In honor of Cinco do Seis, I present these:

* Mexico declared its independence from Spain on September 16th, 1810. This should not be confused with the first Cinco de Mayo of May 5th 1862, which marked Mexico’s victory over the French Army. Every day is Cinco de Mayo somewhere in the world.

* In absolute numbers, Mexico has more native Spanish-speakers than anywhere else in the world. Percentage-wise, the winner is any given Home Depot parking lot.

* The Chihuahua dog breed was developed in 1850 in Mexico. Purebred Chihuahuas are quite rare and VERY expensive. If you can’t afford one, a shaved rat is pretty much the same thing.

* In the 16th century, Mexicans used poinsettia leaves for medicinal purposes, including to help control fevers. In modern times, they mostly use hospitals in Los Angeles.

* The national sport of Mexico is bull-fighting - where a pretty man prances around while cruelly butchering an innocent animal. Sorta like American Idol, except with bulls instead of pop music.

* Mexico is made up of 31 states. 38 if Obama is counting.

* The three colors of Mexico’s flag hold deep symbolism: green is for hope and victory, red is for the blood shed by the nation’s heroes, and white is for the nation’s vibrant cocaine export industry.

* Mexico City is the second-largest city in the world, with a population of 25 million, all of whom share a single car and apartment.

* The border between Mexico and the United States is thought to be second-longest in the world - after the border between the United States and Canada - although no one can say for sure, since it’s been completely obscured by footprints.

* All of which, mysteriously, point north, leading scientists to speculate that Mexicans are made out of some sort of magnetic material.

* Because Mexico is located in an area known as the Pacific “Ring of Fire.” the region is rife with millions of small, active volcanoes. These are harvested annually and sold under the name Habañero.

* Tequila, the liquor for which Mexico is famous, is made from the native blue agave plant. It’s named after the city where it originated, and not - as American overindulgers often claim - a Mexicanized pronunciation of “to kill ya”.

* 90% of Mexicans are Roman Catholic, which is why they tend to see the Virgin Mary in their tortillas instead of Barack Obama like normal people.

* Mexico has seven hundred and seven species of reptiles. Which one is in that taco is anyone’s guess.

* Chocolate was invented in Mexico as a sacred drink for the Aztecs. The original recipe contained no milk or sugar, leaving it a dark, bitter, unpleasant mess which few could stomach without retching. Think of it as Michelle Obama in a cup.

Before Obama got to the G20 summit, he had some flunkies dig up information about the country, including the fact that it was “slightly smaller than Oregon“.

BOR-ing!

He should’ve called me, because I would’ve hooked him up with information he could actually use, like these:

* There’s some confusion over the terms England, Britain, and UK. England is a country. Britain is an island comprised of England, Scotland, and Wales. UK is a very dirty word that’s missing two letters.

* The British eat twice as many baked beans per head as Americans do, which may explain their obsession with greenhouse gasses.

* In 1752, Britain switched between the Gregorian and Julian calendars, leading to the complete disappearance of the days between 3 and 14 September. Britain unjustly accused an innocent America of stealing the days, causing a resentment which most historians cite as the primary cause of the Revolutionary War.

* There are over 30,000 John Smiths in Britain, including the Queen before she changed her name to Elizabeth.

* Britain’s emergency number is 999 instead of 911, which - over there - is the number for an adult chat line. This causes a lot of confusion for Americans who expect “what’s your emergency?” and get “what are you wearing?” instead.

* In 1745 the government made it illegal for Scotsmen to wear kilts. The ban remained in force until 1832. Anyone who’s seen a Scotsman on a windy day wishes it still were.

* The two favorite pastimes in Britain are drinking tea and frantically searching for a public toilet.

* In 2012, the Olympics will be held in London, with Britain being the favorite to win the gold in the 100 Meter Silly Walk.

* Although people often make fun of the tall, bearskin hats worn by the Royal Guard, it’s been scientifically determined that the hats are only 5% goofier-looking than Donald Trump’s combover.

* Every year in May, the town of Bognor Regis hosts its annual clown parade. A similar event takes place in the US, where it is called Congress.

* Theatre Royal Bristol is the oldest continuously working theatre in Britain and has been staging “Cats” since 1766.

* Cheddar Cheese was discovered 800 years ago by accident when a milk maid allowed a pail of milk to go bad whilst being stored in the caves at Cheddar. Thus its nickname of “Stupid Lazy Wench Cheese”.

