Basil 2012

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I’m making it official: I am a candidate for President of the United States in 2012.

Now, before you dismiss me and my political aspirations, look at who else is running.

I’ll wait.

Yeah, see? You got Obama, who, even after over 2 years doing the job, isn’t capable of doing the job.

You got nobody else in the Democrats, unless Kucinich runs. He’s a joke.

Nadar will likely run as an independent or for the Green Party or the I’m-46-Years-Past-My-15-Minutes Party or something. He’s a joke.

For the Republicans, nobody will come out and say they’re running. They want to tease. I don’t mind so much someone that looks like Michele Bachmann or Sarah Palin when it comes to a tease, but a Haley Barbour or a Herman Cain or a Newt Gingrich or some other dude? And even the Michele or Sarah? I don’t want it to be a tease. I want it to be a prelude. You guys know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, no one on the Republican side will come out and say they’re running.

Of course there’s the whole Ron Paul thing. But he’s nothing more than Lyndon LaRouche without the conviction to commit mail fraud.

So, we need someone to run. And that someone to run is me.

Let me tell you a little about me.

1) I’m not a Muslim. I’ve been not a Muslim longer than Obama’s been not a Muslim.

I’m Baptist. We’ve had 3 Baptist presidents so far (Truman, Carter, and Clinton), so I’ve got that baggage. At least some of that is baggage.

But, I’m willing to counter that by going to extreme measures when it comes to a running mate. I’m thinking I’ll pick a Methodist. That ought to offer proper balance to the ticket.

B) I have a birth certificate. I know, it’s not fashionable to actually have one of these, but I do. I was born in this country. In Georgia. Which is a real state, not one of those made-up states like Hawaii or California.

III) I served in the military. I served during Desert Storm. No, not in Iraq, but I did manage to keep northern Virginia safe. Got a NDSM for it.

4th) I’ve actually had a real job. No, I’m not a career politician. Which means I don’t have any actual political experience, but hell, Obama’s political experience consisted of voting present, so I’m no worse off there. And, actually having a real job where you got to get up in the morning and hit the drive-through for breakfast and fight traffic and deal with dumbasses at work … Yeah I’ve done that. About to do it again in just a few minutes. So, I understand what all you little people have to go though. And I probably won’t forget you when I’m all big and important and president and such. Probably.

Five) I don’t mind pissing off people to get my way … when I’m right. Dealing with Congress? If I’m right, I’ll hold firm and not give an inch. What’s the worst that could happen? Congress won’t pass any legislation? Like that’s a bad thing?

Finally) I’m always right. That’s the good thing about being me. Whatever I say or do, I’m right. It’s awesome always being right. You ought to try it. I don’t know why more people don’t.

I’m not selfish about it, either. I’m willing to share my ability to always be right with the rest of the country.

So, vote for me in 2012. Then you can be right, too.

21 Comments

  1. I fully support your candicacy. Furthermore, I’ll do everything I can to keep the press from finding out about that Nazi midget porn movie you did back in the eighties.

    [Wait. Do you mean the Nazi midget porn movie, or the Nazi midget gay porn movie? Because if you mean the latter, it just shows how interolerant you are! – B.]

    Reply to this comment

  2. I’m in! Since you are always right and so am I we would make a grand team. I would like to be Secretary of Defense. I don’t have any military experience, but that shouldn’t matter. I will just make up my own Secretary of Defense uniform with like 13 or 14 stars on it and I will order all the Generals to bow when I pass! I will then double the pay for the grunts and cut the pay for the Generals in half! I will also send the Generals into battle (all of them) and let the grunts watch! I will be awesome and will be ready to launch upon your orders which I will expect within the first week of your administration!

    Reply to this comment

  5. You almost had my vote with points 1 thru five, but when you got to the “finally”, you lost me as you sounded like a typical Democrat there.

    Still if the choice was between you and ‘Bammi it’d be a no brainer to vote for you.

    Then again if the choice was between pretty much anyone else and ‘Bammi it’d be a no brainer to vote for anyone else. (The Dems are counting on 50.0000001% of the voters in 2012 to not have brains. Unfortunately there’s a pretty good chance of that happening again.)

    Or we could just randomly pick someone off the street and there’d be a 99.86% chance they’d be a much better President than ‘Bammi. (It’s a statistical fact that only 0.14% of random people on the street hate America more and want to destroy America more than ‘Bammi– and most of those are Al Qaeda who snuck in to the country thru Mexico.)

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  6. Whoa! I must withdraw my name for consideration of Secretary of Defense. As it turns out I must spend time with my family! Gay Nazi Midget Porn? If it was just Nazi Midget Porn, I’d be like ok with that but I have to draw the line at the ghey stuff!!! So now that the cat’s out of the bag, you will need to take the Barney Frank defense…anyone who questions you about it is a homophobe and naziphobe and a midgetphobe and you simply won’t tolerate such racism in your campaign…next question…

    Reply to this comment

  7. Well, if it comes down to Basil vs. Obama, it’s Basil all the way. Of course, I’d vote for Marko’s German Sheperd over the ‘bamster.

    Basil / Marko’s German Sheperd in 2012!

    Reply to this comment

  8. God Bless you, Basil.

    (yes, that is a reference to something someone wrote on this blog a while back).

    I think to make your candidacy official, you need a ghostwritten book like the ones Obama did. I suggest something like “Stop Spending Money Now!!!” The back flap would describe “Are you deeply in debt yet continually running up new bills? Are you plagued by the uncontrollable addictive urge to spend trillions of dollars? Does spending money you don’t have give you a head rush? When you see a problem, do you think ‘let’s just throw money at that until it goes away’ ? Then this is the book for YOU!!! Soon you’ll be a paragon of fiscal sanity and restraint.”

    That’s what we need in office…

    Reply to this comment

  12. Thanks, DamnCat. I did not know that!

    Basil !!!!1!!!!11!!!!!!1!!Tenty

    (“Tenty” stands for “Tentative”… until he drops out or he’s crushed in the Georgia primary through lack of marketing. IMAO ain’t gonna cut it.)

    Reply to this comment

  14. I will support you in turn for being Secretary of Energy, Education, Eniviroment, and Welfare. Cush vacation job after I sh#t can all of the useless gummint employees. Permanant vacation AND sazvng money. Win-win.

    Reply to this comment

  15. I like the choice of a Methodist running mate. “Calvin/Armin” the ultimate unity plattform. I’ll vote for you but I want a job where I can piss off teachers. And my final act before I resign to write a tell all book will be to dissolve the Department of Education as it violates the 10th ammendment States Rights big time.

    Reply to this comment

  18. BA ZIL! BA ZIL!

    Bazilla the Destroyer

    Could work….Ok ya sold me. I’ll vote for you. Hell I’ll even work for ya….but not in DC., nor Northern Va. One’s a suburban nightmare and the other is just a cesspool.

    Reply to this comment

  21. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » Frank Analyzes the GOP Presidential Field

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