Apparently Michelle Obama said this:
“Barack’s a lawyer, I’m a lawyer, everybody we know are lawyers. I’m sure half the people in this audience are lawyers …”
I heard that a bus full of Obama’s friends drove off a cliff. I have some horrible news, though…
There were three empty seats!
Put your favorite Obama’s friends jokes in the comments.
Holy smokes – it’s like she wants him to lose. It’s not enough that they have gone out of their way to alienate rural people, whites, gun owners, and religious people. Now, by shouting to the world that they and all their friends are lawyers, she is making the entire non-lawyer populace hate him too.
Barack must look upon her “help” the same way Hillary looks upon Bill’s.
My Mon was a legal secretary when I was a toddler, and when I was five, she introduced me to her boss.
“This is who I work for, and he’s a criminal lawyer,” she said.
“Aren’t they all?” was my response.
Out of the mouths of babes…
🙂
Speaking of mouthes of babes, ExurbanKevin:
When Ferrell meets his landlord
That little girl is going to pass you by!
Q. Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep their foreskins from rolling up over their faces.
Q. Why do surgeons love operating on lawyers, even with the risk of malpractice suits?
A. Lawyers have only two working parts: the mouth and the asshole – and they’re interchangeable.
Q. What do you have when a lawyer is covered up to his neck in sand?
A. A need for more sand.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and an angry rooster?
A. The angry rooster clucks defiance.
Q. What do you call several thousand lawyers in chains, one-thousand feet below the ocean’s surface?
A. A good start.
It seems that there’s a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair. St. Peter sought out Satan.
“Hey, Satan, it’s your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done.”
“I like the way it looks,” Satan answered. “I’m not doing anything.”
“You have to,” said St. Peter. “It’s your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it.”
“You think I care about that contract?” asked Satan. “You should know better than that. I said I am not doing anything, and if you don’t leave me alone, I may just tell you what you can do with that contract.”
“If you don’t make the repairs,” St. Peter said angrily, “The law will make you. If you don’t live up to your obligations under the contract, we’ll sue you.”
“Sue me?” Satan couldn’t help laughing. “Where are you gonna get a lawyer?”
All my good lawyer jokes are variants on the ones already posted, so I can’t play along. But I wanted to make a point about the linked-to article. The poster says there’s a difference between “elite” and “elitist”, and I get what he means. I don’t like the guy — the big “eff you” he gives the base on e.g. immigration, etc. turns me off — but I can’t imagine Bush being “too good” to eat a cheese steak when he goes to Philly, or just generally being as out-of-touch as your garden-variety Obamas and Kerrys. You’ve got to give the man a point or two for that.
Barack Obama went outside to watch the wind. While he was watching the wind, a particularly strong gust of wind picked him up by his HUGE ears and blew him into a jet engine on Al Gore’s jet flying overhead. Al Gore’s jet then crashed into a bunch of hippies protesting outside an Army recruiting office killing 46 Code Pinkos and 8 Ron Paul supporters.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
No Army personnel were harmed during the production of this joke.
(I know it’s supposed to be about lawyers and stuff but I just really hate liberals today.)
Whats the difference between rats and lawers?
People complain if you test on rats
#8 I thought it was that lawyers didn’t taste as good… Oh well, guess there’s no accounting for taste.
It’s been a while since I posted here (never stopped reading, though!), although I was a competitor in the t-shirt girl contest…
As I am currently in my last day of law school (hooray!), I just thought I’d give a plug for lawyers who love guns and money and small government and all that awesome stuff. There are some of us who are good people!
A friend of Barak Obama was driving home one day when a cop pulled him over.
“What seems to be the problem officer?” Barak’s friend asked.
“You failed to stop at that stop sign back there, sir.” Replied the officer.
“No I didn’t!” snapped Barak’s friend.
“Sir, you slowed down. Illinois law requires that you make a complete stop.”
Barak’s friend being a lawyer like all of Barak’s friends, was also an elitist. He knew he was smarter than the cop.
“Tell you what”, said Barak’s friend. “There is no difference between slowing down and stopping. I know I can prove that in court. If you can show me the difference, I’ll pay the fine. If not, well you had better let me be on my way.”
The cop looked at Barak’s friend.
“Sir. Please step out of the vehicle.” The officer said politely.
No sooner had the car door shut, Barak’s friend’s knee was shattered by the police officers baton. The cop continued to savagely club Barak’s friend with his nightstick.
“Now sir” The officer said between swings, “Would you like me to stop or slow down?”
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A. The hooker will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
My dad grew up in Northern Wisconsin, where they have an odd accent. 30 years living in Nashville, Dallas, and Central Illinois only softened his accent around the edges.
He always pronounced the word ‘lawyer’ not “loyer” but ‘liar’.
So when he said ‘My son’s a liar’ I was never sure whether he meant me, or my brother who went to law school.
Q: How many lawyers can fit into a phone booth?
A: Depends if you slice ’em or dice ’em.
DamnCat
Holy smokes – it’s like she wants him to lose….
If he looses, they can complain that AmeriKKKa is a racists country, and wants to keep them down.
What’s the difference between a snake and a lawyer?
If they get hit by a car, there are always skid marks in front of the snake
Doctor, Engineer and Obomas’ friend argue about which is the oldest profession. Doctor says God removed Adams’ rib, that’s surgery, so doctor is the oldest profession. Engineer says God created the world from Chaos, that’s building, so engineer is the oldest profession. Obomas’ friend says, Ah! But who created the Chaos?
