In my discussion of how to accelerate monkeys to high speed, someone suggested we use the Mexi-Cannon™. One of things people enjoy about IMAO is the intellectual discussions, so please try and think things through, people. The Mexi-Cannon™ is only rated for the firing of Mexicans. If we were to try and fire monkeys out of it, they would most likely just be horribly mangled. While that sounds great, that gets us no closer to colliding them at high speed.
Obviously, a special cannon needs to be designed just for the firing of monkeys. This would be quite an engineering feat as monkeys come in many shapes and sizes. The biggest problem, though, is that monkeys tend to flail about quite a lot when fired through the air. This really throws off the accuracy and makes it very hard to fire two monkeys into each other. And it is not very easily compensated for.
I’ve tried to privately fund this project, but in this economy you don’t make very much money posting video of monkeys flying through the air on YouTube. So I’m going to look into getting stimulus funds. I’ll just tell Obama that the purpose of the Monkey-Cannon™ is to get abortions for poor people, and he should approve the money right away. He’s a numbnut.
Have you considered investing cryogenic monkey physics? I imagine a monkey dunked in liquid nitrogen would tend to flail less.
[You really don’t understand what I’m trying to accomplish, do you? -Ed.]
How about wrapping them in saran wrap first?
Electrical engineers. Sheesh.
Angular acceleration is your friend.
Go to the Grand Canyon, suspend a pole over the rim at a very deep section, tie two monkeys each to a rope like 3/4 miles long, take them in opposite directions and then just let them go. If you want more energy in the collision you could tie weights to the monkeys’ feet.
Swoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh…SPLAT!!!!!!
Let em flail, Newton is a harsh master.
Plus, the more they flail as they’re sailing and hitting the funnier it’ll be.
Wow! there is a difference between mexicans and monkeys comming out of the cannon? Who knew!
Since monkeys are alot like liberals and hippies, maybe you could use a hippie or liberal-cannon instead of the mexi-cannon.
Wow, I can’t find any flaw in Veeshir’s plan. And I’d actually really like to try it…
I really do not want to disparage Frank’s noble aims in his colliding monkeys experiments. However, if we are still in search of a bo’s’n, I believe it would be more productive to use parrots in place of the monkeys. IIRC Blackbeard’s and Jack Sparrow’s bo’s’ns both had parrots.
I am posting another possible plan, Frank. If I go through with this, I’ll also looking for stimulus funds. I’ll probably go the child prostitution route.
Step 1: Clone the most accurate quarterback in the NFL. Drew Brees, I think.
Step 2: Tie two monkeys to two footballs.
Step 3: Tell Brees and Brees’s clone to throw monkey footballs at each other.
Simple, huh?
How about an even simpler plan?
Step 1: Tie two monkeys to two separate steam locomotives.
Step 2: Hit the, uh, gas – pardon me, I’m not very familiar with steam locomotives – on both locomotives and jump out!
Step 3: Charge spectators to watch the show.
Step 4: Escape area before angry spectators try to kill us.
Step 5: Profit!
“If we were to try and fire monkeys out of it, they would most likely just be horribly mangled.”
OK, rifle the barrel. Better, insert blender blades along the barrel’s length.
Save the puppies! Drink/eat more monkey.
I could swear they had a monkey cannon on Myth Busters, they shot them at the windshields of secret service suvs to see if they’d break (the monkeys that is)
The answer is so simple, I’m surprised no one has thought of it: A Sabot
Well, I for one, am also concerned about unsteady, asymmetric aerodynamic turbulence of ♦flailing♦monkeys♦ causing imperfect collisions. So, wouldn’t it be better to build this collider at the International Space Station, Frank, and run it in the vacuum of space? You could get a NASA contract and call it The International Space Station’s Superconducting Monkey Super Collider of Monkeys in a Vacuum Machine.
You might have to test this with Scary Evil Monkey first, to make sure you can use it with less evil monkeys. You don’t want to be pulping perfectly good monkeys with a mis-set cannon.
While I appreciate the scientific significance of both the Monkey Collider and the Mexi-Cannon, I can’t help but think that we are misplacing our priorities.
It’s a much more urgent priority that the long imagined “Hippie Collider Cannon” go from a far-fetched drawingboard dream to reality. Write your Congress-critter! Demand stimulus money to fund a Manahata Project to that end!
Think about it. Not only would a “Hippie Collider Cannon” greatly expand our scientific knowledge, but it would also solve the hippy problem. Equally important, since hippies and monkeys share DNA, this device could be easily modified to adopt to most monkey species if the monkey colliding experimentation need persisted.
Oh, come on, the solution to nonaerodynamic flailing monkeys is clear: velcro! The little buggers are absolutely covered with hair, so slap velcro on them. The more they struggle, the tighter the bonds will be. Since the hooks won’t adhere to the inside of your metal cannon (like a tape or glue might), the monkeys will be immobilized yet slide right out of the cannons.
And, as an added bonus, you can modify the cannons later to explore the dynamics of midair colliding filthy hippies. Lots of hair there, too, so same principle.
Heh. I absolutely wrote my post before I saw Deafdog’s entry. Clearly we’re both thinking about the important matters in research. Science!
I’ve got the perfect ingredients for a monkey collider. 1: take two rocket sleds make them face each other 2: tie a monkey to each sled 3: launch rocket sled towards each other and then blammo collied monkey’s.
@ Deafdog they are having a hippie collider building contest at The Right-Wing Super Awesome Fun Party of Fun! so start working on the plans.
“…a hippie collider building contest at The Right-Wing Super Awesome Fun Party of Fun!”
A hippie collider? They’ve given up on hobos?
