laugh everytime. It’s true. On the first forecast of snow flurries tons of local crazies head for the grocery stores and buy every single bottle of water, flashlight, and pack of batteries in sight. I think that Kroger, Wal-Mart, and NOAA have a special agreement going…
Just for clarification, I don’t live in a trailer, I have all my teeth, I am educated, however as I type this I am barefoot and pregnant…
(I am one of the few MARRIED pregnant women around here though.)
Just to add however, I think all stereotypical jokes on Mississippi are funny like the Fun Facts…and just because I live here doesn’t mean I want to live here. We’re moving very very soon. As soon as my husband’s orders are up here. If anyone can get us an airline job (as a pilot) despite the oil prices we’d owe you a couple of guns and a double-wide. (It’s the going price for a new job down here.)
I can’t help but wonder that the guy just read the Mississippi Trivia thing just before he sent it which probably means Frank got it sometime in the last week… The original date of the thing was 2006…I want to know if they just got personalized license plates, say last year, because then it took him almost 2 years to get around to complaining about it
Some folks just don’t have a sense of humor. Of course these same folks don’t have much sense, in any sense of the word either so, it’s all good.
Maybe his family tree doesn’t fork, or if you give him a sandwich he’s his only family picnic, or mayhaps his dog died while riding in the back of his pickup because the driver choaked on some Skoal and wound up spilling his “Old German” beer down the front of his stained tee-shirt and into his cut off jeans covered lap.
I guess that’s enough Red-neck stereotyping for today. The sad thing is that the reason there are stereotypes is because so many people reinforce them, all the time.
My work here is done. Besides I have to run to Wally world to get milk and I need to find my Arkansas visa. That place is like a different planet and the creatures there should be in a zoo, but …. falling prices is where it’s at.
“We are not all hillbilly’s” is’ a clas’s’ic backwood’s grammatical s’lip, indicating that not everyone is the pers’onal pos’s’es’s’ion of a hillbilly. I hear tell s’ome have been ‘mancipated now. ‘ ‘