I expect they’ll say that even if he wins. Just out of habit.
A rich man is dying and summons his doctor, lawyer and priest to his bedside. The rich guy says “I have decided to prove everyone wrong who says you can’t take it with you.” He hands each of them an envelope with $100,000 each with instructions to throw the envelope into his casket at the funeral.
After the funeral the three men are walking out together and the priest says “I have to confess, I needed money to fix the rectory so I kept $20,000 and only threw in $80,000 into the casket”
The doctor then said “Don’t feel so bad, my clinic needed a new x-ray machine so I kept $60,000 and only threw $40,000 in”
At that the Lawyer says “Gentlemen, I am shocked and ashamed that you would betray a dying man’s last wish! I’ll have you know that MY envelope contained a personal check for the full $100,000”
Why did the lion eat a pile of shit after eating the lawyer?
to get the bad taste out of his mouth.
Ok…not exactly an Obama joke…but –
what do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea.
Obama, the Pope and a boy-scout are on an airplane over the Atlantic when the plane develops terminal engine failure. The pilots bail out, leaving only two parachutes between the three remaining passengers.
“Im running for President of the United States, and as one of the smartest and most personable black men in existence, it’s important that I live to improve the livelihood of my race”. Obama grabs one of the packs, straps it on, and jumps out of the ailing airplane.
The Pope looks down at the boy-scout and says, “I’m an old man. I’ve had a blessed life, and I know where I am going after I die. You have your whole life to look forward to, so it’s my wish that you have the remaining parachute.”
The boy-scout looks up at the pope with a mischievous grin, and says, “Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it, sir. That idiot just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack!”
“Barack’s a lawyer, I’m a lawyer, everybody we know are lawyers. I’m sure half the people in this audience are lawyers …”
Ahhh…that explains a lot. They all probably met when the ambulance they were chasing crashed outside of Bill Clinton’s office in Harlem!
“I expect they’ll say that even if he wins. Just out of habit.
#18 – Posted by: DamnCat on April 16, 2008 07:28 PM”
Well, if Oprah – one of the richest people in the world – can still talk about “racism” with a straight face, why wouldn’t they. And Oh, that’s right, she’s campaigning with them.
How many Obamunists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, everybody knows Obama won’t change anything.
You’re stranded in desert with one gun and only two bullets. All of a sudden you come upon a scorpion, Osama bin Laden, and a lawyer all at once. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
Of course, any regular reader of this site would never be caught in the position of having only 1 gun or two bullets. In that case, you can unload a magazine into each of them. And maybe a few extra .45 magnum rounds into the lawyer.
Q. What’s black and tan and looks good on one of Obama’s friends?
A. A Rottweiler
Q. What’s orange and looks good on one of Obama’s friends?
A. Fire
What is the difference between Michelle Obama’s friends and sharks?
Lipstick.
What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a ugly scum-sucking bottom feeder, the other is a fish.
Actually, I owe Obama a BIG favor. I was at the checkout in the pet shop yesterday and some busybody asked me why I felt “the need” to wear a gun. With a perfectly straight face, I said, “Because I’m bitter.” Praise Obama!
Yeeeeaahhhhh bay-bee
In an effort to connect with the hoi poi, Barry went duck hunting in one of those Southern States. As he walks across a field a flock takes wing and, after peeing himself a little, Barry blazes away hoping to hit something. For a change, he gets lucky and hits one. The ex-duck falls into a field on the other side of a fence.
Barry climbs over the fence and is about to pick up the carcass when a voice behind him says, “‘Scuse me but what’ya thank yer doin’?”
Barry squeals and turns to see an old farmer walking up using a tree branch as a cane. “Well, I shot this duck and I’m taking it back to my camp for my manservant to do whatever it is that’s done.”
“I tell ya,” said the farmer, “this here’s mah prop’ty so that there’s mah duck.”
“Nonsense,” said Barry, “I shot it, it’s mine! Don’t think you can pull that racist crap on me my good man. I’m a lawyer and if you attempt to oppress me I’ll take you to court!”
“We don’ much have need fer law-yers ’round heah. We usu’ly just do the “three hit” game to d’cide.”
“What’s that?” asked Barry.
“Wellll. If’n thars a ques’shun ‘tween two fellers, they face each other. Then the one feller gets to hit the secon’ feller three times. Then the secon’ feller gets to hit the firs’ feller three times. They goes back’n forth like that ’till one a’ them quits.”
Barry sized up the old coot: at least 80, two inches shorter, skinny, stooped, gnarled hands.
“Hmmm.” He said as he realized that he could take the old man and increase his “street cred” with the nation’s bitter demographic. “I’ll take you up on that you typical white person.”
“‘K,” said the farmer. “Since I’m the one who’s been challenged, I get to go first.” And quickly slammed his knee into Barry’s crotch.
As Barry doubled over in shock and pain, the old man brought the stick around in a swing to crack Barry right in the forehead. Barry saw stars and fell like a sack of potatoes to his hands and knees. The farmer then reversed the swing and jammed the butt of the stick into Barry’s kidneys.
Barry lay there panting, puking, and soiling himself. Getting angry and ready to avenge himself, he staggered to his feet. “OK old man! Now its MY turn.”
The old farmer held up a hand and smiled. “Nah. Take the duck. I quit.”
Obama’s friend and Bill are out for a walk one day. A plump little intern in a blue dress walks past them.
“Man, I’d love to screw her!” sez Bill.
“Outta what?” sez Obama’s friend