Since the State of the Union, President Obama has been talking a lot about “winning the future.” Of course, winning the future takes more than empty statements, and IMAO has been advocating measures needed to win the future for some time. Now, winning the future won’t be easy, but it’s pretty obvious what some of the things we’ll need to have a fighting chance. Here’s some of what we’ll need:
THINGS NEEDED TO WIN THE FUTURE
* Dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them.
* A flux capacitor.
* Plasma rifles.
* A thunderdome.
* Terminator reprogramming kit.
* A jaunty black vest.
* A cheap food source made from soy and lentils.
* Zombie preparedness kit.
* Tests to tell if people are human.
* Space lasers.
* Things that are half something/half something else but all cop.
* Red shirts.
* New swears like “frack” and “frell”.
* Giant robots.
* Tests to tell if the world around us is real.
* Scooty Puff Sr.
* Nukes capable of reaching the moon.
Did I miss anything?
Did I miss anything?
Better VR helmets for liberals. That way they wont keep messing with reality.
Moats. Because our intelligent Ape overlords won’t be able to swim.
Giant space robots with lasers and also capable of nuking the moon. For those who like to put all their eggs in one basket.
Chuck Norris
Just the right kind of wand preferably with the same kind of feather in the wand of he-who-can-not-be-officially-documented
A red head band to go with a partially paralyzed face and over sized hunting knife
Justin Beiber to get deported to anywhere but here
Test to tell if people are Americans
Eye of the tiger theme music played at all times
Except for when we’re about to do battle then Darth Vader’s entrance theme
The force
Spunky robot sidekicks with attitude.
Cleavage flattering leather armor. with matching boots.
Comically large mainframe computers.
Whales.
Ape deodorant.
A towel.
* Wheelbarrows with built-in money printers.
Win the future? With Obama in charge, I’m not sure the country will even qualify as a wild card.
No Hippies. That’s what we need in the future and we will not only win it, but we will own it and then sell our success to other nations that get rid of hippies.
I am hoping we will need enormously fat squirrels.
Doesn’t Obama see the irony in calling for “Winning The Future,” since the only way America can win is if he loses?
A machine to defeat/repress the eventual uprising of the machines/liberals
A robot President programmed to act just like Ronald reagan.
We don’t need this nerdy stuff, Frank. We need guns!
Spengler once wrote about how Americans define winning as you would win in Monopoly but the rest of the world plays Chess.
You forgot to list Warp Drive technology.
BodyArmor that is made from old tires
Hovercrafts with E.M.P. Generators
Mnemonic Brain Implants that can upload and download data via USB Ports
Mr Fusion Cold Fusion Generators
Ingestible MultiFunctionNanobots
Sarah Connor and Chinese Tiger Mom clones( to teach our kids what they’re going to need to know in the future )
Mark Of The Beast Removal Kits
Bacon! Lots and lots of bacon.
Oh, and nachos.
Freeze Dried Bacon
Science!
Spaceships that can go Plaid
@shiggz: I’ve played a lot of Monopoly. If the future is like Monopoly, winning will be determined by who gets to be the banker.
@Johnny 5, the American test goes like this:
Question 1: Would you like to take the test to determine whether you are American, or does the mere thought of such a test fill you with righteous indignation?
If indignation, proceed to question 2:
Question 2: Mexicannon or rail gun?
i thought in the future all our swear words would be in chinese…
I belive we only need one thing to win the future: a world wide zombie outbreak. Since the liberals all hate any type of weapon, they will be easily consumed as they try to give the zombies hugs, the rest who resemble Mike Moore will be quickly consumed by the hordes. this will leave the well prepared conservatives, lead by chuck norris, to wipe out the horde and rebuild America. This time carrying a handgun and machete will be required by law.
DEEP THOUGHT
surface to ship teleporters
the whole Johnny Pneumonic brain/data storage doohickey
clean socks
the C.O.S., maybe a whole lot of em
the ability to do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs
If they will just develop the dinosaurs with rocket launchers, we can pretty much forego the rest of the stuff.
We all need pink helmets, knee and elbow pads and a stern lecture about not running with knives. This will cut down on irresponsible behavior by all adults and children alike! Then we need to speed govern all cars to 45 miles per hour so that nobody can pull any fancy stuff leading to dangerous activity on the highways! Next we all need a recycling monitor in our homes to ensure that we are properly disposing of dangerous materials that could harm “mother earth”! Once we have these problems solved we can move on to two wheeled transportation, which is preferred unless the transportation devise has a gasoline engine. If it does it shall be outlawed due to extreme danger! Finally, nobody shall leave there homes during and right after a snow storm or rain storm due to possible slippery conditions. All sidewalks and driveways must be cleared of ice and snow 100% along with every street before we venture out. Caution is always the best approach!
holocaust cloak
brain, heart, courage, ruby slippers
magic beans
tuna
To Live Free or Die, Mark of the Beast Removal Kits??? That is funny but I think maybe if someone has that mark I would prefer they not be able to remove it.
“Did I miss anything?”
We’ll need much higher production capacity on Astronaut Ice Cream.
Feminist women, cause someone needs to do the dishes and laundry.
According to Glen Beck we will need gold bullion, and a full acre of heirloom seeds.
IMAO-assigned avatars with weapons.
I love my avatar, but I could use a weapon if I’m going to help WTF
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Holodecks and Transporters. Holodecks for entertainment and dating, Transporters to avoid TSA pat downs. Heck, we can use the Holodeck babes to give me a patdown before I use the Transporter, that ought to keep the TSA happy. I know it will keep me happy.
One of us better pick up that handbook that Newt wrote on the subject.
I would like to have laser sights that are capable of follow the curviture of the earth on my equally equipped plasma rifle. That way I can shoot evil from my yard no matter where it is in the world. just a thought.
Mark 36 Bolos! We build those and all other worlds will be at our feet! Besides liberals would be very scared.
orgasmatron
Just one thing – Tribbles!
We need to clone Nikola Tesla, and this time make him write everything down.
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/tesla.html
Zero gravity toilets. And Taco Bell meat mixture.
One things for sure, if we are to even compete for the future, let alone win it, we’re gonna need to vote us a new President in 2012. If Obama is re-elected, we have no future.
I have always considered Egon Spengler the wisest of the Ghostbusters.
1. Sonic screwdriver
2. Firefly class ship
3. Registered companions
4. Dilythium crystals
5. A Han who shoots first
6. Fred Thompson
More Bibles, and a better knowledge of what’s inside.
Reagan documentaries.
John Wayne movies.
C.S. Lewis’ space trilogy and The Abolition of Man.
In the not too distant future Buttercup will be of dating age. I’m thinking that at this time Justin Bieber will come a callin’! Buttercup Bierber has a certain ring to it! Imagine all the fun that Justin and his future Father-in-Law will have together!!!
Just got back from 2014. The score at halftime is The Future 56, good guys 0. We didn’t even get a first down until January 2013.