Happy birthday, Frank J.!

Posted by on

It’s Frank J.’s birthday today!

How old is he? I don’t know. I haven’t seen his birth certificate. So, I can’t say with certitude that he’s, say, 32 years old or something.

I think today is Saturday — either it’s Saturday or I’m going to be way late for work — and that means that Frank will probably not be blogging today.

If he was, he’d remind you that back in 2003, he declared his birthday as National Gun Safety Day.

And because it’s National Gun Safety Day, you should be safe with guns. If you don’t, you’ll make Frank J. sad. And a sad Frank J. means a sad Buttercup. And it would be your fault. Why do people who are unsafe with guns hate babies?

Anyway, what did you get Frank J. for his birthday?

35 Comments

  1. AH HA! He won’t show you his birth certificate because then we’d all know that his real name is Frank J. Sottero!!!!1!!1!

    Happy Birthday, Fank J. Whatever-You-Call-Yourself-Now!

    Reply to this comment

  3. Naa it’s gotta be his first name he covering up. Frank is a real cool sounding name and after the time we have all spend hanging around here we know that “Frank” is way too cool of a name for him. So I’m willing to bet his real name is Francis or Françoise or even Francesca. Something girly sounding I’ll bet. So Happy Birther Day Francis Fleming

    Reply to this comment

  4. Sarah K.: Give him 32 on the backside and a pinch to grow an inch. Do it for his readers! On second thought, he can only grow out now (in girth), so skip the pinchy part. And for a present, give him a Saturday work list! The guy’s been slacking off at work and stuff and is walkin’ around all sleepy.

    Reply to this comment

  16. Ya know how environmentalists “adopt” a whale in someone’s name for their birthday? Well, I’m thinking if each of us punch a hippie in the face in Franks’ name that would be a swell present that anyone would appreciate…and, we’d be helping the environment.

    Reply to this comment

  25. Things we like most about Frank J:

    Sally Struthers never used him to ask for money (although she did steal his lunch a few times)

    Donated his superfluous m to the Franklin Int

    Invented spelling technique that fools spam filters

    Knows when Science! is fiction and that Science Fiction really ain’t

    Knowing that Gen. George S. Patton would slap himself for not being as gung ho as Frank

    Adapted too well to fatherhood to not be from a planet very similar to earth

    Reply to this comment

  26. Ever since I became a parent, on every birthday, I have contemplated how much smarter my parent were. The older I’ve gotten the smarter they got, not because they became more educated but because I became more aware of what I didn’t know. I think that’s one of the secrets of life, to realize how much you don’t really know. It keeps you humble (allows you to be teachable) and helps you to keep some perspective when all about you descends into chaos.

    May the road rise up to meet you.
    May the wind always be at your back.
    May the sun shine warm upon your face,
    and rains fall soft upon your fields.
    And until we meet again,
    May God hold you in the palm of His hand. Happy Birthday!!!!!!

    Reply to this comment

  27. Oh c’mon! When a man or a woman places their lips on another man’s butt and smootches…that man is an ass kisser!!!

    Now is not the time for compliments but biting satirical whit! We need more wieners and less “happy birthday frank jzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

    I’m sending frank a pair of hand squeezers for Buttercup. Within a year when she grabs Frank’s scrotum she will have a grip like a pair of vice grips and big smile to boot! Good girl Buttercup!

    Reply to this comment

  29. I suppose it is actually a belated birthday wish. Pardon me, for I was at a high school graduation yesterday. I bring this up because there was a man there giving directions who was a perfect match for John McCain in both voice and look. I’m still shocked by how far Maverick has fallen in professions. Poor boy.

    Reply to this comment

  30. Puzzling things about Frank J.:

    * He hasn’t released his birth certificate or college records to The Ronin thus spawning numerous conspiracy theories, which he finds crazy of all things!
    * No one really knows where he’s from. Rumor is: The Netherlands. Alternate: backside of the Moon… or France.
    * Is known to stare down a lot trying to view the Moon when it’s not up lending credence to the backside of the Moon theory.
    * Apparently, he started off majoring in art but flunked and settled for electrical / computer something or other.
    * Has yet to ban Ussjimmycarter’s overly-sexed comments.

    Reply to this comment

  31. I figure for his birthday, he will want some cocktails – so I have sent ice. It’s in the mail and should get there soon. It would get there sooner if I had Frnak J’s address, but I don’t, so don’t worry wait up for it.

    Reply to this comment

  34. I’m with you, storm1911, I spent the weekend ignoring the great personal milestone enjoyed/suffered/endured by the aging Frank. (Hey, “aging Frank” sounds like an opportunity for a weener joke!) In Frank’s honor, I shall go and exercise my Second Amendment rights, safely.

    Reply to this comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.