I Literally Laughed Out Loud

I missed the debate (Bible Study — that thing is complicated), and just sat down to check the reactions. I decided to check the Daily Kos to see how they were sizing it up and then I saw the title of the currently most recommended diary:
Tomorrow We Take On ABC, and Disney
I’m guessing they asked some tough questions.

Not at All Elitist

Apparently Michelle Obama said this:

“Barack’s a lawyer, I’m a lawyer, everybody we know are lawyers. I’m sure half the people in this audience are lawyers …”

I heard that a bus full of Obama’s friends drove off a cliff. I have some horrible news, though…

Continue reading ‘Not at All Elitist’ »

Girly Mags

The Village Voice has a feature on right-wing bloggers. They rate them on a stupid-to-evil ration — which I assume is tongue in cheek but its hard to tell with liberals these days.
Anyway, this got me thinking: Why do liberals publications have such gay names? Village Voice, Mother Jones… why not just name a magazine “The Pink Frilly Paper for Sissies”? Of course, I’ve never understood how men can be liberal. It’s an okay philosophy for five-year-old girls, but how can any self-respecting man center his beliefs around so much whining and touchy-feeliness? Some people are castrated through accidents, but I don’t know what everyone else’s excuse is.

Fear the Spawn of Doocy!

Steve Doocy of FOX & Friends must be proud; his son has become an object of hate for the left-wing blogosphere. He asked a silly and fairly innocuous question about Hillary drinking to John McCain, but the nutroots are freaking out on him. I didn’t even think they liked Hillary anymore, but since Peter Doocy has some connection to FOX News, they can’t laugh at the comment and instead feel obliged to have their two minutes of hate. It’s kinda scary. Are these people actually integrated into our society, or can you spot them from their constant nervous twitching and mumblings about neocons?

100% of President Bushs Consider Professional Historians “Failures”

WASHINGTON (AP) – After an informal survey of 109 professional historians showed 98% of them rating President Bush’s administration as a “failure”, President Bush announced that a recent poll of all current Presidents of the United States showed a surprisingly similar rating for professional historians – 100% “failures”.

“You SUCK, histo-dorks!”

Historians were quick to criticize the methodology of the poll, pointing out that in order for a survey’s results to have any meaning at all, the subjects must be chosen randomly.
President Bush defended the scientific rigor of his survey techniques. “I made a list of all sitting Presidents, then flipped a coin to determine which ones to ask the poll question. Every time it came up heads, the President George W. Bush that I asked had the same opinion of professional historians – ‘failures'”.
Some of the reasons given for the low ratings:
* Always reeking of pipe smoke and shattered dreams.
* Never holding a job that didn’t involve copious quantities of kissing the Dean’s ass.
* Leather elbow patches are totally gay.
* Unbroken string of inflatable girlfriends.
Despite the low scores, however, the survey results did include one positive comment about professional historians:
“At least they give Philosophy majors someone to feel superior to.”

Planet of the Apes Is Not Going to Start in Gibraltar

Gibraltar is finally going to kill its monkeys. One of the great things about the United States of America as that we killed all our monkeys long ago. That’s why you won’t find any of them running wild in the U.S. It’s probably the main reason for America’s success, because you can’t succeed at anything if you have to constantly worry about being bitten by monkeys.
To show your thanks, consider a vacation to Gibraltar. When you go, tell them how you heard how they killed the monkeys and you are proud of them.

They Are Not as Scared of You as You Are of Them

So let me get this straight: You can’t own a handgun in Chicago, and now you don’t only have to deal with violent criminals, but freaking cougars!
Makes sense. If wild animals know you can’t do anything to them, why do they need to be scared of you? Now Chicago residents are going to have to worry about gangbangers and packs of wolves when they walk to the store — but at least they don’t have to worry about accidentally shooting themselves with their own gun.