MDr says: A hippie collider? They’ve given up on hobos?
if hippies and hobos collide, you get lou dobbs. So the two forms of matters should never be in proximity of each other.
@ MDr you can substitute hippies with hobo’s.
the solution for the flailing monkeys is obvious…..duct tape!
I think I favor the hippie collider as a starting point, if successful you could then move on to higher life forms such as monkeys!
@IH8, Aren’t the two Synonymous?
@POB, Monkey Physics are even more baffling and mysterious than that Quantum Physics we keep hearing about.
Are you sure you want to do it with hippies? I mean, imagine the smell.
maybe you could use the abortions thing to get him to let you nuke the moon just tell him a woman is up there giving birth but doesn’t want a kid
Three words.
Tiny.
Monkey.
Straitjackets.
Does the Society for the Protection of Monkeykind know about this?
We could simply attach them to drones.
But it’s difficult to give up on my locomotive idea. Stupid monkeys would probably make “Chooo chooo” noises before impact. Stupid monkeys!
A few simple observations.
1. Drew Brees? Ni^^ah Pleez. TOM BRADY!
2. I would suggest that the hippie collider cannon be made in sub-sonic velocities. I want to hear them scream and see them hit in slo-mo. Speed up the velocity with each successive test. Yeah!
3. Have stunts for the tests. Launch the hippie collider cannon through the impact zone of the Monkey Collider and do it on the US-Mexican Border while simutainiously shooting the Mexi-cannon.
4. For funding, claim to be an ACORN off-shoot (White Oak Industries?) and threaten to sue the federal gov’t if they suspend funding.
5. Lubrication for any collider/cannon is not necessary as Mexicans and Hippies are self lubricating (greasers, greasy)and Monkeys are know to produce their own toss (as in “slicker than shit”).
6. Drew Brees? Ni^^ah Pleez! TOM BRADY!
12 was on the right track with the sabot, 17 was close with velcro, 23 was almost on the spot with duct tape. So where to go from there.
1. Pre-tape the monkeys arms at it’s sides.
2. shape the sabot to the monkey body shape. Rifle the barrel.
3. FIRE!
The monkey has spin, the sabot falls away, the duct tape is proven to be cannon worthy (Mythbusters).
BONUS: If you miss the monkey collision, you get to rip the tape of the monkey just for fun! And the monkey will be re-usable.
How about straight jackets? That would seem to cut flailing down to a minimum. And from my own point of view, the only thing better than firing monkeys out of a high powered cannon is firing straight-jacketed monkeys out of a high powered cannon.
Tom Brady? A pretty boy best suited for magazine ads. Drew Brees is a nerd and has the advantage of Science!.
1. if you are using sabots, you want the barrel to bee smooth bore, for higher velocity. … we just have to attach some fins to the monkeys for stability in flight and voila, you have created HVFSDSM rounds…..
either that, or carpet a suitably sized area with duct taped monkeys, side by side, and then air drop more of them from a suitable altitude, with either a streamer or the above fins for stability….. monkey carpet bombing, which is, humorously enough, what you would have in the impact area afterward… %-)
I forgot. What Science!tific principle was all this monkey colliding going to prove again? Is there some theoretical sub-monkey particle out there we hoped to discover? The Higgs Bonzo? Anti-monkeys? Quantum black-monkeys? Beppo the Super-string monkey?
Wouldn’t you get the same effect if one monkey was held in place and the other monkey was moving twice as fast – like strapped to the back of a greyhound on crystal meth?
Duh! Since we start losing velocity the moment a projectile exits the muzzle of your cannons it’s really simple. Just place the cannon muzzles two feet from each other and fire away. Since we aren’t really sure how much energy would be released in the high velocity monkey colliding, just make sure to use a pair of strings about three times as long to your monkey-cannon triggers as you think you’ll need.
If you were any kind of science guy, Frank you would simply come up with a “flailing’s quotient”, call it the Franks bosson and fire the damn cannon! Too much thinkin’ going on and not enough blastin’ ma’ boy!
To fire the gun, a solenoid-driven needle struck and ruptured the diaphragm, allowing the compressed air to drive the
chickenmonkey (in its container – a cylindrical cardboard ice cream carton) down the barrel. At the muzzle, a metal ring stopped the carton, but allowed thechickenmonkey to pass through. Slow-motion cameras photographed thechickenmonkey impactinga fighter windshieldanother monkey in thetest bedhead.2/3 of science! is ripped off from other people so there you go.
Obama bows before the monkeys.
Ive been thinking, you should start ending each post with “Remember folks to spay and neuter your local hippies”
Frank, come up with a plan for the next time our President bows to some tin-horn leader of some 2nd rate country. Get the Monkey Cannon ready and fire a Primate up his ass when he is in full “subservient worship the ground you walk on” mode!
That would be like very awesome!
The biggest problem, though, is that monkeys tend to flail about quite a lot when fired through the air.
This too can be solved through the proper application of duct tape.
Since I’m not 100% sure what we’re trying to accomplish, how about this: We take Obama, clone him, and then fire him and his clone out of mexi-cannons. This would eliminate all the time required for r & d on the monkey cannons. Or we could mingle his and the clone’s dna with primate dna and then you would have a super obama monkey collider. Just a thought.
I have seen videos of monkeys in a centrifuge used to simulate the g-forces of rocket launches. Two such centrifuges, built near each other, with opposing spins, could have timers that released the monkeys at high speed in such an exacting manner that they would collide on their tangential trajectories from their original circular paths.
Putting the detector at the point of collision would be simply a matter of calculating flight times for the monkeys based on their masses and original velocities.
What exactly one would detect, and how, then becomes the next major obstacle in this particular experimental setup. I would suggest bringing lots of floor (and wall and ceiling) cleaner, and mops and buckets and hoses.