Today is Cinco de Mayo! It celebrates how on May 5th, 1756, some French guy (probably named Pierre) invented mayonnaise. It is an important day for Mexicans living in America since early on Mexicans worshipped a jar of mayo as a god and it helped Mexico prosper.
The traditional Cinco de Mayo celebration is to buy a large jar of mayo and a couple cases of Corona and then drink and drink the Corona until you think you hear the jar of mayo talking to you. Traditionally, it is believed that whatever the mayo tells you will come true in the next year, though in practice the mayo often lies.
It is illegal to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in Arizona, due to a long ban on mayo in the state. Anyone seen illegally possessing mayo will automatically be deported to Mexico on a first offense, Venezuela on a second offense, and Detroit on a third. This often gets Arizona compared to the Nazis because of an urban legend about the Nazis hunting down jars of mayo as a Jew-collaborator, though in reality Hitler put on mayo on everything.
Everything.
Plus, Hitler was a Mexican. That’s why early depictions of him before WWII often showed him wearing a sombrero.
So have a fun and safe Cinco de Mayo! The usual rule applies: If the mayo tell you to hurt yourself or others, don’t listen to it.
If you want good ahead of its time white people/mayo jokes the Steve Martin/Martin Mull “History of White People in America” is Hilarious!
I used to rent a VHS of it, not seen it on torrents or usenet.
Actually the French guy (his name was Maurice) invented Miracle Whip and since it went over like a fart in church in French Cuisine, they were trying to force it on the Mexicans to recover the cost of R&D. The Mexicans didn’t want to give up their mayo, fought back, and won. The French gave up and moved to New Orleans. As part of the traditional celebration, Mexican mothers make tuna casserole for dinner while children beat mimes as if they were pinatas.
I will spend my Cinco de Mayo wandering the Mayo Clinic, singing “If I Only Had A Heart.”
The patients love singers. And candy.
-ls/cm
This is the Mexican holiday celebrating the defeat of the French Dressing Navy..Sinko de Mayo. It was a creamy victory.
Eat too many refried beans and this becomes Stinko de Higho.
Having little respect for this and other sacred American holidays, liberals are trying to change its name to “Cinco De Quattro”.
Cinco de mayo? Which translated literally means “five of mayo”. Five of mayo what? Five jars of mayo? No, it can’t be, then it would be “cinco jarros de mayo.” And why did they use the English shorthand for mayo when it easily could have been “cinco de mayonesa”, which is the correct term in Spanish? Tell you what, these furiner type holidays sure are confusing to me.
Personally, I think cinco de mayo was invented by a bunch of gringos desperate for another holiday they can drink beer on until they pass out. Like St. Patrick’s day.
Cinco de Mayo is also an old Scottish and Irish holiday. They celebrate the 13th century battle between a joint Scottish-Irish army and a group of Flemings who stole Nuke The Moon shirts from the Scots and Irish.
So who won that battle, Marko? I’m pulling for the Scottish-Irish army. I bet their flag was a giant kilt.
I’d hate to think those darn Flemmings could steal somebody’s Nuke The Moon shirt and get away with it. I bet the Moon was somehow in cahoots with the Flemmings even way back then!
Pingback: Catmman
What bothers me is the commercialization of the holiday.
It used to be about the mayo but then Hallmark went and ruined it.
The Phoenix Suns will celebrate by wearing “Los Suns” on their jerseys tonight. This is because “Los Dingleberries” doesn’t fit on a basketball jersey.
This explains why so many Cinco De Mayo celebrations in CA end in the traditional stabbing.
This made me laugh way too much…and I’d like to know if MiracleWhip work just as well?
One of the traditional Mexican Cinko de Mayo contests involves races in which men prove their manhood by seeing who can drink a jar of mayo the fastest. To win, you must catch the worm (or worms) at the bottom between your teeth.
Ha! Here’s the real truth….contrary to popular myth the 13th century battle between the joint Scottish/Irish army and the Flemings was quickly resolved when the Irish turned out to be too drunk to stand up…much less fight, and no one could understand a word the Scotts were saying and thus could not obey the orders of the Scottish general. However as it turned out the Scotts and Irish soon realized that the Flemings were merely migrating to the coast in an effort to commit mass suicide because they were in the middle of one of their periodic population booms which occur roughly every four years. Some people have mistakenly given credit to the Scots and Irish for a great victory over the Fleming hoards but in truth the Flemings actually drowned themselves.
I find it a waste to sink so much mayo when there are children in China that would love to have mayo on their turkey sandwhiches.
And what happens when all that mayo hits to the treatment plants? Do illegals decend on the separation tanks and claim the mayo to be french dressing and put up an Etherorpian flag. And what are Trey Parker and Matt Stone hiding when they disguise their mayo as a bear and make fun of the prophet Hamon Drye?
Think of all the white bread that will have to go without dressing because mayo is racist, and sinks are now religious icons.
As you can guess, Proud Infidel, the Flemmings won……..
….
….that time.
I’m waiting to celebrate a new authentic American holiday, Sendo Them Backo.
then there were the four guys (a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Flem (or should that be phlegm?) and a Mexican) who tried to swim across the Gulf of Mexico and didn’t make it. News headline the next day? Cuatro sinko.
can i still drink negra modelo?
51st State of the Union!
The New Old Mexico, Then we could do something about illegal’s and drugs. The worst thing we ever did is not to help our neighbor, mainly to help educate and industrialize. The border is too big to guard, but not between Mexico & Guatemala, only 250 miles. Surely we would make a better family member then a neighbor. I don’t see Mexico, getting any safer, less corrupt, and modern or a stronger economy. I know this would be expensive, but how much does it cost us now?
I wanted to celebrate by going to see Los Suns play
los ball de basket-o in Los Phoenix,
Since the owner is apparently throwing the gates open to anyone who wants in. But I live in Iowa.
Oops, Los Iowa, I mean.
South African born, Canadian citizen, NBA millionaire Steve Nash and his millionaire teammates will be opening the grounds of their palacial estates to any immigrant (with or with out ‘pay-perrrrrrrs’) who would like to park a trailer or pitch a tent – so their ‘civil rights’ aren’t violated.
I assume the racial imbalance of the team will be corrected by signing some Mexican -born players or selling the team to Pemex or Modelo.
I don’t think there are any Mexican NBA owners,
though there is one Cuban, who owns the Dallas Mavericks.
Does he count, or is the NBA racist?
I read that the San Antonio Spurs are going to join Los Suns
and put Los Spurs on their jerseys for the game.
Los Ers.
Pingback: Choppers MC…Where Are You?
Dang I forgot all about Sicko de Mayoz(naise). I guess it wasn’t that big of an event after all. No Sicko de mayo sales, we didn’t get the day off, nada, nothing, not one little thing. So sad.
Quit making fun of Sr. Hitler. At least he got the Olympics!
I think I need to clear things up here…
Cinco de mayo is a holiday invented by Mexican illegals to convince us that they’re just like actual American citizens by putting mayo on all their food. But don’t be fooled- Mexican mayonnaise is really just guacamole.
(also, Diez de ketchup is really about salsa)
Oh Sinko de Mayo…..how glad I am to live in Australia and can avoid so much stinko bad rhymo….