… the White House will, for the first time in eight years, exhibit miserademie and cameltoe — which Obama totally grew up with in his [redacted] faith.
. . . only boneless, skinless turkey breasts, boiled in salt-free distilled water, may be served for Christmas dinner, along with a choice of broiled brussels sprouts (broiled without salt or oil, but a dusting of herbs is allowed), raw celery, one-quarter (1/4) cup of boiled (salt-free) peas, or eight (8) raw carrot sticks. A vegan alternative made only with soy protein, legumes and/or gluten-free grains, but no nuts, may be served in place of the turkey. A side salad of arugula may also be served, without dressing (a spritz of cider vinegar without oil is permitted), with a choice of one (1) gluten-free, dairy-free crouton (no cheese flavoring, people!), one (1) slice of salt-free boiled quail’s egg, or one (1) black or green olive (holiday hint: green olives with red pimentos are SO festive!). Caffeine-free, unsweetened tea, one-half (1/2) cup of unsweetened, unflavored soy milk, or unlimited amounts of chemical-free water may be enjoyed as beverages. Peanuts – in fact, nuts of any kind – are not to be used, stored or even discussed within one (1) mile of the dinner table. Dessert may consist of a choice of three (3) apple slices, three (3) wedges of orange, or one-quarter (1/4)of a sliced banana, dusted with a few flakes of unsweetened coconut. You will enjoy the glow of health long after the disappointment of dinner has passed, and the virtue-signaling will be visible for miles.
If children have been naughty, lumps of coal are NOT permitted in their stockings. Instead, small, plastic participation trophies with the inscription “Nice job!” are recommended.
Under Michelle Obama’s new rules for Christmas…
it will be called Kwanzaa Lite and whites need not participate.
… Rule #1 is, “Don’t talk about Christmas.”
… No dreaming of a white anything.
… Yule be sorry.
…all gifts must be purchased through online gift exchanges as per the Affordable Christmas Act. Participation is mandatory.
Through the “bronze plan” you are allowed to purchase $1 level gifts for every $100 you spend.
Under Michelle Obama’s new rules for Christmas…
…no-one is to be offended. (Christians exempt)
…Santa is transgender.
…only SlimFast bars and water for Santa’s snack.
…no cookies and milk for the jolly old elf – he’s gone paleo now…
…the reindeer will be encumbered by a bulky methane recovery system – deliveries will extend into April…
… the part of Mrs. Claus will be played by Chris Rock, which makes Santa Bi, otherwise he won’t be allowed to be “jolly”.
She plans to sell the rights to Christmas (including the Santa logo and Rudolph’s red nose) to the highest contributor to the Clinton Foundation.
Why the Clinton Foundation you ask? Because there’s no Obama Foundation…yet.
The reindeer are to be referred to by the pronouns xym and xer, as they identify as male, but have antlers in December like biological females.
Santa is to come in the skylight and not some icky carbon burning chimney.
“On Daschel, Stupidity,
Pantsuit and Fixer,
On Comey, Cupidity,
Donor and Blitzer!”
…the “naughty list” will be reviewed by the Justice Department to see if minorities are over-represented.
(and will be held up as Jill Stein insists on a recount)
… “Die Hard” is no longer a Christmas movie. It’s Hillary’s campaign.
… Visions of sugarplums will be replaced by the Salivation Army.
… The actual Salvation Army will be banned because it has two strikes against it due to its name alone.
Under Michelle Obama’s new rules for Christmas…
TCM will be required to bleep whenever the word “white” comes up in the movie White Christmas.
Jesus’ birthplace has been changed to Mecca.
Political beards and sullen sideburns are allowed to pre-loot the Treasury for the cost of expected lifetime future lavish vacations.
Under Michelle Obama’s new rules for Christmas…
On Christmas trees, only the black lights matter.
#blacklightsmatter
… the White House will, for the first time in eight years, exhibit miserademie and cameltoe — which Obama totally grew up with in his [redacted] faith.
… the Island of Misfit Toys will get a recount on the vote regarding their name.
. . . only boneless, skinless turkey breasts, boiled in salt-free distilled water, may be served for Christmas dinner, along with a choice of broiled brussels sprouts (broiled without salt or oil, but a dusting of herbs is allowed), raw celery, one-quarter (1/4) cup of boiled (salt-free) peas, or eight (8) raw carrot sticks. A vegan alternative made only with soy protein, legumes and/or gluten-free grains, but no nuts, may be served in place of the turkey. A side salad of arugula may also be served, without dressing (a spritz of cider vinegar without oil is permitted), with a choice of one (1) gluten-free, dairy-free crouton (no cheese flavoring, people!), one (1) slice of salt-free boiled quail’s egg, or one (1) black or green olive (holiday hint: green olives with red pimentos are SO festive!). Caffeine-free, unsweetened tea, one-half (1/2) cup of unsweetened, unflavored soy milk, or unlimited amounts of chemical-free water may be enjoyed as beverages. Peanuts – in fact, nuts of any kind – are not to be used, stored or even discussed within one (1) mile of the dinner table. Dessert may consist of a choice of three (3) apple slices, three (3) wedges of orange, or one-quarter (1/4)of a sliced banana, dusted with a few flakes of unsweetened coconut. You will enjoy the glow of health long after the disappointment of dinner has passed, and the virtue-signaling will be visible for miles.
Here’s quite a paradox: Even this Tsarcastic description makes my mouth water.
Yeah, I’ve been on that diet.
It’s perfect for the Soviet un-Yum.
If children have been naughty, lumps of coal are NOT permitted in their stockings. Instead, small, plastic participation trophies with the inscription “Nice job!” are recommended.
Under Michelle Obama’s new rules for Christmas…
♪… I’d have a Blue Christmas without ‘Yuge’ . . . ♪
Under Michelle Obama’s new rules for Christmas…
no celebrations allowed as they are an insult to her Klingon heritage.
All’s pon-farr in love and Whorf.
And we’ll also be singing:
“♪… Five Goldman Rings
Four Colon berths
Three French ânes
Two total doves
And apartheid of transparency.”
♪