Just looking at your faces, I know I’m going to end up the villain here. You want free health care for all and a tasty breakfast everyone can love, and the only thing standing in the way is me saying no. But someone has to be the adult here and say you can’t just do what you want regardless of nutrition or economics.

Now, before you start shouting about how I’m just mean and want poor, sick people to die and breakfast to be bland and boring, consider that maybe — just maybe — I actually have your best interests in mind. I know it’s hard to understand, but you’ll be better, healthier people if you eat something loaded with nutrients and not just sugar and keep free market forces in health care. If we go with what you want, we’re going to end up hyperactive and then crashing and have scarcity in health care resources and a lack of innovation. And yes, I know we set a bad precedent with how I got you Lucky Charms and the ACA, but we really should be trying to progress the other direction toward less government and less sugar in health care and cereal respectively.

And I know the influences I’m working against here. You see the fun clown and Bernie Sanders on TV talking about how great ice cream and socialism are. But while you think clowns and socialists to be entertaining, other people find them vile creatures to be feared — and for good reason. Just look at what socialism has done to Venezuela. And look at what… well, I don’t need to justify my hatred of clowns to you.

Okay, I can tell this is falling on deaf ears. You think I’m just mean. I hate fun. I want to put profits over patients. You might not believe me, but I really do want health care for all and everyone to enjoy breakfast. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about that. There’s no easy solution where you just say eat whatever you want and have any health care you want and it will paid for with other people’s money. If you go that route, you’re going to end up miserable and sick. So I don’t care how much you’re going to scream and yell; because I care for you, I’m putting my foot down and saying, “No.”

What? Don’t just go and ask mom now!