WASHINGTON (AP) – In a shocking result foreseen by no one, the Electoral College votes have been tabulated, and all 538 of them went to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

First act: Forget wall. Annex Mexico. Is like American Ukraine. We liberate.

While members of the Electoral College are expected (and in some states, legally compelled) to vote for the candidate who won the popular vote in the state they represent, they are physically able to vote for anyone they want.

In this case, they unanimously voted for Putin.

Hillary Clinton, whose long-shot hope to flip 38 Trump electors failed miserably, demanded both a recount and her “Reset” button back.

Donald Trump, the formerly presumptive President-Elect, immediately took to Twitter to denounce the results.

“Looks like the work of Russian hackers interfering in our election. So Stopped-Clock Hillary was accidentally right once today” he tweeted.

A calm, yet visibly-pleased Vladimir Putin offered his thoughts on the unprecedented turn of events.

“Trump? He is good man, but not virile like Putin. Always wear shirt, like fat kid at beach. Also, he has soft, fluffy hair like shampoo commercial girl. Real man shave head. Also punch angry bear in face. But not at same time. Unless very, very virile like Putin. Better for America I run country. After I rip heart out of living tiger and eat on TV.”

When asked whether the constitutional requirement of US citizenship would be a bar to his taking office, Putin was at once dismissive and confident of overcoming that challenge.

“Is no problem. Like Obama, I once ate dog, so am qualified. OK, was wolf, but close enough for government work. Also, was two wolves.”