* Matthew Webb was the first person to successfully swim the English Channel. He left from Dover in 1875, arrived in France 22 hours later, immediately accepted the surrender of the frightened populace, and renamed the country Webbland, as it is known to this very day.

* The Hansom Cab (the first taxi) was invented and produced in the town of Hinckley by Joseph Hansom in 1835. He later invented the cab driver by founding the nation of Pakistan.

* Popular as a sandwich spread in Britain, Marmite is a foul-smelling, brown, sticky paste reminiscent of congealed soy sauce, made from yeast-extract left over from the brewing process. It’s sold under the slogan, “It ain’t good, but at least it ain’t haggis”.

* Nottingham is home to the smallest public cinema in the world. With only 22 seats, it’s perfect for the screening of any Michael Moore documentary.

UPDATE - I *told* you not to dial 911

When you go out to drink your green beer today, you’ll probably wander into a pub and bump into some smug Irishman who’ll bust your chops for being ignorant of the history & traditions of the land which St. Patrick’s Day was intended to celebrate.

Well, brother, I’ve got your back. Paddy O’Tatertot will dumbstruck by your vast storehouse of knowledge when you regale him with these:

* Bram Stoker was working as a civil servant in Dublin when he wrote “Dracula” in 1897. The main character was based on an old pub lout named Drac O’La who was notorious for sneaking around the room sipping peoples’ beers when they weren’t looking.

* Ballygally Castle in County Antrim, is allegedly one of the most haunted places in the country. Lady Isobel Shaw, whose husband built the castle in 1625, reportedly did not pay off her student loans, and the castle still receives mysterious harrassing phone calls to this day.

* The national sport of Ireland is “hurling”, a similar to field hockey, with much shoving, brawling, and hitting with sticks. It’s been described as “what would happen if last call lasted for an hour”.

* In 2003, a village known as “Dun Bleisce” changed its name back to the indecent-sounding “Fort of the Harlot,” as it was known in the distant past. Some of the residents claim that a more accurate translation is “Fort of the Hilton”.

* It was once popular in Ireland to pin sprigs of shamrocks on your coat on Saint Patrick’s Day in remembrance of his using shamrock leaves to illustrate the idea of the holy trinity. At the end of the day, one would “drown the shamrock” by putting a few shamrocks into a glass and covering them with whiskey. Thus the saying “In Ireland, EVERY day is St. Patrick’s Day!”.

* The national symbol of Ireland is the Celtic harp, not the shamrock. The harp is less popular, though, because it’s hard to find a glass big enough to drown one in.

* Unlike the Scottish bagpipes, the Irish uilleann pipes do not have a pipe going directly to the mouth. However, there IS usually a straw going directly to a pint of Guinness, so sometimes it can be hard to tell.

* An odd Irish birthday tradition is to lift the birthday child upside down and give his head a few gentle bumps on the floor for good luck. The number of bumps should allegedly correspond to the child’s age plus one. For adults, the bumps are replaced with whiskey shots and fistfights.

* The original Guinness Brewery in Dublin has a 9,000 year lease on its property. Legend has it that when the lease expires, God will descend from heaven to punish the wicked of Ireland with eternal sobriety.

* One of the most popular radio shows in rural Ireland is still the weekly broadcast of local obituaries, since people with thundering hangovers keep hoping to hear their names.

* An old legend says that, while Christ will judge all nations on judgment day, St. Patrick will be the judge of the Irish. Denis Leary gets Boston.

* Catherine Kelly, who died in 1785, was allegedly the smallest Irish woman ever. With a total height of just 34 inches and a weight of 8 pounds, she was known as “The Irish Fairy”. At least until Michael Flatley came along.

* According to one rather obscure Irish legend, a ringing in your ears means a deceased friend stuck in Purgatory is ringing a bell to ask for you to pray for him/her. Or that you got drunk and passed out in the church belltower again, Father.

* “Gulliver’s Travels” writer Jonathan Swift is buried in St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin, where his remains are held fast by dozens of tiny ropes.

* Montgomery Street in Dublin was once the largest red light district in all of Europe, with over 1600 prostitutes plying their trade. To help you imagine this, picture the lineup outside an American Idol audition, except with talent.

[Tip o' the green plastic derby to Ireland-Fun-Facts.com]

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