Archive of entries posted on 6th September 2017

Americans With No Abilities Act

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(Submitted by zzyzx [High Praise!])

WASHINGTON (AP) – The Democrats in the Senate are proposing sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans.

The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.

While originally elected with no abilities, Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) has since developed the abilities to slow clap, raise taxes, and do a passable “Tootsie” impression.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the ANAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of POI into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the ANAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember ‘righty tighty, lefty loosey’. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.”

With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Sen. Dick Durbin, IL: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

Random Thoughts: Antifa and Immigration

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The Nazis are successfully convincing a lot of people to support political violence and suppression of free speech.

The Defenders was disappointing. It was great when the leads interacted, but overall meh.
A big part was the threat. In episode 4, they basically fought the Hand all at once and won, so that reduced that threat thereafter.
And the Hand’s big plot was just to get themselves back to their status quo we didn’t know had ended (being immortal).
There was a throwaway line about how that would collapse New York City or something, but it never felt like huge threat.
Still hopeful for future Marvel Netflix because of past series, but that’s now two missteps in a row.

Trump not meeting Harvey victims seem like dumb controversy. If I went through huge tragedy, last thing I’d want is to deal with politicians.

I saw something I disagree with AND I’M FREAKING OUT!!!!

I’m going to publish a “Big Book of Bad Opinions People Are No Longer Allowed to Have” so no one is confused.

Trump’s superpower seems to be using his horribleness to bait his opponents into being even more horrible.

I finally saw the new Spider-Man movie and my new favorite superhero is Ned.
What a fun movie. Despite comic books movies being seeming kind of tire now, I’ve counted four really good ones so far this year.
Three of them went for being fun (despite one taking place during WWI) and the fourth was kind of brutal but very compelling (Logan).
I have hopes Thor: Ragnarok will be as fun as the trailers make it look. No expectations on Justice League, though.

I’ll support whatever rules you want for violence toward and suppression of Nazis as long as those rules also apply to Commies.

What if in girl Lord of the Flies someone sees a spider on the island?

Trump could shoot someone in the middle of 5th Ave. and it would dominate the news for a day before people seized on some moron fauxtrage.

“Is putting Tubman on the $20 your #1 priority?”
“Well, it’s not #1..”
HEADLINE: “Mnuchin vows to go back in time and murder Harriet Tubman”

Only Nazis are unequivocally against all political violence.

Trump lost my support early on when he crashed a blimp into an orphanage and sued the orphans.

People who make mealy-mouthed justifications of political violence are as morally disgusting as white supremacists.

Ridiculous to compare ideology that stomped puppies to death to benefit the rich with ideology that stomped puppies to death for the poor.

I have great faith the violent dimwits in black masks will carefully vet anyone before beating them up.

If you’re a violent moron and you want to do whatever you can to get Trump reelected, my best advice would be to join antifa.

Anyone who thinks antifa is doing anything other than help Trump is as deluded as a tiki-torch wielding neo-nazi.

It’s great how both sides have concluded that the only thing holding them back is not being angry enough.

I can stress how much we need the Disney princess’s oppressive, outdated monarchy overthrown. We need it now.

We need an endangered species list for animals we actively want to make endangered. I’ll start the list:
Fire ants
Mosquitoes
Squirrels

The big challenge for the Democrats in 2020 is finding a candidate even more unlikeable than Hillary.

The best platform for the left to help them defeat Trump would be a closed forum that helps them figure out when they’re being insufferable.

I thought the pilot was dark and off-putting, but I am so onboard with The Tick after the first six episodes.
It’s established itself as something completely different from the previous incarnations while still being The Tick.
And love how it’s an Amazon Prime series and they integrated a great Amazon product placement in it.

Eventually Labor Day is going to become a celebration of robots.

I am so bizarrely fascinated by the Verrit authentication codes. I kinda want them to explain that and I kinda don’t.

Problem with immigration debate is many people are implicitly arguing for open borders without owning up to it which comes off as dishonest.
And people’s spidey senses start tingling when they see a lot of dishonest people arguing for something.
Realistically, though, the only thing that would stop Mexicans from coming into the U.S. illegally is if Mexico were a lot richer.

I think I might be a scientist. How can I tell for sure?

I used science, math, a compass, and a pencil to draw a perfect circle around Florida, the state where Irma is supposed to hit.

How hard is it to direct a Star Wars film? Just a bunch of lasers and spiritual mumbo jumbo. Get your act together, people!
I love the “we mutually agreed to part ways.” I assume security dragged him out kicking and screaming.

admiral collapses to the ground after being force strangled
DARTH VADER: “We mutually agreed to part ways.”

I don’t know which dishonest, demagoguing politicians to listen to on immigration.

I’ll direct your Star Wars. I want $30 an hour and one replica lightsaber.

Has anyone tried yelling “Racist!” to solve the immigration issue?

“You may say I’m a dreamer…”
John Lennon is immediately deported